#216 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (15th September 2019)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes.

Yeah, I'm trying to think what else to normally say. Deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, I don't know. Yeah, so my website, jasonnewland.com. Have a look, have a little look, have a little peek.

It's all right, you know, it's all right. Let us know what you think. All of my recordings are now on there.

All of the audios are now organized, categorized, easy to find. And there's also a testimonial page where people have, you can write testimonials and post them on there. Let me know what you think of what I do.

I've added testimonials on there from messages and comments that I've had on Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube. So all the testimonials that are on there at the moment, on this day, whatever today is, Sunday, the blah blah of September 2019 is, they're all legitimate and provable. If that makes any sense, I've not just made them up, because that'd be really sad, wouldn't it? Can you imagine making up things that people have said about you? I'd be saying, they'd be like, you're so handsome.

Oh, I just can't stop thinking about you. You're so good looking. And I love big fat bellies.

I love them. That makes me so horny. That's the sort of stuff that I'd be writing as a testimonial for myself.

Not from me, but you know, pretending it's from someone else. But I like bald men. Although I'm not technically bald, I do shave my head, usually a couple of times a year.

Although it's grown quite a bit. I suppose now I'm just, I suppose technically I'm still a skinhead. I've just got kind of a crew cut, probably whatever would be classed as now, like a, I don't know, number three or number four.

It's no more than probably about an inch, maybe inch and a half long. Not hugely, not quite ponytail length just yet. I used to have a ponytail.

I did. I did. Cut off my girlfriend's hair when she was asleep.

Kept it. No, I didn't. And I used to have long hair.

I did. It was 1991. And I don't know why.

I honestly do not know why. I decided, and it was probably April 1991, I decided I was going to grow my hair long. And I stuck to it.

And I had really thick curly hair as it grew. And as soon as it was long enough, to put into a ponytail, I did. And by ponytail, I mean, tiny little ponytail, like a little nub, or nip, or knob, not knob, nip, nub.

A tiny little thing that pulled my hair back. Which probably contributed towards the hair follicles, the front of my hair, deciding not to continue growing. Yes, there you go.

And I think to myself, you know what, because I had long hair from then all the way to the summer 1994, the end of the summer 94. So I had long hair pretty much through 92, 93, 94. And part of 91, although I started and I didn't have short hair in April.

So my hair was probably, it needed cutting, if that makes sense, in April. And so it got long enough to be in a ponytail before the end of the year. So I had long hair for a few years.

I wish I still did really, not perhaps now. Actually that sentence doesn't make sense, does it? Yeah, I'm feeling really hungry. Wish I could eat.

But not now. Not right now. Really need to go to the toilet, but not right now.

That's a nonsensical statement, I do believe. And I, yes, I had long hair. I remember the day I had it cut.

I woke up, as I did most days, and my hair was just, not quite sure how to explain. It just sticking up. It was, it looked like I had a really, really big head, like the world's biggest head.

And, you know, it's sort of, I don't know, like someone had spent all night long rubbing blooms over my head as well. So when I woke up, my hair was just like static. Someone had converted to, made the house, yeah, replaced all the bricks from the house and the ceiling with blooms.

Maybe, I don't know, you know what I mean. So my hair was very, it was just awful. Which is why I had it in a ponytail.

Because if I left it just without a ponytail, it just stuck out. Even though it's down to the, probably the middle of my back. That's how long it got, to the middle of my back.

And it's just curly and thick. And I, on that particular day, I was trying to brush it. I couldn't get the brush through it.

And it put me into a mood, a little tantrum. Because my hair was knotted. And I brushed it every day and washed it regularly and all that.

But I just, I had a tantrum. So I went to the hairdressers or to the barber's shop, which was literally the end of the road from where I lived. And I'd been seeing him since 89, I think.

Been going in there and have my hair cut. And even when it was long, I'd have it trimmed, you know, have the ends cut off. And he's always excited.

He said, can I do it this time? Can I, can I, can I? And I'd always say, no, Mr. Barberman, just a trim. I don't want you cutting it all off. And then one day I went in there and there was a big queue.

And I said, Mr. Barberman, Mr. B. He said, yes. I said, you can do it today. And he just said, got all excited and he kicked everyone else out of the shop.

He said, get out. This man's first. And he put me in a chair and he got so excited.

And none of that happened. And he got really big, did get excited. And he put me in the chair.

Honestly, I don't think I've ever seen a happier face ever. Or I don't think I've ever seen anyone look so happy. Look at me in the mirror.

That could be another way of looking at it. And he cut off the ponytail. That's the first thing he did.

He just cut off, cut it off, started laughing and showed it to me. And he says something really weird. He said, are you sure you want me to cut it off? Like, it's a little bit late now, isn't it? And he cut it and he made my hair look lovely, you know, because you can do a lot more with hair when it's long than you can when it's really short.

You know, you can, you've got something to play with, haven't you? You've got something to work with. So it was nice, very nice, nicely styled. Probably, possibly the best styled hair I've had at that point.

Although I did have a half perm once. Just the left side of my head. That's when I was at school.

I once had my hair dyed brown. And you may say, well, you got brown hair. Why did you have it dyed brown? And I figured I'd have it dyed the same colour as what it is already, just to see whether I liked it or not.

And I had my hair bleached once as well. Went into the hairdressers and had it bleached. And that was another excitement.

Oh, we're going to bleach him. And I said, no, you've got it wrong. It's my hair I want bleached.

And it burnt. It was horrible. My ears and scalp.

It was like, oh man, that was, I looked so silly. I really, really looked silly. I mean, even I knew I looked silly.

Everyone, everyone laughed at me. Even people I didn't know, I'd never met before, laughed at me. It's bad when people you've never even met that don't know what you normally look like, laugh.

It's like when you're wearing glasses for the first time. And when I was at school, I started wearing glasses because I'd been getting headaches. And the doctor said that I needed to, that the doctor sent me to opticians.

And then the optician said I needed to wear glasses all the time. And also gave me a patch because one of my eyes was lazy or something, he said, or something like that. So I had to do these exercises.

I had to wear glasses. But I'd follow my finger and stuff with my eyes, or with one eye. But going to school, and I was in the last year of school, and no one had ever seen me with glasses before.

And it was, it was like a big novelty. It was like some kind of like special carnival day. And people were laughing and making fun of me.

And I thought it was just hilarious. Like even my family were laughing at me. So I took them off.

I just, I just like, I think I had about three hours of wearing them. And then I took them off. I thought, no, no, no, no, no.

And the weird thing is, because I stopped wearing them. I mean, proper stopped wearing them. I wore them for a couple of weeks, I think.

And then I left school. I might have worn them for reading, but I don't think I did. I think I just stopped wearing them altogether.

And it was probably when I was 19 that I got my first, or my second pair of glasses. I had an eye test, and I only needed them for reading, didn't need them for anything else. So my eyes must have just kind of corrected themselves.

So yeah, that was way more boring than I thought it was going to be. I am really, I'm the king of boredom. That's brilliant.

I made two new recordings today. I did a deep sleep whisper hypnosis. I didn't realize I hadn't done one for a week.

And then I did high sleep hypnosis weekly. I did that while I was lying down on my bed and I pretty much fell asleep while I was doing that. Which happens when I, when I lay down on the bed.

It happens when I lay back in the chair, if I'm listening to a recording or music. Although these days, I'm spending more and more time listening to positive audio tapes. So I'm a member of Audible, which you can get just all audio versions of books, basically.

Sometimes read by the author, sometimes not. Sometimes read by really famous people. So I don't really listen to the storybooks, like the fiction or science fiction or anything like that.

I'm more into factual stuff. I'm much more motivational, inspirational, positivity, that kind of, you know, motivational speakers. So I've got a few of those.

Some that I've had in the past. So what am I listening to at the moment? Well, not right now, but I've got a Bob Proctor audio on Audible. I was listening to that.

And there's another book, yeah, Think and Grow Rich, which is a really famous book. So I read that years ago. I'm talking probably 20 years ago.

And I found it very inspirational. It's not just, it's not really, I know the title is Think and Grow Rich, but it's not really about money. It's about thinking.

It's about, you know, we become what we think about, what you focus on. It just affects our lives. It's kind of obvious, really, but it's a heck of a challenge to change those patterns.

But I'm working on it. I really is working on it. Very slowly, very, very slowly.

And I like to, I've been watching YouTube videos. Is it Larry Winget or Winget? He's, he, I was, yeah, I was listening to one of his audios. I think I listened to about an hour into about a seven hour long audiobook.

And that's one of the, I mean, it's a good thing, but at the same time, it's like, oh, because some of the stuff that I get on Audible, I can just listen to on YouTube. But if I get it on Audible, I can download it onto my phone. I suppose I could, yeah, I don't need the internet to listen to it with YouTube, I do.

But of course, there's ways around that as well, I suppose. But I kind of wish I still had my MP3 player. So I used to have an iPad, is it iPlayer? iPod, iPod, but the really, the top one, which was like 250 gigabytes, I think it was.

That's expensive. I bought it, I bought it, I think, just, just as I was starting college. Not starting university, I just bought it because I thought, because I had a lot of stuff, a lot of, like hypnosis lectures and courses, online stuff.

And so what I did is I filled it, I didn't fill it, I think I probably had about, I don't know, 100 gigabytes out of the 250 used up. I think something like that, and there was a lot of stuff on there. I had some videos as well.

And it was just, I think I had videos, or maybe I'm, maybe I didn't. I'm pretty sure I had videos on there, but it's really good. So it's about, yeah, I kind of haven't got it anymore.

And I had so much stuff on there, like lots of really good stuff that I may never get hold of again. Nevermind. But it was, I remember I used to go and when I'd visit, like family or whoever, or go somewhere, I'd be listening to it.

And that's just really cool. That's just, not why I'm really telling you about it, it's just really, I just have this memory, this memory of waiting at the train station, and having to wait quite a while for the next train, and just walking up and down the platform right to the end, and then turning around and walking all the way back to the beginning of the platform, and just noticing the feeling of my feet as they, you know, as I walked along, as noticing kind of a meditation on my footsteps, as well as listening to the, whoever it was I was listening to. Yeah, I remember all that.

Yeah, that was good. I wish I still had it now. It's all that stuff.

So I haven't been very productive this previous week, due to it being a very, very unusual week. And yeah, just a very, very strange, strange week, all in all. Apart from yesterday, yesterday was a good day.

It was nice, relaxing. I did very little. I spent quite a bit of time sleeping.

But I've also spent some time on the website today, or yesterday rather, and I've not gone to bed yet. It's about half seven in the morning, 7.46am on Sunday, and I'll probably go to bed when I've done this, kind of a lay down, just relax. So I'm feeling relaxed now.

It took a few days to get there. But yeah, I'm there now. And I've been thinking, been thinking, and this is something that I've thought about and mentioned and even kind of attempted in the past.

But only briefly, perhaps half-heartedly, and without any kind of planning, or you know, which is something that would be needed for this. So I'm thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking of doing a regular weekend radio show live. And it'll be available on Spreaker, but it'll also be available to listen on my website.

So it'd just be a case of just going to my website every Saturday or whenever it is, and just stream it live on there. So I kind of, that's what I'm thinking of doing. But it'll be different from this.

I suppose in the sense of it will be more focused-ish. You know, I'll probably be reading out of the papers and maybe I'll kind of prepare during the week for it. Find some silly stories that I like, maybe online or in the news.

And you know, just have a little bit of fun. And you can then post comments or whatever in the actual website. So, and I can answer there and then.

So you can send me messages, you know, do a sort of thing so it makes it easy. So you can just send me messages. I can read them out on that page, a little message box that you can fill in.

And I thought that would be cool. You know, then you can tell me how you are. But not as in a conversation, but just, I'd read it out.

And then if there's stuff that you find, you've liked or found maybe amusing or something, amusing, you can send it to me in the post, you know, something like that. I don't know. I don't know.

I've not really thought about it. I didn't mean. Also, if there's, I might have said this before, if there's a subject or if you've got a book of funny facts, not faxes as in F-A-X, but F-U, no, F-A-C-S, no, F-A-C-T-S, then, or if you want to, if you know there's one online, you can buy and send it to me.

And then I can use it in these recordings, like the Let Me Bore You to Sleep. So I'm always interested. And they don't have to be funny facts either.

It could be interesting stuff about where you live, about, let's say, about Canada or if you live in a town called Willieville, you know, in America, that might just, it could be a booklet, a little book, you could send that to me in a post, all the details of my, where you can send it, it's on my website. And I can read it out. If you tell me where you sent it from, who you are, I can read your name out as well.

And I kind of, I've never really been into trivia, but I do like trivia. Yeah, that makes sense. I do.

It gives me an excuse to learn things that I've got no interest in. You know, like, you might have a book on the world's longest bridges, or the largest bridges in the world, or the the facts about, you know, lakes, lakes of the world. And I've got zero interest in that.

But if you send me a book on it, a book on that subject, I'll read out some of the lakes. And that means I'll be learning as well. Which is, can only be a good thing.

Education, education, education, is what my friend used to say. He was even more boring than me. At least I had more than one word to say.

So, yeah, after all, it could be a book of, a book of magic, you know, magic trick. No, no, I can't, no, it's wrong. I can't read out magic tricks, can I? Because that's the whole point, is there magic, and you're not supposed to reveal the tricks, or how they're done.

So that's, that wouldn't be right. What other things could there be? I nearly bought a Guinness World Book of Records the other day. And it was from 2009, or for 2019.

And it's on special offer, half price. So instead of £20, it's for £10. In fact, I think it's the Guinness Book of Records 2020, actually.

It's a fraud about getting it as a present for someone I don't like. But I thought it'd be quite cool to, to sort of use, you know, to read out of bits out of that book, and tell you what the latest world records are. But I didn't want to spend £10.

I did have, well, they, because that book was in WH Smith. I did see an older version, it was 2011 Guinness Book of World Records. Andre's reducing some body weight behind me.

I can't believe I let him lick my face. So, yeah, this book is the Guinness Book of World Records, 2011. And I, it was in a charity shop.

But it was a bit too expensive. I think it was, I think that might have been £5. But I didn't want to spend that much.

Andre's now doing his old game of, he's seen me making this recording. So now he's going to start playing around and seeing how much noise he can make. He's started with a carrier bag.

He's probably gonna, he knows I'm talking about him, he's looking at me. Looks like he's going back to bed. His new place to sleep is a pair of my old tracksuit bottoms, or sweat, do you call them sweatpants in America? You know, things that you'd wear if you were jogging or in the gym.

They're not lycra. They don't stick to me. Stick to me? They do when I'm sweaty, I suppose.

But anyway, my, the elastic broke on them. So I couldn't wear them anymore. So I just put them down and he's, he likes them because he likes to crawl up the, he likes to sleep in the leg.

There's like a little tunnel for him. I know, he loves it though. Well, I say he loves it, I mean he might be, he might be laying there thinking, I don't like this at all.

There's no way of knowing, is there? Wish I had a double bed like him. Who knows? There's no way of really knowing. So I don't know if I did that radio show.

I've got this little thing inside me. But I don't want to talk about that. So I want it, I've got this, this idea.

I don't know if it's a longing, or a wish, or a want, or a dream, or I don't know. The idea of being a radio host, or, or, because I wouldn't be a DJ, because I wouldn't be playing any music. I wouldn't be talking to other people, as in conversations, as in a radio phoning show, because I don't have that facility as yet.

But things are always changing, you know, with the technology. For instance, I found a podcast host, that as well as, you know, you can upload your podcast, unlimited recordings, unlimited hours, and all that stuff, as far as I'm aware. I think it works out about £15 a month.

It also transcribes the audios for free, as part of the deal, and yet I've tested it out, and it's not perfect, you know, it's not been done, it's been done by a software algorithm, whatever that they've got going. But it's still pretty amazing, considering that to get a transcription of an audio would normally cost about 10, I don't know, is it a dollar a minute, or something? Something silly like that. Some of them are like that kind of cost, which would be, this would cost me $60 to get this recording I'm doing now transcribed.

Or some do it at $0. 25 a minute, or I'm sure there's one that did it at $0. 10 a minute, but still, that's still $6 for one recording, at $0. 10. It's like, I don't know, I suppose if I had the money, it's like anything, isn't it? I can't get a, I can't use a private jet, but if I had the money I could, I suppose. Not that I, I don't think I'd, I don't think private jets are really my style. Because in a private jet, you're there, but you can't see people being envious, and you can't really show off, because there's no one else in the air that you can, I suppose unless you fly next to a, like a normal airline passenger plane, and start sticking your bum against the window or something.

I don't know. So I think I'd probably go by first class, or business class, whatever the most expensive class there is. And then just walk up and down, peacocking, because I've actually got feathers.

And just walk up and down, and just stick me bum out, and just walk back again. Just saying, oh, excuse me, I'm just going to business class. Excuse me, please, I've just got to get to business class.

Oh, excuse, sorry about that, I've just got to get to business class. And maybe as I get on, say, is this business class? Oh, no, it's not. Or I could say, I'd go into the first class section and say, oh, is this, look at the label, or look at the, maybe they'll have a thing on the chair, and I say, oh, is this first class, is it? And the person would say, yes, I said, oh, I haven't got a ticket for first class.

I'd wait for them to look smug, thinking I was, you know, just a normal human. And I'd say, no, I'm in business class. And I would do a handstand all the way to business class.

Well, maybe not all the way, but part of the way. I don't know how many steps of a handstand would be enough to do its job, you know? Would you need to go the whole way into business class? And I've got Andre eating his food, making as much noise as he possibly can. I know that he's oblivious to me, he's not doing it, I know logically he's not doing it just to be noisy.

I just find it kind of humorous sometimes that he does it at certain times. He just farted. He did.

He's eating this dry food. So is that his cat food, the wet food that he has? And I get him ferret food, like dry ferret food. It's got the thetamines and, you know, all the kind of stuff that he needs.

And in reality, you know, he should be eating rabbits and stuff like that. And hunting for them, that's what, you know, he would be doing in the wild, but he doesn't have to do that. And he quite likes the dry food.

I think he likes to crunch him. He likes to crunch. He's a cruncher.

I don't know if you can hear him in the background. It's not like really, really noisy or anything. It's just a little bit distracting for me.

And, you know, how I like to focus on... I had this dream. I had this dream. Now he's sneezing.

I had this dream. And I did. Yeah, I had this dream.

And a really nice dream. It's one of those positive dreams, which was a complete opposite to, I think, how I would in the past have dreamt about that particular situation and issue that was on my mind. At the time.

And I quite liked it. Because this is a situation where I've got no control over what happens. And I filled the form in that I needed to fill in.

It's been sent off. And I have to wait to see what happens then. But I had a dream that I received a letter back saying, all is well.

And you've scored higher points than normal than last time. And we're going to give you more. You know, because it's like the benefits that I get.

And last time I did this form was two years ago. And I lost £120 a month off my benefits. So I had this dream.

The dream was that I got the money back. Not backdated, but just got it back on a monthly basis. Imagine getting that backdated.

It'd be like £3,000 or something. Would that be £3,000? £120 times by 12. So 10 is £1,200.

Why is that? £1,300, £1,440. Yes, it's nearly £3,000 over two years. That I've lost.

That they took off me. So yeah, so that was a really nice dream. So I'm kind of hoping that it was a little fortune cookie of a dream.

And everything's going to be groovy. And why shouldn't it be? Now here in, well it's Sunday morning, so people are going to be walking their dogs. And I took Andre to the garage earlier.

It was yesterday. And there was two dogs in the park. And I think there was two women as well.

It was two humans. It was dark. I couldn't see.

All I could see was the shapes. And I could hear the dogs, but it was too dark to make out who the people were. And the one of the dogs started running at me.

So I picked Andre up and put him in a bin. No, I didn't. I didn't do that.

I picked him up. And I just realised, you know, bin rhymes with dream. So yeah, so I picked him up and the dog got called back by the owner.

I don't know if it was the owner, the father, mother, whatever. I don't know. But one of the dogs was barking non-stop.

Proper barking, like, constant. And I just thought to myself, you know what, I don't think, I think one day of that would be, that would be enough. I had a landlady.

I had lots of landlords and landladies over the years. And there's one who was looking after a friend's dog, I think while they was on holiday or something. This dog did not shut up.

It's the same kind of dog as, do you remember Heart? Yeah. I was going to say, do you remember, there was a programme called Heart to Heart a long, long time ago. And there was a dog on there called Max or Maxwell, I think.

And it's that kind of dog. And when I said, can you shut that thing up, please? I think in nicer words. My landlady said to me, he's talking to me.

He's talking to me. No, he's not. It's just barking constantly.

The thing is, it was in the house for like a week or two. And I really kind of got to like him, which is weird. And he was a cute little thing.

And I realised really she was egging him on to bark, because when he was with me, he didn't do it. So I think he might have been just asking her to be quiet. I don't know.

But he was chilled out most of the time. It seemed to be when I was asleep. When I was in bed, that used to be a good time.

Let's talk. Let's get the dog talking. Yeah.

While the lodge is asleep. Yeah. Even though he's paying to be here.

Yeah. Even though we're relying on the money he gives us every week. Yeah.

Let's get the dog barking while he's asleep. Yeah. I'm not at all bitter.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a good boy.

Yeah. Go to his door and do a wee wee against the door like I taught you. Like I showed you how to do it.

Like I did it. Yeah. Yeah.

See, it's a good dream though. Nice. I like those kinds of dreams.

I like dreaming about, sometimes, sometimes I dream about falling in love. And it's, there's certain times when I don't like the dream to end. So I might have been on a date and, you know, perhaps gone home and it's been a beautiful, gone out with her and gone back, gone home with her or she's come back to mine.

And we're having a cuddle and, and then I'll wake up before maybe we have like go to kiss and then I'll wake up. So I can't believe it. So I've just spent three hours listening to how horrible the last boyfriend was.

Three hours listening to that. And I'll go to kiss, I'll go to have a kiss and I'll wake up. Why did I have to dream all through that? Why couldn't I have woken up sooner? And then I think the ideal situation is quite nice is sometimes I'll dream and have the, and it will be, you know, beautiful evening.

All the nice stuff has happened. It's all lovely. And then I'll try, I'll drift to sleep holding her in my arms and then I need to go to the toilet and I'll wake up.

So I get to wake up before the morning, before the awkwardness. So it's, you know, it's, you know, I can't, I genuinely, genuinely, I can't recall many of my dreams these days. I don't even know if I do dream as much as I used to.

And that might be lack of stimulation in some ways. Because if, or actually this week has been fairly stimulating, but the week gone by, you know, hopefully the next week won't be. But the, you know, I don't see many people and don't have a work life or social life or, well, anything really.

So I don't have much contact with people. So I haven't got that input going in, I guess, that would then maybe stimulate dreams of processing it. Perhaps.

I don't know. Why do you keep asking me these things? I don't, I don't know the answer to everything. That's why I need a book called The Answer to Everything, if such a book exists.

It sounds like someone's lit fireworks off in the distance, which is a bit weird at 8.20 in the morning. So I'm going to bring this to an end in case the fireworks get closer, because that's not the ideal ending to a sleep recording. So I shall speak to you very soon.

Remember to be kind to yourself, because you deserve to be happy. Lots of love. Bye.