#124 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (5th April 2019)

Hello and welcome to LetMeBallYouToSleep.com My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep and please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes because you may be bored to sleep. If you like what I do and would like to support this free service please visit paypal.me.me forward slash Jason Newland So I haven't recorded one of these.

I'm just gonna get all squeaky for a second. I didn't record one of these last night because a friend, my friend's girlfriend decided that she knocked on the door and wanted to stay for the night because she she'd lost touch with him and couldn't get hold of him so um I couldn't do a recording which is a bit annoying but I'm doing one now yeah I was on the bus earlier today and it was kind of it was weird because there's a bit of a bit of a commotion last night and I just didn't get much sleep and when I did go to bed which was probably six or seven or something and I woke up at 10 in the morning and I thought no no no no no no no that won't do so I went back to bed.

I did a quick wee or it might be an average length wee I don't know but I went to the toilet you know did a toilet and did a toilet one might two and and I woke up again at 11am and I thought I don't know I was I was just standing in the living room and I thought I'm awake am I I'm awake so I might as well just well should I go back to bed or should I have some breakfast and the breakfast won the idea of having a little bit of food in

my tummy actually won the toss so that's what I did and and I got another knock on the door and that was yeah it was the same my friend's girlfriend again and I can't remember what she wanted I think she just wanted to thank me for helping her out last night and I was literally just about to go back to bed because I had my breakfast and I thought I'll go back to bed and I might have even been laying down I can't remember or I might have been sitting in my chair this chair that

I'm sitting in now I don't think at that point I'd even looked at my laptop to you know do the general checking of stats and you know checking messages and stuff and so I thought to myself I thought should I go back to bed because I was sort of tired but not hugely tired but definitely tired enough to fall asleep or shall I go into town so what I thought is let's have a look what time it is and you know for the buses and I looked at the time I think I looked at my

phone and just and it was like quarter to what was it quarter to 12 no quarter one something like that yeah that would make sense wouldn't it about quarter to one and I thought yeah I'll go into town so that's what I did I got I walked up to the bus stop Andre wanted to go out for a walk so I had to just give him a cuddle give him a kiss and say look can't take you out now I need you to look after our home for us while I'm out and he said well

what a game I said yeah he said why me I said because you're you're the man in charge when I'm not here you're a big boy now and I need you just you know keep a line of place do your regular checks of each room and yeah just you know just maybe get onto some of the surfaces and knock stuff off onto the floor you know just general stuff that you know I love you doing he said you don't really like me doing that do you I said no I don't he said I thought so

I said well why do you do it then Andre he said because I didn't think you liked it it makes me chuckle so yeah and so I put him on the floor I said I'll see you in a little while I think I'm definitely gonna be falling asleep before the end of this I really am tired I think I'm gonna um fall asleep um sometime sometime and so I'm waiting I walked to the to the bus stop and I got my jacket undone it's breezy but it's not cold but it is chilly but it's not

cold you know it's that kind of temperature that I'm okay with I'm not really I'm not a huge fan of hot or like cold cold just I like I like spring temperature you know that kind of just springy like 20 degrees or whatever it is quite like that it's a nice temperature for me and but I know the world doesn't you know the weather system is not commanded by me although when I was a kid I used to believe that I had the power to make it rain I'm not talking about inside my underpants or

in my bed I'm talking about like really from the clouds I believed it and I'm not talking about when I was five or six when I was 11 I believed and I told the teachers maybe that's where I went wrong maybe I didn't start off in such a good a good way with the teachers because I was telling them all that I had special powers and I could I could I believed I could move clouds by looking at them but in all fairness when I looked at them they did move in the same way as

when I drop a ball I can make it fall to the ground so I actually believed I could make it rain and sometimes it actually did rain but if you stand in a field every day for 10 years eventually you're going to be able to predict the weather if you keep saying hail it's going to hail now if you keep doing that enough days in a row eventually when you say the word now it will hail but it's a lot of effort I mean that's that's one of the magic tricks isn't it where you think

so if I think of a number or a card from a deck of cards you know it was a 52 cards and you say and you get to take a camera with you into the streets and you film yourself asking members of the public to think of think of a card in their head but don't say it out loud and then you tell them what it is you know as the magician or the mentalist you know the magic person you say for the hearts and they go no it's not but if you record yourself film

yourself talking to enough people someone will say yeah it was because they'll have thought of that card and their reaction will be phenomenal they'll go ah and they start doing handstands and start juggling babies it's amazing it's because it it's such it's like magic like real magic you know how can you mind read someone and predict what card they are thinking in their mind when actually you've been you've seen maybe 300 people maybe more and you said the same card to all of them and everyone else has said no it was actually the fourth of

spades sorry about that young man um but when you do do it and you get it the right person it makes brilliant television you know in the same way you could do that with a you could stand in front of a coffee shop window and you can stick a a piece of card on the inside of the window saying hi amy or hi becky you could stand in front of them in front of it so no one can see it and just speak to lots of women say what's your name and they say rebecca or

paula but then if they say my name's becky you could move and just present hi becky of course if you if you did it with the wrong name the wrong one it wouldn't work so well but or another yes and if they do put it on a piece of like on a write it on a card you're like a pack of cards so if you just write hi amy and stick it against the inside of the window and what you do is say what is your name amy okay and you just chuck the cards at

the window and then it's left on the inside it's like wow that's amazing and then you get your own television show and it's brilliant and you can have a long career as a magician and then 30 years later things might go a little bit different but perhaps you get to date a supermodel for a while you know but it's i think our most famous darren brown and i forget his name now what's his name uh not spatula that'd be a weird name for magician now welcome on stage the great spatula not right beena and i

forget there used to be a lot of magicians when i was a kid used to be really quite popular on television and when i did i used to do talent shows uh when i was like early 20s and mainly it was comedy but i did talent shows where it was like anything you know singing magic or any of that kind of stuff and it's i think you i think magicians should win a talent contest just for turning up because you notice how how croaky my voice is i'll have a drink see if i can get

that all sorted smooth again like a bar of chocolate that's better it's still yeah still croaky a little bit that's okay it's because i'm talking really softly ah that's better nothing like cleaving your throat is that while recording mmm phlegmy so give them the first prize to the magician they've got to lug all that stuff around with them wherever they go but if you do if you're a singer and you're doing a contest you just got to basically turn up with a tape or cd your backing track that's about it and there's already going to

be a microphone and you know if you're a comic comedian just turn up with yourself and hopefully with a memory and some jokes unless you're doing like sight gags where you've got a bag full of things to pull out i suppose ventriloquists that's a lot of stuff to carry around as well and see in america those of you in america there was a ventriloquist who won america's got talent and was it a couple of years maybe three four years ago so what you don't realize or you might not realize but he was already a professional

ventriloquist in the uk he wasn't just like an amateur or anything he used to do gigs and get paid in the headline at the comedy club i used to be at in the late 90s and you should have seen the audience it's like the audience would just regress back to being children you know they'd be laughing but they'd also be kind of wide-eyed and just it's like fantasyland again and absolutely amazing to watch and because he had lots of props i used to when he'd get off stage i used to go back on stage and

like try and get all his bits back and put them into the box because he needed to run off and do another gig at the comedy store or jonglers or some you know another club but is it paul zenon i forget his name b he's he was a big big name in the uk as far as you know being a ventriloquist of course being in america and winning a contest like that puts him you know in a massive position of being one of the world's most famous hypnotists i guess not hypnotists ventriloquists after there's a

couple isn't it in america what's his name i forget his name but there's a really famous american ventriloquist he's done quite a few i think a stand-up specials and stuff i forget his name see when i was a kid we had a few ventriloquists there was keith harris but before i tell you that those in england they're not that keith harris if you're over the age of 40 if you're under the age of 40 you might not know because he was sort of late 70s 80s and you still might yeah maybe under 30s you might

not know but he was brilliant and he had two main puppets one was called orville the duck and the other one was cuddles the monkey and this is quite nostalgic for people in england in america you may never have heard of this so i would recommend if you're still awake google keith harris and orville that's o-r-v-i-l-l-e i mean nowadays if you put orville into google you probably come up with the family guy bloke who does that tv shows kind of like star trek which i like to watch and but orville the duck you put that

in or you can google i wish i could fly because he did this song it's like i wish i could fly to the sky but i can't you go you can i can't i won't sing it but you know it goes on it's very funny and i actually saw him live when i was on a tv show with my school and he was keith harris was on there brilliant brilliant there was a ventriloquist who i can't remember his name but his act was he was a stand-up comedian and his act was walking on stage and

his he didn't have a dummy didn't have like a cuddly toy with his hand that was bummed like you know talking and stuff he held a brick like a you know a brick that houses are built of and he just talked with his mouth he didn't try and hold him you know just so what's what's your name i'm a brick and it's just it was that kind of thing it was very funny though very funny um what other ventriloquists have i seen i suppose sooty and sweep but they used to be a show called the

sooty and sweep show or the sooty show and it was these little puppets and they used to be on when i was a kid i don't know if it's still on they were puppets but also rainbow was a tv show for kids and that had puppets that zippy bungle and i don't know who else i suppose the muppet show was i mean they weren't puppets they were muppets i suppose the difference is they were kind of they were puppets but they were more sophisticated than puppets i suppose because i i don't know it's just it

was different because their hands are operated by like little rods but they're not little sticks and stuff oh there is a lady that does she's a ventriloquist and she puts a contraption on people and she gets members of the audience onto the stage and puts this thing on their mouth which allows her to open their mouth up like it's got lips and it opens and she does the voices for them so that's i can't remember her name conti something conti conti i need i forget but i'm sure her surname's conti c-o-n-t-i i think um whoever

ventriloquist have i seen i don't remember even all those years in the night club you know comedy clubs and stuff didn't see many ventriloquists which is kind of weird because with a ventriloquist the audience straight away are open to liking you they kind of already like you because you're doing something that it takes skill to start with but it's also this effort put in and this and it's kind of a throwback from when maybe we reach younger so really it's i think a ventriloquist act is basically there for them to ruin ruin you know if

they don't do very well it's kind of because i didn't do very well you know the audience would probably laugh at just the fact that a puppet's moving its mouth it's quite funny isn't it i suppose especially if it's got a nice voice like that kind of i wasn't a really big fan of puppets that didn't talk properly you know like on the muppet show he's like i do like funny sounds apart from when the boiler makes them but i don't know i didn't enjoy all of the puppets or the muppets rather not all of

them and i used to watch sesame street as well not for me but for my little brother and because he wanted to watch the other side so i i'd insist on watching sesame street just to annoy him you know i'm just joking he he was this chair is very squeaky today i think what it is is i'm just moving around i'm trying to stretch my legs a little bit because i was on my knees yesterday for a little bit and i i don't spend much time on my knees which may surprise you may not surprise

you i don't know but my knees aren't really built for kneeling on you know they're not they're not there i don't think there's anything wrong with my knees like i don't think they're if you saw them i don't think you'd laugh yeah i don't think you'd laugh i don't think they're they're not comical knees um but i just yeah kneeling down just it feels wrong i don't mean morally it just it just it's just uncomfortable that's all really you know and i feel when you get to the to grand old age like myself it's kind

of got to like weigh things up you know how much how much discomfort am i really willing to tolerate maybe not i feel that's part of the reason why i'm single so i joined the gym today joined the gym yeah in fact at precisely precisely precisely i don't know the exact precise time but it was i don't know it's gone three maybe half three no no ah no i'd say about quarter past three i actually had two gym memberships and i've never had two gym memberships in my life never i've never walked around with a

goldfish on my head either but and that's a different thing but i've never had like why would you need two gym memberships well i don't but here's what happened this is this is interesting i i joined a gym in it's over a month what is it month it's april now and last week or the week before i just paid for the second month's membership so i'd had it since beginning of february time and i've not been yet and i thought is this you know what is there any point having a gym membership when i don't

attend the gym and i you know sort of had a little conversation with myself trying to figure it out and i came up with a conclusion that it didn't seem like a very good idea however i was going to keep the membership it's weird sounds weird like as a punishment for not going to the gym so that money i was paying out that 13 pound a month was going to be my punishment for not attending the gym so i started to think oh perhaps i should attend the gym and i've been thinking more and more

that i'd like to go to the gym but the problem with i stopped saying the word gym the problem is with this place to physically work out this big room with lots of machines and stuff i you know i add 24 hour access to it which is you know it's good that's that's nice you know it gives me what it means i can go any time i want but it involves traveling all the way into town and i haven't made the effort and it's a nice gym there's a big old gym well it's not big

but it's it's a nice nice enough size but i decided no i'm never gonna go i used to go to it for a little while in the past and i thought i don't think i'm gonna go so what i did is i found a local gym that's actually closer because the one hence the local term and i thought hmm i went online and searched and just just a bit too expensive they had quite a few different levels of membership and you know clearly i didn't need the super duper whooper one but at the same time

i didn't want a dog poo one either you know so it's kind of which level i need kind of a medium size kind of level and i phoned them up a couple of weeks ago i said hello they said oh hello i said uh yeah i'm just uh interested about the gym they said oh yeah you did say the word gym then i thought thought you weren't gonna say the word gym anymore i said how do you know about that he said i didn't i don't know just thought it'd be funny to say okay can

we go back to the professional conversation that we had yeah okay now i said oh i'm interested in the gym he said oh yes actually it was a lady she said oh yes uh what do you want to know so i didn't want to say everything because some people take that literally well 23 years ago we laid the foundations of the building we you know we built the yes we we had a plan a business plan but we weren't sure how it was going to go we needed to get financing lots of business meetings i

didn't need you know that much information but i said uh no just what do you have in the gym and the costs this is when i got a little bit it seemed a little bit silly a little bit uh what the right word is annoying probably would be the word because they took my telephone number said that i could come in and have a look at the gym the next day i woke up three missed telephone calls from that gym wow they're hounding me so i kind of i didn't like them for a bit and

then this week i thought perhaps i should go and have a little look and then today i went into town i did something then i came back and i thought i know what i'm gonna do because i got on the wrong bus that i kind of purposely got on i think it's not really the wrong bus but as i got to the bus station my bus was pulling away and i waved my hands and it didn't didn't stop it just carried on so i you know so it was a case of waiting for 30 minutes

for the next bus and there was another bus going part of the way back but not the whole way back and i thought well actually i didn't there was two there was one and i waited for that and the bus driver got out and just walked off closed the doors and walked off before that though as the bus was pulling off the one that i waved at i was you know a little bit peeved and there was some bloke laughing he found it very funny very very funny i didn't i didn't really agree with him

i didn't really find it very funny at all anyway we were waiting for this bus and the bus driver had gone off and i was like okay because this bus would have taken me part of the way but you know at least then i'd be indoors you know i'd be i'd be in shelter i'd be warm and i preferred that rather than just standing on the bus station it's a bit chilly and then another bus came along which takes me even further closer to where i wanted to go so i thought ah i'm gonna get

on that one which i did so i got on that one and it's only once i got on that one because i didn't really want to have to walk the rest of the way home so i thought to myself hmm now look can i have the little plan in my head i thought well if i go to the gym have a look around then come back across the road and maybe it'd be another five minutes and the bus would be there the the you know the original bus that i wanted or the next bus rather

which means it would be able to bring me home so that's what i did i got off at the bus stop there was actually two other people getting off with me because i was about to press the button to stop the bus but someone else pressed the button first but i couldn't see who it was so i think it might be someone behind me but i got off first because i was closest to the door and i didn't have my jacket on i took it off when i was inside the bus because it was quite

warm inside there but once i got outside i needed to put the jacket on and i i thought where's the gym i can't see it but then the bus drove away the bus was hiding the gym i don't mean it was in the road but it was the other side of the road and i the bus didn't drive over the gym yeah the gym was inside the bus so i crossed the road went to the entrance i asked someone actually i thought well this person looks like they work here me i'll ask i'll ask her

where the gym is but she didn't work there i don't know what i thought i just i'm sure it looked like she came out of a uh i don't know an employee room or something i added that little bit at the end i didn't i just i just wanted to know where the gym was really that was really all i was thinking about anyway i found it by myself very pleased didn't need a map went in and the receptionist that the man right i've heard isn't that was there very very friendly and i said i'm

just here to have a look at the gym he said you want to go through and have a look what do you want me to take you i said yeah take me come on get off your ass come on do some work and he giggled i didn't say that my there's a swimming pool in there and there's a sauna and stuff my glasses steamed up straight away i had to literally take them off to see where i was going and that's gotta be one of the most boring things you've heard for a while so then

we walked up to the gym i followed him because otherwise i didn't know where to go today and he showed me into this room so i thought what do you see the swimming pool because it was directly in front of me and the it's not a big gym but it's it's you know it's got uh running machines cross runners stuff like that uh weight machines you know things like press-ups not press-ups you know bench presses and leg machines for your legs and arms and stuff like that and there's a punch bag in there as well

which i was quite pleased about because that's something that i'm definitely going to be playing with and he said to me he said i said how much is it come on son let's get rid of all the waffle how much is it and he said 18 pound a month so my other membership was 13 pound so it's five pound less i just counted that on my fingers five pound no more rather a month but i can only go there i've got a window of two hours a day you know seven days a week i've got

just a period of two hours i'm allowed to go that's like the quiet period which suits me fine in my mind with my situation as it is although you know i would have liked to have a little bit more flexibility but i think for the cost it's okay you know considering it's local if i use it and i do go every day for a couple of hours that's you know i mean i've already got an adonis body you know i've already it's you know it's been my downfall for many years having such an amazing physique

i think sometimes gets in the way of normal everyday living there's a lot of jealousy out there and you know if people aren't being jealous they're falling in love with me so it's kind of you know they want to be me it's it's a strange one but i think going to the gym is more about helping me emotionally and it's hopefully you know i'll be able to increase my happy hormones or whatever you want to call them so that should be good so i'll be looking forward to that so i said to them i said

hey listen because first of all i said thanks very much for showing around very much enjoyed it it was the highlight of my day i can't tell you how much i appreciate the effort you have given to me a simple man doesn't ask so much out of life just the common courtesy of being shown around a gym when necessary and you my friend have fulfilled that task splendidly and i would happily give you a letter of recommendation for any future employer that you may wish to uh you know apply for a job to and he

said all right and i said by the way where's the toilet i need a shit he said okay it's just up the road just not up the road it's just actually he said to me it's the second door on the right it wasn't it was the second door on the left so i'm a little bit worried whether or not he knows what he's doing but anyway i went to the toilet came back and i thought hmm maybe i should just sign up now so i went up back to the reception i said you said it

was 18 18 18 pound he said yes i did i said but you said um because it comes out the first of the month and we're already into the month there'd be a pro rata he said yes so how much would it be now then uh if i paid you for the rest of this month and then i set up a direct debit for the first of from the first of may he said let me look and have a look and see i said did you say let me look and have a look and see

he said no i said okay and he said yeah 16 pound that's what it'll be sir i said oh wow that's brilliant so that's what i did i said you got a form i've got to fill in can you help me and get it done quickly because i've got to catch a bus and he said when is the bus i said i don't know he said well how do you know when you're going to catch it i said i just don't want to fill the form in i was hoping that you'd do it he said

well i can do part of it but i don't know what your name is don't i and i said oh yeah it's a good point he said if you fill that bit in i can fill the other bit in so i filled my name in and address and stuff and i let him fill the bank details in because it just just gave me my card i said you can keep that i've got loads and the uh it's all set up and he gave me a membership card so now i'm walking out of there walking towards

a bus stop figuring that the bus would be there at some point but probably within five minutes ish you know maybe 10 but i've got a member of two gyms so i cross the road wait at the bus stop it couldn't have been more than maybe six or seven minutes it arrives they get on the bus driver was actually quite friendly he said hello actually probably not that friendly so hello maybe not hello is it me you're looking for he said hello hi good afternoon something like that anyway i said uh do not address me

in such a way i'm above you in every way and i didn't i just said oh yeah i just got on and uh went and sat down and i got off at the normal bus stop that i do and just came in and i thought you know what if i don't cancel the other thing direct debit that i've got you know the cancer devil gym membership rather i'm gonna have two memberships and that ain't right it didn't sit well with me that's all i'm saying so i thought okay what i'll do is as i'm owned

and i was a little bit tired if i'm honest as i'm owned as i'm owned i'll click the old laptop on and i'll have a little look so i went on to the website for the other gym the one that i was already a member of so i went to cancel it you couldn't just cancel it it didn't make it easy they said well in order to cancel you must contact your bank and cancel the direct debit with them directly so i tried to log into my banking online couldn't get in forgotten the password and

i tried twice and i thought it's gonna lock me out if i try again so what i did is i called the bank and i got through and the answer machine says we are having a record amount of traffic today a record amount it's going to be a very very long wait so about three minutes later i was talking to someone so you know i don't know what happened there and the lady was really friendly and she it's quite weird to say really friendly because call centre operatives aren't usually like rude i've had a few

but generally they're not like yeah they've answered the phone yeah what do you want it's like hello you are through to bank how can how can one help yourself how can yeah anything you want anything yeah we do extras everything you want i said i only want to cancel a direct debit please and she said oh okay and uh she said wait a minute i just need to finish off me hobnob i said what she said no this is afternoon tea isn't it i said oh okay so she said um be nice weather hasn't it

i said not really it's been really windy and cold she said oh it's nice where i am it's nice that's helpful and uh she said so which direct debit is it i said as i told her it's a gym and she said uh i said okay thanks she said it's all cancelled she didn't say it like that she said it's all cancelled yes it is she said i said also i couldn't log into my online banking she said well it's uh i said what another thing is i put in my password i've got an app

on my phone same passwords i thought it would be the same password she said no many people have thought that but it's not the case many people have thought that the password would be the same you know be in the same company the same bank you think it would be the same but no it's not it's a different password yeah i said okay um so what am i supposed to do so well i can send you a link and just sort it out and she did and it's done so yeah got that done and so

now now she did say thank you at the end said thank you very much i said you know what it was my pleasure i'm really pleased you know to give you the opportunity to give me the customer service that i deserve so thank you she said no no thank you i said no no thank you she said thank you i said no no thank you she said thank you i said like switch your manager please she referred to the manager and she says hello help i said thank you he said what i said thank you

he said you're welcome and he put the phone down seemed a bit rude i was only getting started i don't know the professionalism doesn't seem to be there anymore maybe it's just me but check out keith and cuddles and keith harris so it's orville and cuddles and it was so good he had this curly hair and a lovely smile and it's lovely black i know the curliness of his hair isn't really relevant to his skill as a ventriloquist but i don't know i just i think fondly about him fond fondly not fondingly fond fondly because

i don't know i suppose like it's an innocent kind of time and he's these puppets and you know it's funny they're just because they're kind of i suppose really what it was is they were like children talking to him and he was the parent and they were being rude to him but because they were puppets it was okay but as children we knew we wouldn't be able to get away with it i think that's kind of maybe how it worked anyway i'm gonna go i will be reading the book at some point but i think

if i'd have tried to read a book tonight i would have fallen asleep that's what i think anyway i'm gonna go now go to sleep now bye