#183 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (29th July 2019)

Hello and welcome to Let me bore you to sleep. My name is Jason Newland and my stomach is making some weird noises for some reason. Please only listen to this boring recording that is aimed at boring you to sleep when you can safely close your eyes.

Even if you were to fall asleep with your eyes open. Please still only listen when you can safely close your eyes. Don't operate heavy machinery.

Like medication might cause drowsiness. I mean I've worked in factories and usually you don't have to carry the machinery. It's heavy, it's bolted to the floor, you can't carry it.

You're going to carry a, like a tractor, you're going to carry a tractor around. Like when you'd be listening and fall asleep and then the tractor falls on you. I mean imagine a crane driver listening to this.

Oh, everyone's standing watching the big beam of metal being lowered down and thinking oh that's very skillful that is. Not realizing that it's just blowing in the wind. The person up there is fast asleep being bored to sleep by a podcast of boredom.

So yeah, ideally just be careful really I suppose. It's good advice for all aspects of life, you know, in a way, isn't it, you know, in a kind of a way. There's not much on telly today.

Just thought I'd let you know, not much on telly. The weather's definitely changed. I can't believe, well I do believe it, but it's gone from being really, really hot to being mild.

I wouldn't even say it's t-shirt weather. Unless, of course, you're wearing a t-shirt and you're outside and you're feeling comfortable. Then I suppose it is t-shirt weather for you.

I see people walking around in the winter in t-shirts. What's that about? But then I see that a lot of people, because I don't drive a car, I don't drive a motorbike, I don't drive a scooter, I don't drive a train or, you know, I don't drive anything.

But I've noticed that when I go to, well, any garage really, although I don't travel around the garages of the country, it's not my hobby, but I've noticed whenever, wherever I go and I go to a garage in the winter, pretty much there's always someone that just gets out of their car, and they're wearing a t-shirt or, you know, just like a jumper or, you know, and there's me in 15 jackets and, you know, I was like, I can hardly move because I've had to cover myself so much because of the coldness.

And they're just strolling or relaxed, a little bit nippy out there. No, it's cold. But, you know, you've only traveled from your car to the door and then you travel back from the garage door to your car and then you get out of your car on the driveway and you walk into your front door.

It's not, it's not a great deal of time outside. Try standing out in it for an hour, walking to the shops. Drivers, you don't even know you're born.

People say that you don't know you're born. I can read you like a book. I know you better than you know yourself.

No, you don't. You know, you can't read me like a book. First of all, I don't have pages.

I don't mean like being held. I don't really like being touched full stop. I definitely don't want to be held like a book.

That'd be weird. Can't read me like a book. Can't read anybody like a book.

No one knows what another person's thinking. We like to pretend we do, or like we like to think we do, but we don't. How can you? We knew what each other was thinking all the time.

None of us should have any friends. None of us would have anyone that cared about us or liked us because they'd know what we were thinking deep inside. And it's not always pleasant.

It's just thoughts. There's a big difference between thinking it and believing it and acting on it. Huge difference.

And that's where Facebook comes in. Because people, some people, they post what they're thinking in the moment when actually that's not there. You know, you can't base your belief system on a little rant that you have on a Saturday evening after a few drinks or after an argument with a spouse.

Isn't spouse a lovely word? Spouse. It's the most unromantic word in the world, isn't it? Spouse. I think they should use that in the wedding ceremony.

Do you take this man to be your spouse? And do you take this woman or this man to be your spouse or this zebra or whatever? Do you take this giraffe? Andre's just woken up. I think he's, sometimes he's, you know, it's weird. He'll actually, he gets about, I'd say, well literally no notice when he needs to go to the toilet.

He just gets up and runs to the paper and goes. And sometimes he's actually doing a really, one of his most disgusting things he's doing, he's doing it right now. Just did a wee, just a big wee.

I looked over and he was only licking it up, licking up his own wee. Now he's got a big bowl of fresh water a couple of feet away, which he does drink out of. And he dips his, dips his chin into it and cools down in it and everything.

But he doesn't get into it, he doesn't like water, so he won't get into the water, but he drinks out of it. So why would he choose to drink his own wee? I suppose it's like natural recycling, but I've got to just put trust in his natural ability to do what he needs to do. So I guess he's, he needs to do it where he feels like it has to be done.

And apparently urine is good for, it's good for us, you know, apparently. So that argument doesn't always hold up in court, but apparently, you know, it's sick, it's got healing properties. But I've never, I've never, I've never indulged myself personally.

And Andre has offered, but it's like, no, you are a mate, just, why don't you just drink water like I do, just drink it out of, you know, it's nice water. And when you do drink tap water, as long as you, you know, try and take it out of your mind that you, where it's come from, you'll be fine, just have a drink. So yeah, that's what he's just done, which is strange and distracted me from what I was saying.

So what I think I'll do is I'll tell you a story, tell you a story about, okay, there was this elephant, and it was just, it was just an average elephant, you know, and he had dreams, because basically, he, he lived in a circus. He grew up in a circus. His parents lived in a circus and his parents' parents lived in the circus.

And, you know, they did tricks and stuff like that. But he had a dream. He had a dream when he, because he was, he was still a, he was a teenager at this point.

So he was big, obviously elephants are big, but he was still little, really, like, young. But his dream that he had since he'd been probably about nine years old, possibly younger, his dream was to run away from the circus and to be an elephant somewhere else to, to do something different, maybe, you know, become an accountant or something. He liked the idea of running away from the circus to become an accountant, because he always enjoyed numbers, enjoyed counting.

He loved counting to 10. That's one of his favourite things. It was a trick that he did.

And sometimes the whole family would get together and they'd say to him, Billy, do your trick for everybody. And he'd say, okay, here we go. I'm a bit shy.

He'd say, go on, Billy. Come on, Billy, do it. His grandparents would say, get on with it.

We have stuff on telly we want to watch. Okay, that's supportive. Thanks.

Cheers. And he said, right then, I'll do it then. One, two, three, four, five, six.

Billy looked around just to gauge the level of anticipation from his audience. Seven, eight, nine, ten. And he just did a little bow.

And he looked up, waited for his applause. But none came. And he was confused.

Billy was confused. He thought maybe he'd have to change his name to Confused Billy. But then he thought, that's a bit of a silly idea.

So he just ignored it. And he looked around again. He looked up because at this point, his head was kind of down.

Because he did the bow, but he didn't know what to do next. So his head was practically on the floor, which is a bit of an unusual position to be. And his mum said, Billy.

Billy said, yes, mama. She said, why is your head on the floor? Billy said, well, after counting from one to ten, which I'm sure you'll all agree was pretty amazing to witness that. It must have been quite enlightening for you all.

And I took my little bow. But I didn't realize, because I'd never done it before, I didn't realize how heavy my head was. And his mum said, well, that's the trunk.

You see, the trunk's quite heavy. That's why we generally have our heads up. Because the head is quite a heavy thing.

And he said, yeah, but I thought, because the body's so heavy, the head wouldn't really be an issue. And his mum said, it's not when you're standing up. But when you bow down like that, because in order to bow down, you're getting quite close to the ground.

And once you do that, it's a little bit harder to actually get back up again. And Billy said, oh, thank you, Deidre. She said, what? What did you call me? Is it Deidre? That's your name, isn't it? She said, yes, but you're supposed to call me mama, or mum, or mummy, or mama, or ma, or mum.

Mum? What do you mean, mum? I don't know. I was just trying to think up different versions of mum. But yeah, why are you calling me Deidre? Well, I thought it'd make a change.

I thought it'd make a change to call you by your name. Because you call me by my name? Yeah. Well, if you want me to call you mum, or mama, I want you to call me son, or child.

Actually, no, I don't like that. Son. I don't want to be called a child, because I'm a teenager now.

I have teenage parts. I'm growing into a big, strong man. And one day, I'm going to make babies of my own.

No. No. Do you actually know what that means? No.

Why did you say it then? Well, I just, I don't know. I was trying to be, just trying to show off, really. You know, I don't, other than that, I don't really have an answer for you at this time.

And his mum said, Billy, listen. I hope your name's Billy, because I've forgotten what name I gave you at the beginning of the story. But we'll continue with Billy.

He said, yeah, I think it is Billy. Yeah, Billy, that sounds right. Perhaps I should write stuff down on a piece of paper before I start stories like this.

And Billy's mum said, who are you talking to? Are you talking about writing things down before you tell a story? Billy said, no, no, that was the narrator. What's a narrator? I don't know. It's kind of like the easiest job to have in a play, just to be the narrator.

Just to sort of, it's like, you know, if you've got people travelling, and they're going from, you know, on a stage, you've got a scene, and the person, they're travelling along, two people together, and one says, it's cold, isn't it? And the other one says, oh, I'm glad you know that, because normally my willy's a lot bigger than this. And then it cuts to the next scene, and the person, the narrator would say, now we've moved out of the shopping centre, and now both of Horace and Boris are now fully clothed, as they leave the shopping supermarket and make their way towards the swimming pool, where they swim fully clothed, for some reason. Oh, that's weird.

Not really. So who's talking now then? I am. No, but who? How, how am I supposed to know who's talking? We've both got the same voice.

And it's me, it's Billy. This is me talking. Oh, okay.

Well, mum, why don't you have a different voice to me then? Then the people listening would know whose voice is who, so they can follow this really interesting story, and then it'll make it a bit easier. But in what way? Why, you know, what do you want me to do? Well, you could just change, I don't know, the, the timbre of your voice, the, the, the pitch, or something like that. Do you mean talk like this? Yeah, um, yeah, kind of, yeah, but you're an elephant.

I know I am. I'm an elephant and I'm your mother. Yeah, but mum, we're elephants, we're the cleverest animals that walk the earth.

Yes. Why, why do you say that then? Well, I'm, I'm, I'm not judging, I'm not, I'm not, yeah, just bear with me, I'm not judging, but I imagine because you're, and you're, you've got a bigger brain than I've got, you know, I'm a teenager, you've been around for, you know, 60, 70 years or whatever, by the looks of your face, and, excuse me? I'm just joking. It's like, you, you're crinkled.

Well, so are you. Yeah, and your voice is different now to what it was a minute ago. Well, I've forgotten what it was like before.

Okay, that's all right, it's gone back. It's not so much the sound, but the, the spaces between the words and the speed and the, you know, because, you know, at the moment you're talking like this, you're talking like this, and therefore. What, what are you talking about? I see you don't.

I don't know how to put it, but perhaps you could talk a little bit different. But this is the way that I talk. Well, it is now, because that's how you've chosen to talk, but earlier you were just talking exactly the same as me.

Yes, but you said that I should try and talk in a different way. Yeah, yeah, that's right, Mum, Mama, Mummy, Deidre. Oi, I said don't call me that.

Okay, sorry. So, I don't know how to put this in a nice way. Some things can't be put in a nice way, can they? And it's like when people say, no offence, but, and you know what's coming out of their mind is going to be offensive.

I'm not racist, but, I'm not homophobic, but, you know, there's always the next thing that comes out of their mouth is racist or homophobic or whatever. And it's ironic and it's funny. It's really funny to hear because it's like they're not even aware of it.

It's like, that's what you sound like. What do you mean? You sound like someone that would say, I'm not being racist, but, and then go on to say that something kind of awful. But, I am racist.

No, you're not. Well, well, I'm quite a racy person. I get quite, you know, when I'm with someone, I'm quite racy, quite upbeat and full of energy.

Energy? No, that's not what racist means. It doesn't mean that you're racy. As in, do you mean horny? Well, yes.

In fact, I do mean horny, but I didn't really want to say it to you. Because you're my son. Yeah, and I kind of wish you hadn't.

Yeah, that's not right. Race is a different thing. What you're referring to is kind of loving.

The opposite to the word that we were using. Oh, I see. So is there any chance you can just talk normally? Yeah, I suppose.

I can talk normally. Yeah, but not in my voice. What do you mean your voice? This is my voice.

No, it's my voice. I'm Billy, the elephant, the teenage elephant. You're Deidre, Mummy, Mama.

Mum, Mom. You know, that's who you are. I'm me.

You're you. Yeah, and I'm me and you're you. And you're you and I'm me.

So? Well, so is you need to have your own identity. You've been watching the Jungle Book too much, haven't you? What do you mean by that, Billy? Well, you know, Jungle Book. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

I want to be like you. Ooh, ooh. Oh, that's funny.

Was that a fake laugh you just did then? Oh, that was, wasn't it? That's a fake. That wasn't a real laugh. Why are you doing fake laughs for? Well, if you gave me reason to do real laughs, perhaps I wouldn't need to do fake laughs.

Wow, Mum, that was harsh. Yeah, well, you know, you can't complain about what something tastes like if you keep eating it. You keep sticking it in your mouth and you don't like the taste, stop sticking it in your mouth.

What has that got to do with anything? That doesn't even make sense. Well, it does make sense, you know, in a sense of, oh, this fish tastes horrible. And then you keep putting it in your mouth, keep putting more fish in your mouth.

Yeah, of course, that would be a ridiculous thing to do. But did you just say ridiculous? Yes, Mum, I said ridiculous. No, I said ridiculous.

Yeah, you said ridiculous. What's wrong with that? Well, the word is ridiculous with an R. Not with a W. It's not weediculous. Weediculous.

Why? Why did you say it that way? Well, I didn't. I said it was ridiculous. It came, you did it, it came.

I didn't bring you up to speak like that. What are you tall about, Mum? You didn't bring me up. I've been brought up by the people that trained me to do acrobatics and stuff like that, to jump through hoops.

The circus people brought me up. I hardly see you, do I? When you're working, I'm not. When I am, you're not.

We don't even sleep in the same tent. Why do you have to be like this? Mum, I'm not being like anything. I'm just being honest.

Yeah, but your honesty, it's not necessary. What's the benefit to you for saying these things? I don't know if there is a benefit. Well, there you go, then.

What do you mean, there I go? What does that mean, there I go, then? I don't know. It's just something that people say. I don't know what it means, but I've heard people say in arguments, and therefore, I've copied what others do and say, because I want to fit in with my environment, and it means I don't have to think for myself.

Wow, that was a bit of a self-exploration going on there, Mum. Now, listen, listen, Billy. Listen, just listen.

You listen. You listen proper. I've just about had enough of your insolence for one day.

All right, Mum, I'll come back tomorrow. No, that's not what I mean. I don't want you to... Always with the clever comments.

Did you say commence? Always with the clever comments. Yes, Billy, that's what I said. I said comments.

No, you didn't. You said commence. Comments is a different... Commence and comments, that's different.

Please leave a comment. Everyone's going to understand that, apart from people that don't. And if you put, please leave a comment, that's going to be too much emphasis on the ent.

So what are you saying? I've got to put more competence on the cont, or the com, rather. Yeah, did you say continents? Competence, continents. They're very similar words, aren't they, continents and competence? Yeah, have very different meanings.

It depends if you're talking about continents as in, you know, the different parts of the world. No, I'm not. Oh, but continents means that everything's good.

You know, down there and everything. Oh yeah, I suppose, yeah. Intercontinents would be, I suppose, moving between countries.

No, I don't know. Billy. Yes, mum.

You're, where are you? About 13 now, aren't you? Oh, I'm 14 actually, but yeah, I'm 14. Well, happy birthday for that. Billy.

Yes, mum. You're 14 now, aren't you? Yeah, why are you just repeating the same question? And you got it wrong the first time, and now you know my age. You can't just repeat the question and expect me to have forgotten that you asked the question 30 seconds ago.

Billy. Yes, mum. You're 14 now, aren't you? Yes, yes, mum, I am, yes.

Well, I was speaking to your father last, well, I was going to say last night, but you're not going to know if it's true or not, are you? I could say last night, it might have been last year. In fact, I could say I was speaking to your dad last night, and I might not have done. You're not going to know.

Why am I being so specific? I could just say I was speaking to your dad, but even then you won't know if it's true. Well, why would you lie to me, mumma? Because it's the elephant way. You must lie as often as possible.

That's just, that's not true. Elephants are known for being upstanding citizens and honest and competent and to have high morals. Where on earth did you hear all that rubbish? What do you mean, mum? It's not rubbish.

It's, it's fact. Elephants are superior. We're the most superior animals in the world.

Other than, I suppose, whales. It's all to do with size, you see. The bigger your heart are, the bigger your, the brain is.

Well, I don't think that's always true, is it, Billy? Why do you keep saying my name? Well, that way people listening will know who's who. Oh, that's a good idea, actually. Okay, then, Deidre.

Oi, stop it. Don't you dare say that to me again, or me and you are going to fall out. Okay, mum, sorry.

Alright, let's get on with it. Alright. Yes, mum, yes.

Whatever you wish, my love, we can get on with it. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So, you want to be an accountant, do you? Yes, I do.

What is it about being an accountant, do you, that appeals to you? Well, I'm a numbers person. Okay, can you elaborate? I'm not sure what that means. Okay, can you say more about, you know, what it is you want to tell me? I suppose I could.

I'm not sure if I will. Okay, but it would make it a bit more interesting if you were able to. What was that, son? That's what you sound like to me when you talk.

Well, that was very rude. I've never been so insulted in all my life. Yep, another sentence that people say that doesn't mean anything.

If you haven't been insulted like this before, then you really need to get out of the house more often. That sounds like something that's been said before as well, my son. It doesn't sound like a very unique thing to say.

I'm not saying it is a unique thing to say, but it's more unique than what you just said. How do you know? Do you even remember what it is I said? Well, I'm not sure really. It must have been mildly interesting or memorable, but I don't necessarily recall every single thing that you ever said.

Which is kind of okay, isn't it? Don't you think? Well, actually, I don't think. No, I really think. I don't like to think.

Thinking is not something that I enjoy. I like to just do. I like to just be.

I like to enjoy just doing. I like to enjoy just being. I like to wander around aimlessly, just knowing that I'm big and strong and able to deal with every single possible situation that may arise in the world.

All right, okay. I forgot who was talking then. Was it Billy or was it Deidre? Billy's bum.

So I suggest you both get together, give yourself a big hug, and then you can kind of move on because it just seems like the right thing to do in some ways, depending on which path you take as you move closer towards your goal of whatever it may be. Oh, that's nice. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Very nice.

Very, very, very nice. Indeed. Hmm.

I'm just so tired. Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm tired too.

And now, as we come to the closing credits of that incredible story, written and performed by Juicy JJ, just for you. And you may be thinking, wow, that was really interesting. Remember that story about the elephant that wanted to run away from the circus to become an accountant? And your friend might say, oh, I remember that.

I wonder what happened to them. They were so in love. So in love.

Potatoes and curry and lots of other food. I'm thinking I might go and get a breakfast at a place that's about three miles away. Walk up there and have a breakfast and then come home.

It's something that I might do, but I'm not sure if it's something that I want to do. It's one of those things that requires making a decision, which is not always my favorite thing to do. Making decisions about anything at all.

Sometimes it's nice to let yourself relax. Relax. Fully calm and loose.

Calm and loose. Loose and calm. Relaxed.

Relaxed. Calm and loose. Letting the boredom, the deep boredom of my voice, surround your body and relaxed and calm.

Relaxed and calm. Relaxed and calm. Oh, so calm.

Oh, so relaxed. So relaxed and calm.