#148 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (13th May 2019)

Hello and welcome to letmeboreyoutosleep.com My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

There's a little more of a background concoction due to me recording this at six minutes past two in the afternoon. This just means Andre's gonna be running around. I hope the wind is open because it's kind of like a summer day.

I'm not sure what day it is. I think it's the I don't know 12th or 13th today. I think it's the 13th today of May.

So it's Monday and it's the first summery day we've had for a while. Well, I don't know, probably really since the beginning of May. It's been a little bit chilly, been raining.

But it's like proper blue skies and from the looks of things it's a nice day. So Andre's just running around just to look in his bowl to see if he's got any dinner there. It's like he's only had his breakfast a few hours ago.

He literally had his breakfast about nine o'clock this morning. It's two o'clock now. Yeah, I suppose.

Yeah. Oh, great. So now he's decided to make love to his girlfriend while I'm making this recording.

I'll give you a visual. I'm not going to be graphic. I'll just give you a visual of what he's doing.

Oh, that's right. He's gone to a different... He's basically got lots of different girlfriends, the bottom half of their body, or the body rather. And he's got one head.

And I realise that could sound a little bit like a serial killer or something, but he hasn't got a head in the fridge or something, anything like that. He's got a slipper, an old slipper of mine, and that's the head of his girlfriend. And he bites onto that and it's just... That's just what he does.

And then he finds something soft to be romantic with. I'm going to use that term. It can be a crunched up carrier bag.

It can be anything. Yeah, a towel. He's got a towel that he likes, a favourite one that I'm never going to be able to use again.

He's got a little blue teddy bear that he likes to use as well. I've got some bedding that he uses that... I don't know why. I must have just put it down for him to sleep on.

It's actually my bedding, which needs to be washed. And I think he's... Yeah, I think he's ruined it. And also he's got... There's an old package he got from Amazon.

The outer wrapping package, he uses that. So I'm scared to go near that. And he's got a big snake that he occasionally... He does everything with because it's so long, he can bite it.

And so, yeah, I think that's part... I think, yeah, he does that. What else? Oh, there's carrier bags in the kitchen. I don't know if there's millions of did, but... Or for him, but he has a few carrier bags that are on the kitchen floor, just behind the freezer, or probably between the freezer, where the radio is, and the washing machine.

And he crumples them up. And then he shares his passion. It's one way of describing it.

Another thing that he does is he also uses my dirty laundry. So I've got a pile of clothes. It's not a big pile of clothes.

Sometimes it's a big pile of clothes, but it's not that big. And it's on the floor. And it's where I chuck me dirty laundry, whatever I've got, I chuck it over there on the floor.

It's out of the way. I don't just chuck it on the floor in the middle of the room, of the bedroom. Yeah, it's got its own little place.

And it hasn't got a sign above it with a little arrow down saying, smelly, dirty old clothes. Because that would be rude, I do feel. It's not their fault that they're smelly and old.

Just like it's not my fault that I'm smelly and old. I can't help it. It's all part of being old and smelly.

I don't know. So Andre, also, when I go to bed, it's one of the things I look forward to. I do talk about it sometimes.

I look forward to sitting down on my bed and taking off my socks, one at a time. And then what I do is, because normally I've talked about it, the experience and shared that with you. But the focus has really been upon the unveiling of the feet and the enjoyment of that particular process.

Or more the end result, really. The end result being my feet and my toes being in the air, just free. And do you remember that film about those lions? And I think it was in the 70s, the 1970s, that is.

Not the 1870s, because what I'm going to talk about was a film in the 1870s. I don't think that there was any such thing as a film back then. But then I'm not sure when did the moving pictures, the moving pictures, when did they begin? I don't know.

I'm not sure. I mean, Harold Lloyd, he was a long time ago. I don't know which one I like the most.

Buster Keaton, I'm sure there was one that was also good, but he wasn't as well known. I have to look this up on Google because I don't remember. So Buster Keaton, oh, there was someone that was quite, not as well known, but he did, you know, you should watch his films if you Google him, because you've probably never heard of him.

But he's very visual. I don't know. I'm not sure if he made any films with talking.

I'll just get a little bit of water. That's me with the lid. I'm playing with the lid.

The lid's already off. I thought you'd see a nice bit of visuals for you. I'm now going to put the lid actually on.

I am. Oh, it's quite difficult. The bottle is a little bit like my conversations.

Difficult to get the thread. Do you like that? Yeah. Very clever.

So who's the person? Oh yeah, the person, because you had Harold Lloyd, Buster Keaton. Oh, there was this other one. Oh, yeah.

Billy, not Billy Borstel. I was going to say Alfred Adler, but that's a psychotherapist. Adler, oh, he's good.

What did he focus on, Adler? Was it children? I'm not sure. I forget. I have to re-emerge myself.

I used to have loads of books on Alfred Adler. I can't believe I've forgotten. It was part of a training course, hypnosis course, actually.

Psychotherapy course I was doing. And I always say always, because nothing's always, or I have always, and there was a time when I didn't. So, but yeah, it's like I kind of have a tendency or have had tendencies that when I'm studying a subject, I go all out and buy lots of books on the subject.

Now, I haven't done that for a while because of my small library now compared to what I used to have. I used to have a, well, for me, I'd classed it as a brilliant library of books that I'd amassed since 1997, because I lost all my books up to that point, or 96. But yeah, I pretty didn't get much books between 96 and 97.

And then 1997, I probably only had a handful of books, and I decided to build up my collection. So I did what I'm also going to do on Wednesday when I get paid. Is it Wednesday or Thursday? Wednesday.

Wednesday, I'm going to go to the bookshop, and I'm going to buy a self-help book, or not so much, but like motivational book. And that's what I'm going to start doing, reading more of those kinds of books and help start feeding my brain with a bit more better stuff. You know? And I've read lots and lots over the years.

I hope that some of it comes out when I talk. I also had a big, big... I wonder if I say something, something that comes out. What if I read loads and loads of cookbooks? I'd just be talking about scones and measurements of sugar and flour, and how many eggs and how many egg whites go into that particular recipe, and what temperature, and how the temperatures change depending on what kind of cake you're cooking.

And sometimes the longer it needs to be in to lower the temperature is. Otherwise it cooks on the outside but not on the inside. I'd be talking about different types of pans to use so that the particular cake in question doesn't stick to that said pan or tray.

Yeah. I used to do baking at school. Well not baking, cake.

It wasn't just cakes, it was food as well. Yeah. In some ways it was the worst day of the week for me because some of my parents were incredibly lazy sometimes.

They used to say whatever I cooked on Thursday or whatever day it was, that's what the family was going to have to eat that evening. I mean it was bad enough for the rest of my family. I felt sorry for them.

I really did. It's like just... their hearts sunk when they saw what I'd brought home. It was bad enough for them.

It was worse for me because I knew what was in it, you know. I knew what ingredients were on in there and sometimes it would just be cakes so we'd be able to have like a proper food cooked for us at home. Or maybe that was a good day for a buffet and we'd have sandwiches which was... I didn't mind.

I quite like cheesy puffs and cheesy fingers. I don't really like flaky fingers. I used to make them at school as well.

And I quite like... I mean it wasn't called a buffet at that time but a buffet it was because it was a mixture of things to choose from but not at the scale of a wedding because when you got... I don't know, how many people did we have? We had the big bloke, we had the woman, and we had the oldest kid, the second oldest kid, me, and then the little one. So what was that? Six of us. So that was... it wasn't big enough for a wedding buffet.

I don't know. Wouldn't it be lovely if food just kept its freshness and there was always food. Always.

Just, you know, you're walking down the street you're thinking, you know what? I could really do with a sausage roll dipped in salsa or uh maybe tomato sauce or something. And then you just reach your hand out and near the table you know you look over and it's like, oh sausage rolls. And then you get a choice of other things that you may also like.

A bit like, you know, Amazon or some other shop, you know, when you buy something. Would you like this as well? Before you go to checkout, would you like this? Would you like this? You've got to go through about seven different things saying no, no, no, no, no, no. You know, do you want... would you like batteries? Of course I'd like batteries.

I mean, how else am I going to use it? Okay, I'll have it, you know, generally. Which it gets a little bit... but it's okay if it's food and it's free. That's different, isn't it? I suppose.

Yeah, Moon Pig do that. Yeah, Moon Pig, they sell cards. This isn't an advert for them but I have used them and they're good.

They do exactly what they say they're going to do. And I do kind of wish that... so I want to be in business. I want to make lots of money now but for fun.

But I like the idea... I want to be an anthropologist. I want to make billions but I want to... so I want to make billions of dollars or pounds really but, you know, I mean it'd still be dollars unless it was one billion dollars because then that's about, I don't know, that's not a billion pounds. So I want to make at least a billion pounds.

So I reckon 20, 30, 50 billion. That would be livable. I could live on that.

And then be an anthropologist. So I'd have like maybe 50 million in a bank which fully means I probably haven't... it'd be going up by probably 10, 15 million a year or a billion a year rather. And then I'd go around and I'd maybe share $10,000 a year.

So I'd be an anthropologist and I'd help people and perhaps have 10 people a year that I help. I help them to start a new business by giving them a thousand dollars each. I mean you think all those people's lives I could change.

I was sitting there in my castle of gold. So I would. I would.

I'd convert everything to gold. Everything would be converted apart from in the safe. Big safe.

I'd have gold bullion but I'd turn that into wood. But everything else would be gold. So the gold bullion would be wood.

Everything else would be gold apart from the toothbrush. Because gold bristles. But if not, I'm not worried about the hardness.

I just... oh my teeth go weird thinking about it. Oh it's starting to go well with my fillings. Charlie Chaplin.

That's the one. It's quite unknown. You might not have heard of him.

If you google it and you can have a check. He says... I don't normally go into like... I don't go into politics very often. I try not to you know because all that can be incredibly boring for those of those that us that get bored by it.

And another well another person. Basically Hitler. He's a bloke from the war.

That's the second world war. Because people talk about the war as if we're supposed to know there's been more than one war. And actually a world war to someone you know in another country just going through something.

It's the same for them as it is a world war. It makes no difference if the rest of the world are fighting. They've got bombs being dropped on their schools you know.

I don't know what kind of country would do that. Got bombs on schools and hospitals. Barbaric countries wouldn't it? Yeah.

Anyway Hitler saw Charlie Chaplin and thought now I like that beard. And he copied his beard and his politics. Originally Hitler was really into like comedy and stuff but got talking to Charlie Chaplin and he thought you're right.

We do need to do something about that. There's something in Charlie Chaplin he worked in Hollywood and he was going on about. I don't know.

He was just you know being a little bit verbal. A little bit judgmental. A little bit pointy you know.

Pointy. Pointing his fingers a little bit. They've got this and we've got that.

It's like yeah. Jealousy mate. Jealousy.

You know work hard. Work hard and you'll get what you want in life. Work hard.

Believe. Never give up. That's that's the thing.

As Gabriel. Peter Gabriel once said. Sledgehammer.

So it's. He was. He had this stick like a walking stick and a bowler hat.

I don't know why it's called a bowler hat because I've been to a bowling place. Hall is it? They call it a bowling hall where people go bowling and they they chuck the ball towards stittles and stittles. Skittles.

Skittles. Taste the rainbow. It's his skittles.

Stittles. Stencils. But basically they're these things that stand up and they're shaped like a bit like an alien.

Like E.T. or a very very slim person. Yeah. Oh no wait a minute.

No. A nice curvy but very much bottom heavy curviness and a little head on top. It's not really a head but it is it is a head.

But it's not a head. It's not a human. You know not or even an albatross.

Isn't it? Not that kind of head. Or a fish. Or a bear.

I was going to say or an umbrella. Over there. Because it rhymed.

You see. That wouldn't have fitted in with what I was saying. Sometimes I like to rhyme things.

It's like a hobby but something that I don't enjoy doing. You know that makes sense. I don't get any enjoyment out of it which is why I don't do it.

But other than that it's just like a hobby. I used to like watching. Is it the Keystone Cops? I think if I recollect correctly.

Key. Key. Stone.

Is it Keystone? Cops. Used to be full on action. Proper like from beginning to the end.

Uh chasing each other in cars and chasing each other out of cars and really really kind of and I think there might have been some music at the same time but that might have been someone else in the house just happened to be playing music when it was on telly. I can't remember. No.

But I used to quite like watching it. Harold Lloyd was. Harold Lloyd was one of my favourites.

But it was someone else. Maybe it is Buster Keaton. Buster Keaton.

No he was. There was someone else. I just can't remember the name.

You may be thinking Jim Carrey but no that's how this a few months before Jim Carrey. I actually fallen asleep. Hmm.

I should be getting my soundproof foam wall things. A hundred and twenty. Should be arriving soon.

Andre's just run out of his bag done a little sneeze and he's now lying on his back sneezing again and he's gone back to his bowl looking at me. Now he's about to climb up on me to say why is my why is there no food in the bowl daddy. Now he's sniffing my groin.

Is it wrong that it feels nice? I'm joking. He's. Hey hello boy.

Now he's licking my hand. He likes to lick that bit in between the finger and the thumb. You know a little bit of skin.

The bit that's webbed for some people. Hello honey pummy. Hello smelly belly.

Hello pooey huey. How you doing? Are you all right? He's got his little tongue out. He's happy.

Are you happy? Yes you are and you deserve you. It's right that you should be happy because you're the luckiest boy in the world. Not only have you got the best daddy in the world but you are the most beautiful little boy in the whole wide world as well.

Yes you are. You're the cutest cutest little ferret ever. You are absolutely beautiful.

Yes you are. You don't realize do you how beautiful you are. You've even got a cute little sneeze.

Even though I wish you wouldn't do it in my face but we'll talk about that later when we don't have to be nice to each other. You're the cutest little boy. Yes you is.

You easy whizzy whizzy. You easy whizzy whizzy. Yes you easy busy to pity.

I'm giving a little bit of cuddle a little bit of a stroke and he's happy just lying on my belly. Well he was but he's not now. I think you're embarrassed so don't tell people that I'm doing that.

And that bit about me sniffing your groin now that was inappropriate. Okay blimey. Is it wrong that I don't care that I'm inappropriate? Is that bad? I genuinely don't genuinely do not care because everyone's got their own idea about what's appropriate.

I happen to have no barriers. I have no no no lines no picket lines. No lines I shall not cross.

Very ultimate all freedom for me. I'm quite lucky I can do and say whatever I want. And some might be saying well no otherwise you'd be if you just didn't say everything you'd be in prison wouldn't you? I don't know because I don't want to do anything that would put me in prison.

I say and do what I want to say. I don't want to be horrible to people or do nasty things. If you could just do what you want you just tell yourself to stuff in shops and just walk out.

The shops wouldn't pay. No I actually do want to pay. It's a weird thing but I actually do want to pay money for things that I purchased in a shop.

I don't want to walk out without paying. Not any part of me wants to do that. That I think that struggle that's going to be a struggle for some people.

What do you mean you want to pay? That's not that's not normal. No I think it is. I think it's to want to walk out and not pay that's probably the less the less normal version potentially.

The idea is that well we can't do what we want can we otherwise you get in trouble. No no I do what I want. I don't get in trouble.

Never been arrested. Never been cautioned by the police because I use different names. I give a false name.

No I don't. Never been cautioned or arrested or anything and I'm not talking out of prideness. Oh look at me.

I've never been arrested because that's kind of the normal. Most people have never been arrested. You know it's there's a lot of people that have been arrested lots of times but there's more people that have never been arrested ever.

It's just not my thing. I'm not really into it. Arrested, arrested, dietation, arrested, dietation, whatever.

Arrested, dietation is not my thing. I like eating cake and mixing it with ice cream. Now you may say but hey Juicy JJ why have you just brought that up now? Why have you waited so long to tell us this? Useful and wildly exciting information about pudding and my answer to that is never thought about it as being particularly riveting but that's okay.

Some of the food I brought home from school oh that was just oh no it was it wasn't so good. It really wasn't. What's weird though is see my dad has never mentioned pretty much yeah as an adult he's never mentioned anything that I've done but I thought I did at school before I did it you know during growing up not at school because I didn't.

He wasn't at school with me. He wasn't hiding me in my bag taking notes. He you know he was there like living in the house I lived in.

As an adult he's never mentioned anything about me as a kid. I'm pretty sure he's just forgotten, forgotten you know apart from one thing. This was a few years ago well it's not that long ago but a while ago a while maybe last year and in a conversation with someone I was there yeah I think it was at my dad's and then we said let me say he said remember when you used to we used to have to eat your food that you cooked you know we're going back 35 years but he still he still remembers it.

He's been married about 17 times since and had most of the parts of his body replaced with robotics.

He's you know he had it's part of a test program to create astronauts that could travel to Mars without a spaceship so you know he's gradually they've been turned him into a I don't want to say the word because it's I don't want to sound prejudiced but a robot I said it he's a robot and sometimes my socks I put them on the floor and they're in a ball because I put them inside each other and Andre uses those as well and he said my dad said oh you've got this this thing he used to

come home with his arm you know and apparently because I'd be at home I'd have a piece of cling film over it right maybe tin foil and occasionally if the bowl was hot I would hire a dwarf or little person mini me I'm not sure what the correct term is and trying to be respectful so I don't know and I used to have one of them as a bought something as a joke and I used to carry him around and he used to blow on the on the food to cool it down for me and

in return I'd give him crumbs to eat sometimes and sing him a song like Michael Jackson for some reason heal the world you like that and my dad said oh didn't like that I said that what was wrong with him and my dad said no no there's nothing wrong with him the problem was and they went for it basically I would have the bowl pushed towards my chest as I was walking home it didn't live that long away you know it wasn't I was walking but it didn't take me five hours it was half an

hour 20 minutes he said the thing is that by the time I got home half of the contents of that bowl would be all over me so what my mom did instead of getting a bowl she just laid me on the table and the family would just eat off of my shirt while I was doing it or my jumper or whatever you know I've never been great at cooking rice so I bought a weight watchers well it's a similar kind of thing some kind of reduced weight food and it was a tikka masala thing I

thought you know what I forgot what I was talking about I literally fell asleep I'm struggling to stay awake so I'm gonna end this recording