#131 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (21st April 2019)

Hello, welcome to Let Me Bore You to Sleep. My name is Jason Newland. I only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes, as you should do with all sessions that are designed to send you to sleep.

And I'm sitting here with Andre Dooley Newland, and I'm just scratching behind his ear, his right ear, because basically when he goes out, he collects dirt. He rolls around in the mud and the dirt, and I can't give him regular baths because he produces his own, I don't know what you call it, his own kind of cleaning oil, or whatever you want, you know, which cleans his coat. But I like to get those little extra bits out.

I suppose in a sense, me and him doing this is a bit like seeing monkeys preening each other, or pruning each other, whatever the right word is. You know, like getting rid of the fleas and the ticks, but he doesn't have fleas or ticks. He's never had fleas, have you? No, you don't get fleas.

You're not a cat. I know you're not a cat. Oh, what am I then? Well, you're not a cat, are you? You're a ferret.

I thought you said I was a polecat. Well, yeah, you are a polecat. You're mixed.

You're a mixture between a polecat and a ferret. So that means I'm a cat, but it doesn't mean you're a cat. Polecat, it's got nothing to do with cats.

Well, clearly it does, because it's got the word cat in it. Yeah, but so's Kit Kat, and that's a chocolate bar. But I thought Kit Kats had cat in them.

No, they don't. Well, that's why I eat them. What do you mean you eat them? That's why I eat Kit Kats.

I thought they had cat in them. That's why I wanted to go and get that cat next door, because I thought it would taste of chocolate. Andre, that's very silly.

I know, but it's a good start, good opener, isn't it? Good start to the recording. Quite light, quite fluffy, gently humorous. Yeah, I suppose so.

All right, what are you going to talk about today then, Dad? I don't know, really. Just talk about the last couple of days, you know. Easter, maybe.

Yeah, Easter. Talk about previous Easters that I've had. Previous Easter eggs.

I wonder. Oh, that sounds really boring. Thank you, son.

That's okay, Dad. Can I go now? Well, yeah. What do you mean, can you go now? Like I could stop you from doing anything.

You always do whatever you want. I know, it's good, isn't it? Yeah, it's great for you. All right, then.

Oh, when I said you can do whatever you want, I didn't mean sniff there. Go, go, stop it. Bye.

Bye, Dad. So, I can't remember when I last did one of these. It wasn't long ago.

It was, I don't know, a couple of days. I've been very unproductive, recording-wise, for at least a week. I've done the odd session.

In fact, April has been one of my least productive months this year, so far. Because it's the 20th of April today. No, it's not.

It's 21st of April today. And I probably only made about seven recordings, maybe. And I've only made, until today, I'd only made two deep sleep whisper hypnosis recordings.

And it'd been something like 19 or 18 days since the last one. Or, I don't know, something like that. Anyway, I made one this morning, deep sleep whisper.

And I did a long one. It was 40, over 40 minutes. Because usually they're about 20 minutes, sometimes a little bit less.

I thought I'd do a longer one. But the thing about making recordings during the day is, especially now, as the weather is brightening up, we're on the Easter holidays as well, so there's a, there's more activity, more human activity outside. For example, the other day, I think it was, what day was it? Thursday, possibly.

There was music from one of the neighbours all day long. They were very generous with their music. And then there was a bonfire.

And then there's just, I couldn't make a recording at all during the day. And I kind of got a little bit caught up in the websites as well. Not caught up like in a web, but I can't move.

Help, the websites have got me. Not that kind of thing. But I just got a little, I get to, whatever it is that I do, I have a tendency of only being able to focus on that.

So when I'm making websites, that's all I think about. That's kind of not all I think about maybe, but it's all I do. I might, sometimes I think about cheese sandwiches, but although I've been thinking lately about romance and how lovely it would be to have a girlfriend, you know, someone to share my life with.

And then I think, well, what is it that I have to share? You know, what have I got to offer? Because I'm not really sure I'm a huge catch. You know, I don't mean disease-wise. I mean, I'm just, I'm not sure I'm a, because I don't really have anything.

I've got most of the things that I have, have all been about the free hypnosis service, you know, like cameras and microphones and laptops and a tablet I've got and various different things. Recording, recording studio, even this phone. So I got an iPhone and I only got that so that I could use it for the free hypnosis service.

I don't need an iPhone. I don't phone anyone. I don't really use, I'm not bothered about apps or stuff really, generally.

I mean, the only regular app that I use on my phone is a radio app, which is LBC radio. But I can get that on the TV. It's just when I am sort of late at night or early hours of the morning, I prefer to have the radio on the phone and to be closer to me so that it's not disturbing the neighbours.

You know, if it's on the television, it's the other side of the room. And I don't know if I've described, well, I probably have described the room, but where I'm sitting here opposite me, the other side of the room, I want to say the other side, it's not a bus journey, you know, it's not, it's not, it's just a few steps, but the television's there. I think it's a 36 inch television I've got.

So it's not massive, but it's big enough for what I need. And it's, I've had it for probably, yeah, four years, probably a little bit less, but yeah, yeah, getting on to four years and it's worked fine. And it was cheap.

Although it is a little bit, it makes weird noises sometimes. When I turn it off, it sort of just makes these clicky, clicky noises. I know some people said if, you know, when they're going through some trauma that maybe the television's talking to them, but mine's doing Morse code.

Very strange. So opposite me, you know, that's where the television is. So that distance, which is probably for me, probably seven, eight foot away from me, not from my feet, but from my head, because it's really weird.

I remember standing in a tree when I was about eight and there's a bunch of kids. I lived, this is where I lived in my grandparents' house before they moved in. And we used to, me and the other children on the estate, it's a council estate.

And we used to go, not hunting because we didn't have anything to hunt apart from worms. But we used to go with sticks and the bow and arrow, like made their own bow and arrows and just make dens, you know, like little bits of waste ground. And because we were not far, we were surrounded by farms.

But in between those is various bits of waste ground that hadn't been built upon yet. And kids, the children, the thing is when you're a kid, you don't call people children, do you? You don't use the word children until you're an adult. Yes, I'm just, is it okay if I go out with my child friend to go skating? You know, it's like, where were you today, son? I was with the children at the park.

But you're nine, why are you calling them children? But when you're older, it's like, yeah. I don't know, would we use the word adults when I was a kid? I don't remember. I'm sure I might have done.

That's it, Andre, make lots of noise. Good boy. He wants his dinner.

Andre's eating more at the moment. He's being cheeky. He's just run over to his bowl, where his food goes, just to see if the food was in there and looked at me.

And now he's jumped on top of me. That's cheeky, isn't it? He's basically like, he knew it wasn't there. He knows that I'm sitting here and I've not moved.

It's passive aggressive, that's what it is. Passive aggressive with a little bit of mime added to it. A bit of overacting.

Where's my food? Oh my goodness, my food's not there. But I thought it would be. Why is it not there? I know what I'll do.

I'll sniff a little bit into the dish and look around for it, even though it's not there. And it's not a big dish because I'm only little. But I still look around, where is it? It's still not there.

I know, I'll look back at Daddy, see whether or not he'll notice. I'll go and see, is he watching me? Oh, he's not watching. Oh, he's making that recording still.

Why are you still doing that? Oh, at least this will give him something to talk about. I'll go and jump on top of him. Hey, I'm not getting up while I'm doing a recording.

I'm not. Stop sneezing all over me. Stop sneezing all over me.

So I was taking turns to jump out of this tree. It was a branch in a tree. Jumping out of a tree.

It wasn't a big hole in a tree. I would just jump out of the middle of it. Boo! Although I have seen trees like that, where you can actually get inside them.

Maybe not as an adult, but when I was little. I do use the word adult. But when I was little, I don't, even now, I don't really use the word when I was a child.

Although I do perhaps when I make these recordings. When I was little, when I was younger, when I was young, when I was small, when I was but a child, when I was a young'un. And so they were taking turns jumping out of the tree.

And it was like the first branch in the tree. And realistically, it was probably about seven foot up. So it wasn't high.

And I was looking down and said, no, it's high and seven foot. I said, it's not. I said, yeah, it is.

I can see it from here. And they were trying to convince me that actually, it just seems higher because I'm next to five foot on top. I'm looking from my head.

If I had eyes in my toes, it would look a lot shorter down. It wouldn't look so high. I said, I haven't got eyes in my toes.

What kind of rationalization is that? And they said, it wasn't supposed to be rationalization. It was just an example of the fact that you're looking from your head. So you added another five foot on top of the seven.

So you feel like you're 12 foot in the air when actually you're only seven foot. And I said, 12 foot? They said, yeah, seven plus five is 12. I said, is it? Yeah, it is.

So I had to check. So five, six, seven, eight, nine. Oh, it's a butterfly.

Everyone, did you see that butterfly? Are you going to jump, Jason? Oh, I lost count. So five, six, how do you know I'm five foot tall? Because we measured you last week. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Why did you measure me last week? Because we were digging a hole. We were going to bury you. Oh, yeah, yeah.

That was fun, yeah. Five, six, seven, eight. Wouldn't it be easy if you just counted five on top of seven? Yeah, I suppose it would.

So start at seven, you mean, and then add five. Yeah, that's what I mean. Okay, okay.

Seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14. How did you get to 14? You said start at seven. Yeah, so I did.

Seven plus seven is 14. But it wasn't seven plus seven, it's seven plus five. What? Seven plus five.

Oh, I'm confused. Anyway, I still don't want to jump. Oh, go on, jump.

And I don't think I did. I'm not sure. I'm not sure what the end of the story is.

That's why I decided I'm never going to turn that story into a movie, because I don't think the ending is good enough. I think it could be a bit of a disappointing ending to all the moviegoers that have spent loads of money. The story of the tree.

You hear him? I just sometimes think, you know, I've got to put him in his cage every time I make a recording. Oh good, he's gone into his bag. Let's hope he stays there for at least 40 minutes.

I never did like jumping out of trees. I liked climbing up trees, because I always forgot, for some reason, I always forgot that I had to find a way back down. Some people will jump down.

Obviously, I couldn't do that, because I'm not a jumper. I'm a cardigan. No, I'm not a jumper.

I don't jump out of trees. That was a fabric joke. Sorry about that.

And so I'd climb up a tree and then I'd be stuck. I'm basically, basically a cat. That's what cats do, isn't it? They climb up trees easily, and then they forget.

It's like, oh, what am I going to do now? You hear that in the background, don't they? Trying to get out the front door. You wouldn't believe that he sleeps 18 hours a day. And there's times when I can't get him to do anything.

He's just fast asleep. But when he's awake, boy, he is awake. Three, I got caught up with that, being awake.

When he's asleep, he's fast asleep. I think he just wants to say hello to everybody, don't you? He used to do this when I made videos. He'd jump up on me.

Daddy, can I be in a video, please? And I'd say no. He'd say, why do you say no like that? Why so deeply? I said, because I'm feeling manly. Oh, that's weird.

I think I'm going to start putting him in his cage from now on, whenever I make a recording. I can't have him doing this. You don't even want to bite me, do you? He's a good boy.

He's a good boy. He just wants attention. He wants to go out for a walk.

And I will take him out for a walk. I will. I will, Andre.

It might just be to the park, though. I don't know if I'm going to take him all the way around the block. It might just be a quick walk or a slow walk.

I don't do quick walks. I don't really do quick anything. Well, I see him again trying to get onto the table.

Andre, be quiet. It's all I need is a bit of quiet. Again, he wouldn't listen.

He knows I don't want him to do it. He knows he's not allowed on the table, but he still keeps trying to get on there. Stop it.

Behave. So I'm trying to think. Easter.

I mean, technically Easter's over, but technically Easter is today, isn't it? Easter Sunday. Easter Sunday 2019. So this is my 49th Easter, I suppose.

Is that right? Yeah. No. 48th? I don't know.

I'll be 49 in August. Oh, by the way, I've got rid of all the adverts off of the podcasts now, because more people, more complaints, more people moaning about the adverts. I had them thinking that, you know, I could try and cover the cost of running this stuff.

But I've just given up, so I took them off. And hopefully it'll be a nicer experience for everybody that listens. But Easter? I used to have chocolate Easter eggs.

Like most people, but I remember them being really big and being really nice. But I haven't bothered with chocolate eggs, really, as a present to give to anybody else for years and years and years. Because although my parents celebrates, my family celebrate Christmas and invite me to be a part of that.

They don't, well, as far as I know, they don't celebrate Easter, unless they do. And they just, you know, maybe they do. But as far as I know, they don't.

Andre, you'll be going outside a lot quicker than you realise if you keep doing this. I reckon I could reach the window from here. I reckon I could.

Oh, yes. Okay, I want to get a new chair. Actually, I might even get a second hand chair.

I want to get a chair that is... I had to chuck him off the chair. Hopefully he'll go away. I'd like to get a chair.

I mentioned this before, I went with a friend into the heart research shop. It's like a charity shop. And I suppose they just do research on hearts upstairs or something.

And they had these chairs. And they were quite upright at the back. So I've got like lower back issues.

And I was sitting in this chair, and it was really comfortable. And I was just, oh, this is nice. I wasn't reclined.

And it felt like it was good for my back. And it was comfortable. And my feet were on the floor.

And a person I was with said, that's for old people. Like, I said, well, so I've got to wait until I'm 90 before I can be comfortable, before I can sit comfortably. Sitting comfortably and supporting your back is really... Well, just being comfortable, isn't that like the whole point of having a chair? Isn't that the whole point of... If you've got... Well, I don't know, maybe people wear shoes that are uncomfortable, don't they sometimes? I don't.

My shoes, I don't buy shoes necessarily for comfort. You know, they're to walk in. So to be comfortable and I suppose how they look and stuff.

Because I've got some shoes that are now running out. I've got holes in the bottom, and they're just scratched. And you know, but they were quite, I wouldn't say expensive, but they were fairly good quality shoes when I bought them back in 2014, I think it was.

But I tell you, when I first started wearing them, I heard a little ferret sneeze. And I thought, what on earth? Is there a ferret in my shoes? But there wasn't. And that was before Andre was even born, Andre.

And they were so tight, and I just, they're uncomfortable. I broke them in. Now they are comfortable.

Well, they're comfortable apart from the bottoms, because the bottom's just a bit holey. So I need to get some new shoes. But they lasted me for a while.

But the idea of wearing high heels or some kind of shoe that was uncomfortable, I can't, I can't understand it. I don't. I think the only way I would wear high heels is if it made my stomach look slim.

Because I know that some women have told me that they wear high heels because it shapes their legs the way they want. They like the way it makes their legs look or something. So if it, if I wore high heels, and my belly just disappeared, and I was slim, then you'd be seeing me wearing high heels all the time, probably.

Well, you wouldn't be seeing me because you don't see me, do you? You just hear me. But I'd probably be wearing them even when I, when I made recordings. It's weird, I'm now just, Andre's just rested.

He's laying on his back, and I'm just stroking him. And he's behaving himself. Because I'm not letting him off.

I kind of got a little, he's sighing. He does that every now and then. But I'm not letting him go.

But then sometimes when I do this, I think, well, maybe he needs to go to the toilet. But guaranteed, if I let him go, he will just run off, start scratching at the door, the front door, just being naughty again. And I don't want him to do that.

Maybe it's because I didn't buy him an Easter egg. Well, there you go, get off then. Sometimes if I hold him long enough, he'll get off and I'll go into his bag.

So that I can't, well, he thinks I can't get to him. I've been looking at some books that I can read that are out of copyright. And I don't know which ones to do.

I want to read something that's interesting to me. I'd say one book I'm not going to read and that's Moby Dick. I actually, I've got that as an audio book.

I thought, yeah, I'm going to lay down, listen to this. Because I've watched the film a long time ago, but it was, as far as I recall, it was a good film. And it's a classic book.

And in the beginning it was just talking about, it was more nonsense than I do. It's like, oh my God, someone's just rambling on about nothing. So yeah, I didn't, I didn't listen to the end.

Mind you, perhaps that's the perfect book. I don't know. So my intention from now onwards is to make one of these recordings every day.

A new, let me bore you to sleep every day. And a new deep sleep whisper every day. As well as some other new stuff, other hypnosis-y stuff that I'm planning to do.

And I'm just thinking I'll just do that. Upload them onto the podcasts and do nothing else. Don't worry about anything else.

Don't bother about websites or, you know, I'll just share them on Facebook and Twitter and probably YouTube as well. But ultimately I'm just not going to worry anymore. Just going to relax and just make the recordings.

And hopefully the people that listen to them will share them. And tell other people about, you know, what I do. And that's what I'm hoping.

See, I don't know if that's happening. It might be. I really don't know.

I've also got a new Facebook page specifically for the let me bore you to sleep listeners. I suppose if you just put let me bore you to sleep into Facebook, it will come up. And I thought that'd be nice because just a specific place where you can congregate and celebrate my boringness and maybe let me know how you're getting on.

How it's, how useful listening to my incredibly exciting voice is to you. And maybe from there you can share the recordings with your Facebook friends so we can build a, or maybe help more people to be bored. And also it's a place where you can contact me, I suppose, and let me know what it is that you would like.

And it's specific just for the let me bore you to sleep. So it gives me more of an idea of who's listening and, you know, so Facebook, just search for let me bore you to sleep. It's a, is it a group or is it a page? It's one of them.

But it's open to the public. It's open to everybody. So you don't have to join.

You can like the page, but you don't have to, it's not hidden or anything like that. You don't have to request to join. And I might even, you know, I might be able to even mention you in a recording, if you liked.

I could say this recording is, is dedicated to Busty Barbara from Preston. Talking of Busty Barbara, I had a friend request yesterday. And it's, it was a lady called Danica.

And that name seems familiar to me for some reason. And it was a picture of the person that was in a bikini. So like, you know, it's the lady was in a bikini, a young woman.

And I thought, oh, is this just another scam Facebook? Because I get a lot of those. But then I thought, the name sounds familiar to me. So I just added, I said, I accepted the request.

And the reason is because probably it could be 10 years ago. You know, it's a long time ago. I was continuously getting Facebook requests from dodgy, fake accounts, you know, with a young woman on the front.

But it wasn't real. It wasn't, you know, they'd start sending me messages, asking me to send them money and, you know, things like that. So that I could, so they wanted to date me, you know, you know, those kind of, but it was fake.

It was, you know, they weren't who they said they were. And I got a friend request from this picture, well, it was from a Facebook person. And again, it was this young female that looked like a model, kind of.

And I thought, that's enough. I've had enough of this. And I text, I messaged her, messaged, messaged her.

Messenger wasn't around back then. It was just a straight message on Facebook. And I said, Oi, are you, are you a real person or are you just another fake woman trying to get my money? Or perhaps she'd have worded it a bit better than that.

And she said, actually, I'm a real person. And one of my friends recommended you because of the pain relief you do. And then she added a little bit more on the end, which wasn't quite so complimentary to me.

Because I think I'd maybe not, not started off in the right vein. And I thought, I can't believe it. It's just, it's so hard to know who's online, who's genuine and who's, especially on Facebook, when people request to join, you know, to become a friend of mine on Facebook.

And an easy way is if I look and 300 of their friends are already friends of me, then I can see that there's that connection. Anyway, I'm going to make this a little bit short because Andre is a bit relentless with his need to go out. And he's back on me again.

Next time I'm going to put him in his cage so he can't disturb me. And so sorry about any background sounds and stuff on this recording. I'll try and actually closed all the windows, just to try and block out any background sound and then all the background sound being created inside the flat.

Nevermind. You take care of yourselves. And I'll speak to you tomorrow.

Bye. That's it. Andre just run away.

And now he's going in his bag. Now that I've finished it, he's gone in his bag and he's going to be quiet now. How wonderful.