#172 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (27th June 2019)

Hello, welcome to LetMeBoreYouToSleep.com My name is Yasar Nuland This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep Please only listen to this when you can Safely close your eyes Close your eyes now and go to sleep That is it That's the end of the session So, that's not really So, yeah, here we are again And I'm giggling to myself because In my last Let Me Bore You To Sleep I said I was going to be online Live at 12 o'clock UK time Every night And I'm not going to be doing that It wasn't a lie It was, I meant

it at the time But I'll be honest with you I can't be bothered to To kind of I have to make these recordings when I'm in the mood That's the bottom line And if I'm not in the mood Then I'm not going to do it Last night I was in the mood for doing it But 12 o'clock today I wasn't I'm doing it now and it's 5.

26am And I'm in the mood I'm proper in the mood Yeah So, there's no point in me doing it if I'm not I can't force my I can't force myself to To make recordings Not these type of ones I kind of can do a Hypnosis session Without being in a Kind of A particular mood Although I still need to want to do it Then I do want to do it, I do You know, I want to make more recordings and I actually, tonight or during the night This is my fourth recording, can you believe I

did a deep sleep whisper recording Then, which was 20 minutes long Or 22 minutes long I did my sleep hypnosis weekly Which was about 42, 43 minutes long Then I did a Episode for the relaxation Hypnosis for Stress Anxiety and panic attacks Which was about 53 minutes long And now, I'm doing this So there you go This is not an average day But I have spent a lot of the day in bed Like, kind of, the whole day I think I woke up about 5 This afternoon when I was woken up I had my breakfast

And then I was back in bed about 6 Half 6 And then I got up about half 10 And then went to the garage I bought a sandwich A Jamie Oliver sandwich A meal deal that they do And I've been up since Making the recordings and Watching a bit of telly and Listening to a bit of radio Working on my website, you know Stuff like that I got quite a lot of work done On my websites yesterday But I realised something about myself And I don't want to generalise this to other people Because I don't

know But I realised that I can't go to bed hungry Like, really hungry Because, first of all, my stomach rumbles And secondly, last night Or early hours of the morning I actually felt like I was fainting While I was in bed So I ended up getting up Having a bowl of breakfast cereal Waiting a little while and then going back to bed And then I was fine So, from now on I'm not going to bed I'm not going to go to bed on a full stomach Because that's not really something either That's a good idea,

I don't think Although I have gone to bed after eating in the past But usually for a nap You know, not for proper sleep Or maybe I lie down in my chair, lay back And have a little kip But that's sleep, that is kip I'm not sure for kipper Yes, I had a kipper A nice, not roasted kipper What do they do?

Smoked They smoke kippers Never had kipper for breakfast Never had a kipper I like saying the word kipper I think that's going to be my new favourite thing Just saying kipper I might actually start calling people kipper Hello kipper, you alright kipper? Yeah kipper, just call everybody by the same name You alright kipper? People get used to me being the kipper man Yes, that's the kipper man Why do you call him the kipper man? Because he calls everyone kipper Why do you call everyone kipper?

Because he's the kipper man Of course, I said that would be weird So I won't do that, but kipper I like the word kipper Pants Pants is quite a weird word Tortoise Some people call them tortoise So tortoise And here's a question I've got from my American audience I like to sometimes comment on the differences between English and American Like maybe The pronunciation of words Or pronunciation of words That differs between us And this is a different thing though See, I love I think probably I would say probably 80% Of my favourite programs Like sitcoms

Maybe 70% is American And I've talked about this before I love Cheers, Frasier And Roseanne Will and Grace The Golden Girls Because on a Friday on Channel 4 here At a time when there was only 4 channels Channel 4 being the 4th one And They Friday night was comedy night But it was mainly American comedy For about 2 hours And then it moved into Like English stuff There used to be a program on in the 90s called The Word And there was another program on called Euro Trash I think that used to be on on

Friday evenings as well But the American shows I don't think there was one American sitcom That I didn't love And I watched every single One of them And everyone Everyone that they showed But what surprised me Is There's sitcoms that As far as I'm aware of Have never been on in the evening Either peak time or even late That I've seen That were really popular in America But we never got to see them And They show them early morning You know like 6 o'clock in the morning onwards On Channel 4 And this is not a

new thing This is something that I went through a period Because I used to work early I used to have to get up early in the morning In the early 90s And sometimes I'd wake up Because of the bipolar I didn't know it was bipolar back then But I've gone through periods when I didn't need Hardly any sleep Not so much manic but You know I forget the word But it's kind of below that But it's being full of energy And being up in a good mood And not needing sleep And I can get like

that even now So it wasn't an age thing It wasn't just because I was young Although that probably helped So I went through periods Like sometimes to weeks on end Months even, it was quite weird And I'd wake up really early So I'd go to bed 11 o'clock In the evening knowing that I had to wake up at 7 Or half 6 or something like that But I'd wake up at 4 And I'd be wide awake And I was happy you know And I'd turn the television on And I'd watch TV shows I'd never seen

before That had me in hysterics Admittedly I probably would have laughed At anything Because I was in a really good mood But I know that I was also watching really Brilliant comedy Just because I've always been aware of I've always been able to sort of research that thing A bit harder in those days But I asked around The older generation at that time There was a TV show called Soap As in S-O-A-P The thing that I don't like to touch my body with And It had Something Stephen Mulligan And it also had a young What's

his name He was in that film Very famous actor Comedian as well He was in the film City Slickers, he was the star of that Billy Crystal And oh he He was in another film Mr Saturday And he said He had a catchphrase in that film, what was it Because I had a girlfriend at the time I found someone that was willing to hold my hand And we watched this film Called Mr Saturday, this was about 1994 I think his phrase was Don't get me started on that or something like that But it was funny

It's about him, he's an entertainer and stuff But it's a good film I've not seen it on television For 20 odd years I think it was on video that we got it Because we used to send a little child A little kid, we used to send him to the video shop to get videos Because There was no chimneys for him to climb and clean So we couldn't make any money out of him Cleaning chimneys, so we just got him to go to the video shop And get videos for us That was her, that's what she

said It was a really good film Billy Crystal was in this show Called Soap But he was young, really young Big hair, a lot of hair And it was basically I suppose making fun of soap operas But what it was making fun of I mean for English people I can only talk for myself But I've been a television buff All my life I've seen most things on television At least once So I know all the top soaps American soaps, I used to watch them Like Falcon's Crest Dallas of course Dynasty depending on how you want

to pronounce it What other ones was there And if you're in America you might be thinking What are Young and the Restless Well we didn't have those So we didn't get the really good ones I wouldn't say the really good ones From my understanding Some of those soaps in America Are so bad that they're good The plot lines are so ridiculous That it's entertaining Really entertaining And I wish we did have that stuff Because I'd love to watch it Because Dallas was good, it was funny Because of J.

R. Take J. R.

out of it And apart from Sue Ellen being drunk There wasn't huge humour The only thing I couldn't understand Is why the man from Atlantis Suddenly didn't have to live in a swimming pool anymore So I couldn't understand that bit And with Dynasty That was kind of more of an upper class Posh Kind of I watched it but I didn't enjoy it The same way as I did with Dallas But I was a kid and I probably didn't really understand A lot of what was going on But Dallas was definitely the number one soap Like

from America Falcon's Crest There was another one as well wasn't there Wasn't Falcon's Crest a follow up from Dynasty Wasn't it like an extension Some of the characters And there was another one as well but I forget what it's called I used to watch Murder, She Wrote all the time Well, every Friday When it was on Heart to Heart, that's another American show I used to watch When I was a kid But with the soaps Or the comedies rather and soap Never ever saw that on telly And maybe it was on and I was just

too young to see it Maybe it was on like 10 o'clock at night or something And I was in bed But anyway I used to watch this early in the morning It was on like 4 o'clock in the morning 4.

30, 4.

35 And then Cheers would be on Because at that point I think Cheers had finished I think And it used to be such a brilliant start to the day And that soap was so funny And even now I probably didn't understand All the references because it was I'm guessing, I haven't seen it since I'm guessing it was a Like making fun of The American soap operas But it was just funny in its own way anyway It was just hilarious Another show I thought, one of my favourite TV shows Comedies ever Was, I think it was

1980 1987 I used to watch this When I worked in a chip shop Not while I was working in a chip shop because I was dedicated A dedicated friar I was And by friar I don't mean Big, fat with a bald patch Not there now possibly Oh my gosh I've turned into an actual friar I need to wear the brown cloak I don't think I've got a bald patch but I've got a thinning On the top of the head The crown, is it the crown?

Yeah, like the back of the head that's thinning See if I put my hand, my fingers on it now See I can stroke it with my hand And I can just feel Feel the end And the end's quite soft and smooth Like the middle bit And I can stroke around the end And I can kind of, if I go down a bit I can pull the hairs apart And I can feel the skin So it's thinner And I didn't realise until I think it was last year or maybe the year before I was making a

video and I turned my head Maybe, I think I went to pick Andre up From the floor Because that's where he often is And I replayed the video back And I saw this The top of my head And I'll be honest I didn't I didn't set fireworks off with With excitement It wasn't a terrible moment in my life But it wasn't like Oh better write that in my diary Or perhaps I'll write a poem about it Oh I don't care about my hair going As long as I don't have to have the ball patch showing

Me, me, me, me, me See I wasn't pleased about that I actually had my hair cut, I think it was about 4 years ago I remember I had my hair cut and I often do it myself now I just shave it off Which is quite weird when you consider I'm concerned about a bald patch but I'm happy to shave it all off and be bald all over It's weird isn't it I don't think being bald really suits me And not having a beard doesn't really suit me And having a beard doesn't really suit me So

I'm not quite sure where to go with that And I'm thinking maybe Just rub jam all over my face Maybe that'll look better You know, it's just At least, because I shaved my beard off the other day I got this new razor And it's Philips OneShave I think it's called And it's basically It is an electric razor But you can use it In the shower or in the bath Not plugged in obviously But you can use it as a wet shave As well as a dry shave So I thought, I'll trim my beard And then

I thought, well I've got my t-shirt on And then I thought, well what's that got to do With shaving your beard I thought, well yeah but if the hairs go all over my t-shirt And then I'll just make a mess everywhere And I thought, well I could just change a t-shirt can't I And then I thought, well yeah, I suppose So that's kind of the end of that process So I went into the hallway And I was shaving my beard And I thought, more than I just do this in the bathroom Because there was all

these hairs Piling up And I was worried if they got in front of the door It'd be difficult to get to the front door Because there was a lot of hair It was, honestly It was a big old beard I had And then I kind of did go into the bathroom And I shaved it all off I didn't just trim it I shaved the entire thing off And it's quite a close shave Considering I had a beard trimmer before And it was never close But this is close The closest thing to a wet shave Now

imagine if I'd done it with a wet shave And foam, it would have been closer You know, a closer shave And it was a shave, it's not like it wasn't close to a shave You know, it was nearly a shave But it wasn't quite, it was an actual shave But it just wasn't close As in I can't even If you don't understand why am I explaining it And Then I went down the road I've been down this road many times It leads to the park And a cross over Gets me to the bus stop No,

no, forget that I trimmed my sideburns Sideburns, why are they called burns?

Sideburns Anyway, I trimmed them Yep, I could not get them the same length And I thought If this keeps going on I'm going to end up having to shave my entire head Which I didn't want to do Although I'm thinking about Well, now I am, I wasn't before I'm thinking about having a Mohican That would be quite a cool haircut, wouldn't it? Have a little Mohican I've never had one of those before, I don't think And maybe colour it green So I get a Mohican, colour it green And I can go into town And just look at people And say, what are you looking at?

Why are you looking at me? What's everyone looking at? What's everyone staring at me? Better still, I could wear Like, deep seat diver flippers Walk around there And maybe stick a bowler hat on my head And start shouting at people Why are you looking at me? Yeah, yeah, that'd be fun Why are you looking at them? Because they're out What do you mean?

That's because you're practically uncovered I'm going to look I look at things But I'll be honest with you I don't care about how people look Generally You know, if someone's got blue hair, I'm not bothered If someone's got It doesn't matter, I don't care how big someone's head is Or if their ears are Sticking out and knocking people over in the street Because they're so sticky out, I don't care about that I don't Things like that, how heavy someone is Or how fat or skinny Or any of those words that we're not supposed to use anymore I just, it doesn't interest me Because what does it matter?

I've actually got a friend who's I've got to be careful what I say when I talk about friends, don't I?

In case they listen to this But this friend is I can't I can't say it But this friend is someone that You would look at This female, female friend And you'd look at her And some people would look, people do And I'm not really, I don't really like it Because the way people look I don't think she notices But they kind of look in a Judgmental kind of way Kind of, you know And the ironic thing is She does the same to other people You know, we saw a bloke wearing a dress And makeup And

He had a beard and everything You know, he was a man And not that all, just because someone's got a beard Means they're a man But I think there's got to be a point where we say Let's generalize on this one And she was like Like it shocked her Like it completely threw her off her whole thought process And it's like, what does it matter?

Who cares?

And I think that's the thing If you live in a big city, which I don't now But I used to, I used to live in London And you kind of see It's not that you see everything But you see a lot, more than you'll ever see In a little village or a little town You just see stuff You see behaviour that perhaps You kind of get used to Doesn't faze you And although I was a little bit I think I've only been Not shocked, but surprised A little bit surprised three times Since I've lived here

Or since I've moved away from London One was during the World Cup And Spain were playing England And I was in the town centre I think I was on the way to the Buddhist centre or something And all the pubs were full of English fans And the streets were full of English fans And they were sitting out On tables outside the clubs and bars Drinking And this was before the match started The match was starting at maybe 7.

30 And this was probably 6 o'clock in the evening It was really busy And one solitary man Walking down the road On his own With a Spanish flag Draped around him Like kind of a Spanish Superman But that's afraid of heights So he's walking instead of flying And I was shocked Just in a kind of caring way Thinking That It's not a good idea To do that in a town Like where I live Because you can kind of get away with that In London Because it's such a multicultural place And there's probably Hundreds of thousands

of Spanish people living there If not more But where I live, there's probably about 6 Spanish people Live here It might be more, I'm just guessing It might be 60 It might be 3 It might be 1, maybe there's none now after that And I wanted to go up to him and say Listen mate Have you considered going home?

I didn't mean like go back to Spain I mean just Have you considered just like going home and watching a match there?

Because it's like You know you see the movies You see the old movies, the westerns Where the stranger walks into the bar Or the saloon And there's someone playing music And they're all laughing and stuff And suddenly everything goes quiet It was just like that The person on the piano stopped playing The prostitutes just like Stopped doing what they were doing Everyone was just staring And I thought, ooh And I left Not the town But I thought, ooh I'm getting out of here I don't know what happened but yeah Afterwards but I just left The

second out of three The second one is I don't know what the correct term for this is But Someone walked down the street Lunchtime It's busy And this man is tall Very muscular And the reason I say he's muscular is because What he was wearing showed off his muscles He was basically wearing Rubber, like a rubber suit And there's a correct term but it's like a Kind of like a bondage suit You know And A mask And he had a ball In his mouth Like a strap But he was walking Down the street In broad

daylight When I'd expect to see something like that In Well I'd expect to pay You know On entry to some kind of dungeon Facility And I couldn't figure it out I thought I mean he was a big Muscular man Well basically you could see everything And I was going to say you could tell his religion but He was very tight Everything he was wearing was very tight So he had like an amazing body And he was just It's kind of like I guess how Batman would want to look Not with all the mask and stuff

but Physically how Batman would want to You know Like a proper superhero And I'm getting a bit excited aren't I It's just I need to question myself And And he just walked past me I think he might have winked at me but It was hard to tell because he had a mask on And people just stopped and just looked at him It's like literally it was just Even me Who Likes to think I'm not interested in what people are Wearing or anything like that There's even a you know Even for me there's There's a point

where I do look And It was just It was brilliant really But I couldn't figure out what it was Not what it was but what What the purpose was Because I'm pretty sure I'm not an expert on bondage Or any of those kinds of things But I'm pretty sure Someone Is not you know In the middle of a bondage session And their partner says Oh my god we've run out of milk Can you pop down the supermarket And they you know one of them just goes Well you've got to untie me first But it just

You know it's not It's not general shopping attire Although it was rubber like attire And So that kind of threw me off a little bit So I thought You know what We've got internet now I'm going to research this Because I remember in the past You know the 90s the 80s I'd think to myself If that had happened I think I'm going to research this But we don't have any internet yet Used to bug me but now that we do And it turned out He was Doing it as a charity Like as a To raise

awareness for Something, some charity Because People would take pictures of him And it would become this The rubber man was back And he'd travel all over Essex I don't know if he's still doing it But good luck to him I went onto his Facebook And he refused to meet me But you know it's ok And the next one Well he blocked me on Facebook But that's a different story The next one I was at a train station I'm not sure what day it was It was I think it was It might have been a Saturday

Or it might have been midweek But it wasn't busy But the other side of the platform There was a man Dressed up in similar attire But not as kind of Not as well prepared You know he didn't have any shoes on And he had Like a bag I think it was a plastic Like a brown bag over his head And I was concerned Because It wasn't a warm day And you know You need to keep your feet covered So I spoke to One of the people That works at this train station And I said There's

a man over there And he's got no feet on Not no feet He's got no shoes on And the ward You know whoever the person was Says Well I'm just here to clean the toilets What are you telling me?

I said you work here though don't you? He said Well not really I'm contracted It's a different company altogether But I do clean the toilets at the station I said so there's no point In you telling me this then is there? He said You can tell me I mean You know I don't get many people talk to me It's quite nice to have a break And I said well I didn't realise You were cleaning the toilets He said Well what did you think I was doing?

I said I don't know I just figured you were just hanging around In the toilets I don't know I just Thought maybe It's a new service For people that had Maybe Difficulty Undoing their zips Or something I don't know He said That's a bit weird isn't it?

I said Yeah I know I just Couldn't think what else to say He says You know you don't have to always fill Gaps With sound I said what? He said You don't have to always talk You know sometimes you can just leave a gap You can just be quiet And It can be a beautiful thing I said yeah but I'm making a podcast I can't just leave a big gap of saying nothing He said Ah you're that bloke I said what? You're that bloke that makes those silly podcasts What do you mean silly? What do you mean podcast?

What do you mean silly? He said yeah you make those silly podcasts for people I said well I don't really think they're silly I think they're Pretty damn wonderful He said yeah that's what you think but Has anyone ever used that word in describing them? I said maybe I'm not sure He said exactly I said what do you mean exactly? He said maybe He said maybe Yeah What was the point of this conversation? All I was asking you is Did you see the bloke across the platform?

Because he's got no shoes on And he said yeah I know but I've already told you I don't work for the train station I am contracted by a cleaning company What do you want me to do about it?

I said to start with I'd like you to correct your attitude Did you just pronounce attitude attitude? No I think you did Say attitude Attitude You do, you pronounce it wrong It's not attitude It's attitude It's T Not cha It's not attitude It's attitude Listen I don't think you're in a position to correct the way I speak What because I clean toilets? No Why then? I said I'm not sure I was hoping I'd come up with something but Once you mentioned the toilet bit it sounds a bit Like I'm being a bit judgmental Yeah it does doesn't it?

Yeah but I can't really be judgmental about people that clean toilets Because I've done lots of cleaning jobs myself I know what it's like to clean a toilet I've cleaned thousands and thousands of toilets Or a few toilets thousands of times Whichever way you look at it He said oh I feel like we've really bonded now Before I just really didn't relate to you But now that you've told me that you clean toilets I feel a bond for life You're being sarcastic Yeah I'm being sarcastic Just because you clean toilets and I clean toilets Doesn't mean we're skinned with spirits Oh okay I thought we were getting somewhere Yeah you know what thought did?

Well no actually I don't know People have said that to me before You know what thought did? What did thought do? I don't know So why say it then? It's just one of those things that people say isn't it? Yeah but why? I don't know I mean do you not think about the things that you say? Do you not actually like think? You know think think in your mind About the things you know the words The meanings of things that you say The expressions that you make The you know the regurgitation of Something that someone else has said to you in the past Would you not want to understand What it was before you reused that phrase With someone else?

What are you on about mate? I'm just cleaning toilets Yeah fair enough okay I'm gonna go Give us a kiss before we go Alright then Speak to you later So I went and found a different person And it was someone actually on the platform that I was on Someone that worked there and had a whistle Isn't it really weird?

I don't know why it's got a little relevant but If you think back I think back to the 70s Now I used to travel around quite a lot when I was very little And partly due to my mum's choice in boyfriends but We travelled around so I remember getting onto trains And I remember the smell of the trains I remember being on the platforms and waiting But there was that whistle You'd always hear the whistle And you know the whistle person Not the whistleblower but the Which is a weird term isn't it? Someone's a whistleblower and it's kind of a negative connotation now isn't it?

I always thought a whistleblower was someone that blows a whistle And on trains they blow the whistle to say Mr train driver or Mrs or Ms or You know, train driver You can go now Whistle whistle, wee wee, you can go And they still do it 40 odd years later 45 years later they're still doing it The technology's increased You know, trains practically drive themselves And they still do the little whistle I reckon that's what Star Trek should do They should incorporate that Is Star Trek ever going to be realistic? Yeah?

On the transporter deck, you know when they transport Whoever's in Star Trek at the moment To, you know, the planet or to another ship Someone should blow a little whistle first Just to let everyone know it's all clear Because that, you know, transportation With a transporter I'd beat me up Scotty Instead of that I should be You know, kind of a whistle, that's me whistling I can't do a big whistle without a bee but Imagine if I actually I wonder why they've got peas in them You know, a whistle for peas I actually like whistles because you can like Shake them around Maybe a little pea And I think how did they get the pea in?

Because the hole isn't big enough Because I remember in this past of I've got it in my hand and There's a hole at the top And I've tried to get my finger Inside the hole And I've kind of pushed But it's a little bit painful It's like, ooh, that hurts And so I've got to pull my finger out of it Because like, ooh, that hurts, it's hurting me And because it hurts the finger Because it's the metal, the metal Little metal entrance Even if it's plastic it's still But like, how did they get that little pea Inside the hole?

I guess it's the pea hole, isn't it? So trying to get your finger inside the pea hole Is very difficult Because the pea hole isn't really big enough For you to get your finger in I'm really pleased with that I'm just going to tell you that I am Oh dear So the person I spoke to On the train platform And I said There's that man over there And he's got no shoes on It's cold I'm not sure how cold Because I'm wearing socks and shoes But, you know And I'm not prepared to take them off Just so I can gauge how he would feel Because I wasn't that interested And she said, well that's a bit rude, isn't it?

I said, no You know, isn't that a bit You know, uncompassionate Do you mean incompassionate? I said, no, uncompassionate Yeah, maybe that's the word I don't know Is it incompassionate or uncompassionate? So she went to a radio She said, Jim Eileen here Jim's on the other radio Yeah, hello, what's up? She said Is the phrase, is it incompassionate or uncompassionate? He said, I don't care Eileen said, what? Jim, just help us out here, will you? I did an extra shift for you last week I'm just asking for your help Jim said, okay, wait a sec I'm in the office, I'll just go online and find out And Eileen said to me You heard that, didn't you?

He's going to get back to me I said, well thanks Eileen She said, how do you know my name? I said, I'll let you into a little secret You're wearing a name tag She said, no I'm not I said, that's true She said, I heard you He called you Eileen on the radio And I thought, no wait a minute, I'll backtrack No, it's because I have the gift The gift of names I remember years ago 1995 I think it was And I never...

I don't know why, I could meet someone And the person could be the most Let's just say interesting person Like really someone that I Perhaps like or get to know And they'll tell me the name and I'll forget it Instantly It's It's like they just told me that they Used to have a pet rabbit called Boris When they were six And I was like, oh That's information to let go I don't need to know that And Or It's kind of I could be talking to someone for maybe an hour And then they mention Oh yeah,

my boyfriend Did this And I was like, oh I hear the word boyfriend And I instantly forget everything that's been talked about You know, it's that kind of situation Like I don't need to remember any of that now And Sounds bad doesn't it And With names I'm like that I just Even if I like the person Friends or whatever I just forget their name I've actually forgotten people's name When they had the same name as me Now that's weird isn't it I mean there's one of my favourite Well a boxer that I really like But

I could never remember his name And the weird thing about it is His name is Andre That's a name I should remember I've got my little voice called Andre ain't it So it's like, oh Anyway, I remember I woke up one morning In bed With a lady In 1995 Or whenever it was And I was saved By Her uniform I was saved by her uniform Because She had to go to work And her uniform was actually On a coat hanger On the back of the door Facing outwards So the front of the uniform was facing

out So I could see Her name tag And it was just And it was weird because You know I just Automatically forgot her name But because I do everybody It wasn't a personal thing I just don't It's not that I forget I just don't remember It's It's not even so much That it goes in one ear and out the other There's Suddenly a big Drawbridge comes up To the ear that it's near And it doesn't let it in And I don't know why And it's like this little artillery Just, yeah It's like my ears have

got these This little army of People with bows and arrows Whenever a name Is mentioned It comes towards my ear, the bow and arrow Shoot the name out of the sky Very, very strange I don't know why And on this occasion She actually pulled me up Because she's one of these people That kept saying my name Like, why do you keep saying my name?

I'm the only one here Who else would you be talking to? Unless you're Talking to the goldfish You know, but she kept saying Jason this, Jason that's right I know my name You know It took me a while to learn it But I said Alright then mate Alright then fella Alright then chap And in the end she said You don't know my name do you? You don't remember my name I said, of course I do geezer She said You don't remember my name I said, come on man I do Of course I do, don't be silly She said You don't know my name do you?

I said, come on kipper She said, what?

I said, kipper She said, that's not my name I said, no I know but I call everyone kipper That's why they call me the kipper man She said, I can't believe You remember about the kipper man That was like right at the beginning Of the recording And you managed to bring it up right at the end And like Mix it in with The ending of the recording That's quite clever I said, I know I really do feel good about that It doesn't happen very often It's almost like it's prepared But it isn't And she said

Yeah I'm really pleased with that myself I think I think I'm going to reward you I said, well you're going to stop talking She laughed Thinking I was joking And She said So if you know my name then What is it?

And she's standing Facing me But she's got her back To the door And I can't see The badge Because her head's In the way I did mention she had like a really Really large head It was probably four times the size of a normal head But it's okay Because I don't judge people On what they look like No she didn't, she had a normal sized head Just a head That wouldn't bother me I've never measured a person's head I don't know what It's average size, I don't care But anyway I said, oh look at that Actually what I said to her Is Can you do the river dance?

And she said I suppose so I'm never very much good at swimming I said no, no, no No the river dance The Irish dancing You know when you It's mainly Lower body The dancing is lower body But the upper movements is your upper body But you kind of It looks like you're Sort of standing still But you're not, but you're moving She said, oh with that description I think I could do it easily I said great So she gave it a go It looked like an ostrich Doing hopscotch, playing hopscotch But it's fine She looked

like she was an ostrich A big headed ostrich But she managed To move to one side And I got to see her And I saw her name tag And I said, she said again So what's my name then?

I know what your name is I remember it No you don't, yes I do No you don't, yes I do What is it then?

I said it's McDonald's And I felt good about myself Because I knew I knew I caught her I'd got her, caught her out It's not always about being right But sometimes being right Feels right And she gave me the look That look that I've seen many times That usually means Get out And that was it, that was the The whole story of that And I'm about to walk out And she said, wait a minute, before you go I said yeah Did you find out if he's uncompassionate or Incompassionate I said I said okay Well I

don't know, well you need to finish that Story I said I don't always finish stories Sometimes I start and I forget And I move on to something else And she said yeah, but it's nice To have an ending isn't it I said What are you talking about now?

She said sometimes I'm not talking about Last night particularly But sometimes it's nice to have an ending Sometimes it's nice For something to be finished Sometimes When something's started It's nice for it to be finished You know what I mean I said alright I'll talk about The story then So Eileen gets A thing We call callback from Whatever his name was On the other end And he says Eileen are you there And Eileen said Yeah I'm here He says I'm not sure He said what, how come you're not sure Didn't you check it He said

No Why didn't you He said because the internet's down Oh okay Are you sure the internet's down Or is it just because Jason doesn't actually know Which is right So he can't kind of end the story Because he's not sure if he's Incompassionate or uncompassionate He doesn't actually know Therefore he can't finish the story Because it wouldn't be right if it's not correct He said yeah I think that's it He said another thing Remind Jason to Mention the bloke at the other side Of the platform without his shoes on That was kind of the whole

point of this I said alright okay Love you, love you too Bye So the man across On the other platform He hasn't got any shoes on Not sure what you want to tell us I said yeah I know I'm just worried about him She said why Why worry And I thought Oh that's a point, I hadn't thought about that I think that's my train I should get on that now She said alright see you then Said bye She called me back She said are you really going to end it on that I said what do

you mean She said I know this is Like a boring, supposed to be a boring recording But That's a real boring ending Isn't it Yeah but it's a boring story Yeah I know but It's like a non-ending It doesn't have to be anything Does it, it just is What it is Okay fair enough Well see you later then Yeah bye Bye And remember Be kind to yourself Yeah you too Bye Oh by the way before I get on the train Are you going to be the one doing the whistle She said yeah I said what's

it like She said it's great You know people have been Doing these whistles for years and years And years I was just saying to my friend in the office the other day That If Star Trek was actually Correct They'd be using the whistle You were talking about a transporter System aren't you And the whistle before that She said yeah how did you know I said no we've already done that I want to go now Bye, oh okay then see ya The end