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Hello and welcome to Let me bore you to sleep. My name is Jason Newland and please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes. So, just to give you an update.
I might have mentioned this yesterday, I can't remember. There are no longer any websites that I'm using. The only podcasts I have are the ones that are spread all around the different places.
So, the home for my podcasts are Spreaker. S-P-R-E-A-K-E-R. So I pay for that service.
But the podcasts are shared on Spotify, iHeartRadio, iTunes, CastBox, Stitcher, Podbean. There's so many, lots and lots. There's a huge long list of different podcast hosts where I am.
So, yeah. And apparently, according to the stats, I'm also can be found on Alexa. So it'd be really cool if you could test this out because I don't have Alexa.
So if you have an Alexa, maybe see if by just asking for, let me bore you to sleep, it comes up. Maybe you need to say my name as well. Not let me bore you to sleep.
My name as well. I mean, my name. I'm being very pedantic.
Did I tell you? I've ordered some soundproof foam for my walls. I've not got enough to cover the whole of the walls. But I think I've got 24 tiles coming.
And I ordered them on Amazon. So my plan is I probably should get them by Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday. Although they did say by the 7th of May, which is quite a long way off.
But who knows? Maybe it won't be May. Maybe it'll be earlier. I don't know.
But when I do get them, I've already planned that I'm going to put them on the right hand side of the chair on the wall. And then behind the chair on the wall there. And see if it... I don't know.
I want to get to the point where there's no sound other than just my voice. And I know there isn't that much sound other than my voice. And I've put Andre in his cage to do this recording.
So I'm now going to... Maybe not every time, but... It just... It was a little bit all over me yesterday. We also jumped onto the microphone, so I had to edit that bit out as well. So I had to go through it and... It's a bit annoying.
So these soundproof foams, they're basically for recording studios. So I'm going to have them... Hopefully, the plan is to have them covering the entire room, including the door. But they're black.
So I'm thinking I'm going to have to do something about that because otherwise it's going to be just a completely dark room. Which I don't really want. I've got quite big windows to let light in, but... I don't know, unless... Yeah, just... It's not that I want to look at white walls, which I've got at the moment.
But you can get different coloured ones. So what I might do is get the black ones relatively cheap. Four to start with.
Not four to start with, two to start with. Not two to start with, but... You know what I mean. Eighteen or however many I've got ordered.
And... I'm going to try and figure a way to cover up the left side of the chair. Because at the moment it's just all open. So I don't know how I'm going to do it.
But I'm going to figure a way. So, and then something on top. You know, maybe have it... Five foot high or something, so I can sit down in it.
And... Ideally, have it all blocked off. Just this little section of the room. For when I make recordings.
I did think about getting myself a shed. And I know that not many people have a shed in their living room. It's... It's kind of a... Possibly an unusual thing.
But I seriously thought about it. I'm still thinking about it. But it's going to take up... It's not going to be like a huge shed.
I'm not going to be... You know, making... I don't know, doing gardening and... Welding and... Things like that in the shed. Fixing bikes. I'm not going to be doing... It's not that kind of a shed.
You know, no one's going to knock on the door. So where's Jason? Oh, he's in his shed. I'll go and get him.
Just walk to the other side of the room. Jason. Your dad's on the phone.
I told him he was in your shed. And then I have to say, it's not my shed. It's my recording studio.
It looks like a shed to me. But it's a recording studio. Do you see any tools in here? He said, I see one big one standing in front of me.
Hey, stop being so rude. So I thought about getting a shed. A little one.
That would just be big enough to fit a chair in. Maybe not this chair. Because I quite like to get a quiet chair.
Not necessarily one that... Reclines either. I don't need that. Just a comfortable chair.
And then... Soundproof. It soundproofed the shed. And because it's less space, it'll take less money to soundproof it.
And also put soundproofing on the bottom as well. So hopefully... It'll be completely quiet. Silent apart from my voice.
Which is what I want, really. Although, although, although... I think there's something quite nice about having... A bit of background sound. In a sense of... It's less sterile, you know.
It's real. You're capturing a moment in time. Even if it is just the boiler gurgling away in the background.
Or Andre... Squirting out a big poo. In the corner, you know. It's all part of the magic.
I can hear him now. I think he can hear me. He's... I put him into his cage... Early.
It's now 1.45. I put him into his cage about half past nine. Because I was going to go to bed. Then I went to bed and I just... Didn't want to... I was just looking on a tablet and... I thought, actually... I'd like to make some more recordings, so that's what I did.
Plus I've been in bed all day, so I don't... Didn't need to go to bed early, I just... Thought it might make a change. I could go to sleep now, though. Actually, I made a... Deep sleep whisper hypnosis recording.
About an hour, an hour and a half ago. And I fell asleep while I was making it. I kept waking up.
So I was counting down from 100 to 1. And... Once it got down to about 30... I was really struggling to keep track of the numbers. And I think I did repeat a couple of numbers. Twice.
But... That would be repeating them, wouldn't it? So, yeah. So I... Hopefully no one will really care or notice that, but... I was so... Tired. When it got down to the last 10.
Because purposely I left more of a gap. As I got lower down the numbers. So I started from... 100 to... 99, no.
100 to 91. With a, there's still a gap of like... 100. 99.
98. So it was that kind of gap. And then each number... No, the next 10.
From 90... To 81. No, 90... Yeah, I don't know. 90 to 81.
There was a longer gap. Like 90. 88.
89. 88. So I was kind of, you know... Doing that and continuing that.
As I went down. And then from... All the different numbers were 80. What's the next one? 70.
To... 61. 61. So again it was... 70.
69. 68. And I was whispering the whole time as well.
And when I whisper... I know I talk softly when I do these. Because... I don't know, I find that... Yelling doesn't help people to sleep. You know, shouting... Wouldn't really... Quite do the trick.
But even... I don't even really speak at a normal... Volume that I would if I was talking to someone. Generally. I suppose because... I prefer this volume... To talk.
This is... My... I quite like this volume. It's kind of... I wonder how many more times I can get volume... Into this conversation. Volume.
Volume. Volume. So yeah, I quite like... This level.
It feels comfortable. It feels... Comfortable in my throat. It feels... That sounds weird.
It feels comfortable in my throat. Just on my throat. It feels... There's no strain.
So if I was talking loudly, then there'd be a... Bit of a strain, but... I'm not talking deeply, I'm just... But I'm not talking high either. I'm just... Maybe it's a little bit deeper. Really deep.
I can't do deep, really. I can do croaky a little bit. I do have... I think as I've got older, my voice has got a bit croakier.
Not croaky, but it's got more... Perhaps more character to it. Or maybe croaky is the right word. I don't think... I don't think I've... I don't think I've got a raspy voice.
Hello. Welcome to JasonDurek.com. I don't think I'm quite... I think gentle. Gentle is... I think it's important, really, to be fair.
Because this is supposed to be a gentle session. A gentle experience. As well as being slightly absurd at times.
A little bit silly. I talk about personal stuff, as you know as well, if you're a regular listener. I do open up, but I also tell lots of lies.
I make stuff up. But I also tell my deepest secrets to you as well. And I mix it all together so you've no idea what's what.
Ha ha. That's not quite that dark. But I like the idea of honesty.
I'm not saying I'm always honest, because clearly I'm constantly making stuff up, as I said, on here. But just... I think it's about being honest to yourself. And I like the idea of... You know, we all kind of, maybe, perhaps me less so, because I don't work at the moment.
But, you know, with jobs we have these kind of roles. And I'm talking about food, although I could eat a roll. I could eat a sausage roll.
Yeah, either a roll with a sausage in it, or a sausage roll. And I'd be just as happy with a vegan or vegetarian sausage. I don't care.
You know what? It's really weird. If I go out to a restaurant, my favourite part of the whole thing is the rolls, the bread rolls you get. Because they're beautiful.
And they're warm. And you get butter, little sachets of butter, which is really cheap. So I like that.
You know, sometimes you go into a restaurant and it's... I don't go into expensive restaurants, and I don't really go into restaurants hardly ever. But even in the past, during my life, because I've been around a while, I have been in restaurants. And I haven't been in many, like, top class ones, you know, expensive ones.
I'd like to go, because I embrace my superficialism. Superficialism, is that a word? I love the idea of going into a really expensive restaurant and being bought a lovely meal. Don't want to pay for it myself.
Don't want to go that far. I don't need it that badly. But I'd love to do that, just go somewhere, just... go somewhere beautiful, some beautiful restaurant in a wonderful hotel.
So if any of you want to take me out for lunch, it really... I won't expect anything. It really is just pay the bill and I'm happy. Pay for my food, free food is all I ever need.
I'm happy without free food, especially in a restaurant. But, you know, even supermarket food is... I like free stuff. It's not because I'm tight.
I just... I like... I've lived on my own for so long. Having someone else cook for me proper, like, nice food is a treat. And it doesn't happen very often.
It's really, like, twice a year maybe, unless I go to the Wimpy. But that's not really the same. But bread rolls.
I went on this course and it was... when I was counselling for a living, when I, you know, self-employed counsellor, I... I went on this course and it was a special training course that lasted for... I think a week or two weeks, I forget. I think it was... yeah, it might have been five days. And it was in a hotel.
It's... funny enough, it's in a hotel that's just near where I live now, but at the time I didn't live anywhere near it. It was a heck of a walk. It was a long, long way.
And... after the first day I managed to get lifts and, you know, get back and forward. But the first day I walked up there and it was, wow, it's a long way. I wonder if I'll ever live near here.
And I went in there and they... as you go into the hotel grounds, they've got these signs either side saying what it is. And then these banners, these big, like, wooden banners, either side as well, on the grass. Sometimes they're just bare.
I don't mean that there's not a picture of a bear. I mean they're just... there's nothing there. It's just like a white board.
Not like a white board that you write on, like in a school or in an office. Like I say, or a betting shop, but I don't know if they still have those boards in betting shops. Everything's computerised, I imagine.
I wonder if they still have the little betting slips that you'd fill in and you'd hand it over and... you had to be smoking in order to hand it over, I think. I don't think you was allowed in betting shops unless you smoked. It's always used to be a pub next door so people could spend their winnings or... go in after losing everything and feel sorry for themselves.
You know, which is... I never used to bet. I had bet. But I never got into it.
And I think I was lucky because in life I'm not lucky regarding my brain when it comes to numbers. And I don't know if I've not been diagnosed officially with any kind of dyspraxia or anything, but my brain switches off. I think that's why I struggle a little bit when I count down.
It's not that I don't know what comes up after 93 or below 93. I can count. I've never tried to count continuously to see how many numbers I could get to.
You know, just... But I know numbers. I can do add-ins, subtraction. You know, just the basic stuff to a degree.
And then I'll... I'll use a calculator. But even when I've got all the numbers written out... So when I'm doing the stats for the month for the podcasts on Spreaker. So, for example, January this year, 2019, I had 26,258.
February 2019, I had 31,534 downloads. In March last month, 2019, I had 39,158 downloads. And so far, the downloads I've got since November is about 130,000.
So it's growing. It's quite a nice little number. And... But in order to get those stats, I had to write down each day and then add it up on a calculator.
Sometimes it takes me three times to get it. It's not that I get the number wrong. It's that I just lose track of where I am.
Because when I look at a bunch of numbers, my brain starts... It's like that part of my brain goes to the toilet, just has a lot of toilet break. I don't mean just goes to the toilet there and end it. But whatever part is responsible for that part of my brain seems to just go on a break whenever I need to use it.
Oh, Jase has got a calculator out. Dinner time. You know, it just goes off.
It's like I've got something left on my own. Using the part of my brain that's devoted to tap dancing. And cleaning pipes.
It's like, oh no, I just need that part of my brain working. But it just doesn't seem to. I'm at peace with that.
Kind of. And... Again, I've no idea how I got here. There was a reason for this.
Adding up stuff. It's all to do with bread rolls, really. I love bread rolls.
Absolutely love bread rolls. I'll tell you this. It's a story.
It's a bread roll story. So this rest, this hotel, it's... It's alright. You know, I had a friend stay there once and it's okay.
It's a nice enough place. The restaurant is... Yeah, it's okay. Yeah, we had nice dinners every day when I was in there doing the course, the counselling thing, week-long thing.
And... It was actually... The course was on depression. And you know what they said? The first thing they said, what's the worst, what's the hardest thing you have to deal with, with clients? And I said, depression. And everyone started laughing for some reason.
But it is. It's... You don't have any of the really other serious stuff without depression. Someone is just so... I can't go into that.
It's... such a difficult subject. And it's something that needs gently, a bit of gentle love, a bit of gentle changes. Slow, gentle, kind changes.
No idea why I'm just making it up as I go along. I don't know. I must have learnt something on that course.
All I can remember is the bread rolls. Apparently the course cost about, for each person, about £2,000 or £3,000. Didn't have to pay anything towards it.
But if we didn't do it, we couldn't continue working for them. It was mined. So they're a really big charity to help people with mental health issues.
And they also helped me as well with my... when I had issues with bipolar a few years back. They kind of helped me out and also signposted me. Sort of gave me a few, a little bit of help at the bread rolls.
So we all... I remember we were all sitting on this long table and a few of us were sitting with each other, I suppose, just like normal. Like being at school, isn't it, or in prison. I suppose you sit next to the people that you know, don't you? And... I was sitting there and the bread rolls came out.
The dinner wasn't ready yet though. The thing about bread, the thing about bread is I'm not a big fan of bread. Kind of... I do like bread.
Like fresh bread. But I think once it's... once it's past a day it's... not quite as fluffy and... I love the smell of bread, fresh bread in the oven, it's lovely. But I don't bake my own bread because you can buy it in shops and it's just easier.
I'm saying you can buy it in shops like you wouldn't know but you really can. And... apparently what estate agents used to do in the old days, I don't know if they still do it, they probably don't have time. They used to... before people came round to view the house or the flat or apartment or whatever they would put bread crumbs on a baking tray and put them in the oven.
So basically they'd crumble up a couple of slices of bread and just put them in the oven. And the aroma of the bread crumbs made the house smell wonderful. Probably apart from those that have yeast issues.
I don't mean like yeast infections but... I don't know, I don't know what the thing is if you don't... some people can't eat bread, can they? I like toast but bread rolls and... I don't know what it is about restaurant bread rolls but they're just perfect. I don't like bread rolls generally. I don't go into I don't know, supermarket, Tesco or Sainsbury's or Neymar, Neymar a supermarket, you know, where you are, I don't know.
Because I imagine because you're from all around the world so you can have different supermarkets in Mexico different named supermarkets in Russia Portugal, France, Spain Canada, Australia you know, because people from all over the world listen to this and it's weird to get your head around it sometimes it's like, wow you mean when you go out of your house and you turn left there's no post box? No, because I live in a different place, there's no post box there. Wow! You mean you don't walk through the park and there's a petrol station? No, I live near a beach.
It's like, wow, it's like getting my head around other people's lifestyles it might seem a silly thing but it's just I guess not everybody lives near a supermarket and some people, maybe if you live in a big country like Russia or Canada or America Australia pretty much every country other than England England's one of the smallest countries in the world but, you know, land size but, you know, travelling about half an hour or an hour to get to the supermarket in your car I don't have a car but then I don't live in America or
Russia not that that really matters but I had a friend once and I was seriously considering moving in with him, like, to his area maybe, you know, lodge, sleep in one of his rooms and then maybe get my own place, get a job, you know this was quite a few years ago and he said to me you can't live around here without a car I said, what do you mean?
He said, you can't live around here without a car so I visited him just around the corner, I mean, we're literally a five minute walk around the corner was a row of shops, post office, video shop you know, news agents and then another three minute walk was a massive supermarket OK, well, I don't need a car to get food I don't need a car to buy stamps I don't need a car to buy a newspaper I don't need a car to rent a DVD even though DVD rental shops don't exist anymore not in this country
as far as I know they're like dinosaurs I wonder if in a few million years it'll be like a dinosaur summoner like, dig up an old blockbusters store and I'll be, like, walking in, it's like look at all these things on the walls they've got pictures on them, these little what are they?
Plastic covers with pictures and these bags of popcorn as well, near the counter wow, and this is a box set section I wonder what a box set is a set of boxes, I suppose I wonder where the boxes were kept I don't know a blockbuster?
perhaps it was a religion wow, we've found an old religion maybe this could be the salvation no, maybe not I don't think there were blockbusters there there was just, like, an independent video shop the thing is they were called video shops even though in England, pretty much I'd say from 2004 you pretty much couldn't get videos anymore in video shops you know, they had a few left before that but they went to DVD long before but they still kept the videos around for people like me that didn't have a DVD player and I could have
easily got one I could have bought one easily, I don't know why I didn't I don't know, just it's like learning a new technology it's like learning a new language but it's nothing like learning a new language though, is it?
so what I did in 2004 I was actually in blockbusters and there was this thing behind the counter it might not have been behind the counter it might have been near the counter but there was this television with a DVD player connected you know, sort of underneath the screen and it wasn't big but then I was only living in small rooms so I didn't really need a big television but it still cost, like, £150 or something I was like ah ah and as 95 or 97% of all of the films were on DVD I decided
to make the change and at that point I'd already given away my big video collection because, probably in 2003 because during 2002 and 2003 I was buying lots of videos generally I'd buy the 3 for £10 from HMV or Virgin although I don't think Virgin's around anymore I don't mean Virgin's although I'd never met one I wonder if they're a myth so yeah, I think DVH what's it, MPV MHV, MVH, HMV they, I'm not sure if they're on their way out as well but I used to go in on a Saturday afternoon always at the
end when the shop was closing and I'll be honest making decisions has never been my biggest quality let's say, my best quality you know, I'm constantly changing my mind about stuff just how it is, it seems but I think it is no, it's not sometimes it's all the staff would be waiting to go home and I'd still be there and they wanted to cash up the till but they couldn't cash the till up until they took the money from me and again, back then most transactions, or at least a lot more transactions were money than
they are now I'd say probably majority of transactions in retail are probably made on card now plastic that's a guess, I don't know if it's true I think it probably is though but I used to wait and I'd end up buying, I don't know, maybe 12 videos or 6 videos just trying to think of ways, things to spend my money on because I didn't have any internet at the time I couldn't get a phone because in 2000, between September 2001 well I don't know, end of September, end of 2001 till February, I don't know, March
2004 I was living in a place that didn't allow telephones inside the, because it was like a YMCA place and because the address wasn't recognised there was a lot of homeless people living there and for some reason BT refused to put a phone line in so I had no internet for the first time in I don't know, a couple of years when I first started getting the internet, probably 99 2009, 2000, 99, something like that I still didn't have, and then I got the internet eventually eventually BT allowed me to get the internet in 2000
probably, yeah, end of 2003 I had it for a while and then I moved out I think, I think I got the internet in the new place I moved into, I'm pretty sure I did but I don't know if I did or not also I think BT wouldn't give me a phone because I owed them money I forgot about that, yeah they were sending me bailiff letters it's good to forget stuff isn't it so I paid that, I paid it off but I think they not that they weren't impressed, I don't think there was any
personal emotions involved in it but, I don't mean in it, but in it, in it not like, it's cold, in it and so I did get the internet back but then I moved out of there see I can't remember having the internet in 2004 but I must have done, surely I had it at work, because I was working in a retail little gift shop during 2004 until, what was it, about August time and then I got a job in insurance I must have had the internet really can't remember I know that I had a room,
it didn't have any heating at all no radiators it was a fair sized room I remember my landlord came in one day to collect the rent and he came in usually I try and pay him in the kitchen because we had a kitchen right at the top of the house because it was quite a big house I was at the top and I think there was, how many rooms was there one, two one, two, one, three, four there was six rooms so you go into the, if you go into the front of the house you
have to go up the stairs, up the steps oh there was also a flat downstairs like in the basement, but that was separate it was still owned by the same man but you have to go up the steps go in, it's a big old house and the first two rooms downstairs you have to go in, walk up because I got to know the people that lived there walk straight ahead and then turn right to one room and go straight ahead into the other room you couldn't just walk in because it was their rooms but as
I said I got to know, I got friendly with the people that lived there and then walk up the stairs I think, yeah, there was a kitchen downstairs that might have been to the right yeah, as you walked in to the right there was a kitchen so that was a kitchen then upstairs on the second floor I never understand, is it if you're on the ground floor the next floor is the first floor isn't it but for me the first floor should be the ground floor anyway, up the stairs, the next level there was two
rooms one on the left then walk up a little bit, turn right and then on the left hand side was another room I got on really well with him and then when you come out of his room, turn left come out of his room, straight ahead was the stairs that went round, that went up to my place to my level but if you come out of his room, turn left and there's the bathroom so there was only one bathroom for the six people but there was on the stairs going down the first set of stairs
going up on the left hand side there was a toilet so there was a bathroom that had a toilet in it not in the actual bath but they were separate with a sink which was also separate and the toilet was you know, on its own as well so there was at least two places to have a dump or whatever you wanted to do in there have a sandwich and you go upstairs I think they turned round the stairs were kind of twirly not twirly stairs but you know, they went up and then they turned round
a little bit and went up again and you get up the stairs my door was the first on the left there was another room next to me which was so if you come out of my room directly ahead was the kitchen, our kitchen before we got to the kitchen on the left hand side that was my neighbour, it was his room so I got on really well with him as well and we basically there was no rules about who used which kitchen other than the obvious is us at the top would use the top kitchen,
that made sense but then kind of anyone else could as well but my friend who was downstairs so if you go down the stairs and basically you just walk across and knock on his door go in he had his own kitchen counter with cupboards and all that stuff so he used to make food and he had a microwave and a kettle and all that stuff so he used to make his own food and stuff in there because I think what he said is when he moved in he had he had, I think he was, he'd
been left a little bit of money, like a few grand and he spent it all on the room got a nice carpet, a new bed and he decided he was just going to stay there forever, you know and he may still be there, I don't know I kept in contact with him when I moved out for a few years actually and then as time goes by I've stopped caring as time goes, but it's just like normal isn't it, time goes by and we just I moved out of the town, I don't go back to that
town hardly ever every few years really now it's 20 minutes on a train, it's not even very far but it's too far for me maybe I did need a car even if the supermarket was round the corner from my friends maybe I did need a car to get there I don't really think about it I actually won a microwave at work it was like a sales competition and I won a microwave I mean I can count on my left foot the amount of things that I've won in my life when it was once years ago
I went to a pub when I was probably 17, 18 and someone says, do you want a raffle ticket?
and I said, what? he said, do you want a raffle ticket? I said, a raffle ticket? he said, yeah I said, why are you sounding like that? he said, what do you mean? like what? I said, don't worry he said, what's it for?
and basically I won't go through because that's going to hurt my voice I talk like him basically they had pre-recorded old horse races from years ago and you just had to bet on them who's going to win and it was on a telly and they just showed a video a video recorded thing and they played it and you know it gambled by picking a horse I suppose that's what I did so I got a ticket my horse was called Big Bum Jelly Belly I don't know, something silly like that and the thing is, I was
busy I didn't have time to wait around for the match or for the race so I said, OK, well I'll get it because it's for charity and you could win there was a few prizes you could win a pack of burgers miniature hovercraft you know, general things you get in that kind of stuff a really really tatty Santa Claus beard where the elastic was actually broken but they said we can get a new elastic for an extra cost of £5 I was like, OK so there was a lot of weird things just like stuff that
you'd think, well that's kind of normal but at the same time do I really want it?
is it really worth the 50 pence that I'm paying for this ticket?
but it was for charity I wasn't that emotionally invested in the whole thing I think there was a big bar of chocolate I quite liked the look of and it might have been during Easter period and there might have been a big Easter egg with little chicks all around it I'm not going back to the 50s and saying it's chicks it's women I'm talking little yellow chick chicks but they might have been made of chocolate but they might not have been they might have been just decorative but it was covered in plastic so it was
a big old thing probably the size of my head and I quite fancied the idea of that thank you very much oh yes I've always been partial to a bit of chocolate I'm not going to lie I just really like chocolate I do I do so what happened I went out did something I can't remember what it was I probably had to go and do a paper round or something and someone else was in the pub with me at the time they stayed in the pub and then I saw them later and they said you've
only gone and won I said what?
he said you've only gone and won I said won what?
he said I don't know well that's kind of anticlimactic really isn't it if you told me I'd won and then you say I don't know what it is he said well you've just got to go and take your ticket in and collect your prize so I went in thinking that I'd probably won the little little marshmallow smurf or whatever it was and they said oh you've won the whiskey this big bottle of whiskey they gave me I was like wow so I was really pleased with that I said I don't drink whiskey I had an
experience of whiskey when I was very young and no never ever again ever am I saying that though I I'm partial to a little bit of Jack Daniels every now and then but not whiskey whiskey I know it is technically whiskey but that's nice normal whiskey is like scotch and oh yeah bells and all the different yeah no not for me and but I had this so basically I gave it to my dad I think for a birthday present but my birthday is not for three months son I said yeah so do you want me
to bring it back in three months then he said no it's ok I'll take it now so yeah so that's one thing I won what else have I won no didn't win anything no so I won this microwave I think that's the only other thing I've ever won and I was like wow and I carried it home and I lived just around the corner because if I'd lived too far away I probably would have just said keep it because I don't like to put any energy into anything really but I lived around the corner literally
five minute walk the hardest part was walking up all the stairs but you know I did it and I put the microwave down probably every three or four steps it wasn't heavy at all but just on principle and I don't like to sweat I don't like to you know start no it's not right anyway I got it upstairs put it in the kitchen there was already a microwave there but I decided to use my own microwave because the other one looked like they'd been doing human experiments in there so I was like no it really
did look like both the bathroom and the toilet were in use and someone needed to go it's just like no I just wouldn't go near it so I started using my microwave and I told my friend who lived next to me, he lived in the the room next to me we got on really well I said you can use my microwave if you want just make sure that you clean it out afterwards and he said no I said what?
he said no he said I do not agree to your terms I said well I'm letting you use my microwave he said yeah and I appreciate the offer but I refuse to be signing away my rights as a free individual to terms that I can't abide, I cannot stand the terms you've given to me they are not acceptable to me on any level I said I just want you to make sure you don't make it dirty he said no of course it's going to get dirty, I'm going to be putting food in there it's going
to get dirty you put stuff in the microwave it pops and spurts everywhere I said are we talking about the same thing he said yes, microwave I thought he had maybe gone off track there for a bit he said stop being so rude to me bad enough that you're trying to push me into signing some contract that I don't want I said I'm not trying to get you to sign a contract he said well put the contract away then I said ok, you don't have to sign anything I'll put the contract away just just don't
let it get too messy that's all he said no, I disagree well it turned out that he was the one that was using the other microwave, so I was kind of quite happy that he didn't want to use mine and that's when I discovered the joys of porridge now I've had some bad experiences with porridge I'll tell you about it another time because that's a whole hour that's a whole session on its own it really is, trust me I used to work in an old people's home, a residential home as a cook and that was
a very difficult two weeks of my life it really was it was difficult for everyone involved really anyway I discovered that by putting the milk in a bowl and putting the porridge oats in the bowl to a certain level on a certain temperature for a certain amount of time I played around with it but I got it just right and it came out absolutely perfect absolutely perfect and I was so happy with it and then I moved somewhere else and I left the microwave there because I couldn't be bothered to lift it and carry it
downstairs so I do believe that's all there is to say on the subject hopefully you're being nice and bored I've been licking my lips tonight for some reason it's not a weird thing really, they're my lips if I want to lick them I'll lick them so my mind went somewhere else then so I'm going to go and I shall be back again tomorrow tomorrow with another episode of let me bore you to sleep bye bye bye
Paragraph spacing and recurring name or title errors have been tidied. Because this began as a voice transcription, an occasional word or piece of punctuation may still be incorrect.