#287 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (27th December 2019)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. That is my website where all of my stuff is, well, a lot of my stuff is on. Available to stream for free and download for free. And you can also send me a PayPal gift if you want as well.

It's jason, what is it, paypal.me forward slash jason newland or just go to the website. There's a link there. And this has let me bore you to sleep.

Please only listen when you can. Safely close your eyes. Hope that you're well.

Hope you're happy. Hope you're, I don't know, sleeping. Or able to allow me to bore you to sleep with my incredibly exciting tone.

So what I thought today is I would tell a story. It's a story of a little boy. And he called in, what should we call him? Bob.

His name is Bob. And he was, basically had two older brothers when he was born. And doesn't really remember much about the birth, thankfully.

And I think he, his only recollection was he was just glad to get out of there. And then when he went to school for the first day of high school, he thought, oh, I want to go back. Didn't like high school.

But anyway, when he was seven, he left where he was living with his two brothers. And he went to a little town. And he went to live with his father, whom he didn't actually really know very well.

And his father's wife, who he didn't actually really know very well, because she wasn't his mother, but she was his father's wife. But he didn't really know his father very well, because he hadn't really, up to the age of just before seven, hadn't really met him, you know. So really, they were both kind of equally as new to little Bobby.

Let's call him Bobby, it's easier. Little Bobby. And his two older brothers, forget their names, but they went with him to this place.

And it was really strange, the very first day, when they went there to live, he was told, you're never gonna have to go back to that other place again. At first, he thought he's, they meant, you know, he's the place he was born from. And they said, no, no, not that.

How old are you? Seven. How do you know about stuff like that? And he showed them a picture that he drew, and they thought, oh, that's a bit weird. What kind of school do you go to? And he drew another picture.

And they started to think, I wonder if he can talk? Can Bobby talk? Or is it just pictures all the time? Pictures all the time. And then Bobby said, yeah, no, I can talk. And the parents, because he, he embraced the idea of calling this new lady, Mummy, and calling this new man, Daddy, even though he was his daddy, biologically.

So he kind of embraced that, because he liked the idea. It seemed like a nice, seemed like a nice thing, you know? Like, oh, maybe Bobby was sitting there one day thinking, yeah, that'd be nice. I want to call them Mummy and Daddy, rather than just the new parents.

Because, you know, he didn't know how long it was gonna last. But he thought he'd give it a go, you know, give it a go. So it was the year 1977.

And it was the summer. And it was an awfully hot summer. Because the sun was out.

And the temperature was high, which caused a feeling of warmness in the air. And therefore, people were going around sweating and going, oh, isn't it hot? Isn't it hot? Everyone was just walking around banging into each other going, oh, isn't it hot? Yeah, it's never been this hot before. It's the hottest day since 1963.

I said, no, I don't know. I think 1976 last year was hotter. Oh, no, I don't think so.

Oh, but didn't you remember those ladybirds everywhere? And they said, oh, yeah, I forgot about that. How could you forget about the ladybirds? And they laughed. And they just held hands and skipped away and went for a big swim.

So Bobby, he used to walk down the road with the new parents and his two brothers. And they'd walk to the seafront. And it was ever so nice.

Because it was seafront. And there was sea. And he liked to see because previously, before he'd moved there, he'd lived in a place where there was sea.

And it made him feel comfortable. He had this real feeling of, oh, not sure if I like it here. And he sees the sea.

And he's like, oh, OK. It feels a little bit familiar. And he looks up at the sky.

Oh, we've got sky as well. That's nice. Well, it's a temperature.

I hope they've got water here and food. Yeah, he was very inquisitive and a bit over worrying. So he got his checklist out.

So he wanted to check his little pad with a little checklist of things that needed to be done. And because he was only seven, there wasn't really a lot to do. You know, just make sure you wipe properly and just, I don't know, moan a bit, run around aimlessly, roll around on the sand, jump into puddles, you know, things like that.

But it's sometimes easy to forget, isn't it, when you're seven? So he used to have a little checklist. And it was around that time that he started his hit list as well. So anyone that annoyed him or crossed him, he'd put their names down.

By the time he got to 10, it was up to about 4,000 names. Yes, he's very vindictive. Oh, I never let anything go.

So he was, one day he was walking down the beach, he decided to go on his own. So he snuck out of the house and he climbed through the cat flap, because he was only little. And didn't understand why there was a cat flap there, because they didn't have a cat.

But later we found out that actually they put it there so he could escape, hoping to, you know, run away so they could save a bit of money on food. But they all laughed about that when they suddenly found out one day in his 30s, during a Christmas celebration. And he decided to go for a nice little stroll.

Now he didn't call it a stroll because he was seven. He didn't really name it. It wasn't really it wasn't a planned activity in his book.

It wasn't a to-do, you know, it wasn't on his to-do list. But he did decide to write a diary about it. And occasionally, if he was really kind of, you know, things were going quite well, or there was some emotional element to that particular activity, he may write a poem about it.

And that made him feel lovely. Like, almost like having a cheese and tomato sandwich when you're really hungry. Yeah, that kind of feeling.

It was a feeling of fulfillment that can only come from a cheese and tomato sandwich when you're really hungry, or a bread roll before dinner. You know, in a restaurant. I don't know what they put in those bread rolls in restaurants.

But they're addictive. They're just... I prefer the bread rolls more than the actual meal. Never had a meal that tasted better than the bread rolls.

Ever. Isn't it strange? And Bobby just said to me, can you get on with the story, please? It's about me, not you. I'm trying to explain to him, it's always about me.

He said, no, it's not. It's about me, Bobby. Can you talk about the story, please? And I said, okay.

So Bobby went for this walk, went down the... basically, as you get out the cat flap, walk down to the end of the path, and there was a gate. But the gate didn't work. I mean, it worked, but it didn't.

You know, it closed, but it didn't close shut. As far as the, you know, the little handle thing that you push and pull up and down in order to open and close it? Well, it just, it was stuck. It was not frozen.

What's the equivalent to frozen, but not ice, not water, but metal. It's rusty, it was rusted. So it was metal frozen, metally frozen, rusted.

So he just opened it, although he could have probably climbed through one of the holes, because he was only about two centimeters long. But, you know, he'd liked, he wanted to be an adult. He wanted to be an adult.

That's why he climbed through the cat flap, because he'd seen his dad do it on many occasions. And he thought, I want to give that a go. I want to be just like my dad.

And I don't know how I'm going to get the beard, he thought. Because his dad had a beard. So he's walking down the road.

It was turned right out of the gate. And it was all the way down. And for him, it was quite a journey because he only had tiny little legs.

Huge upper body, like a giraffe, but tiny little legs. So he's walking towards the, well basically there was a train stop, like a railings where the train would go through. And the barrier would go down.

So that would sometimes do that so he couldn't pass through. But other times he could pass through, which was good. I don't remember how many times he could pass through and how many times he couldn't pass through.

But eventually he could pass through anyway, because he just needed to wait until the train had gone through. And there'd be a little ding ding ding, like that. And then the barriers would open again and he could walk through, which was quite good.

Because it meant you could get the other side. But it wasn't always in use. It wasn't always, always in use.

It was in use sometimes. But then sometimes it wasn't in use at all. But there used to be someone working on there, and who would manually close the gates.

So it's a very, yeah, very health and safety aware considering it was 1977. Because generally health and safety hadn't been invented at that point. So he's walking through there and he happened to be able to get straight through because there were no trains.

This might have been because it was a Sunday, or it might have been because there was no trains. I'm not sure. I mean, it's the 70s, so there may have been a train strike.

There was generally a strike about something in the 70s. In fact, I think some of the strikers actually went on strike, of being on strike. So they picketed against themselves.

Which was a bit strange. And so he's walking, doing the odd little skip as you would. And then he got to the road.

And he had to cross the road, but he wasn't allowed to cross the road. And he started thinking, well, if I'm not allowed to cross the road, how am I supposed to get across the road? That's a bit of a difficult puzzle really, isn't it? Or perhaps I just would have said that's a bit of a puzzle because puzzles are supposed to be difficult and they're not supposed to be easy. So yeah, just the word puzzle probably would have done.

It was a puzzle. It was a difficult puzzle. It was an easy puzzle.

Puddle. He liked puddles as well. Loved jumping into the water.

We didn't like jumping into the water, but he wanted to be part of society. He wanted to fit in. Personally, he liked to keep his feet nice and dry.

And if he had his own way, he'd still be carried around, even at whatever age he might be now. Bobby, very lazy, always been lazy. So he wanted to be, he felt that he should have been born into royalty.

When I say royalty, I mean real royalty, not, you know, like a real prince, or whatever that might mean. Not someone that's like a prince of a field with a few little huts, just someone that's got a palace and stuff like that. And just being catered on all the time, not having to do anything for himself.

And it's just a shame he thought, you know, I remember when he was sitting on the beach one day, he was thinking to himself, he was writing down in his diary his thoughts and ponderings. And he thought, isn't it a shame that I've got to go through my whole life, waiting till old age, I can have things done for me. You know, since the age of being a baby, I pretty much had to start doing things for myself.

Being a baby was great, sometimes. It depends on whether or not the person that's looking after you can tell the difference between the different cries that you make. One cry being, I want more food.

One cry being, can you sit me up because I want to watch television. Another cry being, can you get rid of that man from this house because he's annoying me. Another cry being, can you please go and have a wash, you stink worse than me.

Another cry being, my nappy's full, empty it now. Another cry being, my nappy's full but I'm okay with it. Lots of different cries meaning different things.

Another cry being, I wish Andre would stop making noises and running around when I'm making a recording. But of course, we don't always get our wishes, do we? Don't always get our own way. No, no, not always.

So Bobby was walking down the beach. I don't know where he's gone. Andre's walking down the beach and he came across a whale.

There was a whale on the beach and it had been, I guess it was sunbathing. That's what he thought, sunbathing. He said, hello, Mr. Whale.

The whale said, hello. He said, Bobby, my name's Bobby. The whale said, how would I know that? You say it like I should know your name.

Why would I know your name? I've just been stranded, washed up on this beach. I don't even belong to this country. I've come from Australia and now you're giving me rubbish because I don't know what your name is.

How would I know what your name is? Bobby said, look, calm down, man. What's with, what's your beef? What's going on? Why are you giving me the evils? Why are you being like this? And the whale said, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just, it's been an awful day.

I said, Bobby said, what? Why, what's happened? He said, I got stranded on a beach. That's what happened. He said, you're getting angry again.

He said, yeah, I know. I can't help it. And that's partly why I ended up on my own.

Because I was with all these people and, well, other whales. And they kept saying that I was a moaner, even personally, I don't really agree with them. Because I think there's a difference between moaning and having a social commentary.

But commenting socially on what's happening, it's different, isn't it? It's a different thing. And Bobby said, I've got no idea what you're talking about. I mean, I thought he was a whale.

Aren't you supposed to go? The whale said, what, what, what was that? Well, whale sound. Whale songs. Whale songs? Let me tell you something, mate.

We whales do not sing. We communicate. We don't sing.

Do you sing to each other to communicate, you humans? Bobby said, sometimes. When? I don't know. I don't have the answer to that.

Well, why don't you have the answer? Because I'm not reading off a script and I don't know what I'm going to say next. I don't have the answer for every single thing that you ask. Yeah, but technically, you're asking yourself.

So why don't you have the answer before you ask the question? Well, the fact is, I didn't know I was going to ask the question. Well, how about asking a question you know what the answer is to? It. Well, yeah, that do make sense.

However, diddly diddly doo, I can't always plan what words are going to, um, squirt out of my, out of my tongue. Squirt out of your tongue? That doesn't even make sense. Yeah, I know.

I know, but it doesn't, does it? Squirt out of your tongue? No, that is, that is a bit strange. Yeah, that is a bit strange. Squirting out your, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, so he's talking to the whale while I was saying so. What are you up to then, Bobby? Bobby said, why don't you know my name? He said, really? Yeah, I didn't, didn't tell you my name. He did at the beginning of this conversation, this long, drawn out, boring, pointless conversation that is not helping me get off the beach.

Bobby said, you want to get off the beach? Well, if you don't want to get off the beach, why'd you get on the beach? The whale looked at him. Well, he would have looked at him, but he couldn't, but he, you know, he would have. He turned his eyes in Bobby's general direction and he said, you don't half wind me up.

What do you mean wind you up? I'm just asking you a question. You're asking me a question? Yeah, no, I'm asking you a question. The whale said, I know, that's what you said.

You're arcing me a question. No, I'm asking you a question. Yeah, arcing him, arcing me.

And he said, I don't know what's going on here, do you? I said, no, I'm just trying out different ways of speaking. He said, why? Why do you have to try it out on me? I'm stranded on the, um, here, on the beach. And Bobby said, no, it's my turn to speak.

I'm the one that says that. Yeah, but you're not stranded, are you? He said, no, but I'm the one, it was my turn to speak, because it doesn't make sense. You saying, or me saying, no, actually it's your turn to speak, not mine.

Oh, I'm confused now. But it is confusing, isn't it? Trying to do two characters in a story that hasn't been created yet. A story that has no content.

And there's two people talking, both got the same voice. How's that supposed to work? The whale said, I know, it's ridiculous. Why does he even do this? This is just pointless.

Bobby said, I know. And he's trying to make out it's Bobby. He's actually talking about himself, but he's just giving me a different name.

The whale said, oh, you've let the cat out of the bag there. He said, I haven't got a cat. I've got a cat flap though.

Why have you got a cat flap if you haven't got a cat? Listen, whaley, maley, mate, I don't know why there's no cat. I don't know why there's a cat flap. All I know is I've been moved here by the social services to come and live with my biological father and his new wife.

All right, mate, just calm down. I'm just, just making conversation. Why? Why what? Why are you making conversation? What else am I supposed to do? You could try singing a song.

Whales don't sing songs. I think you'll find they do. Whales don't sing songs.

You do realise, Bobby, just repeating the same sentence doesn't change the facts. Bobby said, no, Bobby said, I forget, I forgot whose turn it is to talk. And the whale said, it doesn't really matter.

No one's listening. I mean, who's going to follow this? I mean, not follow it as in be next, but who's going to follow it? It's just, if the person speaking can't, can't follow what they're saying, how's anyone else supposed to follow it? Yeah, but what's the point in that though? I mean, what, why would you spend an hour talking and telling a story that had no point, with no storyline, with no characters that really exist, one based upon his own childhood, which had nothing to do with the story anyway. The cat flap didn't exist.

He wasn't, you know, he's, oh, but the whale did, didn't it? The whale existed. Ah, said the whale. Now that starts to make sense a bit.

So if you're telling me, said the whale, if you're telling me that Bobby is actually the person who's speaking, that's like him as a child, but with a different name, you, Bobby, and I'm the whale, and there was actually a whale. So this isn't really a made up story, apart from the bits that are made up. Ah, said Bobby.

Do you want some ice cream? And the whale said, not really. What I would prefer is getting back into the sea. You know, whales aren't famous for eating ice cream.

Perhaps watch a documentary once in a while. You know what, mate, that was a bit sarcastic. I was just being generous, Bobby said.

All right, sorry, sorry, Bobby. I just, you just wind me up, really get on my nerves. I know we've only just met, but honestly, if I had a rolling pin, I would chuck it at you.

What? That's a bit violent. Well, not necessarily a rolling pin, but just anything. Well, if I had an arm, what are you trying to say? Bobby said, hoping that no one else realized that the person speaking was just spluttered for no reason.

What I'm saying, the whale said, is if I had arms. You mean arms like in the Buddhist day, where they'd go round to a bowl, collecting arms, which was basically food for their, um, to eat, you know, because that was the, the, the Buddhist monks used to do that. He said, no, I don't mean arms in that, that way.

What do you mean, like weapons in war, that kind of arms? He said, no, I don't mean that either. Why would, why would, if I had arms, I'd just shoot you, wouldn't I? And that's really violent, that's really violent. Well, actually, I'd just shoot you with bow and arrow, probably.

Hit you with my Tommy Hawk. Tommy Hawk? Is that such a thing? Look, I offered you an ice cream, didn't I? Yeah. Well, I think it's a bit rude of you, when someone offers you an ice cream, to start talking about wanting to chuck stuff at them.

Why? Well, well, let me think. And Bobby got distracted by a seagull that only had one leg. And although the seagull only had one leg, he was hopping up and down on top of the whale.

And Bobby started laughing. Now, the whale started to get a little bit self-conscious. He, he started looking in the mirror, thinking that maybe he had a bogey or, you know, a bit of spinach in his teeth.

And Bobby said, no, it's okay. It's just, there's a seagull dancing on top of your head. And the whale said, a seagull, that bloody seagull.

I thought getting, ripping its leg off would be enough to get rid of it. He said, that's rude. Well, I didn't actually, his, one of his legs got stuck in the breathing hole.

And that's what happened. It wasn't my fault. I didn't mean it.

You know, look, we've had a relationship for quite a while, me and Herbert. And we, we like to do kinky things. And that's all it is.

I don't want to go into it because you're just, you know, yeah, I'm seven. Patrick shouldn't go into it. Okay.

Fair enough. I forgot for a minute. Yeah.

But we're, we're, we're in a relationship with, when adults are in a relationship, they sometimes do disgusting stuff. Oh, you mean like chuck mud at each other? Yes, Bobby. That's exactly what I mean.

Oh, you mean like setting fire to his shed? Well, that's not really disgusting, is it? Depends who's in the shed. That is disgusting. You're a seven year old.

Why are you coming out with stuff like that? Bobby said, I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've had a very, um, I've had quite a, a busy life, you know, seeing a lot of stuff and I'm not really the average seven year old.

So what age would you give yourself then if you were, if you were going to? Uh, probably about eight. I'll see you like a wise eight year old then, the way I said. Bobby looked at him.

He walked around, looked directly at his face. He said, listen, mate, you're trying to push my buttons. You're trying to wind me up.

You want some? Do you want some, son? Do you? Eh? I'll give it ya. I'll give it ya. You want some? And the wife said, no, no, no, I'm not being rude or anything.

I was just, just saying. He said, look, mate, if you wasn't stranded and if you weren't a thousand times bigger than me, I would knock you out. And the well said, you don't sound like a normal seven year old.

And Bobby said, ah, see? And the well said that that doesn't really mean anything. Just saying, ah, see? What, what, what does that mean? Well, it's kind of implied, isn't it? It's an implied message. What do you mean implied? Asked the well.

And Bobby said, well, for some reason, Bobby knelt down on one knee. He'd do that sometimes. He'd, uh, he was quite an embarrassment for the family.

So, but anyway, he'd, he's, he's just got down on one knee for some reason and caused him lots of problems in future relationships as an adult. Lots of miscommunication there. And, uh, he said, I'd like to read you a poem.

And the well said, well, it's really nice of you, but you don't have to. And Bobby said, no, I'd really like to. And the well said, no, honestly, it's fine.

You don't have to do that. And the well, and Bobby said, no, but I, I feel I need to. And the well said, please don't.

And Bobby said, I think I, I think I should. And the well said, okay, I'll put it a different way. If you do start to read a poem to me, I'm going to roll over onto you.

And Bobby said, when, when you see Goldby jealous, and he said, that's just wrong. What I mean is I'm going to squash you so that you can't ever read another poem to anyone ever again. And Bobby said, this is getting a bit dark.

This is, this is supposed to be a nice, happy story. And the well said, okay, let's backtrack. You start off the story talking about moving away from a children's home to go and live with some new parents with your brothers at the age of seven, with a father you've never met before until the age of seven.

And you go, you sneak out of a cat flap that was purposely put there in order for you to be able to sneak out and run away. Yeah. And then you come to the beach and start talking to a whale that's stranded on the beach, a beached whale, basically.

That's what we call us. There's even a term for it. What part of this story is nice? Well, I did offer you an ice cream.

Yeah, you did. And you also offered me a poem. And I declined that as well, for good reason.

Well, go on then. Well, I didn't want to hear it. I don't eat ice cream.

I'm a whale. Plankton on a stick. If you can get some of that, I'll have that all day long.

What is it with plankton? What is it with you and plankton? That's what I eat, isn't it? Yeah, but there is other stuff to eat, you know. Well, I like plankton. Well, I like toffee pudding and ice cream, but I don't have it with every meal.

But I like plankton. Yeah. Listen, mate, just saying yeah and talking about your own life experiences, that's got nothing to do with my life.

And it's not going to affect what I do. Why? Why? What's wrong with just being accepting about other people's differences? Wouldn't that be, you know, perhaps a way forward? Bobby said, I'm seven. I don't have to accept anyone's differences or be understanding or any of those things, not for a long time.

Why is that then? It was just not expected. I mean, as it is, we're in the seventies. So you pretty much say whatever you want to whoever you want about whatever you want and not get in trouble.

Well, perhaps with the person, but not societally. And I said, what do you mean? He said, well, the sitcoms, if there are now a dodgy, they've got a dodgy language, dodgy politics, dodgy everything, stuff that you can never see in 30 years time. Oh, but how do you know what's going to happen in 30 years time? Because it's a made up story by someone that's 49.

Oh yeah. I forgot. No, you didn't forget.

How can you forget when you're the one talking? What do you mean? He said, well, well, you'll talk, I'm talking as Bobby. Yeah. Said the well, and you just spoke as the well.

Yeah. But it's still me. Now, where I said, look, are you going through some kind of existential crisis or something? I mean, it's, this is just complicated.

And Bobby said, yeah, it is complicated, but it's okay. Because some things are complicated. Some things aren't.

Most things that are, those that aren't complicated are much easier to not be complicated by. And either the well or Bobby, I'm not sure, said, he said, I'm not quite following you. And Bobby said, should we just have a sing song? The well started getting so angry.

I do not sing. Bobby said, yeah, but the way you said that, it sounded quite sing-y. It's like, I do not sing, neither do I, I, I, I, I. What on earth are you talking about? I don't know.

There's, there's just so much going on at the moment. Move somewhere new. You know, said Bobby, move somewhere new.

I kind of don't really know my way around. Don't know how long this is going to last. And, you know, almost, I feel stranded a bit.

I mean, it's all right for you, Mr. Well, you don't know what it feels like to be stranded. The well said, excuse me? Are you having a laugh? Are you having a giraffe? And Bobby said, a giraffe? What do you mean? It rhymes with laugh. Yeah.

But you wouldn't use both though, would you? Uh, well, you wouldn't use laugh and giraffe. You'd use one or the other, wouldn't you? I suppose. Does it matter? No, but it's, if you're going to use a, like a rhyme in slang word, you know, it's like, I like the look of her boat race face.

You wouldn't, you wouldn't add face at the end of it. It's a face or boat race or, um, I better get on the dog and bone phone. So get on the phone.

I've got to get on the dog. Well, people say the dog now, don't they? Don't even say dog and bone. So phone doesn't rhyme with dog.

Hog, bog, log, tog, cog, dog, fog, gog, hog, jog, log, mog, pog, quag, rog, sog, tog, fog, thwog. What are you doing? What? Why did you just do that? We're just going through the alphabet, trying to find words that rhyme with dog throughout the alphabet with the og bit, but then going through the alphabet, you know, trying to find words. Yeah, but why? What do you mean? Well, you would, that just, that took about a minute.

You just, you just started doing that randomly for no reason. No explanation, no introduction. Just, I mean, would you do that in real life? Bobby said, no.

The whale said, why? Bobby said, because I don't exist. This is just a story. And the whale said, ha ha.

Bobby said, oh, thank you. I'm glad I made you laugh. The whale said that was, that was sarcasm.

Bobby said, I don't really understand what that is. Sorry. You don't understand sarcasm? No.

Okay, let me give you some examples. Uh, first of all, no, wait, wait a minute. Listen, I don't really care.

Said Bobby in exactly the same voice as the whale speaks. It's a bit late really to, uh, to change the voices, isn't it? Said the whale. Yeah, I think so.

I think that should have been done at the beginning. Can't just start like, just a different voice. It would just get confusing.

Yeah. Unlike the, uh, the sense that it all makes so far. That's an example of sarcasm.

Oh, so you mean saying something that isn't true. So basically a lie. So a lie is sarcasm.

So if I tell you that right now, Mr. Whale, that the seagull on top of you has not got his one good leg inside your breathing hole, that would be sarcasm because it's a lie. You what? Get out of there. And Herbert, the, uh, seagull, he said, no, I'm not.

I want to finish what I started. Bobby said, what, what is he doing? And the whale said, just, just, just forget about it. It's one of those, um, just one of those things, you know, one of what things? Well, it's a bit of a strange thing.

Basically when two people are in love. Yeah. They sometimes, um, want to please their partner.

And Bobby said, yeah, I'm like that with the dog. And, uh, the whale said, probably not. That's probably not what we mean.

And he said, uh, Bobby said, Oh yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I'm like that with the dog. I'm always trying to stick stuff down his throat.

But that's what I just sticks and stuff like that. Just to, that's just, that's cruel. No, not cruelly.

I chucked the stick first and then he, he pings it back. So you don't actually put in a stick down his, in his mouth. No, he puts the, I chucked the stick.

He runs it and he brings it back in his mouth. Well, it's not the same at all, is it? What would you expect? I'm seven. I don't understand the intricacies of verbalizing stuff.

You know, I don't know what the word is because I'm seven. Yeah. You do mention your age a bit too much.

I mean, what are you going to be like when you get to 70 or 80 or 90? I mean, all you'll be saying is I'm 90, you know, I'm 90, you know, I'm 90, you know, I'm 90, you know, I'm 90. That's all you're going to be saying. I mean, 90 year olds do it all the time anyway.

But if you're doing it at seven, you're just going to be like, I'm 90, 90, 90, 90, 90, 90, 90, 90, 90, 90, 90, 90, 90. That's going to be your answer for every single thing. And Bobby said, why are you talking so quickly? The whole idea of this is to talk quiet and gentle and slowly, and to make it slower as the recording carries on.

And the way I said, listen, I don't play by your rules. I am the king of the ocean. Bobby said, no, Aquaman is the king of the ocean.

And also the man from Atlantis, who is also Aquaman, kind of. What's the difference? Asked the whale knowingly, he kind of knew the answer before he even asked it. He winked for some reason.

But Bobby couldn't see it because he wasn't looking. He was looking at the ocean with one hand raised up as almost like he was trying to part the waters like it's seen in the Ten Commandments movie that was on a few weeks back on telly. And he said, well, the man from Atlantis, he used to live in Atlantis, but now he lives in a swimming pool.

And it's got furniture and everything. And he can live outside of the water only for short periods of time. And he lives in a big swimming pool.

That's where he lives. And he solves crimes and stuff like that. Okay.

And Aquaman, Aquaman is the king of the sea. He can control the fish. He can control the fish.

He can make fish do things. And he can control the fish. We can't control me, said the whale.

Well, Bobby said, if he can control the fish, he can control you, can't he? Because you're a fish. You what? And he pulled, he, an arm that didn't exist suddenly appeared and pulled Bobby close to the whale's face and said, don't you ever call me a fish. Well, isn't that what you are? I ain't no fish.

I'm a whale. Yeah, but you're a fish. How'd you work that out? Bobby said, well, you live in the ocean, don't you? Well, usually apart from when you're sunbathing today, but I'm not sunbathing.

I'm stranded. Yeah. You know what I mean? No, I don't.

I don't know what you mean. I don't know at all. What do you mean? I'm a, I'm a fish because I live in the ocean.

Well, you live in the ocean. Therefore you're a fish. If you lived on land, you wouldn't be a fish, but you live in the ocean.

Therefore you're a fish. Oh, but I can't breathe underwater. Okay.

How long can you stand, how long can you spend underwater? Oh, absolutely ages. In that case, you're a fish. I'm not, I'm a whale.

You, my friend, are a fish. You know how I can tell? It's because you smell like a fish. There's no reason to be personal.

Well, it's not personal. It's just a factuality. You smell like a fish.

I smell like a human. Yeah, but it's still a bit rude. You know, I don't think we have to bring in smells into it.

I mean, I can't actually smell anything at the moment. It's almost like my, my air holes blocked up. Well, it feels nice.

What? No, nothing, nothing. Carry on, Herbert. We're nearly there.

So Bobby said, Lester, I've got to go now because I can't think of anything else to say. And the whale said, oh, please don't go. I'm really going to miss you.

Bobby said, really? And the whale said, that was sarcasm. Another example of sarcasm. Of course, I'm not going to miss you.

Well, why not? Well, I think the question really should be why? Why would I? But why wouldn't you? Because you're just annoying. You're being annoying. I'm not annoying.

I've kept you company for the last hour, nearly. Yeah. But what have we, let's be honest, what have we got out of this encounter? What are you taking away from it? And what am I taking away from it? Bobby said, well, I've got a poem.

Okay, don't start about the poem again, because that, I can't take it. And Bobby said, you know what? What? What? Said the whale. I just realised something.

What's that? You're a whale. Yeah. And whales can't talk.

Yeah. So I think I'm going to go home. Bobby just turned around and walked away.

And the whale just seemed very puzzled. This whole interaction. And what possible point was there to any of it? It's like trying to, I don't know, it's like trying to teach a ferret the alphabet.

It's just, or how to behave. Behave. Or how to be a good boy.

Or how to be generous. There's no generosity in him. Take, take, take, take, take, all the time.

Take, take, take, take, take. And Herbert, who was standing on top of the whale, he said, he said, James, which was the whale's name. He said, yeah.

Why didn't you tell him what your name was? Who? Bobby. I don't know, really. Didn't come up? Yeah, but you told me as soon as we met.

Yeah, I know, but you know, it's a different relationship, isn't it? Oh, okay. I just found it weird that he told you his name, but you didn't tell him yours. You keeping it secret? Are you embarrassed? No, I'm not embarrassed.

Well, tell me what your name is then. Say it out loud. No.

The whale said, no, I'm not going to. And Herbert said, why not? And the whale said, because I can't remember what name you just said to me. And the seagull said, but I only just said it.

And the whale said, I know, but I didn't think that we were going to actually sort of keep using the same name. I've completely forgot. That's part of the reason why I didn't give myself a name at the beginning of the story, because just remembering Bobby, the whale and the seagull called Herbert, that was enough information.

Oh, said the seagull. Do you think this story is going to make it into a book? If it could turn us into a book? And the whale said, no. And the seagull said, why not? He said, because it's awful.

It was an awful story. It had no content. It had no purpose.

There was absolutely, it was pointless. Yeah, but that is the point, isn't it? The point is to have a pointless story. I know, but it's a weird, it's a weird mind thing.

It's what we were set out to do. Yeah, I suppose, I suppose. Should we go back? Can we go back home, should we? And the whale said, yeah, all right then.

And he just rolled over, got up on his legs and walked back into the ocean and swam away. And as they swam away, they both looked back at the beach and waved goodbye. Bye-bye Bobby.

Bye-bye Bobby. Bye-bye beach. Bye-bye.

This will go bye-byes. A nice sleep. That brings us to the end of this most pointless story.

Remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy. Lots of love. Bye.