#108 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (7th March 2019)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You to sleep. It's 1.45am in the morning or in the morn if we go back 500 years and I've got no idea what the day is today. I think it's Thursday the 7th of March 2019.

Please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes and if you're watching on YouTube please only watch well it's the same warning, not warning but advice. It's not really a warning, it's not your head's not going to fall off if you close your eyes but it's about safety. You know if you're cutting, mowing the lawn, cutting the lawn and you're using one of those those big ones you know where you can sit in and you can, I've never had been in one myself but I imagine it's fun.

You can have a sandwich, a cup of coffee probably while you're doing it and you know the kind of thing you could mow a like a tennis lawn or a probably you know I don't know cricket lawn or a football pitch or like a golf course you know because you're not going to do that with scissors oh yeah and you're probably not going to do it with a fly mower. You're going to need something a bit more bigger. So yeah don't listen to this when you're doing something like that because if you did close your eyes you might end up just cutting off something you leaving a bad patch.

You know you might end up if you're doing a golf course you might end up doing some kind of Brazilian strip or I don't know. Mind you that is kind of what that bit between the cricket bits is isn't it? It's just like one strip down the middle where they throw the ball at each other and hit it with the with the stick thing. Yeah and if you are watching on YouTube please please please subscribe and thank you to those of you that have been subscribing and I've been getting a lot of comments well not a lot but more an increasing amount of comments on YouTube which has been lovely.

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Yeah so yesterday yesterday yesterday yes or yeah it was yesterday I did a live broadcast which lasted I think it was an hour and a half I did it with a guest uh Sebastian and it was very much more different from the standard let me bore you to sleep but it was quite weird because I had this realization when Sebastian was talking that if you listen to it you'll hear it it's I don't know what point in the recording it is probably halfway through or I don't know I just realized how boring he was being

and he was purposely doing it I think he was either that otherwise I'm being rude aren't I but he he I just said is that what it's like for people listening to me it's so tedious it's horrible it's like oh no I can't I can't but then I wasn't trying to go to sleep and it was in a different scenario you know it was a different um situation but I've been in those situations and that's why I aim this it's kind of what this structure is is when I first started doing these my aim was

to be that person that you're sitting in front of that's talking and talking and talking and you it's not that it's not that you can't escape because you could you could just stand up and walk away of course you could but you don't kind of want to do that and they're still talking and it's not so much that they're talking it's just they're talking about something that you've got no interest in and if you're not interested in cardboard boxes then listening to someone talking about cardboard boxes for an hour is at the very least boring

doesn't mean that the person is boring you know it does but it doesn't mean that they're boring it just means that the subject matter doesn't stimulate you so it's you know it's it's a it's not a disrespectful thing it's what it is but it's not and but then I've met people that can make boring stuff sound interesting I went to the pub once years and years ago um I had this agency job and the bloke it just started and he was older than me so he's probably like his mid-50s I wonder he's doing a big

poo that's nice oh no it's a wee wee um I can't remember let's say his name is Jim for example and we were working together and he was funny he did not care about anything you know he was he was 55 or he's getting on he's got to be in his 50s and he was just there to get a bit of money you know to basically to to get by and I enjoyed his company so much having spent the whole day with him that I ended up going to the pub with him after work spending

all evening with him as well and he wasn't saying anything interesting but it was funny it's very funny I mean even I'll give you an example of one of his stories he said he was in the pub uh it was the what was the pub's name it was um see I don't like this because it was a pub that I never and it was local to where I lived for 12 years and for me to forget it means I'm forgetting my history about my history you know my life um maybe it's because I make up

so much rubbish that I forget what's real and what's not uh it was the not the Crouch Arms Bricklayers Arms no but that was a pub that I used to know Bricklayers Arms was in Shoreditch you can check that on Google if you want Bricklayers Arms Shoreditch in fact Rivington Street I do believe EC2 see quite specific uh like the bow no not Riddick Bow that's a boxer that was a boxer and Crouch not Crouch damn see this pub was a pub that I went into when I very very first moved to London so I

was born in London I was born in North London and then I lived there for the first two years of my life so technically I'm a Londoner in a sense I was there for two years then I moved to various different places Newcastle, Southend, Suffolk, different places and then when I was an adult or old enough I moved to East London then I moved back again then I moved back to London again a year later what was the name of that pub it was like a landmark you know when you've got a landmark and you

know when you're asked sometimes um you'll be in the middle of nowhere you're not somewhere you've never been before and you you ask someone directions and they say oh yes down by where the old mill used to be it's old old mill road oh yes down near the old mill used to be hasn't been there for five thousand years but yeah and yeah it's just around the corner from the from the um the hospital that uh hasn't been there either for 300 years and there is the uh the farm the tank farm but the tank

farm is not there either anymore um yeah it's basically just a crater there's nothing there you know that kind of thing um what was the name of that anyway I know what it is so that's probably the main thing it's a pub I'll give you a description it's because where I used to live I've lived in different places um but I've described to you in previous recordings Maryland train station and remember I talked about in the past the roundabout but it's not really roundabout because you could sit on it you know it was more just

like a bit of land I think there was toilets and you could go cottage in if you fancied and there was um a massage place across the road yeah so basically if you go straight up that would lead you to Forest Gate and turn left leads you to Leighton well it's the left it's the left bit and that's if you go down I think it's Leighton Stone Road or I think and at the end of that well not the end but at the next there might have been one set of traffic lights or maybe the

second set of traffic lights or is it the third but you see there's a pub it's not the only pub the pub there was a pub on the right hand side which was an Irish pub and that's the pub I was sitting in with my friend that I'm talking about we were sitting in there and he was telling me about what happened with his friend at the other pub which was literally if you came out of the pub that we were sitting in turn right just walk up a little bit and you could see it's

on the corner and it was it was all right you know it's being in East London it was I think it's kind of different atmosphere during the day than what it was at night time it was you know there's quite a few young people around during the day and the people that like to drink perhaps a little bit more often than the average person would be there during the day as well but then in the evening maybe families used to get together and take their kids take the dog you know and have little parties sing

around a piano you know just general East London pub and eating jelly deals you know that kind of stuff and and I wonder who's come to say hello hello mate it's because I'm talking isn't it he doesn't like it his hair on the top of his back is all matted so I'm gonna have to give him a brush or I'm gonna have to give him a bath and he doesn't like the idea of that do you no you don't don't pretend to yawn no don't pretend to yawn like oh look I'm not going to give

you a bath because you're too tired that's not going to stop me the only thing that's going to just make me want to give you a bath yes he is he is due a bath he hasn't had one for absolutely ages and he doesn't like he doesn't like baths it's the thing most in the world that he doesn't like hello he's just behaving himself he's just laying on my lap just looking at me with his little eyes he's got his eyes half closed stroking the top of his head but he heard the word bath so

I think he's sucking up he's just like just trying to be all gentle and loving pretending to be loving aren't you hey yeah I know I know your game yes I do I think sometimes he gets tired when he listens to me when I do these he just goes to sleep you're getting bored as well hey just stroking the side of his face so on one hand holding his bum well not his bum but not fingering him I mean I'm holding the bottom of his like where his tail is and stuff oh he sneezes he's

got a sneeze sneeze he's been sneezing a bit this afternoon tonight I don't know why I went out today and I had to leave him because I had an appointment I needed to go out and do some stuff and I came home and he was as fast asleep and then I took him out and let him take me for a walk so we were walking for ages we were out for over an hour I reckon and he basically just led me where he wanted to go and it was raining it was a bit windy he

was trying to give me what are you doing why are you so cute you say hello to everybody it's amazing I can't believe I've spent 13 years working on this you know free service where making audios and then videos and stuff straight away as soon as Andre appeared everyone loved him everyone prefers Andre to me it's not fair it's not fair they wouldn't love you as much if they had to clear up all your poo would they hey might not love you as much if you but you bit their ankles and toes when they're trying

to put their socks on he's not even looking at me looking away he's pretending that he can't hear me I think he's thinking if he looks away then he's invisible to me I can't see him anymore I can see you Andre he's not even looking at me completely but oh you are looking at me now yeah you can see me now oh the person that feeds you you can see me yeah you can see your daddy now you know I can't believe how can I be in all these years I honestly would not have believed

it if you'd have told me that one day I'll be sitting here in a big squeaky black chair in my own flat well it's not my you know council flat but still still mine as long as I want it I'm not going to be cuddling a ferret whilst making a recording of me being boring getting over a thousand downloads a day from the various podcasts who'd have thought that that would be in fact not only have I get I must have I'm going to get rid of the SoundCloud podcast having what's the point in having

that it's costing me 10 pounds a month I had to get rid of my website because I can't afford it anymore so I do have a website but it's just a it's a blogger and it's free but I've just transferred my the domain name directed to there I forget what my point was there is there is a there wasn't a point was there to start with but just imagine I just think that I would one day be doing that that the most important person in my life was a ferret a ferret so yeah life is

unusual I actually saw my psychiatrist today it's a really weird it's a balancing act this whole thing that I do because on one level I'm kind of like a therapist well I am officially a qualified therapist but I'm also unemployed and I've got mental health issues bipolar and this like with it's like with an additional uh emotionally unstable personality disorder kind of mixed kind of mixed thing going on there I take medication and I know that some people if they hear that they'll think oh he's one of them he's one of them ah it's like

you know what you don't have to even have legs in order to coach someone to run you know you don't you could you don't even have to be able to swim to coach someone to be able to swim you just need to know how to motivate someone I suppose a point I'm trying to make is I might not be I never tried to I never never tried to present myself in a like oh aren't I perfect kind of way never really appealed to me to be I never wanted to be perfect when I went to

the buddhist center I said that and that oh a very funny reaction why don't you want to be perfect why why would I I'll be like you la oh acting all superior no I didn't say that but I just I don't want to be perfect I want to I like the idea of being perhaps a nice version of myself maybe the nicest version but probably not even that or maybe that actually probably is quite an aspiration to be the nicest version of yourself but it's a fine balance between being real and truthful and not being

an arsehole it's kind of I don't want to be an arse to people I want to be nice I want to be I don't know about friendly but uh respectful you know it's not that I want to be unfriendly but I don't I'm not really I'm not an excitable person I don't jump up and down I really jump up and down not with anger not with happiness no I just I'm not I think my level of excitement is quite low generally it rises at times and then I'll go back down so I think my my

my normal automatic level of if you want to call it happiness or whatever is probably quite low I'm not an excitable person but it does change of course it does like we all no one stays the same all the time but I don't want to be someone that's getting excited all the time but there's nothing wrong with that I remember Christmas back in what year would this be?

19... 19... 2000?

no no no my sister probably was at school or maybe she wasn't at school maybe she was an adult by then anyway I was staying at my dad's house the parents house and I was sleeping in a room and it was it's like a spare room yeah so they must have all left yeah they must all be adults because they weren't living at home anymore unless she was my sister might still be living at home but my brother wasn't and she didn't have any kids so it's quite a quite a long time ago but I

was in the middle room which was the that used to be my brother's room now it's a spare room basically and we're going back probably 2000 you know probably good 18 19 20 years ago ish it might have been less might be more I really don't know but it's my brother's 40 so he he left home probably at 18 so it could have been over 20 years ago anyway this was Christmas morning so I visited I came down I was living in London I came down to visit stayed there for a couple of days the

thing is when I visit there's no trains but there is trains to get there I don't walk away from London but there's no there's no way to escape it's no escape from Christmas no escape from family for three days so basically get their new Christmas Eve there's no trains or buses Christmas day there's no trains or buses so this boxing day so yeah the the first day for Christmas is the Tuesday for trains and buses and that depends upon what day Christmas is on because if Christmas is on um wait a minute let's have a

look this out sometimes the boxing day the day after boxing day is also a bank holiday and I might have made that up but yeah I'm trapped there for at least two days after getting their Christmas Eve you know once the last bus and train goes at like eight o'clock or nine o'clock at night until the first bus on not Tuesday but whatever day it might be and means that I can't leave I can't get out and it's I don't know why I'm stressing this bit so much but anyway that's the point so I'm sitting

there when I'm asleep I'm not sitting there I don't sleep sitting up I do I have slept sitting up when I've had like chest infections and stuff but I don't get no sleep anyway there's no point even trying I think when it comes to things like chest infections you might as well just sit up watch telly and fall asleep when you fall asleep you know I could be bothered with this just one of those things it's a it's a bit weird isn't it I'm doing a fall asleep recording just telling you to not bother trying

to fall asleep but this is a different situation relaxing is always good anyway it's good to relax and when you relax it's something about relaxing that just feels nice and it's got to be the one of the most mundane sentences I've ever said it's a little bit like when you go on to dating sites you know and people write down I love laughing I do I love laughing me I do I love laughing well I think most people do mate I don't think it's a unique characteristic I like reading that's not really my hobby is

watching television no that's not a hobby it's something that people do my hobby is going swimming no that's not a hobby unless you're competing then that's you know that's a hobby it's a sports activity but just going to the gym it's fitness is what we all need to be doing anyway in some kind of thing not really a hobby is it no it's a hobby not really though is it no I think you'll find it is I think you'll be very condescending towards me I don't think I really am though am I I think this

to be honest if you look at it I don't think it was really condescending was it I've had conversations with people about hobbies and the one thing I say to people I try to get this across and this is people in real life is about passion or purpose we all need to have a purpose this is it's not optional it's really it's really not optional we need to have it and if if you don't have a purpose you need to find a purpose something that you're just passionate something that you love doing that's just so

important something that keeps you going something to look forward to something that you're able to that pulls you through the difficult times that you're like okay well at least I'm doing that on and the purpose it doesn't have to be something that helps people I personally think that's possibly the best purpose anyone could have is something that helps others but at the same time it's about happiness so to find something that makes you happy and then it doesn't matter whether it helps anybody else or not with as long as it's not hurting anybody so if

your purpose that makes you happy is I don't know making planes you know making model helicopters if that's something that you love doing then you are very lucky to have found what you love doing that's a gift that's a proper gift I want to say something you love doing something you love doing when I like watching television no you don't I love I personally I love playing video games no it's not it's maybe playing video games is the same I don't see it um but maybe it is maybe playing video games is a passion and

it is something that can be a purpose and if it's something you look forward to doing something that you absolutely adore doing then that's just me being arsey and judgmental because I don't play video games I don't see the point in them but then I don't see the point in marriage no it's or giving birth so you know I'm not really at the best yardstick for anything really never got into games never just xbox and by the way if you're listening to this in the future which is pretty much everyone that's listening it's going to

be listening in the future it's the future now and again it's the future but you know if you're listening to this in 20 30 years time can't imagine I'll be I'll be getting I'll be hitting my 20 years time I'll be 68 years old 68 wow I'll probably look about 70 no no 68 I'll look about 50 55 I think I'm doing all right you know with how I look generally there's a few bits that could be changed and I think if I ever come into some money um I'll clear the money off and then

I'll go into pay to make myself look a bit better a good haircut would probably go a long way really would be and get the a little bit of cosmetic surgery probably just a few little bits here and there I'll probably yeah I'll probably get my my penis shortened because this doesn't seem fair for me to have had such a a major advantage over all the other men in the world for so long maybe even it out a little bit have it shortened a bit just it's like being kind isn't it really just being kind

to others and what else it's video games oh yeah those listening in the future maybe 30 40 50 isn't it weird there might be someone listening to this from you might be like a thousand years ahead you might be you know this might be a thousand years and I might have been dead for a couple of hundred years by now and or might still be alive who knows who knows you know they can got they can got it's not a proper sentence is it they um if you are listening to this I was the king

of the world I was actually in charge of everything just so you know and uh it's probably best that you start a religion based around me yes and I've got some rules the first rule of this religion is no religions allowed including this one so if you are listening in the future video games xbox what they turned out to be which people didn't realize is it was actually training they were training the younger generation to control drones for the future so that people could actually work from home and control drones and other mechanical flying machines

mechanical flying machines it's very technical and what they didn't realize is that uh when people were actually playing these games they didn't realize that it was actually really happening in other parts of the world they were actually controlling drones but the people playing it didn't know at the time but they were actually controlling real life drones in other parts of the world that doesn't come out until like 30 40 years time it's a it's one of those conspiracies in it so video games used to be popular I don't think of video games as being popular

but I suppose they are it's one of those things I'll give you an example of what I mean like video games I don't think of people playing them because I never see it I forget that it happens and another thing like this is I moved into this place in 2000 and and was it 12 I think it was the 2011 it might have been yeah 2011 I think it's about February time 125 pound a week for a room seriously it was like double the amount I'd ever spent on a room a week it was awful

the room was nice you know had moving wallpaper and you know toilet that cleaned itself you know it was a good problem that didn't but it it was a you know it was all right but anyway I won't go into that room I was living right at the top so you come in the door oh yeah you come in the door you turn left go into the kitchen go straight ahead there's like a living room bit and a little garden no one really went into the living room but generally and you go up one set

of stairs and to go up another set of stairs I think I was on that floor I think or maybe there was another set of stairs I forget but I was at the top and there was no there might be only two sets of stairs I think because there was three rooms there were six rooms in the house that were being lived in one at the top three at the top and three on the middle and there was a reason I was telling you that so I had this room I said about things that I

forget because I don't see it and I forget stuff happens well I was sitting there in the room didn't have a television not really relevant to the story but I didn't have a television and I didn't get to see Big Brother that year and Big Brother's finished now it's not on anymore on British television and I watched Big Brother right away from the beginning you know back in 2000 or 1999 whenever it was it started but I missed two years of it due to just my situation and just not really being interested in anything but

I was sitting there and there was this rattling it sounded like I don't know do you know when you've got a row like a or like a fence like a loose fence in a gale and it rattles and you've got the concrete posts where the fence bits slid in but for some reason the there's a gap and the fence is just you know rattling it was that kind of thing and I'm not sure if it was windy or not that day so I don't of course I want to make sure I tell you the truth

about everything that happens because you know I'm a very truthful person uh really and I just heard this sound but I didn't know where it was coming from and it was just rattling like this is weird went into the kit I'm not kidding I didn't have a kitchen there was a kitchen it was all the way downstairs and I did have an ensuite bathroom with a sink so if you go in there it's basically going to the door of the bedroom and the bed was on the right hand side it was a double bed it

was quite a big room and then left hand side there was the the doorway to the bathroom it wasn't a big bathroom had a shower a toilet and a sink and if I was in that situation again I wouldn't get into that situation again because it was way too expensive it was just a it was a con job basically it was really just ridiculous um but what I should have done or shoulda woulda you know but I should have got myself my own fridge and what I could have done got a microwave and a steamer

you know the things that you can steam vegetables and you can make meals at a microwave and I could have had everything that I needed just there I wouldn't have had to gone out not ever obviously because I needed to work but I would have had everything in one place and but I didn't do that so I guess it doesn't really matter although the bloke that used to come and do the maintenance in the house he actually offered me a fridge and I remember him saying to me Jason I said yeah it's called him Pat

I don't know what his name was I forget he said would you like a fridge and I said I don't know not sure really and he said well I've got a fridge if you want it I said yeah but I'm not sure I'm not really sure if I want one because my concern was the humming of the fridge and whether it would just get on my nerves a bit you know and he said that I don't really care about all that I just want to know if you want it I said well I don't have

to be rude I'm just telling you the reason why I'm not sure if I want it and then you've got to get the up with me it's not like I'm trying to hold your hand and he said yeah I know you don't know what I told you before not to hold my hand and you don't and we agreed and therefore it's fine but do you want the fridge I said well I don't know I'll have a look at it so he went I said where is it he said it's in the garage I said which

garage he said you don't need to know which garage it's in and I said yeah well how am I going to supposed to know where it is he said well I'm about to take you there I said well why be so cryptic you're gonna blindfold me make sure that I don't know the way to get there what are you hiding he said I'm not hiding anything I'm just saying that there's no point me giving explaining which garage door is when none of them are numbered and they're just storage they're used for storage and I'm the

only one that knows where the fridge is I said why have you hidden it he said I haven't hidden it I just put it into the one place where there was room because all the other garages are full of all kinds of stuff that people leave behind when they move out I said oh he said what's that uh saying something's piqued your interest I said no I was wondering like what kind of stuff people leave behind he says well I'll I'll show you I said well show me what I'll show you what people leave behind

why why why are you going to show me that he said because it's a fridge that's what someone left behind a fridge did you want to look at it or not I've got things to do I said okay so I went down and I looked at it and I was a little bit lazy if I'm honest because it was a bit smelly it needed cleaning I couldn't be bothered couldn't be bothered so I said no no thanks he didn't seem upset I mean I think he was going to just throw it out so I'd have

been doing him a favor by taking it off his hands so that he didn't need to go to the skip or you know the dump or wherever it is and you know get rid of it there so I'm in my room and there's this rattling like a fence and I'm thinking is it the guttering because it was Andre's being naughty now or anyway I went to the bathroom nothing there I was just listening I couldn't and it was coming from outside my room so I'm listening and I hear it and it's coming from another room

which was opposite where I was and then it hit me they were having sex and this might seem a bit like or so unusual about that I actually forgot that people had sex I completely forgot about it it'd been so long that I forgot that that stuff occurred now that's a little bit sad I think from my perspective about me I couldn't believe like oh my god I started laughing well I was kind of laughing and crying a bit a little bit both you know I was like good for them but I felt sorry for

myself I can't believe it I forgot that people actually do that stuff some people have pleasure I forgot completely forgot so I was in this pub and my friend he said that he's like a new friend and he told this story this is I won't go into details but basically there's something house the pub was called thatched house the thatched house that's it I don't even know if it's still there probably a coffee shop now and but or a kebab shop but it'd been there for a long time it's proper old-fashioned pub and put it

this way god that was a mouthful of drink you're not going to get chips with the crusts on not the crusts the peel potato peel left on that won't happen there or it didn't I don't think they served food I'm not sure they might have done I think I saw New Year's Eve in there once anyway I remember I played pool once oh yeah after work or it might have been in the afternoon and it might sound weird but I'm absolutely useless at pool I'm not very good at snooker but I'm brilliant at snooker when

I'm playing pool and I can make a pool game last incredibly long period of time and I did this with there was a group of lads there and I say lads probably my age maybe older at the time and I could feel the frustration level rising in the anger as I was playing because basically people put 50 pence on the table and they were waiting to play next they played the winner I never really liked that idea I just if you go into a pub you just want to play your friends you don't want to

play why would you want to play a complete stranger but I made this game last forever it went on for about 20 minutes and one of my friends said to me I think you should just like wrap this up so I went to try and hit a ball in and then the game was over because they they they won but I was very good at snookering during pool so I was in this pub in the pub with my friend and he said he was in there when this bloke walked into the thatched house and the

bloke was it was just really drunk falling all over the place and the landlord asked him to leave he said you're too drunk not going to serve you and the bloke was rude to the landlord and left apparently about half hour later the bloke came back in and he threw I think he picked up the bar stool and chucked it at the the landlord physically removed him from the pub he came back about half hour later and he had like a big stick and he's and he's waving it around and he's he hit the pool

table and and the landlady the land that then landlord physically removed him again and during that one he said I'm gonna come back and I'm gonna shoot you I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do that I'm gonna burn you down I think the next time he came in he was holding a petrol can and the landlord just kicked him out straight away and said if you're gonna call the police and he kept coming back and each time he came back he was even more threatening and he kept being kicked out he did this about seven

times apparently my friend would just said drinking enjoying it enjoying the fun and the landlord was just having none of it you know there was nothing happened it just the bloke just kept being threatening and he kept just physically removing him and it got more escalated and his threats were worse and worse each time and then on about the ninth time he came in the bloke sat down next to my friend and he looked at the landlord and he said sorry about that that was it so sorry about that now I find that a funny

story just the idea that someone would go through all that and then think that they could just walk in and say oh sorry about that one of them days in it admittedly my friend probably told the story a lot better than I did because it was very funny when he said it but also I was drunk and he was drunk and that was it really I have to get some dry food Andre's eating it all but go and put some out for him so thank you very much for listening if you're still awake well done

and you win nothing and I will be back again very soon I did a deep sleep whisper hypnosis session earlier yesterday so that's available to listen to and and I did a let me boy to sleep yesterday as well so I might do another one tomorrow so thank you for listening again if you're on YouTube thank you for watching take care of yourselves bye