#119 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (29th March 2019)

Hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. What do I normally say at this point? Yeah, only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes and if you're watching on YouTube, please subscribe.

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Yay, that's all that boring stuff out of the way. Now for some more boring stuff. So the point of this every now and then I like to describe what it is that my intention is for this Let Me Bore You to Sleep recording.

It's really about, it can be a mixture of things. It's become more than I originally anticipated that it might be at first. So my intention was just to be boring and send you to sleep.

It was kind of that basic. But along the way, there's the added element of company. Having itchy crotch, that's what I've got right now.

Just scratching myself, sorry about that. Just had a bath as well. Ah, flaky balls, that's what it might be.

I need to get some moisturizer out. I don't mind, I won't do it whilst I'm talking to you. And so I don't think, yeah, I don't think oiling me balls would be appropriate.

So I'm trying to get that image out of my head. So okay, back, I'm back. I'm back to crack.

So that was my intention, just to be boring, just to talk and then and then and then just on and on and on. And this seems to be the added benefit of kind of distraction. Maybe some people have told me that they like the distraction from their own thoughts, which helps them to sleep.

Some people, well, I've got an itchy back now. You know what I like to do? I like to scratch my back on the doorframe. Only when I've got an itchy back, I don't do it just, it's not a hobby.

But when I've got an itchy back, I like to scratch it on the doorframe. And sometimes I go up and down. Sometimes I go across.

Sometimes I kind of do all those different vertical movements. And this is a little bit of pleasure, isn't it? It's just that, oh, maybe I need to oil me back as well. Give a bit of moisturizer.

Maybe you've got a flaky back. That somehow seems worse than the other thing. No, I don't think I'm flaky at the moment.

I think I'm pretty, everything's kind of as it should be. All things considered. And so the idea really was just, I was trying to picture when I first started doing this, trying to picture a scenario where you're talking to somebody and they're really boring.

And it's not anything against them because some of the most, someone that might be really interesting to one person may be very boring to another person based on what they're talking about. You hear that? That's the birds or the mice or something in the cavities of the flat. Either that or it's a very, very cocky ghost.

Really arrogant, like just don't care if anyone hears me or I'm getting comfortable. Perhaps it's the cavity ghost listening to me. By cavity, I don't mean like dental, ghosting your teeth.

That'd be weird. Yeah. So the idea is you can just be talking to somebody and generally it isn't, you don't talk to them.

They talk at you. That's what I find. The thing is, that's what I like to do.

I prefer to talk at people and it's kind of, the problem for me with conversations is listening to the other person and trying to figure out when it's my turn to bombard them with what it is I've got to say. And it took me years and years and also a few comments and telling offs and criticisms and stuff from people telling me that I just seemed, all I wanted to do is talk about what I was interested in and I didn't seem interested in other people, what they had to say. And it's kind of true.

The difference back then and I started changing the way I was and started pretending to be interested in what the other person had to say and tried not to interrupt as much as I once did when I was young, younger like a kid. And I suppose tried to be more adult and learnt how to communicate in a way that was sociably acceptable. You know, taking turns, asking questions about the other person and pretending to be interested in what they're saying.

And it's not always the case. Sometimes I was interested, but sometimes I just wanted to talk about what I wanted to talk about. You know, someone maybe talking about, you know, something really deep and personal and, you know, it's just like, but I want to talk about Bruce Lee.

I want to talk about hypnosis. I want to talk about Mork and Mindy. And I get told, don't, shush, you're ruining the funeral.

Stop, shush. But I just, it's inappropriate, I suppose. But the thing is, that's naturally what I'm like.

Naturally, I just want to talk about myself. And I found my calling because I can, because I can just talk about myself all day long, just upload the recordings. And it's as boring as anything you're ever going to hear.

It's the most boring bunch of crap, honestly. And I make up a lot of it. Some of it's true, some of it's sort of make-believe, some of it's just plain lies.

It's, it's, and none of it matters. Nothing that I say during these recordings really hold any kind of importance, really. It's just a bunch of words, just telling you about stuff that you don't need to know about, and you're never going to need to know about, and even I don't need to know about it.

The ironic thing about it is, if I meet somebody for the first time, and they ask me about myself, I don't like to say anything because I don't like to talk about myself. To someone that I don't know. And I think it's, someone said to me recently, in a conversation, I asked them a question.

So I was generally interested. There's a lot of noise going on in that cavity of the wall. Calm down.

Go to sleep, Mr. Cavity Ghost. Ooh. So yeah, and this person said, I asked a question, and I was interested in my question.

Perhaps I was more interested in my question than I was in the answer. Maybe, I don't know. I'm not really giving it much thought, but I asked the question, and the person was giving me the answer, and along the way, part of the answer, it reminded me of something, and it triggered something else in my head, and I started talking about that.

And the person I was talking to said, well, you don't want to hear my answer then. But I can't just sit there and listen to someone talking without just going to sleep. I find, you know, I've had friends that have just talked and talked and talked and talked.

Trust me, I'm an expert on this. And I didn't get a chance to speak. Sometimes they just didn't even hear me, because they were so busy talking about what they wanted to talk about.

And I'm like that. I want to do it, but I try not to do it in reality. You know, I do still do it, but not to that extent, because I know it's annoying.

I know out of a normal situation, it's not really acceptable. But in this situation, you've given me permission to talk and talk and talk. It's all about me.

I love it. All about me. I can tell you every intimate detail.

And when I run out of stuff to say, I'll make stuff up. Sometimes I'll make stuff up before I've even started talking about the real stuff. Sometimes I forget what's real and what's not.

And none of it matters, because at the end of the recording, I've forgotten exactly what I've said. I don't recall anything that I've ever said on any of my recordings. It's brilliant.

I don't store it. The recordings store it, but I don't. It's just gone.

It's just a bunch of words mixed together. And then I press the stop button and, you know, upload it and do what's needed there. And the only part of the recording I ever hear is the very beginning, when I edit the audio, so it kind of fades in.

And then I listen to the very end, so I can cut it and like fade it out. That's it. That's the only bit I ever hear of my recordings.

Yeah, I'm not sitting. I'm not sitting here listening to myself. But the thing is, that would be the sound that I would make.

If I was to probably sit here. The thing is, possibly, possibly, possibly, possibly. I don't know, maybe I would benefit from listening to some of them.

But, you know, but I've not listened to pretty much anything, hardly anything that I've ever recorded since 2006. Apart from occasionally. And I remember I laid back in my big black squeaky chair, and I listened to a, I think it was a relaxation recording, which lasted for about an hour.

And I listened to it. And I was listening, I thought, oh, I'm quite good at this. Because it worked really, you know, you hear all that little, this little baby birds in the attic.

And I was thinking, oh, and it's weird considering it was my voice. Because some may think that would be a little bit of a strange experience to hear your own voice. Because, you know, I know some people, pretty much everybody that I've ever heard talk about this particular subject, regarding hearing their own voice for the first time, kind of surprised at how they actually sound.

Well, I know how I sound. I sound exactly the same way as I do on a recording. Because I've tuned myself into it now, after years and years and years of doing it.

And when I hear myself, even though it's only briefly, I know exactly how I sound. That was among the most boring things I've ever said, I think. But yeah, it's, I know when things are really boring, because that's when I'm thinking, oh, this is, sometimes I have to stop myself in a conversation with somebody and just say, sorry, I can't continue this conversation.

It's too boring. Sorry. And that's because I'm being boring, not because they're being boring.

It's just, I have to end what I was saying there. It was too tedious. It's just no, there's no, there's no excuse for me to be that boring.

But in these recordings, there's every excuse because that's what it's all about. So a nice 20 minute explanation about why I'm doing these. Actually, it wasn't really an explanation about why I'm doing them.

More as in how I kind of developed them. Although, you know, I made a recording, was it three, four months ago, and it was good. I mean, you know, I actually felt really pleased with it.

And it was a let me bore you to sleep. And it was, I was talking about being on the beach with my friend. And we had some weird, really weird, weird conversation.

And I was really pleased. And I thought this is good. Really good.

But then somehow, I don't know how, but somehow I managed to have deleted it. And it wasn't recorded properly. Luckily, I've got, I don't know how I did it.

I can't even remember what it was I was recording it on. I lose track. But I think this is, I don't know what number this is 118 or 119 or something like that.

So I was looking at the stats. I don't know how it could be so, so much scraping in the cavity. I do wonder if the water is going to fall down.

Can you hear that? This is, this is the neighbor is just trying to dig a way up into my flat, which would be, I wouldn't mind actually. But so I'm recording this at, I record all weird times. You know, maybe someone once said, and you record it, you know, I should be recording this at night time, when I'm in bed, and I can't.

You know, I have to do it when I'm awake. Because if I lie down in my bed, or on my bed and did this, I would fall asleep. I have made recordings where I've lied down and I've kind of managed to do it.

But I end up talking so slowly. And I do drift off when I'm making those recordings. And I kind of, especially some of the recordings where I've counted down, let's say it's an insomnia session, I've counted down from 100 to one, and I lose track of what number I'm on.

So I'm down to, let's say 69. And I just sort of drift off and and then I kind of come back in my mind and I'm, I'm alert again, but I don't know what number I'm on. I kind of like, what number did I last do? Was it 70? So 59.

And it's strange because sometimes I then start thinking, well, does it really matter? Because maybe they're also drifting off. And the people listening possibly aren't sitting there taking notes. You know, they've got a big list of 100 numbers and just crossing them off as I say them.

No one's ever contacted me and said, you forgot 43. You forgot to say 43. So yeah, that's never happened.

Doesn't mean that I've ever not forgotten 43. I might have done. Sounds like some kind of weird insomnia bingo session.

We're not on. So the weather's been quite nice. Being a lot brighter, like during the day.

And it's quite weird because it's just gone six o'clock or something in the evening here. And the, and there are televisions making noises. That's nice.

It's a lot of weird sounds in this place today. You've got the hoo-hoo outside. The, not the dove, the pigeon.

Pigeons are doves really, aren't they? They're just the same kind of species, but they're birds. But doves and pigeons, aren't they the same? Except we like doves because they're part of magic tricks, maybe. I can actually hear both sides now.

So in the garden in front of me, it's in the back, but I'm in the, you know, it's in a big tree near, in the garden where I live, there's a pigeon going. And now I can hear the response of another pigeon that's the other side of the building, which would be the front of the building going. And I'm thinking, you know what? What, they're waiting for buses to come along.

I mean, why don't they just fly over? Why, why have, do I go through all that trouble of like calling really loudly like that, interrupting people? Oh, I could so easily just drift off. I had a bath and I had a real clean up today. And I mean, I should reframe that, rephrase that rather.

You know, I had a bath, I had a real clean up. I didn't mean I cleaned myself right up. I mean, I emptied myself of all the dirt.

No, a good old scrub. No, that's not what I meant. I vacuumed my flat, or most of it, apart from the bedroom, because that's where Andre was.

By the way, Andre's my hedgehog. And there's some kids shouting in the street. And yeah, so yeah, so I vacuumed and I sort of tidied up and yeah, I had a good old tidy up and all that stuff and got the rubbish out and put it into the bins and I ran a bath and I had a bath and then I had some tea cakes and a drink and I watched a little bit of telly.

And the thing is, I was so tired by all that bending over and bending around because my lower back has got a few little issues, a few issues of its own going on. I need to talk to it, have a little chat. But I feel like I've done something physically.

And I hadn't really done much. There was a lot of bending involved. As you can hear, there's background sounds.

I don't normally make recordings this time of the day. But I haven't. I'm just quite enjoying the still being light at this time of the evening.

And at the weekend, the clocks go forward. So the light will be even brighter, well not even brighter, but it will last longer. So if it's still light at this time, it'll probably be getting dark about seven, which means next week it'll be eight o'clock before it gets dark.

And I'll be able to take Andre out in the evening and it'll still be light. And that will be delicious, be a very delicious moment for me. I think we should use the word delicious more often.

I think you should join me in this. You get into work on Monday, how was your weekend Bob? It was delicious. Just see what response you get.

Or you could just be vague, come back from the toilet, sit down, sigh and just say, oh, that was delicious. And then maybe thinking, what was delicious? Wonder what he's been doing? So maybe delicious could be the word of the day. So I might say to you, so what was the recording like? The let me boy to sleep? Did you listen to it last night? He said, yeah, yeah, I listened to it.

That Jason bloke again. So what was it like? And you could say it was delicious. You kind of saw that coming though, didn't you? Because I think I set that up to be predictable.

Andre's run off now. He's going to find a way of causing chaos for me. That's his one purpose in life is to cause problems for me.

He's just a little cheeky little monkey or he's a hedgehog, but you know, cheeky little hedgehog. In fact, I said to him, was it earlier on? Because he was in the bedroom and he was saying, daddy, I said, yeah, he said, can you let me out of the bedroom, please? I said, why? He said, well, I don't like it when you put me in here and close the door. I said, yeah, but I'm cleaning the flat.

I need to, you know, I need you out of the way while I'm doing it. He said, yeah, but I don't like it. I didn't open the door because otherwise he'd have run out.

So I was talking underneath the door to him and he was talking underneath the door to me because there's a little bit of a gap. I couldn't see him, but I could see his little nose sniffing and he's like, but I want to get out. I said, yeah, but I don't want to let you out really.

He said, what kind of, what kind of father are you? Do you want to know what kind of a father I am? He said, go on, what? I said, I'm a delicious father. That's what I am. I'm delicious.

And he said, that's creepy. That's really, I feel really uncomfortable right now, daddy. That's a very strange thing to come out with.

So it's no stranger than you talking to me underneath a door. He said, yeah, fair enough. I'll give you that.

But saying that word delicious and the way you said it, it's just strange. I don't think it should be used in that way. I said, why not? Hedgy.

He said, what did you call me? I said, Hedgy. And he sneezed twice. In disbelief.

It's a very delicious sneeze. And he said, why are you calling me Hedgy for? I said, because that's your new nickname. He said, you can't just give me a new nickname.

My name's Andre. I said, yeah. But now it's Hedgy.

Why Hedgy? Because you're a hedgehog. He said, dad, I can't believe we have to have this conversation again. I'm not a hedgehog.

I'm a ferret. I said, no, you're not. You're a hedgehog.

You're a delicious hedgehog. And he said, please stop saying that, daddy. It's disturbing me more than you can imagine.

And I said, okay, if you want me to stop saying it, then tap dance for me. He said, what? I said, I would like you to tap dance for me. He said, how am I supposed to do that? I said, listen, hedgehogs are very good at tap dancing.

You've already got the wooden feet, because all hedgehogs have got wooden feet, haven't they? He said, what? You think hedgehogs have got wooden feet? Yes, they clog when they walk. They've got like wooden clogs, which means they can tap dance. This is going in a very different direction to the way I thought it was going to go, dad.

Firstly, I'm not a hedgehog. But if I was a hedgehog, I wouldn't have wooden feet. I'd just have feet.

I said, wooden feet doesn't mean you can't tap dance. They're not feet. Well, now he knows I'm talking about and he's come up to say hello.

You're going to say hello. You're going to give me a little sneeze. Give me a little sneeze.

Give me a little sneeze. Yes. Go on.

I've got these magic powers over him. So I'm going to concentrate on him sneezing and seeing if it happens. I'm just going to focus on him.

We'll all focus together on him sneezing. Focus. Focus.

Focus. You're going to sneeze. You're going to sneeze any minute now.

You're going to sneeze. You're going to sneeze. You're going to sneeze.

You're going to sneeze for daddy. Sneeze. I'm not letting you go until you do a big sneezy.

Because you do the cutest little sneezes in the whole world. You know that, don't you? Yes, you do. Yes, you do.

What he actually wants is his dinner. Because it's dinner time, isn't it? Sometimes I give him his dinner at 5.30. Sometimes I give him his dinner at 6. Sometimes it's later than that. You know, it depends really.

Because if he's asleep, I don't wake him up to give him his dinner. I used to, because he was a novelty. You know, I was like, oh, Andre? He'd say, yes.

And he'd yawn. And I'd say, baby, you want your dindins? He'd say, oh, that's ever so pleasant of you. That's very considerate.

I'd say, it's fine. You're my little boy. Anything for you.

And he said, OK, well, just bring it over to me then, will you? I said, what? He said, bring it over there. That's a good boy. I'm your dad.

You get out of bed and behave yourself. You know, sometimes he sighs at me. He literally does go, he gets fed up with me sometimes, I think.

He yawns a lot. Anyone would think I was boring the way he yawns. Why are you yawning so much, baby? Baby boy? Baby boy, why are you yawning so much? Why do you do that? Why? Why? Well, that's why.

Because I can. Just give me cuddles for a little bit. Come on.

Just pretend you care, just for a little while. Like I taught you. Pretend to be interested.

That's it. You look at me, but you can kind of look in the distance. You're not really looking at me, but it looks like you are looking at me.

You can kind of defocus your eyes and think about more pleasant things. And all the time I think that you're giving me attention and I have a glowing heart full of love and appreciation. Yes.

Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

It's quite weird because the way I'm holding his head, it looks like his head is shrinking. So I'm thinking I might need to maybe relieve a bit of pressure. His head looks tiny when I do that.

When I pull his, when I pull all his skin back, it looks like he's had a facelift. Didn't you? Because he's got quite furry hair. You know, he can have a bit of a Mohican sometimes.

But he's still the cutest little thing in the whole world, isn't he? Yes, you are. Why are you so cute? How can you still be cute three and a half years later? Hey, how can you still be so blimming cute? I need to give you a bath. Do you want to have a bath, bath? You don't, do you? No, you don't.

It's not really the end of the world having a bath, Andre. You should be able to do it. It just means cleaning you.

You know, I know that you're, you've got oil in your, in your skin and it's self-cleaning, but it's still got dirt there, especially when you go for walks, rolling around in the mud like a big hippo. He did the sneeze. You go now.

Bye. Yeah, he did the sneeze. He did it.

That's a lot of pepper I got through, but got him to do it in the end. See how cute that is? It's cuter when he's not on me though, because he's got a tendency of, he likes to move closer to me when he sneezes in my face, which isn't great. It's not wonderful completely.

You know what I mean, isn't it? See, yeah, he's, he's a good hedgehog to have running around, doing hedgehog things. It's weird though, considering he's not allowed to have milk. He don't half love milk.

You know, I mean, he's lactose intolerant. Naturally, he's not supposed to have dairy products apparently, but he absolutely, like the thing that he loves more than anything in the entire world, apart from causing problems and making as much noise as possible when I'm doing a recording, and wiping his bum on my pillow. The thing that he loves most in the world is whipped cream out of the, you know, the spray cream that you get in the canister things.

It'll actually literally do anything for that. You can get him to do tricks and all kinds of stuff. I don't buy tricks.

I don't mean, you know, send him out on the streets, on street corners, picking up men. I mean, but he does, you know, he will like lay on his back and roll over and absolutely loves whipped cream, but his stomach doesn't. So it's really a case of, there's a big change between the tongue, so the taste, he loves it, loves the taste.

He'll eat a whole thing, a whole canister, you know, he'll just eat as much whipped cream and he'll climb to get to it, do anything to get to the whipped cream. But his stomach doesn't enjoy the whipped cream nowhere near as much as his tongue does. So yes, it was interesting to see it the first time.

My friend showed me, because he had a, had a ferret himself, and he showed me how to, he said, you won't believe this. I said, well, he said, just, just watch. I said, no, I don't like surprises, tell me.

He said, no, just watch. I said, no, I don't, I want to know. I need to know.

He said, this is just, it's too much. I need to know now. He said, no, no, I'll show you.

No, no, I need to know right now. But eventually he showed me and I couldn't believe the way Andre acted. Never had whipped cream before.

And he was entranced. Absolutely. Feel that noise he's making.

How about behaving yourself, Andre? Eh? How about you behaving yourself? It can't be that difficult, can it? Eh? What? You're going to behave? You're going to behave? Please. So I'm holding him, he can't get out, but he doesn't like it. What's wrong? I'm just holding you.

That's all. That's a good boy. Just relax.

Just relax. It's okay. I got you.

That's it. Good boy. You have to have it your own way all the time, don't you? Yes, you do, don't you? Yes, you do.

Can you give daddy kisses? Can I get kisses? Can I get daddy kisses? Give daddy kisses. Oh, thank you. There you go.

Do you want to do a little sneeze? No, he doesn't want to do a sneeze. He's gone back to... He's gone into his bag. He thinks I can't get to him there.

But I can. I know how to get into his bag. I created the bag.

No, I didn't. I don't know why I said that, but yeah, I know how to get in. I'll just unzip it, really.

It's quite easy, really, when you have the know-how. So I hope this was boring enough to fit into the schedule. Scheduled.

I'll let me bore you to sleep. Boring, boring, boring, boring, boring. And it's still light outside.

It's not light inside, but it's light outside. You know what I mean? So I shall speak to you next time. Lots of love.

Bye.