#285 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (24th December 2019)

Hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes A happy Christmas Eve if this is a particular festival that you celebrate If it isn't, happy 24th of December Have a great day, whatever So, oh, I've got an itchy ear Oh, so tired earlier I didn't get much, I didn't, um It wasn't so much I didn't get much sleep, I just Woke up early yesterday And decided to go out and do some stuff I needed to get some shopping and stuff

like that For Christmas, well not for Christmas, just To cover the air, to cover the period when the shops are closed Which is Two days You know, it's not really anything is it It's, what is it today, it's Tuesday Does that mean Christmas is tomorrow?

Wow How ridiculous It's gone so quick So tomorrow, Wednesday, is Christmas Day And then Thursday, the day after, is Boxing Day And then that's it Until I suppose next Tuesday will be New Year's Eve And then New Year's Day on Wednesday And then Thursday will be back to normal A second, yeah, second of January A new, a new decade Is it a new decade or a new century, I don't know New decade New decade Two thousand and twenty So that would be I was going to say that would be interesting but I don't know if If it is, is it?

I suppose it would be interesting to see what this Decade Involved But As far as decades go, I've not really ever took much notice of new decades Apart from the turn of the century You know, 1999 to 2000 That's the only, because that was A big deal, you know, everyone was Not everyone but The press were talking about it and, you know, the I actually I remember I sat in And watched I saw the New Year in with my cousin's boyfriend I've got no idea where my cousin was, she must have been out But we

were just in watching telly Watching the fireworks, you know Waiting for the planes to fall out of the sky and You know, everything to cut off because we were supposed to have that Millennium bug thing that was supposed to kick in Nothing happened, it was just stuff And I remember like, you know, a minute into the New Year The new decade, the new century I didn't really feel that much different How weird Wow So yeah, it was That's the only decade The changing decade that I've really took notice of When we moved into 2011 Didn't

even really notice it 2011?

2010? Yeah, it was 2010, that would be a new decade Won it then Well, yeah And now 2020 Which will be in a week's time This is kind of, hmm Does it actually have any meaning? I don't know It's like anything I suppose, isn't it?

The only meaning really anything has is the meaning we give to it So I've always been I say always, I haven't always anything but I've always kind of preferred New Year's Day or, you know, the new year To any other Forced celebration That occurs in my society I just prefer it, I prefer Something about a new start kind of thing, you know A new year, a new start Possible Possible Making changes But I don't recall I don't even remember last year Like the New Year's Eve I think I was watching I remember New Year's Day

because I had some Random knocking on my door asking to borrow money Which was a bit weird, this is not the start of my new year that I wanted But New Year's Eve, I don't remember I think it was just standard watching telly, watching the fireworks On the, is it Big Ben or wherever The fireworks were And, see when I was younger The amount of times I've started with that sentence When I was younger When I was just a young man I, from the ages of I'll say the year, this chair really is squeaking I'm

trying not to move around but the chair just Seems to be squeaking on its own But I've got no There's no choice for it, there's nothing else I can do I don't want to stand up and do the recording Again So New Year's Eve, 1991 Which would be, New Year's Day would be 1992 So that, so 1991 New Year's Eve I think I was at the comedy club And I think I was there Every year up to 1995 I wasn't I was at Girlfriend's, with a girlfriend 1996 1996 I was very likely working But I

can't, no I don't remember Don't remember, 1996 No, but 97 I was at the comedy club 98, 99, 2000 2001 Probably most of 2000 as well, 2002 2003 Maybe not 2000 and Not 2006 because I was with a girlfriend Possibly not 2005, no 2005 New Year's Eve I was with a girlfriend because I saw the New Year in with her In her, and I mean I was 2006 I had New Year's Eve With a different girlfriend 2007 I probably went to the comedy club again in London Went a few more times because I used to

Sometimes I'd stay with my friend, other times I'd Get a hotel I think sometimes I'd go and just come back the same day You know, get the train back Although I don't know if that There are trains New Year's Day because People have to get about, don't they?

So I'm pretty sure there would have been a train coming back So most of my New Year's Eves Throughout my adult life Up to the last Probably apart from the last 7 or 8 years Was celebrated in a comedy club And it might sound a bit boring But it wasn't just comedy This was a nightclub And a great atmosphere The comedy would be on But it wouldn't be like an ordinary night It would be New Year's Eve It was a more, very more celebratory And after the comedy there'd be a disco And back in them

days Especially during the 90s Or 2000s as well The comedians from all over London Not all of them but a lot would actually end up At the comedy club Because it would be open later than the others Because it was a nightclub So they'd end up coming back at I don't know, 12 o'clock or 1 o'clock Going to the club, hanging out There was a comics room upstairs And in the early days it was a big, big room There was a pool table Big TV Settees, you know Sofas and stuff like that Dance board Yeah,

it was a really good hangout area Where people did hang out at the bar downstairs as well And sit downstairs And then after hours When the club closed at 2 They'd sort of still stick around for the rest of the night sometimes Either downstairs or upstairs So yeah, it used to be, it was nice But New Year's Eve was quite special The only thing I never really was into on New Year's Eve Was the, you know, the bit where everyone kind of Ding, ding 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Happy New Year!

And maybe sing Auld Lang Syne Old Man, Auld Lang And no one knows more than like 2 sentences of that song So I used to just hide during that bit Yeah Sometimes I'd go upstairs And sit in my squeaky chair upstairs I always had a squeaky chair carrying around with me And I'd wait until all the party poppers had been let off And everyone had been hugging each other and stuff And then the music started And people were dancing again So I'd come downstairs Safe from human contact Ah Nah, it's a I used to quite

like it, it was my It was almost like it was my safe space, you know Go in there, I knew people I knew You know, I got to know the staff The person that owned the place You know, I got to know the comedians Not all of them, but quite a few Even if it was just to say hello Not just to say hello, but just, just to say hello And I'd say, you alright?

And they'd say, yeah How you doing?

Yeah So yeah, I had some good conversations It was good And Got to know a few people that were already famous Like, not, not like best friends with them But I got to know them a little bit Like Joe Brand I actually annoyed her And I don't know what I did, but it was in 1991 And she used to hang out at the bar And I used to just talk to her Because I knew that she was, she was already Been on TV and done stand-up comedy In the late 80s, you know So she was

already pretty much a star And You know, I upset her once and she had a go at me, told me off And she didn't talk to me after that Oh brilliant, I can, I can annoy, I can annoy famous people now as well My super power has no, no limits And Who else did I get to know?

I know, I can't think of any if I I used to like Be chatty with Harry Hill In the early 90s But that was before he was famous And I used to say hi to Lee Evans But again, that was just Kind of a hello How are you, sort of To be fair, I think he did it with everyone He's just, he's just a really friendly person And again, that was before he was famous as well Another person, Jack Dee Who was already kind of on the He was already kind of famous When I first

met him, I did a gig on the same night as him And Because even, even comedians that are on TV They still go to clubs to try out new material or Just extra money or whatever You know, still, still perform, a lot of them And I walked up to To Jack Dee, I was so excited And I said to him I said, hello, I'm Jason, I'm, you know I love you And he said, get away from me And it was nice to be around someone who was shorter than me I don't meet many men that

are actually Shorter And he is He's about Five, five one Four, four six, something like that He's, he's He's quite I think probably up to my nipples Yeah, he is He is, he's like nipple level No he's not He's, he is shorter than me but probably It might be like fractions but I don't, well everything's fractions isn't it If you work it like that way but He's Yeah, he really wasn't friendly He's, he's like a little, he was like a little Pitbull terrier, kind of a bit Little but vicious, you know So, he wasn't horrible

to me but I said, would you like a drink?

He said, no Not no, or no thank you probably but And I was like, oh You know, he said don't meet your heroes but He wasn't my hero, he just He was someone that I admired And he was One of the biggest names On the comedy circuit Who was obviously going to go on to be Famous and, you know Big name But he And he had already been on TV but I don't think he had his own TV show At that point But he'd been on TV doing stand-up So that's one I used to be

I almost stalked Mark Thomas, he's a comedian And Brilliant comedian, he's I don't know if he still does stand-up Because he's written books and Done TV shows and stuff like that Was it the Mark Thomas Project or something That he did And But he actually gave me his telephone number And I When I saw that he was on A club that I couldn't just get in Because most comedy clubs I could just get in and they knew me And But there were some that I couldn't Like Jonglers, didn't know who I was And That comedy

store didn't really know who I was But most of the comedy clubs in London were just little clubs There were some bigger Nights but they weren't Purposely, I think the term is purposely built comedy club Where that's all that happens there is comedy There's Jonglers, comedy store There was the comedy cafe There might be a couple of others There was the backyard comedy club Which was Lee Hurst's club I don't know if it's still there That was in East London And I didn't All the other clubs mainly were just rooms in pubs But when I

say rooms in pubs sometimes They were huge rooms Holding hundreds and hundreds of people You know for a room in a pub You'd think it'd be quite small Maybe hold maybe 30, 40 And I've been in rooms like that That held maybe 20 or 30 But there was other places like Banana Cabaret Which had It was a big room And they'd have like top All the clubs would have top acts to be fair But it would be a well paid gig I think And it was A big room Then there was the Meccano Club Which

was a big room It wasn't like massive But it was hugely respected I think that was in Ah, not Ilford It was in a trendy area Of London at the time Islington maybe And the Meccano Club It was run by this I forget her name It was a lady And she used to let me do gigs there And so she was nice Didn't pay me But Just like a lot of other people She got to know me She knew me So I could turn up on a Friday night Or Saturday night Whenever the gig was

on And just go and watch the show And I wouldn't get charged Which was lovely It gave me Throughout the 90s From 91 to Pretty much to 2001 I could go to most comedy clubs And get in for free And just watch the show Because either I knew the people that owned the club Who run it Or I'd know the comedians that were performing Or all I just had to say is I'm a comic And they'd just let me in And most people had heard of me Because I had a bad reputation For being awful

Unfortunately And also I was in the paper There was a newspaper article about me In the Independent About how Some of the things I was saying Was just terrible I was quite a harsh comedian At times I don't know if you want to say adult Entertainment or whatever But Yeah So I was known, not necessarily for the right reasons But I think some of the comedy club owners Were really nice in a sense They'd just be very blatant And they'd say Jason You're welcome to come here anytime To come and watch the show Or even

to perform But you're never ever ever Going to get paid We're never We're never ever going to pay you It's like okay Fair enough At least they're honest It's a little bit limiting So With Mark Thomas I used to I went and saw him At the comedy store and he put me on the door list On their Visitors list so I could get in for free Because comedy stores are expensive And Although I suppose every comedian Loves the comedy store In a sense It's the It was the place to be It was Pretty much the

most famous comedy club In the country Possibly in the world You know the comedy store There's a comedy store in America as well isn't there And But there might be More famous ones in America I don't know But in England The comedy store Is The longest running Comedy club It's been going since the late 70s And they had moved address A couple of times And it was above It was actually below I think like a strip club Or something Or a sex shop Or something like that So it's you know It's in a kind of

I don't want to use the word Seedy part of London Because I used to frequent it but yeah I suppose it is quite seedy But at the same time Really popular Because I don't think it was in the same place When I moved to London in 91 It moved It was actually in Leicester Square Which If you've never been to Leicester Square I don't know what it's like now As I've been out of I've been out of the London loop since 2001 I've visited Still visited for You know quite a few years But I really

really rarely go to London These days And As far as going to Leicester Square On a Friday or Saturday Early morning You know sort of 2 o'clock in the morning On a Saturday or Sunday morning I haven't done that since I was In my 20s But I used to do it Regularly Because it was brilliant I mean it's weird to be walking Around You know Like I say 1 o'clock in the morning And It could be 5 o'clock in the afternoon For the amount of people that are there And the activity And Not even I

don't even recall ever seeing much In the way of drunken activity or You know commotion or anything People just seem to be Just having fun you know A lot of tourists there Taking photographs And That was before selfies existed That's before Blimey that's before Mobile phones even existed Really like normal Definitely before smartphones I got my first Mobile phone That's a cell phone for those of you That call them cell phones In I think it was The winter 1997 But I did have a girlfriend Who had a mobile phone In 96 While I was with

her And she was a student So she got this phone and it was It seemed to do the trick Seemed to sort of work But they were just for phoning And I guess You could text on them But there was no The internet didn't Really exist at that point Not in a kind of the way that we know it Mind you It didn't exist the way that we know it Until recently Because it's always getting updated isn't it This is even more boring Than I expected it to be Did Will it snow on Christmas day?

That's the question Never ever During my Remembrance In my memory During my life have I ever Woken up to snow It actually Snowing on Christmas day Never However I have woken up to snow on the ground Which you could say is Like Pretty much The same thing really No it's not You know something about the The actual Act of snowing Rather than There was snow You know Because when I first moved To this town To do When I did my Started my university course in 2007 I think it was September Or yeah probably about that

That Christmas Or that winter Very snowy Two very snowy winters In a row And It was still snowing I think Christmas eve Or the day before Christmas eve Something like that But Christmas day Didn't snow at all But it snowed so much That it was thick snow Outside And I don't know if I'd Appreciate snow if I had no choice You know if I lived somewhere Where There is you know Feet and feet of snow Not snow Feet made of snow but you know Huge amounts of snow All the time, everywhere The novelty might run

out But at Christmas I don't know, not even just Christmas But when it does snow I don't think we had any snow last year At all, but when it does snow It's just It's beautiful I just, I find it to be beautiful It's the most Even in London So I don't remember it I think it snowed Like really really snowed Proper snowed In 1991 The winter And I was in London the previous In 89 I'd spent the winter there Working And then I left and I came back In 91 In January But by the winter

The next winter I think it was, unless it was actually Just after I moved in I'm pretty sure it was like later in the year The snow was Really thick Like really proper snow And I lived in East London It's not the prettiest place in the world You know It's just It's just houses, cars and roads And pavements and people It's not You know, I suppose like anywhere I guess But When there's snow on the ground It almost feels like London was clean And the The roads were clean And the pavements were clean The cars

were clean I don't know, it just seemed Even the air seemed cleaner I mean besides there was very little In the way of traffic because Cars couldn't get through The amount of snow there was Yeah But I liked it a lot Because I don't know, where I lived London was just There wasn't anything wrong with it It's I suppose because I'd lived In a little town that was I wouldn't say pretty A pretty little town but it was A fairly Yeah A fairly decent little town As far as the The spacing went You know, the

pavements were fairly wide The roads were big enough There's Um Houses but they weren't like squashed Together There was a little bit of space And the space was used up But it was It seemed to work Plus It was near a beach So there was Fresh air, you know there was That sea air coming in All the time Which was fairly nice But a little bit chilly though It was chilly At times There was once When I was in the My last Job When I was Selling Car insurance online On the phone And I started

Working there I started working there In Eleven, twelve I think it was December 2012 I think And From I would say January, February, March, April Every month I was there up to April, including April There was snow I've never known it to snow So many months in a row I mean it would clear Then it would snow again the next month But it was a heck Of a lot of snow And I used to Say to customers On the phone Ooh I don't know if I said ooh But I said is it snowing where you

are And they'd Answer yes or no Depending upon whether it was Snowing where they were And The person Next to me that I was working with Gradually Got more and more wound up With hearing me Repeat that Sentence to people And I did it I said it to it Once I knew it was winding them up I did it more Because I was going to do it anyway It's a good thing It's a nice little ice breaker You know Talking about the weather And stuff like that And he's just like Will you stop talking about

the snow And I said Is it snowing where you are But then instead of just saying snowing I actually leaned into him So he could really hear me Is it snowing Cuddling, is it snowing where you are And so after the disciplinary And I kind of thought Maybe I'd stop doing it but I couldn't stop myself And Then it stops snowing So I did Or so everyone thought I started saying Is it sunny where you are Is it windy where you are It's very windy here So I'd I'd That snow though Every month I got

snowed the year before as well I remember I was living On a hill I was in this room That I'd rented, I was there for about a year And The beginning of 2012 I remember this Because I was dating someone from Romania And I don't think she'd ever Seen snow before And Which I don't know If that's true But anyway She loved snow, she got excited And she phoned me up and said I don't know what she said I never really understood what she was talking about She was Romanian I didn't know what she said

but She, we liked each other So that was the main thing And Turned out she only ever wanted Directions I thought she wanted to go out On a date So I kind of misunderstood But it worked out okay And She moved back to Amsterdam She had a job Or something to go to So I haven't seen her since So There was this one When I was in This room When I was at university There was this little girl She wasn't a girl, she was an adult She was absolutely tiny And she was from I don't

even know Sudan or somewhere like that But she was I think she was a Refugee, I think I didn't ask because I didn't care But She was Absolutely miniature And apart from Not all of her was but See if you look at it You can tell she was a woman But she was so short About Probably up to my Belly button or something And she really Couldn't have been more than about Five foot I'd say And She had her clothes left on the On the radiator And I'm not normally one to sort of Look at

other people's clothing and stuff But I had to I had, because of these little pair of jeans I had to look And they were the size Of a Ten year old That's what size Jeans she had I can't state Enough, she did not look like a child She just was The height and probably The weight of a child, mind you I think she probably weighed a lot heavier than she looked But she It's hard to tell isn't it From looking at someone how much they weigh She wouldn't have weighed much but And It's like, yeah

It's not, I've never seen anyone Like that before And with those kind of Proportions, just so tiny And I felt like a giant standing next to her Anyway, that's not really what the story Is about, the story is It was snowing We had a lot of snow And she was there And she went out And she'd never seen snow before Because she'd come from a country That didn't really have snow And She built a snowman And I was just watching through the window Thinking how cute How to be excited That's something That I suppose I'm

just used to, even though it doesn't snow Like Guaranteed it's going to snow every year It's snowed many Many times through my life So seeing snow isn't An unusual thing And She was seen so happily And you know In retrospect I Perhaps she could have gone out there And helped her with the snowman But I didn't want to go outside And get my feet wet Yeah, and it was weird Because she moved out And I sort of said What are you doing?

She said I'm moving out I saw that there was a loading and loading outside Or a move Removal van or whatever And I said Why?

She said well I've got no friends Got no friends here And I made no attempt really to be friends with her Just I was just busy doing my own thing And She gave me a big hug And she went Like oh See I think She was moving to London I think London would probably be the best place For her to meet people Because there's so many people In London That It's hard Not to meet people if you actually Do stuff You know and she was going to be going to college And stuff like that so

And You know I hope that It's been a long time Since I last saw her but I hope she's had a good time And she's You know she could be married With children now She could be What year was that?

2000 2000 and Probably 2010 2009 2010 So yeah it's like nearly 10 years And she was Probably about 22 At that point So now she's 32 Who knows where she is She might be She might have moved back To the Sudan Or Wherever it was she originated I never asked But what was strange Is she had this bloke That was I don't know if he was a Kind of carer Social worker Immigration officer I really don't know who he was But he Was one of the tallest people I've ever Seen in my life Well at

least 7 foot At least And standing next to her It just looked Like some kind of comic Character His shoes really Really short and he was really really tall So they were both Completely out of proportion With each other And the rest of humankind really Because there's very few women Her height I mean she might have even been Less than 5 foot And he was at least 7 if not higher Or taller You know he was really Huge But only Not Body wise just length You know not girth Just length And When he was in

her bedroom they were giggling And stuff so I don't know what they were up to I did think Doesn't sound very professional Doesn't sound like a professional Relationship to me And I did nearly ask her once Just to make sure she was okay But I remember there was something On telly I wanted to watch So Trying to think of other times Snow When I was really young there was snow And all the schools were closed And I was about 8 years old And it came up to about My waist back then So but you know

I was little so probably Maybe the snow Was about 3 foot Possibly yeah And Me and my brothers We made igloos in the garden In the back garden Made snowmen That's that once it's done it's done Isn't it And Then we I think Our dad took us Snowboarding or You know on a slide A plastic slide I didn't want to do it Just yeah didn't fancy It at all So I just watched Didn't actually do it I've been a big fan of Extreme sports Yeah If I wanted to live dangerously I'd Buy a kebab I

like to play things Nice and safe If at all possible Yes Phone And myself Feeling really tired I get like this sometimes When I'm making a recording My brain Just Switches off Yeah Yeah