#133 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (23rd April 2019)

Hello and welcome to let me bore you to sleep. My name is Jason Newland. Please only listen to this when you can... I get so bored saying this.

Only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes. There must be another way of rewording that. Introduction.

Don't listen to this if you're an idiot. I suppose there'd be another one. Anyone that would listen to a sleep session whilst driving a car.

I mean, come on. That's gotta be... That's pretty dumb, isn't it? Let's like to relax when I'm driving. I get so stressed.

I like to relax. No. Just... Come on, really? Anyway, it's a good start, isn't it? Warm my audience up to me by calling them idiots.

I don't think anybody would listen to this and drive at the same time. Please don't do that. And if you are driving while listening to this, turn the recording off and get yourself checked out by the doctor because there's something wrong with you.

It's, you know, it's very dangerous. Don't do stuff like that. Can you imagine if you're in a plane and the pilot's listening to me groaning on? You wouldn't really... I wouldn't expect to land safely, you know? Imagine that the pilot is just dribbling in a sleep.

I'm complete bored. Although, apparently, I think they on tube trains I think. I think it's a tube train trains in London.

I don't know if they still got them, but they used to have a thing for the drivers called the idiot stick. I think they called it. Again, I might be making this up.

It might not have been called that, but that's what I'd call it. It's the idiot stick. So they had to hold on to this stick and if they let go of it, the train would, you know, slowly come to a stop, even if they're in the middle of a tunnel because that meant that the driver had fallen asleep.

Imagine you're on a tube and you've got thousands of people all cramped in and you just fell asleep. Like, wow. Anyway, this is a bit of a different start to my recordings.

I'll give you an update. I made quite a nice little recording today. I think it lasted for about half an hour, I think, and it was a relaxation.

I've kind of copied myself. So for those that accuse me of copying others, doing boring sessions, I actually copied myself and as you may know, I do deep sleep whisper hypnosis recordings. I've got a podcast for that and that's very popular.

It's growing in popularity. It's probably the most popular podcast I've got. This one's kind of seen to be taken over actually, but it's still up there.

So I've recorded, I've got a new podcast called Deep Relax Whisper Hypnosis. See what I did there? Just changed one word. So instead of sleep, it's relax.

And I've got the new podcast that I've started on Spreaker. Built an image for the podcast, so that took me a while. So I've got that all nice.

Well, I'm fairly pleased with it. And I've got one episode, but it's number one. But I uploaded it onto my Facebook page.

So just check it out. The first one is a lot of counting down, but it's relaxation. It's basically kind of the same as the deep sleep, but it's not about sleep and it's just about relaxing.

And at the end of it, I say you can open your eyes if you want, or just keep your eyes closed, do what you want. With the deep sleep ones, I just stop talking. With these ones, I say goodbye.

Usually, sometimes I can't remember. I like to think that no one's listening anymore by the time I get to the end. And I've got this new podcast and I've had no listens on it yet.

But I did upload it onto my relaxation hypnosis podcast. So I've had a few listens. It's a bit, I'm not disappointed, but I'm used to getting, at the moment, it's getting on to 2,000 listens a day now.

It's between 1,000 and 1,200 if I don't upload anything new. But if I upload a new session every day, then I'm starting to get 2,000 downloads a day, which is cool. So it's just about producing new material because I think people like to listen to something new.

So those days, I spoil you really, don't I? You think, me and my big black squeaky chair. No one else, really. Well, there's a few people, but commercially, you wouldn't.

Someone like Paul McKenna, he's one of the most famous hypnotists in the world. And he's one of the, I think, the best selling hypnotist in history, as far as books and stuff like that. Self-help, DVDs, CDs, hypnosis CDs, things like that.

I think he's the number one, I think, in the world, but I might be wrong. I'm sure there's some big American ones, maybe bigger Canadian ones, Australian ones, but Paul McKenna, he's not just big in England, he's known the world out. So he's training with Paul McKenna, by the way.

Just thought I'd let you know that. See, I didn't just make all this stuff up, all these hypnosis things. I actually did, I did learn, I did study, I did actually do some hypnosis training, believe it or not.

The boring part, I was just, you know, this is terrible. Okay, I won't tell you who it was, but I was having lunch with somebody, two people, and somebody who, I gotta just be careful, just in case anyone that I know is listening to this, which is unlikely, but it could happen. It's not difficult to find me on the internet.

So I just kind of anyway, I was in this cafe, like restaurant thing, place. And this adult, who's about 25 years older than me, was sitting opposite me. And he was saying, I think he was giving directions.

And he said, Well, listen, son, the directions from there to here, and you go down, you turn left. And he was doing the salt and the pepper and pots and the vinegar. And he got a menu out.

And he was like, that's the bridge. And he was, and this went on for about five or six minutes. And I thought, I've inherited this.

I've inherited this boredom. It's not that that person's boring all the time, because they're not, it's just the ability to get so caught up in a story that's of nonexistence and to drag it out and to be so specific. You know, I probably, technically, I could have been a really, really good accountant, if I had any kind of affinity with numbers.

But I've got a, I've got self-diagnosed dyspraxia. I just, you know, my brain just doesn't, it freezes up when it comes to sort of anything numerical, not all numerical things. But apart from that, I'm quite good with detail.

And I used to, I had this job in an insurance company. And it's probably my best, my most favorite job that I've ever had. And what I did all day, and it was, I liked it because I took a big pay cut to do it.

So I was in sales, I was earning about 25,000 a year, with the bonus, I was doubling my money with the bonus. But I didn't like doing that anymore. You know, it was causing me stress.

And, you know, I just needed a way out. And I've managed to, I'd already applied for two other jobs internally and got turned down. But they didn't have used and they didn't, for some reason, didn't want me.

They wanted to keep me in sales, basically, I think. Then I applied for this other job. And because, and it was in, what do you call it? Can't remember the name of it now.

Basically, making sure everybody did their job properly on the phones. So I was actually getting £100, sometimes more actually, a month extra on top of my wages and bonus for having the best score. When, you know, the calls would be listening to, and they'd have a tick sheet, and you tick, do I answer the call properly? Do I ask each question correctly, in full? Do I, did I lead the people into answering the way I wanted them to? Which is a good way to get a sale.

But I didn't do that in that company. And I used to get like 100%. So every 100% score, I'd get paid £25.

And there would be four, I think it was four a month. So if I got all four, it'd be £100. Yeah, so whoever got the most amount of 100% would get an extra £100 bonus on top of that.

So it's between me and a lady that was there, and she, I probably, I'd say 60-40 in my favour on that one. I was getting the extra £100. Sometimes she'd get four, she'd get 400% and I'd get 300% and a 98% or something like that.

But it used to be a competition just between me and her, the only two that could do it, like regularly. And it's really handy to have that little bit of extra money. But because of that, when I applied for the job, I had the skills because I said, look, I'm the best in the whole company at getting 100%.

No one else does it as much as me. So they couldn't argue with that. Compliance, that's what it's called.

Yeah, I became a compliance officer. Not really an officer, but I became a part of the compliance department. And I started that in December 2005.

And it was weird because I'd just started dating somebody in 2005. And I remember my sales manager laughing at me, he said, you've got a girlfriend now, now you're going to need the money. And you won't have any.

And he found it funny. And because I took a pay cut, so I was earning 25,000 a year in the last year with the bonus. And I went down to 13,000, I think.

And they had like a yearly bonus, which took me up to about 17,000, 16 or 17,000. So it's quite a big drop. But it's the first time that I actually felt, for a long time, that I felt quite happy in my job because it was during the day.

It was a long day, but it was nine to six. I had my weekends off every weekend, which meant I could do things. I wasn't doing shift work like I was before.

And I was really good at the job. And the reason really is because I suppose I'm pedantic. I can be very pedantic, very factual.

And it's not always good for friendships or for life, but it's really good for that job. So yeah. But in the end, I got a bit ill.

And in September 2006, and went part time, they allowed me to go part time. And then in, was it June 2017? No, 2007. They gave me an ultimatum, either I go full time or I leave.

So I left because I didn't want to go back full time again. So I enjoyed the part time because I was doing more charity work. I was doing the relaxation groups at the alcohol and drug rehab places.

I was growing the free hypnosis service online. And I had the free pain relief service I was providing locally as well. So you know, things were going really well.

And then kind of had to pack the job in. Didn't know what I was going to do. And then I decided to apply to do a degree in counselling.

And I didn't expect to be accepted on the course. But then I was, I didn't expect to be able to get funding, you know, to get the loan, to get all the grants and stuff. And I was, I got it all.

I was like, wow. So yeah, so it's interesting to find how some things in life that don't seem so great at the time, lead on to really great things. So yeah.

So that was a nice little boring start to this. Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Just let you know there's still no websites.

I kind of miss them, but I get too attached to them. When I've got websites running, I'm just constantly on them and working on them. And I don't want to spend my time doing that anymore.

I prefer to spend my time doing this, making recordings, new material. Not just this, but also more pain relief stuff. And even there's been some requests made, so I'm going to look into that as well.

But I've not really been up to doing that much the last week or so. And also to let you know, there's a Facebook page specifically for these Let Me Bore You To Sleep sessions. So just go to Facebook and put Let Me Bore You To Sleep.

And this page should come up. It's the big yellow. It's a picture, it's yellow background and it's got a picture of Andre in the middle of it.

He's in his hammock, looking cute as cute as a little ferret. I'll just have a drink. I just put him to bed because he's got a habit of being fast asleep.

And as soon as I start recording, I think it disturbs him. I think he wakes him up. And he thinks he's missing something.

I think he might wake up thinking, Oh, someone in here. Daddy's talking to someone. Like a new bag that he can like climb into or another person, he can rub himself over their shoes and stuff.

But no, it's just me. I can imagine if I had all the people in this in this room, that listen to this. There'd be like 15 people.

That's a lot, isn't it? So this is the Easter weekend now over officially. It's now Tuesday. So the first bank holiday of the year is officially done.

I think it's the first. Is it the first? Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Yeah. So the first bank holiday, the next bank holiday will be May Day. So I don't know if that's, I don't know what date that is.

Then the second bank holiday. No, the first bank holiday is New Year's Day, a bank holiday. Or is it just classed as a New Year's Day? I don't know.

Anyway, so you've got May Day. That's a bank holiday Monday. Then June.

Is there another bank holiday at the end of May as well? I don't know. Why would there be? But I think there is. Pretty sure there's two bank holiday Mondays in May.

And then there's one at the end of August. Because that's quite often falls on my birthday or the birthday weekend. Because my birthday is at the end of the of the month.

And the bank holiday Monday is always at the end of the month. So quite often my bank, my birthday is June that weekend. Probably.

But I don't know what the statistics are of that. I know my brain just froze. Statistics.

And then the next bank holiday would be the Boxing Day, I think. Yeah, I think so. I wonder if New Year's Day, it's not a bank holiday, is it? Because New Year's is, because Christmas isn't a bank holiday.

It's a holiday. But bank holiday is usually on a Monday. Although Friday was... Is it Friday? This Friday just gone was Good Friday.

The Friday before Easter Sunday. With obviously Saturday in between. But that doesn't have a title.

Unless, of course, you call it Easter Saturday. And then Monday is a bank holiday. I wonder if that's called Easter Monday.

I'm not sure. But Friday is a bank holiday, I think. I wonder why it's... I suppose banks would be like a financial institution.

Maybe there was a time when... That's when the banks closed. The only times they closed was on those days. So people that worked in banks didn't get holidays, like proper three weeks off a year, or however many.

Three weeks, three years? Three, yeah. It's been so long, I can't remember. It has been a while.

Just let you know there are adverts at the beginning of my recordings. And I know it's sometimes a different energy level, but it's okay. It's only the beginning.

They're not in the middle. They're not in the end. If you watch anything on YouTube, there's going to be an advert at the beginning.

If it's a relaxation session, a hypnosis session, it's always going to be... So it's just a thing. Please forgive me. I know not what I do.

I do think about what kind of job would I like to do if I was able to spring back into life and be... I don't know if I want to go back into sales. I don't know if I've really got it in me anymore to do that kind of stuff. I think if I did do sales, I'd quite like to sell something big.

So instead of selling an insurance policy for, I don't know, 700 pounds, I'd like to sell a yacht for maybe 10 million and come out of it with a few hundred thousand pounds for the sale. So I think the sales percentage of selling something is usually about 10%. So that could be like a million pound to sell a 10 million pound yacht.

That does sound like quite a lot of money. But I think some sales people get about 20% commission. So, you know, who knows? You literally would only have to sell like 10% of the yacht and you'd be made, wouldn't you? So, walk away of a hundred grand.

It's like, there you go. Can I want my hundred grand, please? But you haven't sold the yacht. Oh, that's where you're wrong.

You see that bit there? Yeah, which bit? The bit right at the front. Yeah. Well, about three foot of that.

Or six foot, actually. Yeah, six foot. I've never been good with measurements.

Six foot of that. I sold that. Can I have my hundred grand, please? No.

I can imagine that would, we might just say, oh, there you go then. Thanks. Probably not.

It could be my resume, couldn't it, for my next job. After I was sacked from that one, I sold a six foot yacht. I like changed the words a bit.

A six foot yacht. And he said, that's not a very big yacht, is it? I said, no, but the people that bought it weren't very big. And I say, how much commission did you make? Oh, a hundred grand.

A hundred grand for a six foot yacht. Commission? I wouldn't have thought it would cost that much to buy. Oh, but this is a made up story, isn't it? Didn't really happen.

Ah, I suppose in that way, you could just say anything, couldn't you? Yes, you get any idea now. Should we fly to Portsmouth? I've got some new wings. We'll have a look.

They're lovely. We'll use my wings and you can just hold on to me legs and I'll fly you there to Portsmouth docks. Oh, that sounds lovely.

Yeah. Isn't it weird? What's that? Well, isn't it weird that we both sound the same? Yeah, I know, isn't it? Well, I suppose people are supposed to know which one's who. Doesn't matter, really.

Why is that? Well, they're probably driving anyway, so they're probably asleep. Pretty crashed by now. Oh, that's nice.

Not really, is it? People listen to you, they're not all that stupid, are they? No, I don't think so. People that listen to me are clever. They're bright and very intelligent.

Very generous. Very, very generous. Just all they want to do is send me money all the time.

That's not true, is it? No, it's not. Oh, wouldn't it be nice? Yeah, would be nice, wouldn't it? I'm not saying they might be generous, but just not towards me. Oh, that's a bit, is that what you, it's a bit of a, what do they call that thing when you're hostile, but not really being hostile? What do you mean? When you're being a bit rude towards someone, but you're kind of doing it in humour, but actually you're kind of having to dig at them.

Or passive-aggressive. Yeah, that's what you're being like. I'm not being passive-aggressive.

Yeah, you are. You're going on about how no one is generous towards you, and you know that people are listening. Yeah, well, that's passive-aggression, isn't it? Well, not really.

Yeah, but you know people listen. You know thousands of people listen to you. So why, why would you say that when you know that people are listening? I didn't mean it in that way.

Who doesn't? I don't. Yeah, but we sound the same. I don't know who's talking now.

Well, I'm talking. Exactly. What do you mean exactly? Well, that's the excuse you can make, isn't it? You can say it was the other person that was going on about people not being, you know, your listeners not being generous and that.

But that's not something that you would ever say, is it? Ah, that's clever. See, that's a good thing about us both sounding the same. It is, isn't it? Yeah.

So yeah, I think you should go then because I think you've been very rude about my listeners because I have the best listeners in the world. They're the brightest, cleverest, and they've got impeccable taste. So I think you should choose you along.

And I'll see you at the end when I'm finished. We'll go out for a, go out for a curry. Should go out for curry.

A curry and a kebab. A curry and a kebab. Yeah.

What? A curry and a kebab. If do you not understand the words that I am saying? Yeah, I understand the words that you're saying, but what you're saying sounds a bit ridiculous. Well, why? Well, you're not going to eat, well, you're not going to buy a curry and a kebab.

First of all, you can't go anywhere where they sell curries and kebabs at the same place. Yes, you can. Where? The curry kebab shop.

Doesn't exist. It might exist. Where? Where then? Where? Somewhere.

Name one place. Somewhere that's not here. It's a whole world out there that could be a place that sells curries and kebabs.

I mean, I used to live locally to, I said locally, what was locally? Yeah, I used to be able to cross the road because it used to be this pizza place. So I'd come out of my room, walk through, the bathroom would be on the left, I'd walk through the front door, turn right, go up the steps, then go up some more steps and turn right again, walk all the way down to the road. But can I stop you there, please? Well, I don't want to listen to any of your boring stories.

What do you mean? Have you heard about the bathrooms on the left? Who cares about the bathroom? You walked up to the front door and opened the front. We all go through, why do you even have to mention there's a door? Every house has a front door, not wigwams. I can't say wigwam without laughing, sorry.

Wigwam. I don't want to hear the exact specific details of every footstep that you make walking towards the pizza place that you're about to tell me about. Ah, but you don't know about the pizza place that I'm going to tell you about.

Okay, I don't know about the pizza place, but does it involve, does it need you to tell me how many cars were on the left and what colour they were as you walked down the gravel path towards the road? Ah, what do you mean, ah? Well, I'm not the one that mentioned the cars, am I? You are. Yeah, I reckon you was going to, weren't you? Hmm, what does that mean? It means whatever I wish it to mean. Come on cryptic Sally, get on with the story.

Okay, well I crossed the road, well, there is this, can I not talk about how I crossed the road? No? Oh, come on, please, it's important. It's kind of the whole point of this thing is to give a few details, you know, to make the story interesting and exciting. All right then, how do you cross the road? Ah, well, there's a few different ways.

Sometimes, I'll cross straight over to the right-hand side where the supermarket is, but for me to do that would depend upon the traffic. And the traffic was only going one way because there was traffic lights, but there's also traffic moving down another road which is near the supermarket. So I, you know, I had to kind of gauge it time-wise.

Other times, I just cross over to part of the road and then cross the other side or walk down that side of the road because that's the side of the road where the pizza place was, which is opposite the supermarket. And I'd walk past the Laundrette, which is on the left, and there's this, it's kind of this place, it's still there, and they sell all kinds of weird stuff. Not weird stuff, but just stuff that, like expensive honey and teapots and cushions and things that, I've just never been in there, just, yeah.

And then, what else is there past that one? I think there's a, I can't remember, I'm trying to visualize it in my head. So what was there? Oh no, that's the reason for this, is because there wasn't much there, because quite a lot of the shops, I think, were closed. There was definitely a Laundrette, and I think there was an estate agent.

There was, you walk up a bit and there was a pub on the left, then there was an underpass, which goes underneath the road. Why did you pause? I was waiting for you to point out that's what an underpass is, something that goes underneath the road. I thought you might correct me.

No, no, no, carry on. I was half asleep. That's a bit rude.

It's only very interesting facts here. So you can go under the underpass, or you can cross the road, which has traffic lights. So whichever way you go, you end up in the same place.

Now, my decision upon going under the underpass, or going across the road, would depend upon whether there was a busker in the underpass. If there was a busker playing a guitar and singing, there was a particular one that would be there regularly, and I would go down the road, I'd cross the road. And then, as you cross the road, there's a computer shop.

Then you keep going down, I think there's some kind of salon place. There's a place where a bank used to be. There's a place where a butcher's used to be.

There's a strip club. And that doesn't say the word strip club, but it is apparently. Apparently.

And what else is there? I think there's another newsagent. Not newsagents, there's another letting agent, my estate agent or whatever. Then there's, that's where the pub is.

No, I've already crossed the pub. No, that's earlier on. And a bit further down, there's like a coffee shop, maybe two coffee shops, and then there's the pizza place.

They used to sell kebabs in there and pizza, but they didn't sell curry. Are you telling me that you told me all that just to point out that that pizza place didn't sell curry? Yeah. What is wrong with you? What do you mean? A bit rude.

I mean, why couldn't you just say that you used to go to a pizza place that sold kebabs and pizza, but not curry. And you've never known a place that sold curry and kebabs, which was kind of the gist of what we were. It was the gist of what we were talking about, isn't it? Yeah.

Wouldn't that have been easier just to have said that rather than going through all of that? I mean, the bus guy, I mean, I'm just glad that you didn't go into great detail about him or her. Well, the reason I didn't really go into great detail, partly because I was, if I could, avoided him. And the sound, because it's an underpass, the acoustics are quite good on the underpass, and you need to really sound bad in order for yourself to sound bad in such an acoustically welcoming environment.

Yeah. I don't know. I think he had like two strings on his guitar and it just didn't work for me.

I can honestly admit at no point in the, I don't know, six years that I would do that journey did I ever once think to myself, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to walk up to him and talk to him and say, hello, mate. How are you doing? Just got one question for you.

I've been listening to you for six years, six very, very, very long years. Just proves that time distortion is actually a reality and your time can be stretched. And I was wondering if you have a CD of yourself that I could buy an album I can purchase, maybe a single I can download from Amazon or iTunes.

No, that never happened. Never once thought about doing that. In fact, I remember the underpass was clear one day and I thought, oh good, I can walk under here.

So I prefer just crossing that road was just, it wasn't always that much fun. The crossing roads are supposed to be fun, but they're not supposed to not be fun either. I don't know what the rules are, but I saw the underpass was clear.

There's no one there. I walk under the underpass or give myself a big treat. So I walked under the underpass and I thought, you know what? I'm so excited.

I'm going to have myself a nice egg sandwich or egg roll. I think it was. So I went into this cafe, which was a few doors up further, sort of going back from where I'd gone from.

So I got that, a nice egg roll, a cup of coffee. Oh, it's just, it tasted so much better without that sound in the background. It's like, oh, my taste buds are no longer hiding from me because they used to hide with earplugs in their ears.

And I'll be calling, taste buds, come, we're about to eat now. They couldn't hear me. They weren't ignoring me because they liked me, but we get on really well.

But they just, I feed them a lot of chocolate, that's why. But they just, you know, it's like, oh, that egg sandwich and that yolk, it was nice and runny. I went all over my beard.

It's just, oh, it's lovely, it was. And I didn't drink all of the coffee. You know, I really drink the whole coffee when I'm in a public place.

I don't drink coffee that often. But when I'm on my own, I might have a cup of coffee and I might just drink some of it, maybe half, maybe a third. Of course, it's hard, you can't, it's hard to know if it's a half or a third or a quarter.

You can't sort of go to the counter and say, please, can I have four cups the same size, please? Because I'd like to measure them, measure how much I've actually consumed. You know, not everybody would be accommodating to such a request. And I had this egg roll and the coffee, let's just say a quarter of it I drank, maybe half.

It was nice. The thing is, coffee is quite bitter, isn't it? Even if you have sugar in it, it's a little bit bitter. I find eggs to be quite sweet, especially the yolk, or as I used to call them when I was a kid, the joke.

And my dad would say, no, it's the yolk. Don't ever say that again. It's a bit harsh.

I was only having a yolk with you. And he didn't find that funny either. So I decided never to do another pun in my life or attempt.

Not attempt, attempt. And so I finished off, it took a little while to wipe the yolk off my beard. And I thought, you know what? I don't trust my wiping.

There's been times in the past that I've wiped myself and there's still been a little bit left. And yeah, especially with my beard. So I just kind of, I thought I'll go to the toilet.

There's a mirror in there and there's no mirror. I'll just have to look into the toilet and use the toilet water as a reflection and wait for the toilet water just to calm itself. So I put that, I didn't have to do that because it was a mirror.

And it looked all right. You know, it's, it looked okay. I did a quick wee and waited for the rest of it to come out.

It does not come out all at one go now. It's this, uh, there's a bit of a delay. You know, when you're on a radio, you find a radio station up and you listen on the radio whilst you're on the phone talking to the radio host.

And there's a delay and you can hear them, but they're like, I don't know, 10 second delay or six second delay or something like that. And it gets really a bit weird. That's what it's like in my bladder and my willy.

There's a real kind of little bit of a delay system there between my willy saying, come on then. And my bladder is like, busy doing something else. But eventually the job gets done.

And, uh, of course, before I leave, I flush the toilet. Before I leave, I turn the, I turn the heater, like the hand, hand dryer on for about 20 seconds. So the people outside will think that I've washed my hands.

And then I went out. I'm just trying to fit in with society, you know? So I went out, I said, thank you. I probably didn't say thanks.

I put my hand up and waved. It's like a little salute, a little scribble salute. Imagine a scribble salute.

That's probably kind of what I looked like. And I waddled off out the door. I turned left and it's literally just a few, a few shops.

And I'm back at the underpass and looking down and I kind of knew that the, the bloke, that's the busker that plays the two string guitar. In fact, I think he had less teeth than he did had strings on his guitar, but you know, I could hear he still wasn't there. And, uh, so I'm just really looking forward to it.

And I even stopped a couple of people, um, a couple of friends or people that I knew, they were like outside the cafe chatting. And I just thought, I said, well, what are they chatting about? What are you chatting about? And they said, that's a bit of a weird way to, to get into a conversation. It's a bit blunt, isn't it really? What are you chatting about? I said, well, no, I'm just interested.

Well, why are you interested? I said, I don't know. Come on, just for the sake of the story, just someone play along, please. And then one of them said, come on, just give him a bit of a break.

He's trying to tell a story here. You know, it's hard enough. You're making stuff up, but to have the fictional characters that you've made up in a story, being annoying and being rude, it's, it makes it just much harder.

And he said, all right, then Ted. He said, well, I told you before, you call me Edward or Eddie and never call me Ted. Okay.

Okay. I said, anyway, what are you talking about? I said, well, we were just talking about the busker. One tooth Tony, he's not, he's not there.

Not there today. I said, I know, that's why I went into the cafe to celebrate. So I had an egg sandwich, was an egg roll.

I keep calling it egg sandwich, but it's an actually, it was in a roll and a cup of coffee to celebrate. I said, you went in and celebrated the busker not being there by having an egg roll and a cup of coffee. Yeah.

Yeah, I did. Well, that's a bit weird, isn't it? I don't know really, just seemed like something to do. Seemed like a good idea really at the time.

Well, I suppose he's to the room. No, I'm not going to judge you for it. I'm just, just, yeah.

Well, yeah. Okay. Well, I'm off anyway.

Yeah. See you later. Bye.

So I walked down, start my little journey towards the little tunnel, the underpass, and it basically goes down. You walk flat for about, I don't know, 30 seconds, 20 seconds, and you walk up again. So I get down to the bottom, the bit which is flat.

There's absolutely nobody in there at all. And then suddenly I let off the massive fart. It's the biggest, stinkiest egg roll fart that you've ever, ever heard or smelled.

It was absolutely ridiculous. It made me jump because it came out of nowhere. I thought it was, I kind of knew I was going to fart, but I thought it was just a little, you know, just a little bit, a little bit of release.

And then a little bit of air out of the tire, you know, that kind of a little plump, you know, I don't know what the right word is for it. A little poof, a little like that. However, it wasn't, it was a full, full on, it was loud, really loud.

And it echoed, echoed, echoed properly, really. And the loudest fart I've ever done turned into even an even louder fart because of the echo of the underpass. And I heard in the distance, the people that I was talking to a few, 30 seconds earlier, I heard one of them shout out, oh my God.

And everyone says, what? They said, the busker's back. He started singing again. They thought my fart was the busker singing.

They thought my, the sound coming out of my anus was one-tooth toning. And it wasn't. And then something really weird happened.

I thought I've got to get some air out of this. And there's no one around. I pulled my trousers down.

And I thought I need to check to make sure it's okay. And I looked. I can't believe what I saw.

It was only Tony the busker. He was hiding inside my pants. It wasn't a fart at all.

It was him. He was singing. He'd hidden in my pants.

And he'd started singing, thinking he was back where he thought, because he thought in my pants was the underpass. Because in his words, it smells the same. Urine, feces.

It's a bit grim. That's a good thing to be saying at the end of a deeply relaxing sleep session. He said, well, you're the one saying the words.

I didn't make you say the words. He's hiding in my pants. I said, get out of my pants.

He said, you don't need to tell me twice. Never wanted to be there in the first place. I'm not going to tell you what happened next, but that'll have to be another episode of the story.

So all I can say is this is going to be the story of one tooth, one tooth Tony, the busker hiding in my underpants. That could be the title. But then it could spoil the, I don't think anything could spoil this.

I think it was beyond perfect. So hopefully you've fallen asleep. And if you haven't fallen asleep, it's been mildly distracting from your everyday stuff.

And I wish you well and send my love. And I will speak to you again tomorrow. Bye bye.