#137 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (27th April 2019)

Hello and welcome to let me bore you to sleep. My name is Jason Newland. Please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes.

So just let you know you can gain access to these recordings, this podcast, on lots of different podcast hosts such as Spotify, iTunes, Apple podcast, Spreaker which is the where it lives, that's the home, Stitcher, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, CastBox, I can't think of any others but yes loads loads of more as well, Podbing and also just to let you know that there are, I do have other podcasts as well.

Yep this is another advert on top of the adverts that you may have heard at the beginning but these are just to let you know I've got about 33 podcasts on like separate different podcasts on Spreaker and as well as these regular let me bore you to sleep recordings I also do deep sleep whisper hypnosis recordings pretty much daily at the moment and also got a hypnosis or sleep hypnosis weekly sessions that I do and I do one new one every Friday.

I've just recorded one for over an hour, it lasted about 70 minutes and I've got yeah so I've got a few sleep sessions, sleep podcasts so my intention is to try and do one every day but I feel a bit rough today so I'm not my voice a little bit croakier than normal and I might have to have a couple of days off or I don't know we'll see I'm not too worried.

I don't even know what number this is, it's 130 something. See if I don't make a recording for a few days there's plenty to choose from. You could say it was boring listening to stuff you know that I've already heard.

It's supposed to be boring, it's supposed to be that's the point kind of. I went out today and I didn't go into town but I walked up to the shops. One of my neighbors knocked on my door while I was watching a movie this afternoon and I needed to go and get some cat food for Andre because he's now getting through two packs a day and normally he has one pack a day and he's just he's got a you know hunger and he's had two walks as well.

I took him for a big long walk and then he went for a short walk this evening which again I think made him hungry. Plus I gave him some of my dinner as well just a little bit so he's I don't think he's got worms which is the first thing you think isn't it I suppose if you if your child is hungry. Not my child must have worms but he's he seems happy enough.

I think I'm gonna have an early night tonight although it's quarter to one in the morning so it won't be early early it will be early. Technically it's early in the morning. All this yawning is making my eyes water.

I don't know how much sleep I got last night. I'm not sure. I said that like someone just asked me the question didn't I? I don't know.

I don't know how much sleep I got. What I meant to say is I don't know how much sleep I got last night. More of a statement but came out as an answer.

I find it weird sometimes when I'm talking and the volume changes. I don't mean it to. I was like talking I'm not gonna give a demonstration here but it's like suddenly like not shouting but I don't know as if I was trying to talk in a helicopter that kind of level.

One of my favorite things to do when I was in a nightclub or at a disco when I was younger. A lot of things happened when I was younger. Oh everything in fact and I was at this one of my favorite things was to wait till the music stopped and then shout out the end of some pretend conversation.

You know just I'm trying to think of an example but you know let's say there's music. What is it? Disco is a dancer doo-doo-doo-doo dancer or I don't know whatever the music was at that time and then the music would stop and I'd shout out and she'd never seen and she said she'd never seen anyone that big before and it's just something silly like that and I couldn't help myself. I just it's just the silliness in it.

Another thing I used to like to do and I did it with a few females when I was dancing with them in the past you know I'd be listening to a song and I'd be dancing not like slow dancing although I'd never let me do anything fast. Well one thing but it doesn't matter because I'm okay I got what I wanted You know what I used to be really considerate when I was younger I was so considerate when it came to intimacy with a girlfriend or whatever and you know there's pretty much nothing I wouldn't do to to please her to keep her happy.

I mean well maybe not outside of the bedroom but inside the bedroom and I clearly yeah I wasn't always the best boyfriend I don't yeah I'd love to say I was the best boyfriend but I if I was the best boyfriend I'd have a girlfriend wouldn't I and I'd have a relationship that lasted more than three hours and I used to really really put a lot of effort in and then I got to the age of yeah probably 30 maybe 29 and my effort level went down by about 80 percent I just didn't didn't just

for some reason I don't know I just didn't didn't want to put any more effort in and I don't understand why that's weird isn't it I just became lazy I became a bit lazy and I just became slow at everything you know as I am with everything else and I just didn't or maybe became reverse with that because I just I'll tell you what it was it was there was a line for a comedian called Sam Kinison and oh this is turning to I don't want this to turn into a an adult version of a

let me bore you to sleep so I'm not but I'm just saying he said something about I can't say but anyway I kind of even though he was a comedian I took I took that on board and it worked out quite well for me and so basically it basically put the other person first and yeah that makes sense but as I said that stopped when I hit 30 and I started putting myself first and then I hit 40 and I started just not putting anyone first I just I just yeah I can't even remember what

it's like to have a girlfriend and what is it like it's uh the last girlfriend I had like dating like regular dating although yeah she was from where was she from Romania yeah so there was a bit of a language barrier and I mean she was brilliant English there was some I guess there was some culture differences and there was because I'm pretty much just a verbal person and she you know she wasn't able to or didn't want to elaborate on some of the things that she was saying you know it's like okay so this

happened I mean she was at dinner and she said oh I had uh said that she'd been ill when she was younger and I said okay go on then well not go on like challenge and I don't believe you but I said okay and I was interested and that she would that was it she wouldn't tell me anything else I was like what is it herpes is it you know just and that bugged me a little bit because I'm really interested in what other people say so when isn't it weird how the word really and

rarely sounds so similar yeah so far apart in meaning oh he was in this rest it's not really a restaurant it was like a Frankie and Benny thing like an American style eatery thing and it was you know nice food in there and I've been in there a few times with different people but we went in there with her and what was weird is there was another female on a different table but I couldn't I just I wanted to look at her and I don't know why she just had see I don't I'm not into

tattoos at all but she was covered in tattoos and I was just somehow kind of mesmerized by her and not I'm not even into tattoos I've got one tattoo and I told people it's a birthmark they said you got birthmark in the shape of a flag I said no I think it's not a flag it's a dragon but I was worked in a nightclub and wear short sleeve shirts and stuff and I was quite slim at that time so I could get away with wearing shirts and t-shirts and stuff and the it's weird though you

know because back then I was I felt that I was too skinny and I'd wear a t-shirt and I'd try and I wouldn't touch to I wouldn't tuck the t-shirt into my trousers because then everyone could see how slim I was and I didn't want that so I would have it loose in the hope that people would think that the air the space between my belly and the t-shirt which would sometimes be a few inches was actually my stomach and now it's the opposite you know I just I'm hoping that people think that it's just

really windy underneath my t-shirt and that's why it's bulging out but it isn't it is really my belly mind you I've joined the gym still only been once but I think I'm gonna try and go maybe the weekend I just need to get myself some boxing gloves because the gloves they've got there are not very good so I need to oh look at this I'm watching telly I'm not really watching it but it's it's on fire not on vibrate it's on um not a telly anyway it's it's on mute and they're just showing this vibrated

uh board and you stand on it and apparently it burns fat wow it's called power fit eight week challenge she lost 4.

8 kilos 4. 8 kilos that's quite low isn't it I think 4.

8 kilos nah it's not that much is it I can lose a kilo going to the toilet I actually was I'm 100 kilos I was 101 and I went down to 100 last time I was at 99 and I don't think I really look that much different from when I was 91 um 101 so two kilos I'm not sure if it's really that much I don't know maybe maybe it is maybe like it's two kilos not much but then you say okay let me drop two kilo weight on your toes then you let me know

if it's a lot or not a one kilo bag of sugar that's a big bag of sugar isn't it it's two kilos and a bag of sugar is quite heavy I don't mean that I can't lift it but it's you know it's not it's heavier than a smaller bag this is really weird because they're showing this vibrate thing and they're also showing it in slow motion isn't it interesting how the only people they show are slim people they're all these slim good-looking people on this thing mind you one of them's got wobbly armpits but then

everything's wobbling oh no they have got a they just showed us yeah um wow so I'm just looking for something there I think it'd be a bit disturbing for the neighbors though to have something vibrating like that imagine what the neighbor would think the whole ceiling vibrating oh we clearly got the butt plugs arrived then the vibrating butt plugs like what I'd never buy anything like that and if I did I'd return it get the money back it's not what I thought it'd be well what did you think it was gonna be mind you I

suppose if it if you don't like the feel of it you could just use it to whisk up milk and stuff couldn't you make cakes because it's pretty much like a whisk isn't it well you have to clean it first of course oh yeah that's the thing isn't it oh you can put it underneath the chair that's quite good isn't it so you burn fat lose weight improve your muscle and other things so I didn't have time to read those out attention S rated for slim sexy body S rated like a movie slim strong sexy

body it's an oscillation system it's quite funny actually because they've got like this older man and he was bending over with his forearms on the machine and his left hand was on there but his right hand was wobbling around it looked like he was masturbating in the visible scribble now they've got oh now they're showing black and white footage of people using doing an old-fashioned exercise like running or weights to make out that it's that's ancient because putting black and white oh now that same bloke that was doing a squirrel was back on there it

was he seems to be enjoying it too much and it's got a built-in computer 99 speed levels wow that's what you got to do and you end up with a six-pack perfect body I wonder how much it is and I've gone back to the black and white like dieting and working in a gym and you know that's not good you've got to use kickstarter and powerfit it's about five foot tall I can't believe what they did there they showed an amazon yeah a screenshot of an amazon page because they're charging £299.

99 for this plus £8. 95 delivery oh no free free delivery in the UK and £299. 99 they showed a screenshot of an amazon page listing I don't know if it was that or similar product for £3,900 okay you can find stuff on amazon that costs thousands of pounds you can find a book that you can buy for 99 pence and you can also find if you keep searching for the same book you can find another seller selling it for 700 pound it doesn't mean that that's the normal price for it you know you can buy this book for just £98 it would cost you £700 on amazon or 99 pence if you went elsewhere to a different page on amazon 4.

8 kilos that's the eight white that's how much they keep repeating it though because I'm seeing it without the sound oh that was good they showed it oh black and white again jogging weight lifting falling off a ball holding a belly trying to eat healthy food now it's colour and it's slim in bright colours with muscles now that's hypnosis that my friends is proper you know using all the techniques or the getting the emotions going getting the because it happened to me the other day it was watching off I do like her oh okay I'll

move on um I was watching a late night this program now I'll be honest with you sometimes I watch it and I just can't take my eyes off it it's hypnotic eight week challenge she lost seven percent of her fat and she can now do activities with her children it makes a difference she said eight week challenge tighter firmer waistline three minutes a day and an eating program or they put that in small letters power fit oh they got a woman's just sitting in there doing nothing but just sitting as if would that I don't

know if that would do would that do it if you just sat on it you might as well just sit on a washing machine or tumble dryer that would kind of do the same thing really wouldn't it I've heard some people enjoy sitting on a tumble dryer oh they've got one now they're saying you can add things like these stretchy things you can do pull-ups with so you can exercise your arms at the same time you can follow muscle contractions well yeah people take tablets not to have that stuff don't they the thing is I

go before and after pictures and she looked fine before you know I can't really see much of a difference she looked you know it burns fat tone muscles improves balance increases density or destiny something oh he's back again he's happy he's smiling and you can move your legs apart as well on it so and they've got bits where they're just leaning on it on I'd have got a picture of the fat the fat and the muscle wobbling and shows you how it you know burns it off full body system they've got a woman look like

she was farting by her swimming pool who's like bending down there's a lot of uh shivering buttocks on this like men and women just it's very bright vibrational and you can get it from jml direct. com apparently looks quite good oh they've got the man there but he's he does look slimmer afterwards and they've got like man really muscular man so they're expanding they're showing the same ones but then they're they're showing new people every now and then I'm kind of thinking we'll bring Kate back on I want to see Kate again what I want to see Georgia I want Kate not Bob Kate okay Tom can stay but Kate Kate and Tom they're all right okay Georgia Georgia's fun I used to know someone called Georgia and I think she liked

me this is a long time ago this is 2001 and I was really shy oh that's that bloke with a squirrel again I was really shy I really liked her but I was I don't know I was shy and didn't want to take advantage and wanted to didn't want to lose her friendship I suppose because I liked her another one of my missed many missed opportunities I would say the thing is I worry because bits of the bodies keep lighting up I'm not sure if it's supposed to do that you know if I was sitting

on the vibrator thing and my thighs or my belly started turning yellow and that's like that's your jaundice isn't it that's that's not natural by the way just let you know Andre's here he's fast asleep he's um Andre I can't believe it I'm surprised he doesn't wake himself up doing that it's Andre he's a bit tired having a nice nice sleep he's halfway out of his bag but I'll put him to bed um when I've done this it's quite a surprise that he's just laying there he's not getting out and running around and climbing all

over me and causing havoc as he often does when I begin to make a recording but he's been really good for some reason I don't know why my friend used to have a vibrating thing and he he used to put them around his arms and around his chest and it would vibrate I think it would start trying to create muscle or something but it was muscular anyway so I don't know quite why and he had a physical job so I don't know maybe well yeah his own reasons no doubt he's uh he liked sunbathing I

never understood really I do kind of understand why people like sunbathing because it does feel nice you know I mean I've when I've done it it's lovely having the sun on your face and your body although I don't normally have it on my body but it's nice until it's not so I remember once where I was in the garden this is when I lived in the Buddhist community and I was in the garden sitting on my reclined chair I've got this really quite a cool garden chair but it was like a recliner but it was

a good one I wasn't just like a rubbish one I have I bought rubbish ones before and actually I bought a garden chair for here to take downstairs so I could sit in the sun or in the shade rather actually to be fair but and it was hard plastic and I thought this is all right I think it was like 20 pound or something this will do me and I was going to use it to as for meditation as well well I was in my kitchen sitting in it because my friend asked my friend to

cut my hair and he said yes he said when you cut and I said well I prefer just to do it now you know just to get it done he said yeah all right then but I have to go and get my cutting equipment I said okay I said well what am I going to sit in though he said well why don't you sit in a chair that's what most people have been doing for hundreds of years really I said yeah fair enough I thought you know what I'm going to use the plastic chair no

particular reason for that just seemed like a good idea although I do have other chairs so what I did is I sat in the chair and then I thought I'm just going to get up again and wait before he gets back and then I'll because I have to answer the door and you know all that stuff there's no point getting too comfortable and when he came back I opened the door he knocked first I looked to see who it was and then I opened the door and then he came in I closed the door and

I'm not sure what I did with Andre I might have put him in his cage just to keep him out of the way or he might have been asleep not sure and I got this chair I got it from Wilkinson's I think and you know I knew it wasn't I knew it wasn't something that you'd see in a palace you know it wasn't a palatial furniture I know I knew that I also knew that it wasn't an investment I was never going to get my money back I was never gonna I was never going to

be worth any money but that wasn't what I was looking for in a little garden chair all I wanted is to be able to sit in it read a book and just relax you know and I did and I took it downstairs and the same week some neighbours who also share the garden had bought some well nice probably quite expensive furniture like chairs and tables for the summer so I'm sitting in the garden with a bunch of people that were just sitting around drinking and talking and I'm sitting there on my chair and they're on

the bench and this neighbour this old bloke comes over and says well it's okay you can sit in my chair if you like I said what are you talking about he said you can sit in my chair if you like you don't have to ask permission like being sarcastic and he thought I was sitting in his chair one of his ones and I said this is my chair and he said I can't forget what I forget what he said then and I just said look and there was still a label with the price on it

and then he said oh and he walked away that's that's the whole story really nothing else happened there and then I kind of didn't want to take it outside anymore what's funny is her husband came out his wife came out and said to me you can use the chairs whenever you want anyway and I said thanks because I told him what he'd said I told her what he'd said and after that I didn't really take the chair outside much just didn't feel right anymore the the excitement had gone you know you know that build-up of

excitement of sitting in a plastic chair in the garden that the build-up was big and then suddenly it just it's like the energy was like sucked out of it so I left it upstairs sometimes I'd sit in it and meditate other times I'd leave it in the storage room to do its own thing I was going to say to levitate but that would be silly because it didn't just gravity you know and so I thought because my friend was saying oh you need to sit in a chair I thought you know what why don't I

sit in the chair that I don't use anymore because that would be ideal for this situation so I got it took it out from the cupboard I walked down the hallway to where the kitchen is the kitchen is directly ahead the bedroom's on the left and then there's the bathroom on the right living room on the left and then the kitchen straight ahead so I went in I sat down on the you know I put the chair down on the floor with the the back was to the window and the front was it wasn't facing

towards the door but I could see the door to the kitchen because I was in the kitchen so I could see the entrance and the exit and my friend was there he was cutting my hair and you know just having a little bit of a chat he's sort of asking me if I want anything for the weekend I said yeah I could do some do some like the newspaper tv listings so I know what's on tv and maybe a couple of bars of chocolate or something like that and he started laughing I started laughing because

I really know what's going on and it's he's cutting my hair and then he goes to the front of me and he's I think he's saying can you lean back so that he could I don't know trim the eyebrows I didn't but for some reason and and the whole of the chair collapsed the back two legs of the chair snapped and I fell backwards luckily I ended up I ended up on the floor but I didn't hurt myself I didn't I didn't bash my head on anything so it was very lucky actually and then all

I did is I got a chair that was well it's a thing is these chairs I've got two chairs which was it three two I think and they came with the table which my nan used to have and I inherited it so the table two chairs and when I moved here one of the chairs well basically gave way I sat in it and it just crumbled underneath me and you may say well actually there's a bit of pattern here and I'll say to you just mind your own business and I didn't know what to do

about it because you know it's like I don't want to chuck them out because they were my nan's chairs I want to keep them forever including the table um wherever I move those tables and chairs are coming with me and I was going to say even if I have to carry them all back but I can't carry them all back if that was the only option then I'd leave them you know they just just would you know it's just but it means something to me and my dad actually took the chairs away and he reinforced

them after he stopped laughing I think but it's like how can you how can a chair I don't think I've ever sat in a chair that's just crumbled underneath me I'm not that heavy 100 kilos isn't that heavy you know it's if I was 30 stone then I would have to be careful what kind of chairs I sat in because some chairs wouldn't be able to support my weight I'm not 30 stone I'm half that so surely the issue I don't know I think sometimes though because I use the table at I use the chair

at the table and I think sometimes maybe I go to push the chair back and maybe it's not off the floor so I'm kind of pushing the legs out of itself so maybe that's what it was it was out of balance and my even my small amount of weight was enough to disintegrate the chair it was like a ray gun oh that bloke that did the squirrel he's now rubbing his back oh they're advertising something else now it's the same people though it's called an easy sitter you know what I want one of them I

can't believe someone just sat up and there was an egg they're sitting on eggs you won't believe this they actually got these easy sitters they're putting an egg on the top of it and then customers are sitting down on on the egg and then they stand up the egg's still intact and then someone grabs the egg breaks it into a bowl to prove it's a real egg why would you sit an egg these easy sitters look good that's what I need because I've got oh it's so funny it just showed uh some people at a

football game and one of them was sitting in the easy sitter like and this is a blue thing and he's all happy and then just in front of him to the left there was another one and he and the bloke was rubbing the back of his back his lower back oh dear they still got an egg on it they they're obsessed with that egg seriously if you didn't know just by watching it I would think why have they got an egg on the on the chair I wonder if people buy it and then they phone

up and they complain and say where's the egg perhaps I've got it on packaging does not include egg I'd be so happy I would actually if it comes up anywhere on there saying does not include egg I'll be made up that'll that'll be the funniest thing I'm looking for it now and now someone else is sitting on an egg oh it's called egg sitter not easy sitter did I say easy sitter egg sitter that's why they got the egg what if you didn't have any trousers or pants or anything on I'm just wondering if it's

a magic trick you know it's like it's not a real egg but they managed to swap it and like break it as an with the yolk the thing is I've got this is something that I'm gonna look into maybe buying I know I'm making fun of it but I need 88% of 50 users say that it provides eight hours worth of relief 88% of 50 users it's not a lot of people is it jmldirect.com egg sitter and now he's jumping up and down on it waving his hands around he's pulling it apart it looks like

slime that's what it looks like it looks like slime now he's rolling it up and again they're showing a bloke the base the football and they're showing two people in church sitting on it there's a woman with a oh one with a cat and a woman doing sewing all sitting on it egg sitter support cushion brilliant idea really what a catchy thing though did I call it easy sitter that's what I must have

been seeing in my head oh there's a woman there now she's but her posture wasn't very good though oh she's happy I've never seen someone who looks so happy sitting down she sat down it was like oh yeah another man he just sat down there's like big smile on his face once he sat down on it now there's a man in a supermarket mall with a microphone asking people to sit down before you do look he didn't say sit she's about to sit down he said stop and then he put in he put he put

an egg on it and she sat on it she looks like she doesn't want to get up now she's she's you wouldn't want to eat the egg after that would you after you know where it's been now her husband's saying no he's saying go on you can sit on the egg now no don't want to he's refusing oh no he's going to do it now but he sat down hard on it he didn't sit gentle he actually like fell on the thing I'd be surprised if it's not broken oh it's not I was trying to

lip read there but I'm sure he said now that's a strong egg and a bloke was to blow the microphone saying it's not really about the egg though it's uh it's about it's about the cushion and bloke said I don't care about a cushion we're gonna get one of those six sorry now that's now that's an egg just showed up like write a letter and he leant back on it and he was on his cushion thing and he was like waving his arms around in happiness wow they're really trying to damage that egg and they

can't I'm not sure about the color though being blue it can't really I was showing that man robbing his back again at the football match and there's a bloke reading a book with a big smile on his face 78% of 50 users said it last thing for 50 so features it supports backside and spine honeycomb design rhymes uh what's the next one comfortable and supportive flexible elastic core material stays cool to the touch I bet it gets smelly just saying uh bonus non-slip cover yours for only £39.

99 plus £2. 95 delivery or 49. 99 euros £39.

99 UK you know what I think I want one do you see what I mean about how the thing is 88 78% of 50 users I want to buy something that's being used by thousands and millions not just 50 people he keeps jumping on it he keeps folding out and jumping on it like it's not a trampoline it's not a naughty child just stop stop that and then they got a bloke in a forklift truck sitting on one yeah like you get away with that without people making fun of you know someone a lady there

was using it to kneel on to support her knees while she was cleaning the bath so that's useful because I'd my knees need a bit of support when I'm kneeling down doing things they look a little bit smug though I don't I'd be worried that I'd turn into someone you know I'd like haha uncomfortable look at me well now someone doing the garden oh we've got a big fireplace in the background I was a taxi driver saying yeah this is great a lorry driver now saying yeah it's brilliant imagine if you're doing driving a lot

you'd think you'd have a lot of really good seat anyway wouldn't you so I used to have a bony bum years ago I talked about this before so now oh look what they're doing now they're stretching it out this this is to show it can't be broken they've stretched it out with a barbell and now they're letting it go back to its normal shape again and now it's back to looking like it was and now they're both like the bloke rubbing his back at the football cream egg sitter and now they've got another lady go

on can you want to sit on it go on go on sit on it go on oh how does it feel is it nice is it nice he's now massaging her not her chest her neck and she looks it actually looks if you didn't know when I first started watching it all I saw was the woman get up and there was an egg on the chair I thought she'd given honestly I thought she'd laid an egg egg sitter and they show a person holding an egg just so you know what what they're talking about oh

it seems a bit convenient though isn't it because they sit in it pick it up and then there's a table with a little glass thing so you can break the egg into it I want one of those eggs I think that might be just a ticket for me I think I could perhaps use the benefit of that for my lower back I don't I don't know why they're I'm trying to think what does it remind me of something that reminds me of I can't remember maybe you know what it is I think I might have

actually had one of those things in an office I worked in that's probably what it is so I've had one before and there's a couple on the beach bloke's still right in there's a lady she's this lady there she won't get up there's one woman she's moving around her hips so much sitting on the chair like she's trying to get the egg like she's trying to clench the egg in like suck it up or something I'll see if she gets up and the egg's gone wow I want one the egg sitter support cushion and it

comes with a cover for some reason I suppose if you're going to carry it around wow it's a non-slip cover as well because you know covers can be very slippy can't they I don't know chair mount oh that's the end of that one I wonder what others they've got oh there's another lower back thing oh it's the same thing ah so now they're doing the black and white to colour bit the black and white is showing the people that are like rubbing their backs and sitting uncomfortable now the colour the colour footage is of people

all happy and imagine how weird that would be if you sat up got up from a chair and there was an egg there and some man grabbed the egg and broke it into a little glass glass uh bowl that's a surreal experience isn't it that's like magic so that's that's it for me tonight I hope you enjoyed it for some reason I had no idea I was going to talk about adverts but hey that's what happened Andre's just woken up so it's good timing on my part so if hopefully you're asleep and I'll see you

speak to you next time bye