#268 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (5th December 2019)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep My name is Jason Newland Please only listen and you can safely close your eyes Wham, wham, woo, woo Widdly, widdly, woom and other sounds that may rhyme that may not and as I talk to you I'm feeling rather tired myself rather tired and I'm going to lay back in my squeaky chair and I'm going to try not to fall asleep there is a chance I might fall asleep and I can even feel myself mumbling a bit so you might not be able to understand every single word

that I say but you might also but then you might understand every word and wish you didn't because not everything I say may be of use because it would just be a bunch of words which is kind of goes straight to the heart of these recordings because it's about being boring and I'm constantly looking into different ways to to express my boring side and I don't know what that it's just my lips so there's various different ways that something could be boring but it could be me talking about something that I am actually interested in

because sometimes someone someone can be talking and it's boring but it's not really boring not like universally boring and they may not may not like feel that what they're saying and that the subject matter is boring but if you're not interested in that particular topic you may think you know like oh I don't really want to listen to this and I've found in the past that usually at parties or perhaps a social gathering where you know in the past I don't really do many these days but I'd get almost cornered by usually a man who

wants to talk to me or talk at me about something that they are interested in and oh this chair is so squeaky leave it here in the squeaky chair makes me feel tired I mean I burnt my tongue earlier I had a toasted tea cake and they're like well they're toasted tea cakes I don't really like anything they're just tea buns similar to hot cross buns and I had the toasted tea cake so I put it in the toaster well I mean it's in bits, not in bits, lots of different bits it wasn't crumbs I

don't toast crumbs although bread crumbs do smell nice apparently I don't know if it's used these days but in the past people that were trying to sell houses and they'd have like an open house where people could pop in and have a look have a little gander, have a little poke about the estate agent would put bread crumbs in the oven because there'd then be that smell of a bare king of bread and it's a nice smell for those that like it and of course not everybody likes everything otherwise I don't know would it be

a good thing if everybody liked everything I don't know it's er eh anyway I had the tea cake and it came out of the toaster I had it in two bits, in a half but they come like that when you actually because I bought them from Iceland and the that's a long way to travel that's a long way to travel it's not even funny so I go to Iceland and buy I buy these tea cakes and there's two tea cakes for a pound I like things that cost a pound it's one of those things in

life I like a free meal and I like things that cost a pound yeah that's like two of the things that I like yeah two of my favourite things wasn't that a song by Mary Poppins two of my favourite things free meals and pound items those are a few of my favourite things I like getting free stuff I like eating free food I like spending one pound when I buy my stuff la la la la la la la la la these are a few of my favourite things yeah is it Mary Poppins or is it

the Sound of Music because I know Mary Poppins was in both she just wore different clothes how did she fly with an umbrella Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella isn't it weird see that song the Rihanna song it's about 12 years old Umbrella, Ella, Ella and whenever I say Umbrella I just want to say Ella, Ella and I can't stop myself and I don't know why I don't know why never used to be like that I used to be able to say Umbrella like that but Rihanna and Jay-Z who was I think also in that song I

think he started off saying he hears Rihanna one time, one time or something like that and she says E-O-O-E E-O-O-O-O Umbrella, Ella, Ella Ella, Ella one time I can't remember how yeah I don't remember how the song goes perhaps I need to do a bit more research before I start these things but I don't feel that I can be bothered you know what I mean oh ba ba dee bee ba da ba doo ba ba dee ba dee bee ba ba dee boo always wanted to be a a singer not always but I wanted to

be a songwriter and singer just never happened never I think one of the things that got in the way was lack of talent just a real lack of talent it's a real it can be a real career burner you know I've only had some talent but I could sing I used to be able to sing Michael Jackson songs when I was well pretty much even into my early thirties I used to be able to reach the high notes I'm pretty sure when I was in my late twenties but that my voice went down a bit

but I can still do the high notes kind of but not quite as much and I can't really do a demonstration whilst I'm making this recording because the whole point of this is to kind of wind down how you feel wind down the day you know so that you feel calmer and more relaxed however if I was to start singing you might start getting excited and it's not fair really I don't want to do that I really want to stick to the point of just being boring that's kind of what I'm looking for and continuing

to that's my goal my goal is to to become even more boring than I ever was to the point where you can almost think wow I really didn't believe that that Jason Bloke could ever be more boring than he was but now it's like he's taken it to a whole new level and he's talking for an hour and there literally is no content it's just a bunch of words and therefore I think to myself I wonder if I would enjoy traveling in a hot air balloon and the reason I mentioned that is because I don't

really think that I would enjoy that experience which kind of makes me think why would I even think about doing something like that when I really don't want to I don't mean I don't want to think about doing it although I don't want to think about doing it but I don't want to think about thinking about doing it or talk about thinking about thinking about talking about thinking about doing it and then as I said those words I started thinking about a holiday I had when I was about 10 or 11 and we went to

Wales and and it was lovely it was really nice and we stayed I say we it was a family thing I didn't hitchhike there on my own and we all went in a car because I was the littlest I sat in the middle in the back of the car so that was a long journey and I think it lasted for about 7 weeks the journey to Wales or was it 7 hours but it did seem like quite some journey and when we were there when we were actually in Wales itself there was didn't Pinocchio live

in a whale?

Pinocchio, he did didn't he? that's what I was asking the people in Wales where's Pinocchio, does he live here? I thought he lived in a whale but no one seemed to understand what I was talking about we went to a slate mine and this was a place where they they make slates you know the things that you have on your not your ceiling but the other side of the ceiling and the outside bit the roof there are parts of the world where you say roof but that's incorrect, it's roof that's the correct way to say it it's all about education I'm just going to get onto the roof roof, what's a roof?

I'm getting up onto the roof to fix the aerial how do you mean you get onto the roof to fix the aerial? no, the aerial no, it's the aerial the roof for the aerial what are you talking about?

I don't know so we talk about the slate mine again it's not really again is it, it's more kind of going back to it rather than re-talking about something that's already been discussed because I don't recollect ever mentioning the slate mine before now, in fact I don't think I've ever mentioned it since it happened and when I say it happened nothing happened, it was just we went and visited a slate mine a mine full of slates and I remember when I got there thinking well, a couple of things, but one was oh, so this is

where the slates come from because I used to think that you just got them in shops like DIY shops and you know, builders merchants and stuff I had no idea you could get them in other places didn't realise they were grown out of the ground wow, it's free, you've just got to dig a big hole a hole big enough so, and it was a big hole I've seen some big holes and this is a very big hole very dirty big hole and I went down the hole we were allowed, it was kind of it was

all safe but we were able to go down in it and have a look it's like, wow, it's big it's a big dark dirty hole I was looking into it and as I was in the little it's kind of a, like a lift thing going down and I started to think I wonder if this is what it's like being in a hot air balloon basket except it would be going up and I started to imagine what would I actually do if I was in a hot air balloon where would I go and why I mean,

the why bit would just be generally why about the whole thing but what would I do with a hot air balloon balloon it's not spelled correctly is it it should be B-L-O-O-N or B-L-U-N-E potentially B-L-E-W-N but B-A-L-L-O-O-N it doesn't make sense balloon, no one calls them oh, don't forget you know, for the christening and for the wedding we need more balloons no, say more balloons balloons, what's a balloon says the shop that you've gone in to buy some balloons, I don't know what a balloon is sir, I'm sorry oh wait a minute, do you mean

balloons no, I meant balloons sir, I don't mind balloons I've had my mouth around a few things over the years I've blown into them I think the thing I'd quite like to do I don't like the round balloons it seems a bit pointless clearly there's no pointless you can't really have a point on a balloon can you but if I quite like I quite like the idea of making things with balloons like party animals and stuff like that not party animals like, you know, in kind of like a party making but I don't know and

I've got a question with hot air balloons so with a boat you have an anchor and the anchor falls down and hopefully clings on to something at the bottom of the ocean and that's how an anchor works I think yet with a hot air balloon and the basket because you do need a basket really I suppose there are other ways of doing it but I think a basket would suit me but I'd want a chair a nice comfy chair inside the basket I mean what's the point in floating up in the air if you're still

standing up you know the whole point is to feel you're not going to if you're standing on something you're not going to feel like you're flying so I think I'd quite like a harness so that my legs weren't touching anything so I could really pretend I was Superman but without I don't know responsibility because you know if you were Superman everybody just wants your time you wouldn't get a second a piece a piece a piece would you a second a piece that's the word I'm trying to get you'll get all those people wanting something oh

can you save me oh this is going to happen can you stop this from happening yeah yeah yeah listen fella I'm just trying to have a nice quiet drink can you just leave me alone if you don't understand there's this major event happening and all you've got to do you can pop over there you'll be there in probably 5 seconds and you can just deal with it it's a volcano you can probably just put it out with your breath and then you can get back in in like 10 minutes yeah but you don't understand this

is my night off this is date night yeah but you're sitting there on your own Superman yeah well how can it be date night if you're on your own well it's a Wednesday and Wednesday is a date night and it's definitely Wednesday so this is what I do on Wednesdays yeah but Superman Superman what about the volcano what about it well there's villages what about all the villages that live you know on the side of the volcano well they live at the side of a volcano what did they expect to happen whoa Superman that's a

bit dismissive wow I didn't expect that yeah but if you if you live if it's a volcano an active volcano you don't even I, a volcano wouldn't affect me because I'm Superman a volcano is that'd just be that's by a little bit of rain if that was like flooding on me it's like nothing, don't affect me at all because I'm indestructible yet even so I still wouldn't build a house right next to a volcano because although I'm indestructible, my house isn't what about your big mansion of solitude in the ice icy place you mean fortress

of solitude yeah fortress of solitude you just remembered it didn't you yeah I know I did mansion of follitude mansion of solitude fortress of solitude anyway forget that I wouldn't, as Superman I would not build a house next to a volcano you know so let's have a look where should we build our house we can build it over there a long long way away from the volcano which is active which could erupt at any time or I know let's build this house actually on the volcano very cynical aren't you Mr.

Superman maybe but I would like to thank you for showing the respect of calling me Mr.

Superman because of course that's what I am I am pretty super look at that itchy ear oh oh Andre loves having his ear tickled and I put my finger in his ear and my finger doesn't go all the way in because he's only got little ears and I don't poke him in, I don't stick him right in it doesn't come out the other ear but I just push it in, just move it around a little bit and he pushes his head against my finger he loves it he really really likes it because he can't do

it himself he can't get to inside his own ear so when I do that it's giving him something I guess it feels nice but it's also giving him it's scratching an itch perhaps I don't know I don't know if he's got itchy ears he's never told me imagine how weird that would be though if he could actually talk see I've got all these ideas and all this big personality that I've kind of put onto him so he's got I'm thinking oh he loves his daddy and he likes this and he likes that but if he

could actually talk he might just be shouting at me get me food leave me alone get me food that might just be all he's doing he might not have so much to say that he might take after me and have nothing to say he could take over the podcast couldn't he he could you know Andre's podcast oh I'm so tired oh really really tired so the tea cakes were cooked you know they were toasted in the toaster so I took them out put them on a plate and I put the other tea cake in you

know it was in half and I put that in the toaster and for some reason I don't know why I decided to stick my tongue on one of the currents in the bun and I burnt the end of my tongue on a current that was in the bun a current bun burny tongue story that is and I thought oh that's all so what I did I had my tub of I can't believe it's not butter and I put a little bit on a knife and I dipped my tongue I didn't dip my tongue into the

actual carton of margarine just a little bit of margarine that's on or butter whatever you want to call it put it onto the end of my tongue and it really did do the trick it soothed it, it started to soothe it instantly and I was surprised not in like a really big way but just a surprising way because many may say well why did I do it if I didn't expect it to work but why does anybody do anything is my response and the answer to that is it's unlimited isn't it really because the reason

different people do whatever it is that they do is for their own reasons this chair is so squeaky but now I've got a little bit of a little bit of a blister on the end of my tongue but it's ok you know technically it's ok it's just one of those things you know but why did I do it why did I put my tongue onto something that was very very hot what possible reason did I have for such a an unusual behavioural response to a hot tea cake with a hot currant bun raisin embedded in

it because the currants are one of the things I like although or if you can get them which I don't have anywhere close to me that does such things I'm pretty sure I've had them in the past where you can get a tea cake with bits of orange rind or something in as well it's like really fruity like a fruity tea cake and when I say fruity I don't mean doesn't flirt with me doesn't get me all excited and then run off laughing it gives me it's got lots of fruit like currants, raisins maybe not

coconut coconut wouldn't work for me it's not something, I've never been a big fan of coconut, I've just dropped my slipper on the floor I've not been a big fan of coconut but I do like the taste it's but then I like the smell of petrol but that's as far as I'd go with that particular thing with coconut, I can't eat it I can eat it well yeah there's no law but it's, well there are laws obviously there's lots of laws but I really like the taste of coconut like cakes with coconut stuff like that,

it tastes beautiful it almost feels like I'm trying to eat tobacco it feels like I've never chewed tobacco but that's the only thing I can think of it as being like because it doesn't I can't swallow it it's sort of like spitting tobacco I have to walk around with a little spittoon I don't have to walk around with it I do have options other options to do other things I mean it's not all it's not all kind of it doesn't always have to be a specific way the tea cakes were tasty but I just I

don't know, something about having a burnt me tongue just it almost took the romance out of the experience of eating the tea cakes wasn't everything that I wished for and more or less it depends really doesn't it depends what you're looking for hello is it me you're looking for I can see it in your eyes I can see it in your smile you're all I ever wanted my eyes are open wide because I don't know what to say and I don't know what to do but let me tell you right now I love you hoo

hoo hoo hoo hoo bidoo bidoo so this slate mine I'm pretty sure that it was ok see I liked being in Wales I like Wales it's a very long journey but it's a very beautiful very beautiful place but what I didn't understand is how come it took so many hours to get to Wales in a car when in when I did my NLP training in 99 I met a new friend called Carl and we did some stuff together and we were both sort of enthusiastic about NLP he went on to be a trainer I think

he still is I lost contact with him in 2001 I think it is yeah so I kind of knew him for a couple of years 99, 2000, 2001 yeah yeah so I knew him for a couple of years and I went up to his place I think twice to Wales and I'd see him if he came back down to London and with my recollection when I went to Wales on the train from London it really didn't take very long maybe an hour and a half two hours in my memory it wasn't a really really long

train journey because a couple of hours isn't too bad on a train it's doable I think and the place that I travelled from when I was a kid to go to Wales was only 60 miles from London so I'm kind of thinking alright then why did it take so long to get to Wales by car and I don't have an answer to that I just don't know it's the same as Kent as well see when I was a kid we used to travel up to Kent and that was a really really long journey yet from

London to Kent is not a particularly long journey at all and I don't understand it unless the trains travel really fast because I know some trains can travel exceedingly fast but I don't know because well I didn't ask the train driver how fast he was going because I never got to meet him or her, I don't know who it was but I didn't get to ask and I never really knew how to judge the speed of a train from a passenger's perspective now there may be apps on phones and tablets that actually will tell you

how fast you're moving and it wouldn't surprise me if there is such a thing which is kind of groovy really if there is such a thing but I don't know if there is that's one of those things that I don't have an answer to I mean I know there are apps that can be used for things and there was one recently that I thought, ooh I'll have a look at that and then I forgot and now I don't remember what it was that I'd forgotten that I wanted to look into because I'd forgotten and there's

a part of me thinking well if it was that old voice you know that you get told when you were a kid well if it was important you'd remember it couldn't have been that important then could it well I don't know my hair's getting long now and I had a shave the two aren't necessarily connected yeah I got longer hair it's starting to go curly like proper curly at the front at the back even on top it's curly, it's like a big mound of curliness and I don't know how I feel about it because normally

when my hair gets to the curly length I will shave it all off but with the current weather and the temperatures has been reducing somewhat I don't think shaving my head is very practical because the things you shave your hair off you can't put it back on you can but it'll be looking silly at least if you've got longer hair you can have it trimmed so I'm kind of thinking you know I think I will just let it grow but I did have a shave I had a face shave shaved my face and my chin

and you know just facial stuff and I don't know maybe I should have kept the beard but it'll be back soon there'll be another one in a week or so have a beard back be walking around checking myself out every opportunity in puddles because that's a good thing about this time of year because as it gets colder the puddles turn to ice it's just like having a little mirror of course you have to get on your hands and knees and get quite close to the ground in order to see yourself but it can kind of

be worth it depending on what what you fancy eating and having ice cream with lettuce and eggs with radish by the side eating and smelling fish fingers between your toes eating jelly babies by the dozen see I really am a songwriter extraordinaire there is no doubt I am about I'll take it to the max I used to wear a hat but no more because I don't need a hat to get noticed because I'm a rapper a rap rapper swear down you get me swear down you get me swear down that's the beginning of my next

song I'm trying to figure out how to use the word man come to my yard or he come to man's yard you get me you get me here's a little song just for you here's a little song one day there was a big glitz he thought it was nice to play outside then came a big cow with big big boobies and then the piglet fell in love with the cow but the cow didn't want to know because the pig didn't show her that he was the right little piglet for her he wanted to impress her

she wouldn't have it she said no no no and he said please and she said maybe and he said really and she said no I was just joking I'm not interested in piglets so please leave me alone and he said but all my life I've waited for you all my life this is all I ever wanted to do I'm in love with you don't you know it's true I need you by my side especially when I want to hide because you're so big and I'm little and I realise that we may be very different different

and I realise that you may not see me the way I see you but I make this promise that one day you see me see me see me I make this promise that one day you will love me love me because I love you I really really do you're ever so special special special to me me I'm in love with you really I am because if it all goes wrong you can have me as ham so what do you say then would you be my girlfriend but the cow didn't answer because the cow didn't speak

and piglet realised how could he have a relationship with an animal that doesn't speak and then he started thinking but love conquers all even if you cannot speak we can still fall in love this is how it's meant to be even if you cannot speak we can still fall in love and dance and kiss and cuddle we can still be together forever and maybe we can get pillows filled with feathers what do you say now I figure that you can't speak I do fancy you though you're saying maybe you can give me a chance because

if you give me a chance maybe you will fall in love fall in love with me and then maybe you will see there's more to me than just being piggy so you should perhaps stop being piggy and choose this little little piggy I know that piggy sounds like piggy but really it's kind of like a rhyme and maybe we can spend some time together forever together together ever ever ever ever and I'll look after you no matter what the weather may or may not be whether it's snowing or hailing I'll make sure that I look

after you whether in happiness or pain even if it even rains I'll protect you with my umbrella Ella Ella Ella Ella Ella Ella so do you want to go out for a date then because I really love you I really really really really do but right now I need to do a poo I'm sorry if that upsets you but that's what I've got to do ta-ra for now ta-ra and they both lived happily ever after so a little piglet and a cow had a lovely time lived really happily so that's the end of this recording

remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be loved and you deserve to be happy lots of love bye