#249 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (4th November 2019)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is I Like To Me Bore You To Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

I've got a creaky chair. Part of the reason I'm actually sitting in this chair is so it doesn't squeak. So the big black squeaky chair squeaks and this table chair creaks.

When I say table chair, it's a chair. It's not like a transformer. It turns into a table and a chair because I kind of need both at the same time, really.

So before I start this recording, I would just like to say thank you to Susan for your PayPal gift. Thank you very much. And for your ongoing support, I really appreciate it.

And thank you to the kind words that people have been sending, testimonials that have been written on my website. So it's really, really lovely. Thank you.

And I shall continue to do what I do. And for those that aren't aware, I do more than this. And I do have a podcast as well.

I've got a deep sleep whisper hypnosis podcast. I do a weekly sleep hypnosis podcast. And I've got a relaxation hypnosis for stress, anxiety and panic attacks podcast, as well as 30 odd others.

But they're the main ones. And yeah, and it's most of these podcasts are available, kind of all over the place. And various different podcast hosts like Spotify.

I'm trying to think of some others. Spreaker, which is the home of all my podcasts. There's kind of two homes.

There's Spreaker, which is where my podcasts are housed, as far as they provide the space where I keep them. And my website, jasonnewland.com has all of my recordings available to stream or download on my website. They're all organized.

And also, all of my previous videos from the past are also on my website as well, as well as being on my YouTube channel. What else? That's it really. It's an okay website, you know, it's got everything on there.

Or I've got a web page in the menu for latest. So the latest the latest 20 recordings are listed. So if you just want to kind of have a look at what I've done recently.

So today is today is the day. And it's Monday. Is it the fourth or fifth? Fifth of November.

November the 5th. Is it? Is it November the 5th? November the 5th? No, it's November the 4th. It's November the 4th today.

Otherwise, because November the 5th is the firework day or firework night. That's where we celebrate a terrorist act from a few hundred years ago. When what was his name? Guy Fawkes tried to blow up the House of Parliament, I think, with gunpowder.

So yeah, it's so every year is pretty much an English tradition rather than Halloween. You've got that in America, and I don't know what other countries do it. But it's Halloween is actually much bigger in America than it is in England.

I'm not sure why. I think my theory is this. Because we've got two annual events, which are very, very close to each other.

So you've got Halloween, it's the 31st of October, then November the 5th, which is what six days later, or five days later, being bonfire night. Two events which cost money, especially if you've got a family. So you're getting these costumes and buying sweets and decorations for Halloween.

And then there's fireworks to buy a few days later. So perhaps that's why we don't in England give so much energy to Halloween, because it's an expensive week. Although just up the road from where I live, there's going past on the bus.

There's a big sign saying, half price fireworks. And I just had to chuckle to me. I didn't have to chuckle to myself.

I just naturally chuckled. I wasn't kind of forcing myself. I must chuckle.

Because if there's something you don't want to like, you don't want to cut corners when it comes to something like fireworks. You want the thing to work. Properly.

Because, you know, they're basically little explosives. Because they've got gunpowder in them. So there you go.

So that'll be tomorrow. The thing is, I've had Andre living here for four years now. Four years? Yeah, four years.

In November. I think I got him in September. What did I get him? September, October, November.

Yeah, so I've had him over four years. So this would be the fourth bonfire night. Guy Fawkes night, whatever you want to call it.

Fireworks night. And he has never shown any interest. That's why I'm not going to start saying that he was like saying, Daddy, I'm going to get some fireworks.

I want to get some sparklers. I'm not going to go down that road. I'm not going to be quite that surreal.

But last night, there was these bangs. It was about early evening, probably about five, six o'clock. But they were really, really loud.

But not like a standard kind of fireworks where you hear like, that's my impression of a firework. But it's usually the kind of some other noises. This is just basically a bang.

So I'm not sure. I don't know. I don't know what was going on.

Apparently all the neighbors had fireworks, but it didn't sound like a firework. But it was, you know, it was sounding more like a like a gun or something going off. And it was just really loud, like big bang, pop, like, and then nothing.

And I thought, I'll put my bins out. But Andre, he jumped up. He didn't jump up and didn't like hit his head on the ceiling.

But he did kind of suddenly pay attention. What's that? What's that? What's that? And he did it twice. So, and he ran.

He ran into the kitchen, almost like he hid behind the cooker. But he's not scared of anything. So I don't quite understand what that was.

Might have made him jump or whatever. But I got him, got a hold of him in the end, shook him for a bit. No, I didn't.

I kind of cuddled him and said, it's okay, baby. It's okay, little baby. Everything's going to be fine.

It's going to be all right. And he was okay after that. But I've noticed lately, when we've been going out, he seems to be paying more attention to other people.

So if there's someone walking the other side of the road or a dog or something, he'll just stop still and just stare at them. And most of the time, he wouldn't do that. He'd just carry on rubbing himself in the grass and doing his own thing with absolutely zero interest in anything that's going on around him.

But lately, it's almost like he's become a bit more aware of his surroundings. I don't know why that is. I don't know, mate.

I think it's the shed. I blame it on the shed. It's good to blame, isn't it? I need to blame something.

Ever since he's had that shed, and I say he's had it because he uses it, he's in there all the time. There's no light in there yet, so I can't really get in there and about banging into stuff. And there's a chair and a little stool to put stuff on.

But it needs soundproofing before I can really use it. I sat in there a couple of times, but now Andre's in there all the time. That's his place.

He's taken his toys in there. He thinks it's his. He thinks I went out and spent £250 on a shed for him in the bedroom, taking up a third of the space of the room just for him to play in and sleep in.

What? So what's weird about it is if I had got a shed and decided to keep him in it and close the door, he wouldn't want to be in there because he doesn't like doing anything that he's told. I don't know what the right word is. There's quite a few words.

I was doing a recording yesterday, the anxiety podcast, and I was trying to say the word preposterous. I still can't say it. Preposterous.

Preposterous. Preposterous. Preposterous.

Preposterous. Preposterous. I can't say it.

Still couldn't say it then. Still can't say it. Preposterous.

Preposterous. I wonder if it's in this dictionary I've got. It's called the Dinkum Dictionary.

Preposterous. Let's have a look. P, P, P, P. P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P. Put the lid on it.

Pig. Pigsty. Any dirty, untidy living corners.

Called pig stalling. Oh, I can't find it.

Anyway, brings me to this book that I have here that was sent to me by Molly in Australia it's called the Dinkum Dictionary a Ripper Guide to Aussie English so I'm going to read a little bit out of it and what I thought would be interesting is I'm gonna read the body parts parts of the body now I'm just gonna read what's in here I'm not gonna I'm not responsible for any of the words that I've said it's just and these are the words so this is Australian lingo kind of yeah so here we go

so parts of the body one so hair fuzz hairdo mop I've never heard fuzz before so that's for hair mouth so these are the words some of the words for mouth and some of these I have read I've heard cake hole chops gob hole kisser laughing gear mush north and south puss never heard it called a puss before rattle trap again I don't remember ever hearing that smacker trap yap okay yeah I've heard some of those so face this is some of the words for face countenance never heard that used as a face dial features

kisser mush mug puss I've heard mug used none of that mush maybe but none of the others so waist middle spare tire so I've heard that navel belly button so this is for breasts this so this is parts of the body for women there's also parts of the body for men as well so this is it says breasts so boobs Bristol's Charlie's never heard Charlie's cleavage Doug's Doug's fun bags I can't believe I'm reading this out jugs knockers lungs memories Montezuma's Montezuma's never had that ever in my life nork's nubbies nuggies I really don't nuggers

pear rosebuds set tits titties which is called a national kind of those those ones I suppose but pubic hair again I'm not responsible this is what it says in the book okay it's just a just it's a it's a dictionary so and public hair brush bush fuzz pubes short and curly's watch springs never heard that before watch Springs well that's the first puden what on earth is a pudendum it says pudendum here I don't know what that means it's pointing to the same kind of area as the public hair so it says bearded clam beaver

black badger box cherry crack yeah I won't say that word date dot donut I can and I realize what they saw that fanny flange front bum fur burger gash go I don't know that's horrible and golden doughnut growler gutted a rabbit that's wrong that's wrong gutted rabbit hair pie pole honey pot Joe hunt manhole meet Michael Mick Mickey Mikey monkey muff nasty pussy Quinn slash slit slot snatch twat twat other legs I'm moving from there ginger megs ham and eggs pegs pins crops shanks and stumps shanks and stump this is the men now okay let's

get to the men teeth chompers choppers clackers fangs ivories Pearlie's pearly gates pegs and an ear so ear all Jermaine Greer ginger beer lug taxi door taxi door makes no sense William Stone here I think trying to find things that run with ear a taxi door so William Stone Williams Williamstown pier wingnut I used to get called wingnut when I was a kid elbow call that funny bow arm fin Warwick farm Warwick wing stomach bay window bingy bread basket this is the stomach bay window bingy bread basket bread bin gut guts penny pot puku tummy

tummy is the only one I recognize out of all those right now for the male parts that we discussed with the female parts right penis I can't believe I'm reading this up here we go beef bayonets Bishop blue vein jumper pumper blue vein jump no it's a blue vein junket pumper blue vein steak cock dick dickory dock ding dong donga doodle doofer dork dragon and this next one I'm not too happy about ferret never ever had anyone call their William Ferret before gland Hoffman brick horn jigger joystick curb knob length man's best friend meet member

mutton dagger nasty knob noodle old boy old fella one-eyed trouser snake organ pecker Percy Peter pink oboe pizzle pork sword prick privates prong pajama python rod Roger sausage schlong stork stiff tassel Terence random like names isn't it Terence Percy Peter Bobby thing tonk tool tussle vital organ walloper whistle wick wife's best friend Willie zoob zoobrick right here we go testicles agates don't know what that means balls bollocks cobblers cods crown jewels din sims family jewels giblets giblets gonads ghoulies canackers knackers Niagara Falls Niagara's nuts orchestra stalls pills pills all right this is the last part

of the body and then I will never ever never mention it again let's pretend it never happened so the head this is more the back of the body so it's talking about the head bean block conch crown croot crumpet dome loaf something my dad used to say use your loaf I am I'm making a sandwich aren't you seeing lolly melon knob nog noggin noggin used to use when I was a kid use your noggin noodle nut no that's another one onion sconce never heard that before scone skull so some of them are recognized now eyes

headlamps mince pies peepers whites winkers okay so quite like that winkers it's a nose so beak bracket bugle button cherry picker conch honk honker hooter Lionel Rose I don't know what that means nozzle schnoz schnozzle snoot snot box snout snozz snozzle snot box oh dear fingers so it's got here claws digits hooks onkers onker perringers pinkies do I haven't heard of onker perringers well a hand bunch of eyes Duke Duke but spelt differently flipper flipper German band mauler mitt paw now we come to the bum there's only three bits left the bum the anus and

the feet so here we go bum ace acre arse backside beam behind blot bot bottom bronze bronzo buns but can cheeks derriere ding dinger ginger kyber kyber pass aught pratt rear rump tail tush so nearly at the end of these things so I've got anus is the next one again it's called ace so I'm not quite sure what that ace my ace arsehole back passage blurter breezing breezer bronze or bronzo brown eye coit crack date date what's it called a date freckle fundament I've got no idea what that means is that something you put on

your chips isn't it fundament ginger whole aught coit ring ring piece that's that's the okay so we've gone to feet beetle crushes I had some shoes that the other kids at school used to call them beetle crushes that's the whole story really that was it clodhoppers footsies hooves plates of meat tootsies Wow see some of those I've never heard of before and I'll see how it is some of these things I see so for example I'm on the A's a good yeah a good thing oh nice that's just then then Tony's Colossal a over T

are so the tip head over heels force heavily and clumsily rolls over he stood in a banana skin and went a over T so we don't set it here I don't think wake up oh okay can't say that one it's interesting I'm seeing words here that I used to use it's in the A's it's on page one it's near the bottom on the right hand side and maybe it was an Australian workday because it was in a pub that I worked in and I don't know quite a few different people work in there and there

was a certain phrase that really caught on that used to upset people that used to put it this way it describes a total failure example the party was a complete and you know fill in the word or whatever but that used to be something that used to say I've not said it for a long time ace is that something we kept seeing in the the body parts highly skilled one who excels excellent wonderful very good this car is ace to drive number three the anus bum okay I've got an ace up one sleeve I can

have a bum up your sleeve ace it up stop it so look some of them are just standard like Adam's apple bum pork of cartilage in front of the throat and that's the same everywhere isn't it aerial ping-pong Australian rules football aerial ping-pong I've never heard it called that because I saw Australian rules football for the first time in probably about 1987 it was on telly and I had no idea what was going on because it was football and they were all dressed up like footballers but they were also holding the ball as well so

it's kind of like football and rugby all in one as I really like finally a game that makes sense because why would you just kick a ball around if you can hold it as well so yeah it was really popular in England for a while you know so look I think it used to be called Australian rules that was the name of the program oh here's one act de angora behave in a foolish manner actor they call someone an actor a person whose behavior is often insincere ostentatious exaggerated yeah we don't use that here I

don't think and we use the word actor just referred to actors you know actors actors aha after after darks rhyming slang for sharks well just for any of my Australian friends out there if you ever see me in the sea and I'm not a surfer but let's pretend but I'm a surfing swimming or a swimmer either but I can swim as long as the water's not above my belly button and just imagine you see a shark right near me please don't shout out after darks can you please just shout shout out sharks because after darks

I'll be thinking invite me to a party you know what I really get confused just shout out sharks please thank you very much to be fair if I ever would never ever go into the sea in any country including my own so yeah never you'll never see me in the sea I don't do it never will I'm just don't oh wow I'll just seen something there okay sorry there's some of these things are not allowed to be said I cannot said some of these things Wow one is afternoon delight which I can't read out what

it means ahem whatever against Aggie pipe agricultural pipe used for drainage and landscaping wow I didn't realize this air and exercise a prison sentence and that weird I just not weird but you know it's a lot of in a kind of oh never heard that before so what's next Ajax to clean a bath or sink using abrasive Kleenex power cleaning powder see Ajax used to be I imagine everyone used to use it to clean baths and sinks and stuff but to call that so I'm just going to do it an aid an Ajax to clean

a bath just gonna Ajax the bath that makes sense Al Capone guess what this is a violent slang for phone so shout out to Rhian Rhianna have you found your Al Capone yet alfoil alfoil aluminium foil so you in Australia call it alfoil we call it actually sometimes it's called tinfoil here actually in America it's aluminum foil but don't know if they call it foil or tinfoil we say aluminium they they say aluminum spelled the same way Alf I've never heard this one Alf the uneducated average this is not very nice the uneducated average Australian

male showing no regard for women and preferring the company of male friends to a stupid man so basically it's a derogatory term for men from women I suppose or from other men that I don't know I've not heard that before Alf all alone like a country dunny so this says forlorn without company alone and dejected or a Twitter agitated hmm okay another one I've not I've not heard this one either all beer and skittles an easy task easy going so this one all dolled up I understand that all dressed up I understand that here's another

version that all done up like a sore toe dressed in one's best clothes all done up like a sore toe let's have a look all froth and bubble lacking substance see this I don't know if it's a cultural thing all my eye and Betty Martin all my eye and Betty Martin expression of disbelief never heard that all ponced up dressed smartly dressed in one's best this was says all sagan it all sagan it all right okay doing well example everything's all sagan it yeah right okay I have to read them fair I can't just read

them out because some of them are just really rude or you may say well yeah after the body descriptions everything's gonna be mild compared to that you'd be wrong you'd be so wrong some of these are just no I can't all were all wool and yard wide all wool and yard wide sincere honest scrupulous authentic example Perry's all wool and yard wide when he's sober but all piss and wind when he's drunk and well this one the description is much different for what it sounds like all day sucker large round flats candy-striped confection or lolly

on lolly on a stick what's next Andre's at me dinner now mr.

weaver Andre he's been acting very strange I picked him up earlier and we've just been out for a walk picked him up just you know just giving him a cuddle he said really like acting weird and I saw I put him on the bed and he started fighting with me I play fine very this I don't know what's going on with him at the moment I think he's possibly got a bit too much freedom you can just do anything he wants whenever he wants perhaps he might appreciate me more if I put him back in

his cage all night then when he did get out it might be like be more appreciative probably not probably not I mean nowadays he spends quite a lot of time sleeping on the bed with me so some of these Oh anchors brakes so like car brakes would be car anchors that's the first time I've ever heard that the angle of the dangle pertaining to the okay I can't read that are animal magnetism hypnotic charm power exerted by a person particularly physically attractive one so that ankle by his children so look any tick of the clock

I've never heard that before any tick of the clock it says one soon example he'll be here at any tick of the clock number two at a time unknown example that could happen any tick of the clock so look a a1 perfunctionary so that's the thing that's a word that I've never used function function and so this this one is this word is a PC as in a PC or app I don't know a quick perfection a quick perfunctionary wash of the body armpits and crotch a perfunctionary see Andres you hear him in the background

being very naughty almost like he's trying to wind me up he's trying to get to the toolkit I don't know what's what is this game really I'll probably read him more into it but it's almost like he wants to looking for some way to annoy me he's run off into the hallway so he's probably gonna start banging around the boxes in the hallway Aristotle rhyming slang for bottle never heard that we don't do that I say we don't do that I'm I'm hardly up to date with the with the the lingo of today's youth but

I suppose I can only really go by what I see on television you get me but I just armchair mechanic okay I think he's on my bed in here and doing something ass knows no bounds exclamation referring to extreme good luck ass knows no bounds so someone's really has a really good fortune you know sort of wins some money or you know have something really lovely happen to them that's what we're supposed to say is it ass knows no bounds a bit of a bit of a put-down in there ass okay da da da da

da da assy unusually lucky it's very yeah that's the assy he's very arty unusually lucky yeah that's a new one for me Wow arty crafty pretentiously artistic see arty crafty is pretentiously artistic well arty farty pretentiously interested in the arts as long as one's ass points to the ground so this this means always forever example flea will tinker with crazy intentions as long as his ass points to the ground yeah okay I see all the ones yeah aspro okay I won't read that one at a rate of okay right so I thought I said this

is not so forth it's I asked at any tick of the clock at any moment very soon he'll be here at any tick of the clock you know what I think that's embedded in my brain a bit I might start using that at first crack again the stuff that sounds rude isn't it means a day break dawn is another one if it means at dawn he says at sparrow fart at dawn at sparrow fart I like that the same so look so nearly at the end of a so the next time I dip into this

I'll do the bees or natural it's the same everywhere isn't it that one auntie Australian broadcasting corporation corporation but the BBC in England is called auntie we call it auntie as well that's strange I wonder why that is or Aussie Aussie battler Aussie battler the ordinary working man earning a living against many odds Aussie salute the characteristic waving of the hand to chase away flies that continually and annoyingly buzz around one's face Australian as a meat pie distinctively Australian in character I've never had this so this is a new one for me autumn leaf it's

racing in brackets racing jockey who continuously falls the autumn leaf hmm suspect was away with the birds okay awfully awkward as a bull in a china shop extremely clumsy that's weird awol absent without official leave I thought it was absent without without the over is the out leave this a w-o-l absent without official leave a wall I really did believe it was absent with out leave axe handle unit of measure example someone with a large backside or hips could be said to have be two axe handles across the acre again I've never heard that before

so that's the A's so I've not read all of them out because there's a lot and also some of them I couldn't read out just yeah some of them I couldn't because they were naughty words some of them and some of them referred to things that would not be mmm you know be a bit mmm so I didn't so there so I'm gonna end this let me put you to sleep today and say goodbye and see you again another time so please remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy