#109 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (8th March 2019)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep, number seven thousand and three. I'm not actually sure what number it is. It's just me talking to you.

So, Andre's over there in his brown and green bag. It's mainly brown. I actually, I think I disturb his sleep which is why quite often when I'm talking he does come out and start scratching and making sort of noises.

So I think I'm doing the opposite to him to what I'm doing to you. With you, I'm helping you to... No, not necessarily for your mind to shut down but kind of a little bit like that. So please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes.

If you're watching on video on YouTube, thank you for subscribing and for supporting me. And also whatever podcast you're listening on, whether it's Spotify, whether it's iTunes, maybe you're listening on my website, remember to make a little donation. You know what you could do if you really wanted.

You could leave, every time you listen to one of my recordings, you go to my website and you can leave a little donation. Leave a little present. That sounds bad, doesn't it? People say that about their dogs and they say, yeah, I don't mind you visiting and having your dog in the house, but he's left another little present.

So yeah, even if it's just a couple of grand, a couple of thousand pounds is fine, or a dollar, one dollar. It's kind of, this is what I do worth the price of a chocolate bar. You know what I mean? So, there was someone I want to say, is it Miriam? Miriam? Miramium? Miramium? There's a lady that said that she thanked me for sending me to sleep, not sending me to sleep, sending her to sleep.

And I could only see her picture, it's a very small picture, but she looked nice, so I thought I'd give you a shout out so you could fall in love with me. Imagine if life was that simple. All you have to do is just say the person's name and they'll love you.

Wow. Okay. Let's basically just get a big long list.

What's the name of the person that does American Idol? She's doing it at the moment. I can never remember her name. She was married to Brand.

What's his name? Russell Brand. I forget her name. She's like one of the biggest female singers, artists in the world.

I just can't, I always forget her name. But I really like her. She did Roar.

She did, what's that one, Fireworks? It might be called Fireworks. She's done quite a few songs. It's kind of weird, you know when you say, oh, I find this person attractive.

And there's a little bit, I think in all of us, it's like, well, yeah, you and millions of other people. She's a big, famous star. Millions of people found her attractive.

It's just, there's nothing unusual about that. The thing is, I'm really attracted to people. Rarely, not really, but rarely.

I have a very particular set of skills and I have a very particular type of person that I like. And, you know, take away the personality side of things. Because, let's face it, from a picture or from a moving image or a moving image, wow, I really am sounding old.

What was moving images? Do you mean movies, films? Yeah, it's moving images, the pictures, the flex. And anyway, this lady, Miriam, I forget, I looked at the name, I looked at her comment just before I started and it's gone out of my head already. She said that she really likes my blogs, no, not my blogs, my audios, these sessions, she likes them on Spotify and on YouTube.

Or does she? Because she never gets to hear the whole thing. Because after about 10 minutes, her ears just start bleeding. I just can't take any more.

And then she falls asleep, which is really good because that's what this is all about. It's a mixture of falling asleep and me amusing myself. I said musing, not pleasuring, amusing.

So there's pleasure in it, but it's not a euphemism for pleasure. It's definitely just stop, I'm moving on to the next subject. I was thinking about saying what, I feel like talking about how wonderful I am.

I thought I'd talk about that today because I don't talk enough about myself. That's what I thought, you know, you know what I need to do? I need to spend more time discussing my own life. Just, you know, so what I thought I would do is, I can't be bothered really.

The thing is, if I do that, then I start thinking, okay, I'm going to be, I'm going to choose a subject and I'm going to stick to that subject. And I can't be bothered because, you know, that kind of goes against my morals. It goes against the freeness of this because it's unscripted, obviously, because if this was scripted, it's scripted by the worst script writer in history.

It's, you know, someone that's never going to get a job. So obviously it's unscripted. It's just me talking about whatever.

And I find it much easier to do this when I'm on my own. It's not because of the things I do when I'm doing it, you know, things I'm doing, things I can't do if other people were about. It's not just because of that.

You know, I mean, I could do this when I was on the toilet if I wanted to. I generally don't. And there was one time, oh dear, I don't know if I've ever told, mentioned this.

I needed to go to the doctor and collect my prescription. Or actually it was put the prescription in, that's it. So they got sent to the pharmacy.

Now I kind of organise this so it automatically gets sent to the pharmacy on a six week run or six month run and just have to renew it. Anyway, that's not really, you know, why am I stopping myself from being boring? I was going to say that's not very interesting, but it's not supposed to be, is it? Blimey, I have to get a grip with what I'm doing. It's supposed to be pointless, what I'm saying.

I just want to tell the story because I think it's quite kind of funny. I don't know what day it was. I have a tendency of sometimes leaving things to the last minute.

You know, it's a little bit like, sometimes I'm laying in bed and I know I need to go to the toilet. I need to do a wee wee. And I can't be bothered because I'm comfortable.

Because no matter how uncomfortable I am, sometimes when I go to bed, I'm always comfortable when I wake up. I swear, I reckon I could fall down some stairs and get knocked unconscious and wake up feeling wonderful and be all mangled at the bottom of the stairs, but just so comfortable and relaxed. Just got some kind of weird body that seems to just adapt to whatever I'm lying on.

Even if I was on the floor, I'd wake up like, oh, I don't want to fall down stairs, although I have done in the past. I used to do that years ago to avoid going to school. And then one day one of my teachers said, Jason, you're already here.

And I said, oh, okay, fair enough. We're all standing there watching you. It's not going to work.

So I needed to go to get to the doctors to put the prescription in. And I'd had a bad stomach for a few days. Just every now and then I get a little bit of a bad spit, you know.

I think nothing big or anything. I don't mean I'm not trying to be clever. I'm not showing off, but sometimes I get the shits, you know, just generally.

And I kind of have to stay indoors pretty much. And my doctor's surgery is a bus ride away. It's not close.

If I was to walk it, it'd be over an hour, probably about an hour and a half to walk it. Maybe an hour and 15, 20 minutes, something like that. And I just thought, well, it's all right.

I'll, you know, I'll keep putting it off. I'll do it tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow.

A bit like changing the water in a goldfish bowl. You do it tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow and eventually I'm never going to have to change it again.

Where's the toilet? You know, I think we've all kind of been there. And I just, that's why I have to be careful with Andre. Like, I'll feed him tomorrow.

I'll feed him tomorrow. No, if I did that, I'd wake up and like my toes would be missing because it'd be chomping on them. He's going to eat regardless.

So basically what I needed to do, I need to go to the toilet and I went to the toilet and I thought I'm not ready to go to the doctor's yet. Then it got to the point where it was, I had to do it because the prescription was due and I'd run out of my medication. So I walk up to the bus stop to get the bus, which is usually the only reason I ever go to the bus stop.

Unless I'm going there with someone else that's catching a bus. And there's been times when I've walked up to the bus stop and I've stayed at the bus stop until the bus gets there. But then the problem is when my friend or whoever it is is getting onto the bus, it's quite difficult to cross the road when you're in front of the bus.

Because you can't see around it. You can't see over it unless you're really tall or happen to be wearing stilts. And you just, anyway, that's not really relevant.

So I go to the bus stop. I don't remember, I'm not even sure if it was a summer. It wasn't raining, but I don't know if it was summer.

It might have been just like an average grey English day. England's quite grey. Yes, we have sunny days and some, you know, blue skies and stuff.

But there's a greyness that's here. It was one of those grey days. And I was going to say the sky was like a pubic hair, but it wasn't.

I don't even know why I think of that. Like a grey pube. So I go to the bus stop and my stomach starts rumbling and I have to move.

I realise I have to go home. So I phone the doctor's surgery and I have to walk through the park to get home. And I'm just, I'm on hold.

All I want to do is ask them, please, can they just send the prescription to the pharmacist? Because I can't get there. I can't get to the doctors because of my upset stomach. I'm on the phone and I'm on hold.

We value your customer, whatever. You're now number 32 in the queue, something like that. So I'm down to like two or three, four in the queue.

And I'm walking and I have to, I can't run in case I dislodge something. You know? So I have to kind of, because it's a little bit like, you know, how to explain it? You know, like a beaver, like a beaver. I don't mean, it's not a euphemism again.

It's a, you know, like a dam. Beavers make dams. They, you know, make the logs and the logs kind of blocks the rest of the water and, you know, but the dam is going to kind of, you know, the logs are going to move, which is a case of now of when, but they all will move, but you just don't want to touch them.

Or if you think about it, it's like Kaplunk, remember the game Kaplunk? And you have to pull the spikes out and all marbles are there. But if you pull the wrong one out, all the marbles fall out. And you know, they're going to go anyway.

Or it could be a game of buckaroo, a Sydney kind of thing. You take one little thing off of the saddle of the donkey and it buckaroos. Sometimes you don't have to touch it.

Just a bit of movement of the table and it goes. Well, that's kind of the level I was at. I realised that everything could just go at any second.

So I had to be swift, yet gentle with my movement. Almost like skating. Well, skating on thin ice is probably quite a good analogy for that, but there was no ice.

So I went home, still on hold, and I feel a sense of emotional release as I walk up to my front door, put the key in, open it. Still got the phone to my ear. I managed to get my coat off.

I think I was chucked out on the floor or on the bed. Still got the phone to my ear. Get into the bathroom and pull my trousers down, my pants down.

I sit on the television. So I sit down on the toilet and everything that I was worried about is no longer a worry. That's all I'm going to say.

Unfortunately, just at that second, a voice on the phone said, hello, Dr. Surgery, how can I help you? And all she heard was... I won't go into the sound, but which lasted probably a good 15 seconds. It was kind of like a... I want to say chocolate. Do you know those, you know, you go to a wedding, you've got those like chocolate waterfalls.

That might be like a load of glasses and the chocolate like flows over them and you can put marshmallows and sweets into the chocolate. Yeah. The next time you see one of those, try not to think of me sitting on a toilet.

So I'm trying to speak to her. I say, hello. And this noise, I mean, you know, bathroom.

Why would you make the bathroom the most echoey room in the house? That's the one place where you want it to be silent, isn't it? That's the one place where you need to have like some kind of silence foams on the walls. You don't want anyone to hear what you're doing inside the bathroom, you know, toilet, generally. I'll be honest with you.

After that, I actually considered buying, getting some, the toilets and flowers. And actually for the toilet itself, just to apologize. But I could hear laughter on the other side.

So I don't know if she had it on loudspeaker, but it was, well, you know, the sound, we've all had that sound. It's an unmistakable sound. And I said, I can't leave the toilet, I'm afraid.

I can't get to where you're going. I can't get to the doctors. She said, oh, that's okay.

And I heard laughter. I'm sure she was like giggling. That's the whole story really.

I'm not telling people about it. I've told a few people that story. That's the thing, when you don't get out much, something like that, when that happens, it's like a bit of gold.

You know, it's like, okay, I'll hold on to that. I'm going to tell everybody. That's going to be my new party trick.

I'm just going to tell that story as part of my party trick. You know, I do wonder, well, I think about if I ever got married, if I ever got married, I can't do my own best man's speech. So I'd have to ask someone.

First of all, I've got no one to be a best man. I'd probably ask my brother, my little brother. He don't like me, but who else is there? So I'd have to kind of ask him.

And all that was to chair, wasn't me, not reenacting the story. And I suppose I could get some random person off the street. No, if I had a best man, I think I'd ask my friend, Noel, to be my best man.

Yeah, I think so. Yeah. And, but just imagining, because he was a comedian anyway, so he'd have no trouble making fun of me.

He's known me for 25 years or 28 years, actually, since 1991, he's known me. And he's seen me in all kinds of different situations. One of his favorite things is when I was in, because I used to sort of help work for him for a little bit, and on a busy night in the comedy club, whenever, if he saw me talking to a female, and it looked like he was going, well, you know, she liked me.

He'd walk up and say, Jason, the toilet's overflowing. Can you go and, someone's done a messy turd. Can you go and clean the toilet, please? And hand me the mop.

And he found it hilarious. That was kind of his thing. One of his things.

And, yeah, I was, if I got married, someone was going to do a speech about me. Sondre doing a poo, now he's wiping his bum on the floor. How lovely.

Now he's, I don't even want to say what he's doing now. I'm trying to put it out of my head for next time he kisses me. And I, there might come a time that if I'm going to get married, someone might say, well, if you want me to be your best man, yes.

Because I turn into Roger Moore whenever I talk to my best man. He said, what would you, you need to tell me some stories about yourself. And that's the thing.

I'd have to tell stories about myself to the best man so that he can incorporate some of my life into, you know, I suppose, yeah, into the story, into his speech, if he does a best man speech. So I would, I could use that toilet story, couldn't I? It'd be one of my stories. I phoned up the doctor, I was on the toilet and they answered the phone and just, yeah.

Never, ever seen a douchebag. I've heard people being called douchebags. I don't, didn't even know what a douchebag was.

And I don't know if we sell them or if they, if they're not, I don't sell them, but I didn't, I'd know if I had a business making them, wouldn't I? And it'd be my business to know that. I don't know if they're even made in England. I'm not sure.

What did surprise me is it's been adverts. I listen to talk radio quite a lot and it's not a lot on telly at night, to be honest. So I end up listening to talk radio and I've lost a bit of interest in Netflix and stuff like that.

I don't know, just, it's a little bit that they have so much to choose from that I kind of give up. I've actually sat here on more than, at least more than five occasions, I've sat here going through all of the stuff that Netflix do and spending like, well, not all of it, but you know, going through the lists of the different programs and the films, documentaries and doing that for about 20 minutes and then thinking, I can't be bothered now. And something that Netflix do, which I don't think, I don't think anything else does.

I mean, maybe other places do do it, but they change the picture of the film or of the TV show. They change it to suit the customer, to suit the kind of things. I know they do it because I'm observant, but I didn't realise to what level that they did it.

I saw online, it's totally true, I read this article, don't know where it was, it was on the computer screen. And they said that not only do they change the picture in order to get more people interested, because if you don't, if you skip through, skip through it, they might, they think, oh, let's try a different image from the film. So if you're into adventure, action, they might show an action picture, a still, you know, from the film.

If you're into romance, they might show a little romantic image from it. Apparently they go even further by ethnicity, ethnicity. So if you're, let's say, African American, they will, if there's African Americans in the film, even if they're not the main characters, they'll show them.

So it looks like that they're the main characters of the film, because usually the front cover of a film or the television show shows the stars, doesn't it, of the show, not someone that maybe is in it for 10 minutes or 15 minutes or, you know, unless it's like a major Hollywood star. So I know sometimes, what is it, the Marvel films might have, what's his name, Jackson, L. Jackson, not Louis C.K. And he plays, he plays a bloke with a patch on his eye in all of the Marvel films. And sometimes he's on the front cover of the film.

But he's never a major player, ever. He's in it barely for a few minutes each time. But he's a huge Hollywood star.

He's Samuel L. Jackson, that's it. No, I think it was because of the Louis C.K. Samuel L. L. begins L. Louis. And there was the middle initial.

However silly that is, it's, but then it seems to have two, Louis C. K. It's not a real name, is it? That should have been a warning. But Samuel L. Jackson, L. So I don't know what that stands for. Lollipop.

Lori, could be Lori. Lori's a man's name, isn't it? Leslie. Leslie can be a man's name, but I'm not sure if we're allowed to say that anymore, are we? Are we allowed to have gender specific names anymore? Luckily, I'm a dinosaur.

I'm also a dinosaur that doesn't care. So I don't have to worry about things like that. Oh, you've said the wrong thing.

That's just this. You can't say that anymore. I don't care.

I don't care. It's hard enough to keep track of what I'm supposed to not say already now. I can't add any more.

Sorry. Not prepared to add any more things to it. You know, there might be a point where no one had to say man or woman or male or female.

If it does come to that situation, I'll just continue. Because it's all about, for me, it's about intention. If you say something purposely to just wind someone up, then that's different to if you're just saying it, because that's what you said for the last 70 years of your life.

And that's what you were brought up to say. And it was absolutely fine. I'm not talking about anything derogatory.

I'm just talking about just general words that become derogatory because of society changing, changing, always changing. You know what? For those listening to this that are under the age of 20, you would not recognize the world in the 70s or 80s. You would not recognize life.

You really wouldn't. It's so different now to what it used to be like in some ways. And there are, I think humans are, I sometimes wonder if humans are fighting against it.

They're trying to keep that primal instinct going, that animalistic part of them. So maybe that's what's kind of going on at the moment with some of the things that are happening in the world. And people are trying to, they're exaggerating the little animal in them, the same way as we may exaggerate our accent.

You know, if you go to a different part of the country, so if I went to Liverpool, guaranteed, I'd start talking like this, how you doing? You all right? I'd start like becoming even more Southern. How you doing cockles or shells? Yeah. I'd start dancing and just, well, I wouldn't start dancing, but you know, I'd basically be pushing around the piano and playing old songs from the 30s.

You know, I knew the Krays, of course I knew the Krays. I was their uncle. You know, it's, they love their mum.

I love my mum. I do awful things, but I love me mum. So maybe it's that exaggeration that occurs in those situations.

And maybe at the moment, because of all the technology, some people are not cut out for it. And some people, like young people, maybe they grow up and they're not interested in that stuff. But what do they do? Because everything is involved around the internet and apps and including this, what I'm doing here.

It's not everybody's thing. When I was at school, we had computers and, you know, they were rubbish, but only rubbish compared to now. At the time, they were brilliant.

That's the difference. It's not one person. I mean, when the moon landed, you know, they were all in there, all looking up at the screen and NASA or whatever were all clapping.

You know, Michael Armstrong was saying, I'm not the first man to piss on the moon, but it's the largest, Willie, I don't know whatever his speech was. And it's one step or whatever, and you think, well, who's holding the camera? If you're the first man on the moon, who's, this camera's already on the moon, who's holding it? And everyone's clapping. I bet you that this didn't happen.

I'm not saying about the moon landing. The thing, one thing that did all that stuff and everyone was clapping, that happened and it was filmed. But I never remember seeing one time, someone just looking back, nodding his head, saying what a pile of shit this computer system is.

This is rubbish. What a pile of crap. They didn't, they thought it was amazing.

I thought it absolutely, but the thing is, the computing technology now, apparently we've got more of that in our phone than they had to send the moon thing. So it was amazing then, just like phones are amazing now, but they won't be. In 20 years time, they'll be obsolete.

They'll be like, oh, what on earth? Can't believe we used to carry these things around. I mean, they used to, you know, people go into their, put their hands in their pockets to get the phone out. When I was a kid, we used to put our hands in our pockets for different reasons.

Never had a phone in there. Might have marbles, play with our balls. Say, what balls are you playing with? And we'd pull them out.

Sometimes you'd have a dobber. I don't know if you remember that. They used to be these big, big balls called dobbers.

And then you used to have the milky one. I don't know if it was a cat's, wasn't there one called a cat's eye? But I like the milky ones because they were white, pure, like milk. It looked very much kind of like fresh milk.

Then there was the standard marble that had a colour. They're different colours. Some are blue, some yellow, some green.

And what was the aluminium one? There was like a metal ball. I can't remember what that was. But they all had a different level of worth.

I think a dobber was the top. I think it was at the top. Although I'm not sure.

The milky one. What was it called? I can't remember. I'm surprised I remember the dobber.

The dobber. What a strange name. Yet somehow fulfilling emotionally.

The dobber. And the whole idea, if you didn't ever play marbles, all it is, basically, you roll your balls, or you roll a ball, you take your ball out of your pocket and you roll it across the floor. And then the next person, it's usually it's like one-on-one.

So you basically, you're aiming to touch your friend's balls with your balls. And so, I mean, you can rub your balls together with your friend and it's still classed as a touch. Or you could, I've seen people with dobbers, the big balls, really they're big.

Some of my friends had big balls and they would actually crush my little balls with their big ball. Literally crush them. They'd chuck the ball and it'd land and smash the smaller ball.

I never liked that. I didn't think it was fair. And sometimes I used to say, you know what, Toby, I don't think that was fair.

He'd say, why not? I said, because because your balls are really big and mine's little. And he'd say, stop crying. I said, I can't help it.

And we'd cuddle and we'd hold hands and just dance around the field. So it was all right. It worked out okay.

But I used to, I never got emotionally involved with games when I was at school. I don't, I'm not really an emotionally involved person. And I try and explain this to people, but no one seems to understand what I mean.

Because it's not that I don't care, but I don't care. It's two different, I think not caring and not being interested is two different things. And sometimes I'm interested and sometimes I'm not.

And I try to explain it to people. And I've had conversations and the contradiction of, why am I devoting my time and my life really to helping people when I kind of don't care? But it's not, it's not as simple as that. It's not.

It's not as simple as a big ball crushing a small ball. It's, and I said this to someone recently is, you're mistaking kindness for interest. Mistaking kindness for interest.

And I'm limited to what I can be interested in. I know it sounds, it might sound really weird, but I don't even know why it's funny. It's funny to me.

I'm only interested in my own things. Like at the moment, there's somebody I've met that I'm interested in. I'm not going to go into details, but I'm not interested in many people in a way where I want to talk to them about their life.

You know, usually it's kind of all about me. I just want to talk about myself, which is why I do these, because that's what I can do. If I wasn't recording it, I'd just be talking anyway.

So Andre's idea to record these, he said, you know what, Daddy? I said, what? He said, why don't you just record, you know, when you're sitting in a chair talking shite, why don't you just record it and stick it online? You know, make a podcast or something. I said, oh, okay. So I started recording and he said, Daddy, while I was recording, I said, yeah, you know, I'm recording.

He said, yeah, I know. I just, just, just wanted to say something. I said, okay, what? He said, you know, it's my suggestion that you record yourself when you're talking shite, you know, in your big black squeaky chair.

By the way, remember, I'm the one that said that first, not you. I've been saying that for ages. And now you say it when you're talking and it's as if you're the first person.

Yeah, okay, Andre, what, what, what are you trying to get at? He said, well, when I suggested that you talk and record yourself talking, first of all, I thought you'd get the hint that I'd had enough of you talking and it would be like a sarcastic thing. I didn't mean for you to actually do it. It was just being sarcastic.

So you get the hint that maybe you'd stop talking to yourself. I said, okay, but I thought you meant it. And that's why I've spent the last year doing this.

He said, yeah, I know that. I know that. I know that.

I said, why are you saying it three times? He said, I don't know. I don't know. Stop, stop, Andre.

Right. What's your point? He said, well, is there any chance you could do it in a different room? I said, what? He said, yeah, I'm trying to get some sleep here and it's annoying me hearing you drone on and on and on. And the thing is, it's not even repetitive because you find, where do you get this crap from? It's like you manage to say different things every day.

Every time you talk, you manage to come up with new rubbish. Where is it coming from? I said, I don't know. I'm just trying to help people.

You're not trying to help people. You're just trying to relieve yourself of this rubbish out of your head. This is like therapy to you.

I said, no, it's just rude. Andre, that's not, this is not self-therapy. I'm not trying to therapize myself.

He said, there's no such word, Daddy. You know that. I said, I know, but I'm not sure.

I can't help but laugh. He made me laugh. You're always laughing, aren't you? I can't help it.

You know, it's not funny though, is it? Not really. Well, it is kind of funny, but, you know, considering. Considering what? Well, you're a ferret.

Yeah. You can't talk, can you? You're a ferret. Yeah.

You can't talk. Everybody can talk, but ferrets can't. Yeah.

What do you mean? How can everything talk? Well, what is talking? It's just communication, isn't it? It's just a way to communicate with another being. Yeah. Well, we communicate.

Yeah. Therefore, we talk. Yeah, but we're not talking now.

And if we're not talking now, what else is happening? That means that you're just sitting there in your big black squeaky chair. Remember my phrase that you stole? And you're just pretending to talk to me. Yeah.

So not only are you talking to yourself, recording yourself, but you're pretending to talk to a ferret. And you're pretending that the ferret is talking back to you. But not only are you pretending that the ferret, the talking ferret, is talking back to you, but you're also pretending that the talking ferret that is talking back to you is telling you that it can talk.

And you're telling the talking ferret that's talking to you that it can't, even though you're the one that's making the ferret talk. Yeah. This isn't a conversation on Facebook with Sebastian where I just say lots and lots of stuff and you just reply with one word.

This is supposed to be a proper conversation. Yeah. You know, if you say too much, I don't listen.

Just like someone who writes too much in a letter or in a text, I don't want to read it. It's just... If it's laziness, I'm not sure if it's laziness or lack of interest or... I think I'd prefer if I got paid. And to be fair, though, if I got paid, even if I was paid £20 an hour to read Facebook messages, I don't think I could do it, honestly.

I could do it for maybe an hour. I'd have to quit. It's just reading, reading stuff.

Well, fair enough. But, you know, don't forget you said that I don't exist. I didn't say you don't exist.

I said that you can't talk. Everybody that has been following me for any amount of time knows that you exist because you've been on camera because you hog the limelight. Why is it called limelight? I don't know.

That's not really the point. You hog. So if I'm on camera, the only thing that anyone remembers is you.

Seriously, I could go on a camera without a head. I could just be a body with a stump, no head holding you. And the only thing anyone would say on the comments on YouTube videos, I wonder, he's so cute.

Isn't he lovely? Oh, he's licking his balls again. He's so lovely. Wouldn't notice that, you know, I'm just a stump.

He said you don't half exaggerate. What do you mean he said you don't exaggerate? I forgot who was talking. You forgot whether it's the ferret or me.

Yeah, we're both the same person, aren't we? Yeah. It's weird, isn't it? When you do it in the same voice. Yeah, I know.

It's very strange. Hopefully everyone's asleep by now. Do you reckon? Yeah, hopefully.

It's been pretty boring. Yeah, it's always boring, hasn't it? Yeah, I suppose. The thing is, I used to do this when I was a kid, just talk to myself.

I used to record myself when I was a kid, having conversations with myself. And now at 48, I'm still doing it. You'd have thought the only skill that I've got, talking absolute rubbish.

I've tried so many things over the years. I've tried martial arts. I've tried to learn boxing.

I've done selling. I've worked in a bakery. I tried to learn some, play some instruments when I was a kid.

A whole lot of things. You know, become a counsellor, trained for three years for that. And the thing I can do, my skill, has always been with me.

It's always been here. All along, my ability to talk crap and to be boring has been with me since I was a child. Accompanied me on all my little journeys.

Someone actually, I think on YouTube, they said, Oh, I've been listening to you on Spotify for a year or however long. And they said, Oh, now I know what you look like. I felt like there was like an invisible R there, an invisible scream, an invisible shock.

It's a little bit, I don't know if she stopped listening to me or was just surprised. I don't know. It's really hard to picture someone, isn't it? Oh, it's sick.

What's going on here? My battery's running short on my phone. I've got 20%. So, if you hear someone on the phone or, because when we're talking, it's quite, especially if you've got headphones on, it's very intimate.

As far as, you know, me talking into your ear. I won't talk into your toe, would I? That'd be weird. But what was my point? I got distracted by the phone, having that message come up.

I lost my train of thought. There was no train of thought. I lost my lack of clarity.

Yeah, I can't remember. I wanted to be a singer when I was younger. I could have sung boring songs.

It's a weird one, you know, when your skill is being boring. At what level or how far do you take it? How, you know, I don't know how, I'm not sure how useful being the most boring person on a planet has been for my self-esteem. It's, you know, it's, I suppose there's something to be said for being completely monotonous, tedious, boring, all the other words that kind of mean the same thing.

I don't know. It's all fun. It's not all fun, is it? But it's, it's okay, kind of.

What's time now? It's 2.28 in the morning. So I'm going to upload this. I'm going to share it to Spreaker.

Then I'm going to, and I'll get shared to Spotify and all the other places. Then I will share it to Facebook, Twitter, and a couple other places. Then I will make a video for this recording, and it will take a few hours to, to render.

So it's, I'll wake up to it tomorrow, or maybe wake up halfway through the night, and then it might be done, and I'll then upload it to YouTube. So it'll be uploaded in the morning to YouTube. By midday, I reckon.

I wish I still had some chocolate to eat. And then tomorrow I should do something else. I'd like to go out tomorrow.

I was in bed most of the day. I didn't get up till four o'clock. Anyway, I shall speak to you next time.

Bye.