#156 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (24th May 2019)

Hello and welcome to LetMeBoreYouToSleep.com My name is Jason New and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep Please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes And there's probably other stuff I could tell you but I can't think what it is On my website LetMeBoreYouToSleep.com I post every new episode So all of the hundred and...

I can't remember how many there are now But all of those, I think it's 155, I think this is number 156, I think They're all on that website So if you would like to leave a comment on my website Then let us know how you're getting on and if you like what I'm doing Then that would be really cool So every recording there's a comment section, a comment box underneath Where you can leave a comment That's a way we can keep in touch Also I do have a Facebook page dedicated just to this Let Me

Bore You To Sleep podcast That's also on the website and you can click on there and it will take you to the Facebook page And you can like the Facebook page if you want to And I also post all the new episodes on there Now that was a good boring start to this boring recording I don't know Andre is still awake, or he's asleep, but he's still here, you know, in the living room Somewhere So at some point during the recording he may pop up and start running around and stuff And the reason he's not

in his cage and I've not put him to bed is because I can't be bothered I just take too much physical activity Although it sounds like he's dreaming Sometimes he's asleep and he's...

Do you know when a dog... You can see a dog's legs, they're sort of...

A dog will be lying on his side and the legs will be going like they're running He kind of does that a little bit Just with his hands, not his legs though And he'll be like moving his hands and making a few weird noises And sometimes he makes really strange noises and I can't sort of check on him and make sure he's alright But he is, it's just he's asleep, he's dreaming I'd love to know what he dreams about Just, you know, is he dreaming about going for walks and rolling around in the grass Who

knows, it might be a nightmare and he's dreaming about having a bath He doesn't like baths, really I had to give him one the other day and he really, really doesn't like them This is the only thing that he really doesn't like Apart from doing what he's told Because he's his own man, you know He does his own thing, he thinks for himself, does not want to be told what to do Pretty much like all of us, really People with animals who think that the animal should do what it's told and should behave itself Like,

why?

Do you behave yourself? Do you do what you're told? If you had someone telling you what to do all the time Wouldn't you want to do something a bit different?

If someone kept telling you to sit, sit I think I'd refuse Although I'm very lazy so I'd already be sitting down anyway Wouldn't have to tell me twice Actually, Andre, Andre's namesake Because I named Andre after my friend Andre Who was my best friend a long time ago And he, we lived in a house together With another person who had a dog And this dog was the most untrainable dog ever You know, basically done whatever it wanted to do its whole life And could not be, would just refuse to do anything it was told or

asked And I said to Andre one day, I said So I moved in, because he was already living there And I moved in And when I first moved in, I said to Andre About the dog, does he know how to sit?

What's he, no I won't sit Have you taught him to sit? Why don't you teach, because he didn't do anything So why don't you teach him to sit?

And Andre looked at me and said He already knows how to sit And he didn't mean he knew how to follow orders He just meant that he sits down of his own accord He knows how to sit He knows how to eat, he knows how to fart He knows, you know, he knows all that stuff He just chooses to do it whenever he wants It's hard to get a dog to fart on order as well That's what I'd like to see on Britain's Got Talent Or America's Got Talent or whatever your one is I don't

want to see a dog running, jumping through hoops and dancing backwards I want to see a dog farting Farting a tune Maybe Bohemian Rhapsody And don't worry, I'm not going to try and do that tune Because it probably wouldn't be that relaxing Bohemian Rhapsody So all of my 120 soundproof foam pads have arrived They arrived over the week So they didn't all arrive together So I had, I think Monday I had two packs arrive Out of the ten packs And I was asleep, had a knock on the door And there was a man there holding

a package Not his package, you know, like a delivery package It wasn't a strip of gram or anything like that It was just a standard delivery person And I answered the door And he said, these, you know, these are for you And I said, is that all there is?

And he said, well that's all I've got for today And he seemed to be a bit upset with me for asking And for questioning his integrity and professionalism, I don't know And I realised it was a postman It wasn't a, because I ordered this stuff from Amazon So I just assumed that Amazon would deliver it You know, in a all in one go, in a van, a delivery driver So I thought, okay So I've got two out of ten packs I don't want to be woken up again So I stuck a sign on the door, just leave them outside And every day this week Tuesday and Wednesday, the rest came So I think I had, yeah, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday Or was it Friday?

No, I think it was Monday Monday I had two, Tuesday I had four And then Wednesday I had two, something like that And, no, two, three, four, five, six That's only eight, isn't it? Oh maybe I haven't got ten then I think I have Maybe the delivery was on Friday, then Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday Because I didn't have a delivery today Or did I have a delivery today?

No, I don't think I did Unless I had two deliveries of four And one delivery of two I don't remember I think I've got all of them though, I think all ten packages have been delivered But I didn't have any adhesive to put on the backs of them, to put on the wall So I'm going to have to wait until next Wednesday when I get paid Because I don't have any money to do anything So I'll have to wait And then get some adhesive Which means I'm going to have to get about one tube per

twelve So basically for each pack I need a tube, so I'm going to have to get about ten, ten tubes So that's going to cost me about £30 But I'll be able to cover a lot of the wall So hopefully by the end of next week So I won't do it all in one go, I'll do a few Probably do like one or two packs at a time or something And then eventually I just want to get this room soundproofed Like completely, so that Everything's quiet in here So I think part of the reason is

because I'd like to be able to Here comes Andre Yep, he's doing a, I won't tell you what he's doing But let's say he's got all his legs stretched out and his tail is sticking up So you can guess what he was just doing there And he just collapsed on the floor Just a bit like a lion does, you know, after it's been After it's been romantic with its life partner Aww, romance No Because I think it'd be quite good if I could get this room soundproofed So that I can make some recordings during the

day Regardless of what's going on outside Because, especially in the summer There's, here my toes are cracking I've cracked a set of toes So you know, in the summer people are doing their lawn Barbecues, you know, there's a lot of generous neighbours like to share their music Very generous of them, yeah I can't imagine being in that mindset of being oblivious to everyone else To, I don't know, just to be so inconsiderate To just have music blaring out really loud I've never felt comfortable doing that It doesn't seem fair on others To just, you know,

to have really loud music And I'd like to sometimes, you know Occasionally I like to listen to loud music So I use headphones I mean I guess other people don't know about them I reckon they should be advertised I mean headphones are great, you can listen to loud music But your neighbours don't, you know, they can listen to what they want to listen to They're not, you know, I'm not infringing Barbie girl upon my neighbours I can listen to it from my headphones I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world What's the rest of it?

Is it made of plastic?

It's fantastic I think You can brush my hair, undress me anywhere Yeah that's it Come on Barbie, let's get, let's Is it come on Barbie, let's get party or let's Let's have a party I had a bath today I had to go out, I had a meeting And it was late afternoon I didn't go to bed until about 7 o'clock this morning Well yesterday morning So I set my alarm for 2 o'clock in the afternoon And for some reason when I did go to bed I was out so quickly I fell asleep so quick And

then I woke up at 11 o'clock or something And then I went back to bed And then I woke up at 2 o'clock because the alarm went off And I really didn't want to get out of bed, really You know I think if you want to I imagine right A bed of nails would feel comfortable Once the alarm bell goes off You know once I know that I have to get out of bed I have to because I've got to go somewhere You know a bed of nails would probably feel so comfortable Just like oh

anything is better than being able to get up But I did get up because I kind of had to Of course I didn't have to, none of us have to do anything But you know I needed to because It was an important appointment And so I got up, turned the bath on Turned the tap on rather, I don't have some kind of weird switch that just I don't have an electric bath So I turned the tap on And it takes a while for the hot water to come through And then when it does, I have

to tap on really low pressure Otherwise just cold water comes out But it's such a low pressure that it keeps turning itself off So I kind of have to play with the knob For a bit until the right amount comes out eventually And then I can leave it to sort of run on its own And so I just turn the laptop on Check my stats, check you know See what's happening, see if I've got any messages Check Facebook, Twitter And you know it doesn't really take very long but just to check through Then I had

my bath And by the time I got out of the bath I had about 5 minutes to have my breakfast So I just, that's what I did, I spent that time eating And then I left to get the bus But the bus didn't turn up for about 15 minutes So it's still a good idea to get there early though Because sometimes the buses get there early and they'll just drive past Other times they'll wait, it's no way of knowing It's not way of knowing what you're going to get really is it So I don't try

and predict, I try and get there early And it usually works out okay but Getting there late is not a good idea because The amount of times I've walked up there And just about got to the bus stop And the bus goes past And I don't like to run for the bus It just seems like exerting all the effort to get on the bus I mean part of the reason I get on the bus is so I don't have to exert any effort You know, it's like walking up an elevator Why do people do that,

why do they do that?

The elevator's moving, it's moving with you on it You don't need to walk up it I think there should be some kind of a little stunning thing on them So if you go to walk it, it'll give you a little shock Mind you though, I have walked up escalators I've run up them in the past, you know Trying to catch a train Again, why travel on a train? You'll be knackered when you get there It's supposed to be relaxing The whole point of travelling on a train is for the champagne and caviar, isn't it?

That's the whole objective Admittedly, I haven't travelled on a train for quite some time Ever since I was kicked out of the Royal Family I refused to inbreed So, I wonder how many different countries have Royal Families And how many of those countries, how far it goes back The bloodline Because we've had so many different kings and queens over the years And we were this country, invaded by everyone, I think Which makes you wonder why we invaded other countries When we knew what it was like You'd think they would have learned that it's not very nice to be invaded But we've invaded what?

Vikings, the Normans The, what are they called? The Romans That's just three that I can think of What other ones were there? Not the Ku Klux Klan What's the other ones? The Normans, the Romans I think Normans is funny Just me, I can't help it Just Norman It doesn't sound very scary, does it?

Like the Vikings That sounds like, ooh, that's something The Romans, yeah We've been invaded again, oh boy Oh, it's the Normans You mean a bunch of people that are all called Norman Yeah, I think so I mean, that would explain the lack of communication in this country Yeah, maybe that's what it is That's why there's so much mixed communication And ambiguity and, you know, all that stuff Because for a time, I don't know how many years The Normans were in charge And that must have been so confusing Especially for people that like to gossip Oh, you know what Norman did yesterday?

What? You know what he did to Norman? What Norman did to Norman? Yeah, it was terrible We should do something about it Yeah, why don't you tell his dad? Who's his dad? It's Norman I don't know, his dad's a bit fiery Why don't you tell his mum? I don't think I've met her What's her name? It's Norman I wonder if they had dogs What did they call them? Probably Eric and Steve and Peter and Paul Probably had like lots of different names Or why don't you just call him Norman? That'd be confusing And think about it, there's seven people living in this house If you have a dog called Norman, who would know who you're calling?

What? Yeah, if you said like Norman at... Walkies, Norman, Norman Walkies I mean, none of the kids would know Yeah, but you kind of talk a little bit differently No, we speak the same to the dogs as we do to anyone else Maybe that's where you're going wrong Perhaps what we need to do from now on is speak to dogs in a very like babyish voice Like kind of a bit patronising way Like, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy then? Who's a good boy? Is you a good boy? You're a good boy Like that That is quite patronising, isn't it?

It is, but if we speak differently to the dogs That way, we'll know we're not talking to each other Let's face it, it's getting a little bit complicated, isn't it? You know, it's okay when it was just the family But, you know, since the brothers and sisters are all sleeping with each other And producing more babies And, of course, some of them are really good swimmers With those webbed toes Perhaps we should start using different names Because apparently Yeah, apparently what? Well, apparently in China They had the same issue What do you mean? Well, they all had the same surname Didn't have the same first name, but they had the same surname What was it?

It was Wing It was Wing Wing? Yeah, that was the surname Just like we're called Norman Our first names were Norman They had surnames that was Wing And it kind of didn't matter because they all had different first names What kind of first names? It's not important, we don't need to go into that But, you know, they've got their own different first names Boris Alexander You know Jeremiah Beyonce Jamal You know, just normal, just general names But they all had the surname Wing So, ok And So, what did they do then? You said that they solved They solved the problem how?

Well, they decided To introduce More than one surname Not double barrelled Because Even in a Silly Pointless Random Chat about nothing like this Double barrelled names Shouldn't exist, so, ok Well, that's a bit harsh, isn't it? No, it's just fact What have you got against double barrelled names? Even Andre doesn't like it So he just sneezed in contempt Wow, that's a bit harsh Yeah, I know He's very judgemental, Andre is So, can you tell me a bit more about, you know Wing, Mr and Mrs Wing, what happened there?

You said, well What they did is, they decided The whole country got together Had a referendum And They decided They decided To Basically Well, they were going to rent out a big Arena for everybody to get in And they thought Why can't we do this?

It's too many of us They said What do you mean it's too many? Well, just in the time it took to tell you That it's too many of us Another 4,000 have been born Wow, that's pretty impressive It's not just that there's so many It's numbers, isn't it?

It's And We couldn't figure out what to do To fit everybody into one space So that we could all kind of talk it out And come up with a solution So what we decided Well, they decided rather I was actually there at the time I was busy Knitting Some socks And For my goldfish And I just What they did is, they decided To use the TARDIS from Doctor Who You know what, something happened Which I didn't realise You know the TARDIS It's obviously small on the outside Well, it's not small, but it's like The size

of It's supposed to be the size of a telephone box Like a roadside emergency telephone box From the 60s and 70s But inside it's Infinite You know, it can basically It can fill infinite space There still wasn't enough room for everyone from China Well, it turned out there's more people living in China Than can fit In the universe Well, how is that possible?

That's the thing, no one knows how it's possible But apparently you could get A thousand Earths And there still wouldn't be enough room For all the people in China to live That doesn't even make sense What can I say Some things don't That's a good excuse Anyway They decided they'd just do it, you know Do like an online referendum instead Where people just Said, you know Gave a yes or no to the idea that they had Okay, well what's the idea? It's taking ages What was the idea that they had? What was the solution That they had For just having one name?

We used to have two names What, Double Barrel? No, I think we already established That Double Barreled names are wrong Okay, you've already got a bee in your bonnet About there, haven't you? Yes, I may have I don't have a bonnet I have lots of bees, but no bonnet Not a car, not a car I'm a kangaroo I'm not that either, I don't know why I said that So, okay, so they're going to Introduce a new surname As well as wing Okay I can't believe it's taken this long Just to get to the The end of this conversation What was the new surname?

So you've got wing, what was the new surname? Oh, they came up with Wong Okay So, that's good then, isn't it? They came up with And then what happened? Well, it was so successful That they I think they introduced a few more What other ones? What other ones, he said Trying to think of another Popular Surname Oh, I think the third one they came up with was Wang Oh, okay So it's, there seems to be a Are there any surnames that don't start with W?

Are there, yeah, they stay They like to kind of They like the later alphabet You know, rather than the early alphabet It's the later ones Because they're more sophisticated And they realise that Other countries aren't Really taking advantage Of The last few letters of the alphabet To start, you know, a surname So, Zing Was one Xiang was another one Tring That was a good one, Tring Are you sure you're not just making this up now? Possibly Possibly Sounds like it could be Tring Say, what other letters is there?

S-T-U-V Vera, no V-S-O-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z Y-Yang Yang is quite good And then they kind of Ying So it's very much the later alphabet Very popular As I say, it's due to the sophistication And Also because Most of the other letters of the alphabet Had been used up Really?

Yeah And then really, you know S Like in England, Smith That was used up A lot of Smiths Hundreds and thousands of Smiths But then, Sing That was used as well So Smith and Sing Very popular names Jones That's a very popular name Probably millions of people called Jones And Patel It's also a very popular name Millions Maybe billions of people Or other ones Adams That's quite a popular surname Brown Or B, what would be a good surname? Brown Very popular surname, Brown C Cassie C Chowdhury So Chowdhury is a very popular name It's millions of Chowdhurys, I imagine Millions of Smiths Millions of Browns Millions of Sings Millions of Roberts As a surname, Roberts What other ones would there be?

A, B, C, D D What would be a popular surname starting with D? Dickens But saying that, I've only ever heard of one person with that surname Yeah, so maybe Dreyfus? No, that's not It wouldn't be that popular, I don't think Dick D Did Dam, Dom Drum Drummond Mr Drummond Out of What are you talking about? Willis That TV show E What's a popular surname for E? A A Ellis Ellis Ellison or Ellis I imagine it's quite a popular surname For E F Frank Or Frankel Franklin Franklin Fornic Fornicate Not fornicator For Fae Fae Fee Fie Foe Thumbelina That'd be Feeble Not feeble I can't think of any others G Good I think good is quite a popular name Good George Some people have a first name for a surname, don't they?

Because George isn't really a proper surname But it's a first name But some people are called George for the surname Grapeseed No, that's probably not that Ginger Well, that should be with a J, not a G really Regardless of how it's supposed to be spelt If it's pronounced J Ginger It should be spelt with a J It's pronounced with a Spelt with a G It's Ginger Very silly Why? Why are there Gs? Gonorrhea Gon Gum Gummy Grumble Gamble Gobble I don't know, there's lots of different No, I've never heard of any, never met anyone What's your surname?

Imagine meeting someone Hi, nice to meet you You know, on a first date By the way, what is your surname? Oh, it's Gobble Alright So do you want to get the bill then? Shall we head off? Yeah, shall we go? Shall we go home now?

Gobble I like the word Gobble I've always been quite a slow eater So I don't really gobble I've not really been a gobbler I like to eat, I suppose apart from those times When I've eaten quickly That's usually when I've been hungry You know, but I do try and eat slowly Because I try to do everything slowly, really Apart from when I'm in a hurry Which I don't like I don't like to be in a hurry It's not really It's not really my thing Hurrying around You know I'm late, I'm late For a very important date No Yeah H Harrison Holmes Hitler Yeah, I suppose it's not that popular, is it, these days?

There are still people With the surname Hitler I mean, if you work At a call centre You'll hear a lot of surnames That you wouldn't think Actually existed There's one name There's a surname called Death Seriously D apostrophe E A T H And I think someone actually got sacked From a call centre Because they had a customer And I can't remember The first name, but the surname was Death And They were filling in a form, what's your surname? Oh, it's Death D apostrophe E A T H And I think The person working Called and said Oh, that's unfortunate Have you considered getting it changed?

And they were Sacked What other ones? What other names are there that are weird? That are just Shat I'm sure there's someone in this Shatner Remember that old Captain Kirk Shatner I've never known anyone called Shatner Apart from him Willy Shatner There was someone called Death The surname Titmiss As in Tit Miss T I T M I S S Titmiss Titmiss Brilliant name I should have changed my name Hello Thank you for listening to this recording My name is Jason Titmiss Brilliant I'm going to do that I'm going to change my name to Titmiss I suppose I could change it to Titmister H I I What's a good name for I?

What's a popular name for I? Iggle Ingle Ingle is the name, isn't it? Ingle Irregular I suppose that wouldn't be a word I H I J J Jones Very popular John Again It's not a proper surname It's a first name, isn't it?

John There's quite a few people Sometimes you have to call them Johns Like Vanessa on the end I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

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