#298 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (11th January 2020)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is Let me bore you to sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

It is Saturday the 11th of January 2020 and the time I'm recording this is 4.22am. Very specific. Oh, uh, Saturday the 11th. Wow.

So I'm quite tired. Oh, let me tell you about yesterday. So I had a really, really good night.

I was awake all night, but I had a really good night. I got lots done. Lots of website stuff done.

I made uh, two recordings to let me bore you to sleep and a sleep hypnosis weekly. I felt good, you know, and during that day, I know obviously it was a different day, but the period that I was awake, I also did a, a what's it recording as well, a relaxation hypnosis for stress, anxiety, and panic attacks. So it was a good day.

It was okay. And the only, okay, the, the, the traveling, the traveling waiting around for a bus part wasn't great, but I had a bit of a sleep when I got back and yeah, so I had a good night, felt good and, you know, I felt quite accomplished in a sense. So I got something done.

However, I didn't go to bed till a lot later than normal. Normally I'm up at night, I'm in bed by six, maybe five, sometimes four, but, uh, I didn't go to bed till probably about quarter past seven in the morning, which is a lot later than normal, than what I'd normally go to bed. And I was woken up at about 10 o'clock by banging, someone not banging, um, someone near the garages was banging something, like hammering or something.

I don't know. Uh, so I went back to sleep and then I was woken up by what I thought was knocking on my door. I sort of get up, have a, you know, have a look for the key.

I'll see who's there. No one's there. And then I hear a voice in the garden.

So I look outside and there's someone standing in the garden and I realize it's one of my, basically, without going into specific details, uh, I realized who it was, who I thought it was and heard something. I'm being vague, aren't I? But basically it turned out that one of my neighbors had collapsed. In their flat and the neighbor's parent couldn't get in to the flat because the door was locked.

So I, I came out of my place and just sort of said, are you okay? I didn't really know what was going on, but I could see that the person in the garden was distressed. I could hear from the voice and I thought, I'll just check, make sure that they're okay. Uh, see if there's anything I could do.

And basically the, this is just like, you know, this next bit's a bit, it's not nice. What I'm going to say, I'm not going to say, I'm not going to go into detail, but it was, it was an unpleasant experience for, for those involved. And so she could speak to her daughter that had collapsed, but she could speak through the letterbox.

And she said, I can't get to the door. I'm on the floor. I can't get to the door.

And I said to the lady who was outside the front door, you need to call an ambulance. And she was saying, oh no, it's okay. I'll wait till my door gets here.

I said, no, you need to call an ambulance now. I said, no, it'll be okay. My other daughter would be in 10 minutes and it took me 20 times of telling her to call an ambulance and saying, if you don't call an ambulance, I will call an ambulance.

And in the end she called an ambulance. And then the next thing was how are we going to get her into her flat? Because the ambulance driver can't do that. The ambulance paramedics can't do that.

So I, and the lady was, she was told that the, she said to me, the ambulance said they'll be here in the next 40 minutes. And then she said, I should have told them that she was having a heart attack because then they would have come straight away. Well, I called, I called the police.

I went upstairs. I called the police and said, listen, lady's down, she's collapsed. Can't get to the front door.

We can't get in there. Can you send someone around to get through to the front door to help her? And the police said, no, what do you expect us to do? What do you want us to do? I said, we'll get into the flat. They said, no, that would be the fire service.

I said, well, in that case, I'm going to smash through the window to get in. The police, the person on the police really didn't seem to care. So I said, okay, don't worry.

So yeah, so hang up, go downstairs. Luckily the window is open. Uh, the bathroom window is open.

Only a little window though, but you know, in the end I knocked on another neighbor's door and then the door turned up and just as the door turned up, the, um, me and my friend got the window off. Well, my friend got the window off. I watched him do it.

So her daughter, the other daughter, it's getting confusing. So we're waiting for the ambulance. Her daughter's got a first aid kit with her, which is good.

So she's, she's, she's prepared for something. She's able to climb through the window and just as she's climbing through the window, the ambulance turn up. So the ambulance, ambulance are really quick.

Um, within probably six, seven minutes, six minutes, really quick. She climbs through the window because the ambulance driver said, I don't want to get through there. I said, uh, well, I understand you're probably jealous because I'm so slim.

I said to them, and she laughed. And, uh, so my neighbor's sister, that was the one that climbed through the window, climbed through her sister's window, opened the front door. They had the paramedics in and they closed the door.

And, you know, obviously I didn't go in there. It's not my, none of my business to do that. And, uh, we, I think at one point they were saying, um, we said, do you want a cup of coffee or something like that? And to the, to the ladies that were there, cause they were just frantic, shaking and cuddling each other.

It was just, it was very, very distressed, obviously. And then things turned worse. And the, my neighbor was taken into the ambulance.

It was serious. I went upstairs, had me breakfast. It wasn't serious enough for me to not eat.

I couldn't do anything. I'm not a paramedic. So they were doing what they did downstairs.

I figured everything was fine. She was just going to get checked over. Um, I went upstairs, had me breakfast that I'd already, I think I'd already made it.

And I just like to get a bit cold. So I had that, I had, you know, had me drink a coffee and then I came down. And as I was in the kitchen, I could see she was being taken into the ambulance.

So I come down just to see what's, you know, she looked really in a bad way. And I come down and the, the mother and the sister there, they said, she stopped breathing. And they're in the ambulance trying to resuscitate her.

They thought she was having a heart attack. So it was like, wow. And so we were all standing out there, me and my friend and the two ladies that her family was just standing there, almost not knowing what to do or not, not what's going to happen next.

There's two ambulances and there's another ambulance, like a mini emergency ambulance turns up like a specialist, I guess. Um, anyway, they were doing what they were doing with the ambulance. They didn't let anyone in there.

So they wouldn't allow family inside the ambulance while they were doing what they had to do. And then a man comes out, the paramedic comes out of the ambulance. He looks at me, he shook his head and I really, I thought the worst.

And then he said, who's, is anyone here related? Because I didn't know who was, because there's so many paramedics, no one knew who anyone was like connected to the, the lady that was in the ambulance. And the two ladies that were there said, yeah, we're her family. So he said to him, she did stop breathing.

We've got her breathing again. And we don't know if she's, we don't know if it's a heart attack. We don't know as yet what, what the, what the cause was.

Um, but she needs to be taken to the hospital, but we have to find out before we take her to the hospital, try and find out what it is, what the causes of it is. So we know which hospital to take her to. Um, I might not have had my breakfast till after this bit.

I had my breakfast at some point. It wasn't the most enjoyable porridge that I've ever eaten to be fair, but my stomach was just churning and I just had to eat. Uh, anyway, I did that, brought my coffee down.

My friend had made them a cup of tea, uh, because she was just in the ambulance. So we'll just, uh, her mum said, I need to sit down. I said, well, we'll come in.

And we went in there and they both, uh, came in for about two minutes and then the daughter went out again and they said, yeah, they're taking her. So they all had to sort of leave and go to the hospital. And that was it.

And I've heard nothing left. I've not heard nothing since. And, uh, so I've got no idea how she is or anything.

So it's just a bit of a weird, a weird start to the day and terrible for her, my neighbour and her family, but just really, really weird. It was just a really, it couldn't even predict a start of the day like that. Couldn't predict that that was going to happen.

But what I discovered about myself is, you know, there was a part of me that, I'll be honest with you, I actually, I put my shoes on to go down and then I took my shoes off again and I thought, no, I'll keep myself to myself. Cause I didn't know what was going on at that point at the beginning. I didn't know, all I knew that there was a distressed person in the garden.

I didn't know what the reason was or, you know, had no idea that my neighbour was on the floor or collapsed or anything. And the reason why I nearly didn't go down is because I've got involved in stuff in the past and I've had people tell me off or, you know, have a go at me for it. Almost like I'm a busybody when I'm not, I'm not interested in other people's lives.

Just if someone's in trouble, I like to, I don't like to help. I just kind of have to. I think it's a duty of all of us to, to look out for each other.

It just, I don't think it's even something you need to, to learn, is it? Isn't it something that's ingrained in our genes when we're born, surely? Anyway, part of the reason, there's a couple of things that happened here. There's been a couple of things. There was one, there was a fire in the garden opposite me, over the fence, three o'clock in the morning or 2.30 in the morning or four, you know, very early hours.

I'm awake at night and I just saw, I was doing a recording and I heard this crackling, you know, the crackle of a bonfire. But, and this was some people who were constantly having bonfires in the evening, but not at that time of the morning. And it was pitch black outside, no lights on.

And it was, the garden was on fire. And I go down there thinking, well, I need to, first of all, I phone my friend who lives over there, just to say, listen, there's a, there's a fire going on. Could you just make, but he didn't answer.

I just want to let him know that there's a, or he might, I don't know, but there's a fire. Just make sure you get out of your place and get yourself safe. In the end, I went down to the garden, looked over the fence and there was a fire.

I wasn't imagining it. And basically the drum where the fire was, they must have just left it to die down and it tipped over or the wind or something and it had spread. But they were actually, the neighbors were actually in the garden putting it out by the time I got downstairs and looked over the fence.

So I just left it. But my neighbor told them that I'd called or somebody told them that I'd, I'd mentioned it. And they were annoyed with me.

It's like, okay, sorry for being caring about fires and stuff at four o'clock in the morning in the gardens. You know, it wasn't a controlled fire. The grass was on fire.

This was in the summer. Sorry about that. And another time, I did, it's almost like I'm a busybody.

Another time in the summer, again, it was this summer, a lot gone. A friend of mine who I get on quite well with, she was screaming, really screaming. And she was around her boyfriend's flat.

So I knocked on the door, I left it, but it was, and I was, I was worried that she was in trouble. So I knocked on the door. And that didn't go down very well with her boyfriend.

It's like, then, oh, there's other stuff, but it's like, it gets to a point where I'm thinking, I just shouldn't, shouldn't get involved. I've stopped two fights since I've been there. It's like, why, I've even got in the middle of two people to stop them.

And it's like, you don't get no thanks. It's no, it's like, I don't want to get in, I don't want to be involved in that stuff. So I nearly, nearly, today or yesterday, took my shoes back off and went back to bed.

That's what I nearly did. But I thought, no, the right thing to do is just check, just make sure I can tell when someone's distressed. I suppose most people can, it's not a special power that I've got, but I could, I could just the way the sound of the voice sounded distressed.

So I went down to check. And as it was, it was an emergency, more of an emergency than she thought. And she wasn't going to call an ambulance.

So who knows what would have happened if I hadn't gone down there and actually badgered her into calling an ambulance, which meant the ambulance got there just in time, literally. They were there and within minutes she stopped breathing. So perhaps I did the right thing by being a busybody, if that's the right word.

But ultimately it was my friend who took the window off and then her daughter or her sister or whatever that climbed through the window. So it was like a big, um, and her mother phoning the ambulance. So all those little bits that went together, just me on my own couldn't have done much at all apart from try and kick the door in.

Because I'd never fit through a window. I couldn't even fit through a verandah window. I couldn't, couldn't even fit through a seven foot window.

No I could, but I can't fit through a little window. I'd be stuck. Need an ambulance for me or a fire engine for me.

So yeah, it was all weird. So now I'm thinking, should I, should I get, I don't know, because people do knock on my door when they need help. I've had three neighbours lock themselves out and knocked on my door to help them to get back in.

Either to get a locksmith or for them to sit in there while they're waiting for the locksmith or, you know, to try and get in some other way. So I try and help people when I can. I'm not saying this because I'm a hero because, well, we all know I'm a hero.

We don't, um, it's not that at all. It's nothing that anyone else wouldn't do. But because of some of the things that happened earlier in the year, or last year rather, I nearly didn't go downstairs at all.

And if I hadn't gone downstairs, I don't think the ambulance would have been called. Not until at least as her daughter got there. So it would have been, they'd have called the ambulance just kind of before the, just as the ambulance was arriving, if you know what I mean.

So there would have been a big delay possibly. And when the ambulance got there, they said, busiest morning that I've had for a long time. Because I said to her, I thought you're going to be 40 minutes.

They said we thought we were. So busy today for some reason, got no idea why. Just super busy.

Might be because it's a full moon or something. She didn't say that. But I was howling.

What I noticed about myself is I'm very impatient in those situations. In a sense of, I was just saying to her, to her mum, call an ambulance. You need to call an ambulance.

I'll wait until, no, you need to call an ambulance now. I'll wait until, no, you need to call an ambulance now. I kept on and on and on.

Until I said, if you don't, I will. And then she did. And it took a couple of minutes, maybe three minutes before she sort of succumbed.

Maybe five minutes before she actually did call for an ambulance. And I was getting more and more frustrated. Because in that situation, you kind of got to do the most that you can do as quickly as possible.

And all you can do in that situation really is call an ambulance. If you can't get to the other side of the door and then find a way in. Don't wait until you've found your way in, then call an ambulance.

If you know the person's on the floor. I don't know, maybe, maybe I'll just think differently about stuff. I mean, my nan was like that.

And she broke her hip in the garden, crawled all the way from the garden, all the way. I mean, it was really badly damaged, really injured herself really badly. She climbed all the way into the house to the phone, which was at the bottom of the stairs.

And who did she phone? My dad, who might not have been there. Yeah, didn't phone 999. A very easy number to remember.

And the only number that was required. She phoned my dad. And I said to her after, you know, why didn't you just call an ambulance? And she said, oh, I'll let your dad do that.

I didn't know if I needed an ambulance. And to be fair, she's probably in shock. She didn't realize how injured she was.

But maybe I just I think what it is, I think what it is, is I've called quite a few ambulances since I've lived here. For other people I've called, and they all needed it. 123.

Yeah, I've called for three ambulances, since I've lived here, which is a lot. But I guess it's for other people. And I did have an ambulance come for me.

But I didn't call it. It was the NHS direct called it even though I told him I didn't want one. Because I was getting palpitations.

This is about a month or two ago. And I know that some people they just don't want to call. They, they feel that they shouldn't disturb the ambulance service.

If it's an emergency. See, mine wasn't an emergency. That's why I didn't want an ambulance.

But on those other three occasions, they were emergencies, like very, very serious situations. So I had to call an ambulance. And the ambulance said they literally had to resuscitate these people.

And they had, you know, said the ambulance was necessary. Otherwise, you know, it would have been a different situation, different outcome possibly. It's no way of knowing really is that but so it's a really weird, weird, weird day.

And not the most cheery recording, but I'm just sort of letting you know what's going on. But I'll stop talking about that now. Because what I do really want to talk about is there was a thing that I used to do years ago.

I do want to say thank you to Boston chickie for your lovely PayPal gift. And what I was gonna do, where is it? What's the thing that you watch you? Books, okay, books. What's those things that you open and you look at? So what I want to do is search, search.

Oh, come on. I'm beginning to think there's something wrong with this. Oh, there it is.

When I was a kid, I used to have I used to read these books and they were called private detective, private detective for kids. Now, I don't know if they still have such a book. But they used to be what see what's coming up is a lot of, I suppose, a more storybooks rather than a how-to.

Private. So I wanted to get a hold of one of them books that I used to read when I was little, which would be a practical guide to being a private detective. Or private eye, or a double agent, maybe.

Goldilocks private eye. Private eye Sam. No, none of these coming up.

I thought it'd be quite good because because I've got this Kindle and it's like a colored Kindle where you can, because I've got if you've got black and white Kindle, which I've got as well, like it's an older one, but it's just the book. But with the color one, I can get stuffed with pictures and and I was hoping I'd be able to get a hold of one of the older books that used to be around. Let me have a look.

Oh, Fire for Kids. Let's have a look what's on here. Yes, it's a weird day.

You know, you get those days that are just a bit weird. Didn't end up, didn't really end up doing anything today or yesterday. And even during the night to this evening.

I watched a film called Don't Blink. That's really, it's quite good, actually. I've not seen it before.

But if I did see it, I don't remember. And maybe I blinked. It's a good film.

So if you've not seen a film called Don't Blink, I recommend it. It's okay. Use Fire, certainly Fire could, with your own content.

Okay. Oh, no. Fire for Kids.

That's just to, so you can track what they're doing. I don't want that. Kindle Newsstand.

What's in the news? WP. What's WP? So yeah, I tell you my favorite film of last year was, what was it? It was Yesterday. The film's called Yesterday.

It's really good. Now, if you haven't seen it, I recommend seeing it. It's an English film.

And it's got one of my favorite actors. He used to be in EastEnders and he's really funny. He's just really, he's also, he's almost got a, well not almost, he has got a comical delivery, but very dry, very droll, dull, you know, he's, he's, I think he's really good.

Always liked him in EastEnders. And the film's really good. I'm not, I won't give away the, the story because you probably, to be fair, if you watched a review of it or watched, you know, the video, video, what do they call them? Premiere or whatever, you know, if they, you kind of get the idea of what the film is about because that's the hook.

That's the hook to the film is the scenario. But it's nice to watch it. It's worth watching it without knowing what the scenario is because then it just gives, it means it's a bit of a surprise.

And that surprise unfolds due throughout the film. You know, there's still new little twists and turns. There's just, it's delightful.

It's a delight. I don't use the word delightful generally, but it's a delightful film. It's upbeat.

And it's funny. It's, yeah, it's almost kind of joyous, kind of a, it's a good film. It's a really nice film.

And I'd recommend it to anyone that likes good films. Yeah, dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee. What other films did I like? There's quite a few to be fair.

I've seen, there's lots. Where was downloaded? What does WP stand for? Agree. Continue.

Oh, the Washington Post. I've got the Washington Post on there. That's all right, isn't it? Do I have to pay for it though? When big news happens, we'll deliver.

Swipe to begin. Oh, okay. It's given me a list of menus, but I've no idea.

Moscow. I know some people call it Moscow, don't they? But it's, yeah, I won't read that story. Put it this way, I think it's an embarrassing story for the country involved regarding their, I don't know, aim, possibly would be the word.

Bad aiming. Metal in your chicken. This is quite interesting.

I've never really tried to watch, to like read the news on a tablet before, but this is quite well put together actually. Like the design of the newspaper. Girl Scouts new lemon cookie is underwhelming.

Wow. Why would that be a story? FBI assures foreign intelligence court it was Titan standards. It's time to disrupt higher ed.

Here's how. Oh, a teenager discovers a new planet on the third day of his NASA internship. That's interesting.

When you think about it, there's something special about new eyes, isn't there? Fresh eyes looking at something, especially something like space where I'm guessing it can look a bit samey at times. Well, like the little stars kind of mingled together a little bit. There's a thing is, is what happened to winter and will it ever show up? Were you in a hurry, in a hurry for freezing temperatures? Oh yeah.

Yeah. Good luck with that. It's starting to get cold here now, which I'm not bothered about, but it's just, it's supposed to, isn't it? I don't see any worry.

I don't see the point in worrying about things like weather, general, you know, general weather. I mean, and we're quite lucky in my country. We don't get, we don't get much extreme weather.

Occasionally, you know, very high winds or, um, a heck of a loss of rain in a short period of time. But generally we're pretty okay. We don't, don't have hurricane seasons.

We don't have monsoon seasons or flood seasons, you know, tropical stuff like that. Um, we don't have droughts or proper, you know, droughts that some countries have. We're very, we're in quite a wet part of the world, you know, relatively.

Marianne Williamson drops out of presidential race. Oh, that's a shame. Don't know who she is.

Let's have a look. Who is she? Marianne, oh no. She's trying to get me to pay.

I don't want to pay. Oh no, it is making me pay. You won't let me to read it unless I pay.

By tapping below and subscribing to the Washington Post, you agree to our terms and conditions, support journalism that matters, get six months of access for only one dollar. But you're wrong. Your journalism doesn't matter.

It's just... All right, it's not letting me read it at all, not even on the smaller page. Oh, what's the point in being here then? What's the point in it being, what's the point? It's just teasing me. I'm going to get rid of that.

How can I get rid of it? I don't like that now. Very, very much don't like it. When your partner wants to be president.

Oh, so I've got the newsstand. So I'm going to click in boxing. Let's see if it's got anything to do with boxing in there.

Tyson Fury, successful boxers. Gary, buying for 7.99. Order a sample. £3.47. Gypsy King behind the mask.

How many books can you have? That's weird. So it's offering this thing to say, oh, the news desk thing, newsstand. But when I go to try and find stuff to put in there, there's nothing.

There's nothing I can actually download, which is in the newsstand. And why is that? Oh, now it is. I have to go to the thing.

Best selling magazines, deals on digital magazines, best sellers. The Economist, The Week, Closer. Oh, sounds a bit loud, doesn't it? Sorry.

Let's have a look at this. Wow, monthly. They want me to pay.

I don't have to pay. Can't I get it for free? Isn't there like a monthly thing where I can get everything for a month and I can read that stuff to you and share it? There's got to be surely some kind of newsstand. So current issue £1.49. This is for Closer magazine or monthly subscription £5.49, which works at £1.27 per issue.

Oh, how interesting. New Year's deal, newspapers, Kindle. Okay, let's have a look at newspapers.

Blimey. Wow, I can't believe it. All the newspapers, yeah.

Yeah. Okay, technically, so it's not that much considering every day, but The Guardian, The Observer. So The Observer is on a Sunday and The Guardian's Monday to Saturday.

£9.99 a month. Oh, The Times. I think it's The Times and The Sunday Times.

I mean, there's a lot of stuff there. There's a lot of stuff to read. £14.99 a month.

The Telegraph's £9.99 a month. I mean, I probably would choose The Guardian out of the bigger papers. The Mail £8.99 a month.

The Daily Mail. Financial Times £17.98 a month. Now, I used to be a fan of The Independent until 1993 when they did an article on me and there was a bit of a stitch up.

Although I still have read it late afterwards as well, but I kind of, I didn't expect that from The Independent because for me that was, it was one of the papers I read, it was one of my favourite papers. Although I did also used to read The Tabloids as well, but that was just more for comedy material. So The New York Times is £13.99 a month.

The Irish Times £14.99 a month. I bet not many people in Ireland would pay that. That's a lot of money for a newspaper per month.

I suppose monthly. Yeah, it is, isn't it? I still think considering it's just on a screen, it's nothing, it doesn't take any, no print, no paper. The New York Times International version is £9.99 a month.

The London's Evening Standard. Now this, this I find interesting. It's £3.99 a month, but they give them away free.

The actual, the newspapers themselves are given away free in London. Yeah, if you want to watch it, if you want to read them online, and I'm guessing they're still going to be full of adverts, £3.99 a month. The adverts bit is a guess because I can't know unless I pay for it.

But the Herald, I don't know what, is this, is that a Scottish paper I think? £9.99 a month. Le Monde, I've got no idea what that is. Sounds French though, so it's £12.99 a month.

El Pais, Dixit, that sounds German, I think. £10.99 a month. Le Stamper, is that Spanish? El Pais, that's Spanish, isn't it? I don't know how I'm making it, I've got no idea.

And Gazeta, Frankfurter Allgemeine, El Mundo, these were all, Frankfurter Allgemeine, £16.98 for a paper about sausages. Wow. So, Sous-Dixit, £9.99 a month.

Politico, £6.99 a month. Mail and Guardian, again I don't know where that's from. The Indian Express, £3.99 a month.

Sounds like a takeaway, doesn't it? The Reporter, National Catholic Reporter. Didn't know there was such a thing, wow. £2.99 a month.

I wonder if that's daily? The Los Angeles Times, that is £7.99 a month to read on a, on a, what's it? Tablet. Nottingham Post, £4.99 a month. The New Yorker, £16.98 a month.

So, although it'd be interesting to read something like the Los Angeles Times, it'd also be, I don't know, kind of irrelevant in the sense of I don't live there. I think it's probably more relevant for people that live in that area. Otherwise, you can get the World News or the, yeah, I suppose, I mean, the New York Times, again, that's like hugely famous paper, isn't it? But it's going to be, they talk about world news and everything, but I imagine there's also going to be focusing on New York, which would make sense, I think.

There's the Baltimore Sun, £4.99 a month. China Daily, £4.99 a month. Can't believe there's loads.

Shanghai, Shanghai, Shanghai Daily, £3.99 a month. Quad City, £7.99 a month. ABC, £12.99 a month.

The Globe and Mail, £9.99 a month. The Seattle Tunes or Times, £7.99 a month. It looks like tunes the way the writing, the writing on the thing, it does look like tunes, but it's definitely times.

Chicago Sun Times, £7.99 a month. San Francisco Chronicle, £8.99 a month. Capital Weekly, it looks, I think that looks to me like maybe it's Russian, £3.99 a month.

Investors Business Daily, £8.99 a month. Handle Splat at £16.98 a month. The Financial Express, £3.99 a month.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer, £7.99 a month. And you've got Mint, whatever that is, £3.99 a month. There's so many, so many, but where are all the English papers? And when I say that, I mean like the tabloids.

The only one they had was the Mail, Daily Mail, and that's pretty much a tabloid paper. It's not as tabloidy as like the Sun or the Star or you know, the Mirror. But why are those papers not in here? If I filter it, filter, go back, go back.

Right, okay. So if I go Chicago Tribune, nah. Current Issue, 75 pence.

Newspaper Library, Entertainment and Pop Culture, News Politics, Newspapers. Again, it's just taking me back to where I was. So the Sun, the Mirror, the Star, the Daily Express, none of those are on here.

How unusual. Unless it's under a different section. Not really news.

Entertainment and Pop Culture, no. Times, PlayStation, Real People, Boost, Uncut. Wow, wow.

These magazines. It's got one, it says £37.99 a year for Uncut UK, or Total Film, £27.99. And I kind of think, I probably want the magazine in my hand rather than it on the screen. Oh, ah, Hello Magazine is available with Kindle Unlimited, which is what I've got.

So here's me moaning. But actually, if I filter, no, go back, go back. Filter, Kindle Unlimited, Hello Magazine and TV and Satellite Week.

Read, I can read that for nothing because, yeah, I'll get rid of that. Oh, it's downloading now. It's 1% downloaded.

This is exciting. So there are some magazines that I can download on Kindle Unlimited, because I've got that monthly thing for that, which means I can read as many books that's on there. But I've never thought about looking at the magazines.

So I wonder if there's any papers that I can get on there as well. But the good thing about that is I can read it to you. Oh, I was excited.

So let's have a look. This is, perhaps what I'll do is I'll read it tomorrow. The, this is Hello Magazine.

And I don't want to, I don't want to, it's trying to get me to read it. Exclusive report, a historic new era. This is the opportunity to restate what a monarchy is all about.

So there's a picture of the Queen, Prince Charles, Prince William, and Prince William's oldest son. I'm not sure what his name is. It's Archie or Bobby.

Or is Archie Harry's son? I get a little bit confused. But look how big he is now. He's practically up to Prince Charles' nipples.

He's probably higher actually. Depends, because not quite up to his shoulders, but probably near his collarbone. He's a tall lad, but then they are quite tall, aren't they? I think the Prince William and Prince Charles are quite tall.

So the little boy, Prince William's son, he can only be about, can't be more than about seven. He's nearly as tall as his grandmother. But in all fairness, he might be standing on a box because there's something hiding in the bottom of his feet.

So he might be standing on a box to make him taller. Ah, thinking about it, yeah, it does look like that because otherwise he's got daddy long legs. Seriously, I think his legs would be way too long.

Yeah, that's what it is. Unless there's actually going to be a proper picture so I can see. I want to see a proper picture.

I want to go to that. Lots of adverts. Loads of, oh man, some of these pictures are beautiful.

Oh dear. Absolutely, like the interior designs and stuff. Oh, never mind.

I don't know who this is. It's a bunch of famous people. Now, it's James Middleton and fiancée Alizee Sizzle in St. Bart's ahead of wedding.

I thought St. Bart's was a hospital. Apparently they're sizzling. Not sunbathing, but sizzling.

Oh, there's a picture of Anthony Joshua in a pose. Looking fighting fit as he took to the golden sands of Barbados. Boxer Anthony seems to be enjoying a knockout start to 2020 and no wonder.

The 30-year-old reclaimed multiple world heavyweight titles in December after his points victory over Randy Ruiz Jr. I didn't know his dad, so I don't think we need the junior bit because I'm not going to get confused between him and Anthony or Andy Ruiz Sr. There's no way I'm going to get confused between the two of them. This is just Andy Ruiz. It's kind of all I need.

Just saying. And a victory over Andy Ruiz in Saudi Arabia or Saudi Arabia. And it's been estimated that the feat has earned him as much as 60 million dollars.

And then it says not a bad end of year bonus. It's not. Whatever it was.

It's just a bunch of famous people that are on a beach, which is kind of the opposite to what? Well, it's not the opposite. I mean, I know a lot of people go on holiday and stuff, but it's the opposite to what's happening here at the moment. There's a lot of really skinny people.

All of them. It's quite funny. All of them except Leonardo DiCaprio is skinny.

Not really, really skinny. Apart from obviously Andy Joshua is not skinny. He's just muscles, you know, but there's a picture and I like this because Leonardo DiCaprio, you know, massive star, but he's got a belly on him.

And I like that. That's brilliant. Because how old is he? 45.

He's supposed to have a belly. And his girlfriend is 22. Some people seem to have a go at him for being with younger women and stuff.

And I got nothing else to say on that one other than good luck. I'm sure she's getting just as much out of the relationship as he is possibly more. She looks happy.

They both look happy. Good luck to them. That's what I think.

Good luck. They're having fun. What's wrong with that? Now there's a picture of someone.

What's her name? Catherine Tiddlesley is doing a pose where she's I've got no idea what that's about. Where is she from then? Every year Catherine Tiddlesley makes the same New Year's resolution to be happier and healthier than the one before. This time, however, the bar is set significantly higher.

This is unusual. I don't know what she's in. I don't know what she's in.

I can't be bothered to read it. But the pictures are very picturesque. They're not natural pictures, if you know what I mean.

They're very, very professional. Oh, there's a picture of Paul McCartney. That reminds me, did anyone see the New Words of Gummidge TV show? It was on Christmas.

I was wondering what you thought of that. There's a picture of Leona Lewis and the New Husband bet on a winning start to 2020. She's probably my second favourite X Factor winner.

She was my favourite X Factor winner until James Arthur. Then he became my number one X Factor winner. So Olly Murs, after a period of a single life, Olly Murs can now say his heart skips a beat once more, thanks to new girlfriend Amelia Tank.

The signature in her... So not mention how old she is. Not mention how old he is either, which is normally what they do, for some reason. 34 year old Olly Murs with 22 year old Amelia, a competitive bodybuilder who combines lift and weights with a career in finance.

And I don't know how old she is, but that's what she does apparently. And good luck to her. I mean, it's good to keep up date with that, but she's also really, really skinny.

And then Natalie Vodianova, very, very, very skinny. And then I've got someone that isn't skinny, Sarah Jane Mee, but she's pregnant. I don't know who she is.

I do know who she is because she does... She's a TV presenter on Sky. I saw her the other day. I'm sure I've seen her somewhere else before.

She's Sky News host. She's 16 weeks pregnant. She did something else in the past.

I need to Google that to find out, because she looks familiar to me. Her face looks familiar. So I'm sure I've seen her before.

I saw her for the first time this week on Sky. There's another picture. Oh, there's an advert there.

What is this? We are the NHS. We are supported. New annual payments for all undergraduate and postgraduate nursing students from August, 2020.

Funding of between 5,000 and 8,000 that you don't have to pay back. Yeah, but you'd need more. That's the thing.

Well, I suppose you'd still got all the other stuff plus that on top, because if you're working as a nurse, you're training as a nurse, I personally, is what I think. I think nurses should be able to be trained, not have to pay anything towards the training and get full-time wages while they're training. That's what I think.

Oh, it's got pictures of some of the New Year's Eve firework displays. So there's a picture of Charlie Ferron wearing Dior poses with her International Star Actress Award for her role in Bombshell, in which she stars alongside Nicole Kidman and Margaret Robey. And then there's Jennifer.

I like that. They don't even say what her name is. They just assume everyone knows who she is.

Jennifer graces the red carpet in Richard Quinn floral gown, which she accessorized with a pink Tyler Ellis clutch and pink Casadei heels. She later picked up the Spotlight Actress Award. Actress above left.

And that's Jennifer Lopez. But because she's so famous, we don't need to say her name, because we all know who she is. What about people who don't know who she is? I know who she is.

But I want to see if that picture of them, of William, with him standing on a box. Oh, he's not. Ah, no, he's not at all.

There's a full length picture. But it is deceiving because the bit that they were missing out didn't show the bottoms of the feet of any of them actually, or maybe just Prince William. So Prince William's son is on the left.

The Queen's standing on the floor. By the way, the rest of the sentence isn't, the rest of them are floating. They're all standing on the floor.

But the Queen's at the bottom. And there's some steps. Now Prince William is standing on the floor next to his grandmother, the Queen.

And Prince Charles is standing on the first step with his grandson. Old Watson, whatever his name is, Prince William's son. Prince William is nearly as tall as his dad, standing on the floor below the step.

Yeah, it's a nice picture. So Sir William's son, maybe he's older than eight. I don't know.

Yeah, what else is on here? Lots of pictures of the Royals on here. Who else is this? Melanie Sykes. Yeah, fabulous at 50.

Superstars of the catwalk, screen and music world are among the women celebrating landmark golden birthdays this year. Still hitting career peaks and looking fit and glamorous. It's hard to believe these women aren't two decades younger.

But along with their beauty, they exude, exude, a self, exude, exude, exude, a self-confidence born of maturity. This is Claudia Schieffer, Naomi Campbell. And to be fair, Naomi Campbell, she don't look too much different from what she did years ago.

As far as Claudia Schieffer goes, yeah, she's don't even look that much different either, facially. And the next one, what is it? Maria Kari is a singing superstar. Maria Kari, Maria admits that she tends to go round down her age.

So there's some debate as to how old she is. I doubt, I don't count years, but I definitely rebuke them. She has said, I have anniversaries, not birthdays, because I celebrate life, darling.

However, her mother, Patricia, once told Oprah Winfrey that her daughter was born in 1970, meaning the star will be 50 this year. Oh, good old mother. And Maria isn't short of accomplishments in her life so far.

This month, she became the first artist to top the US charts in four separate decades. And she welcomed twins, Moroccan and Monroe, with her then husband, Nick Cannon, in 2011. It's unconditional love, and I never thought I was going to have kids.

Yeah, I don't know. I'm thinking about it. She was born in 1970.

She became famous in about 1991. 1991, A Vision of Love, I think was her first big hit. And which means she was born in 1970.

She's the same year as me, which means she'd be about 21 then, which would make sense. And based on that, the least, the most she could take off her age would be three years, really, which would make her maybe 17 when she had her first hit, instead of 20. And because if she'd have been 16, it would have been a big deal because they, you know, remember Tiffany and who's the other one that were both teenagers, and there's such a big, a big hoo-ha about them being young.

And also Britney Spears. She was about 12, wasn't she, when she did her first like huge hit. And I think the record producers that backed her and, you know, signed her up and everything.

They were almost feeling guilty, I imagine. So they've kept it going. A King of Soho, Paul Raymond's granddaughter, Thorne James, shared her vision for the once notorious district after overhaul for famed theatre.

So just thinking, what? He was very rich, that man. Apparently he owned loads of stuff. Lots of adverts.

The Perfect. What's that about? A personal trainer, author and broadcaster, Alice Leaving, or Livreen, is one of the UK's biggest voices in health and fitness. I've never heard of her.

And I'm, well, there's no one fitter than me. Where is she? The 26-year-old Instagram star from Gerrard's Cross, Buckinghamshire, shot to fame after shaving or sharing motivational workouts and healthy meal plans on the social media platform. She now has more than 635,000 followers, has trained celebrities as well.

Oh, cool. Good for you. And yep.

Hmm. All right, what's next? Adverts. Adverts.

More adverts. More adverts. More adverts.

There's a lot of adverts on here. Hmm. Even the adverts have adverts.

Oh, I seem to have run out of, I seem to have read the whole thing. Yeah. Yeah, read the whole thing.

It's gone. Done. Well, that was, I'm glad I didn't have to pay £9 or £4.99 to buy that.

I was lucky. Yeah, there's a lot of adverts on those magazines. And even the articles seem to be just adverts.

Or the, even like award ceremonies. They're showing the celebrities and then underneath saying what clothes they're wearing. I can see what, I can see they're wearing clothes.

But no, no, no. We need to know the actual labels and how much they'll cost. And where to buy them.

Yeah. Perhaps it's always been like that. Yeah, I don't know.

Might have been. Do you think? Yeah. So that's, that's it really.

That's, that's it for today. That's it for today. And I will be back again tomorrow with another instalment of Let Me Bore You To Sleep.

And I will try and find something online. That book of private detectives that I read when I was a kid. Because I just want to see it.

I want to see if it's, I want to see if it's still available. Because those books were brilliant. You know, they'd give you tips and techniques and special gadgets and things like that.

That you could buy or make yourself. You know, things like invisible glasses. Which, again, they came through the post but there's nothing in the box.

So two days in a row I've done that joke. Kind of. So I'm going to go.

Thank you for listening. Thank you very much for being part of this experiment. If you like what I do, leave a review.

Remember to be kind to yourself because you do deserve to be happy. And spread that happiness by being kind to others. If you want to.

Lots of love. Bye.