#105 Let me bore you to sleep - LIVE - Jason Newland (4th March 2019)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. So I'm wondering how can I share this? Okay let's have a look. Share. So I'm just going to share on Facebook.

So this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep and it's a live broadcast I guess. Let's see if we can do another. Album.

Trends. YouTube. Cultures to public.

So I'm gonna have to. Oh yeah actually I'll do that. So only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes.

Because it may cause drowsiness. Yeah. And if you're watching on YouTube which will be you'll be watching it back because it won't be live when you're watching on YouTube.

Then please again only listen when you can safely close your eyes. There seems to be. Oh I can't seem to add it to Twitter for some reason.

We can add it to Facebook. Now we'll add it to a message. But there's no point.

So because I'm live I welcome you to join me. And you know I'll have a little participation. Along the way.

My squeaky chair. Just gonna get me tablet out. Okay I had a really lovely.

Right I just got. Eventually my chair will stop squeaking. I had a lovely message today.

Let's see if I can get up the. I wonder where my email is. It's not there.

I thought I would have had an email. On the tablet. I'm sure I did.

Google Chrome. Photos. Messenger.

Settings. Clock. Game.

Messenger. Play. Oh that's very strange.

Oh well. I've done that. So welcome for listening.

Welcome. Welcome for listening. Oh I made myself snot.

Sorry about that. You know you do that. It's worse when you're in public.

And there's people watching. And. That's the last thing you need when you're in an interview.

There's a settings. Microphone. Micros.

Oh there we go. No. OneDrive.

Skype. PowerPoint. Excel.

Word. That's not what I want. Talking of snot.

This is a story. Oh man. It's totally true.

It was in the summer. And I think it was after. Yeah it was.

I can't remember what year it was. It's quite a long time ago. Probably might even be nine years.

Ten years ago. And I signed on for a short while. Just for about three weeks.

No three. About two months. Maybe three months.

I signed unemployed. And I went to the job centre. And filled the forms in properly online.

And then I went in and had to have the. An interview. And they basically just checked through the forms to make sure that.

Everything was correct. You know all that stuff. And I remember.

It's quite. I just remember it quite vividly. Because.

The job centre's not there anymore. It's now. It's like an office block.

And it's. I've not been in there. Other than with a friend.

And it's nothing like it used to be. But this job centre before. The one that was in town.

It's. So you'd go in. You could see through the window.

And there was the machines like the. I don't know what you call them. It's a bit like Argos is now.

If you don't if you have Argos. Where you could. You press on the screen to look and search for jobs.

And there is maybe. In that place. I don't think there's probably more than four.

There might have been six. Screens to look at. And there was a security guard in there.

Sometimes it'd stand at the door. Sometimes it'd stand near the stairs. Sometimes it'd stand near the.

It's like this podium, not a podium. What's the thing that you. If you're going to do a speech.

It's quite often made of wood. And you'd put the book or the piece of paper that you're going to read. Off of in front of you.

And the thing would hold it up. But it's quite often it's a big, a big thing. You know, it's a big piece of wood made into a. It's a lot of a lot of effort put into something just to hold up a piece of paper.

But I think churches have them and schools have them as well. I think maybe universities have them. Yeah, so there's a few different places.

Anyway, they used to have one of those in the job center. And the. Security guards sometimes used to stand near there.

And that used to be a place where. It wasn't necessarily it was kind of like a similar kind of thing. But the member of staff would have a book.

With a list of people that had appointments. And the idea is you'd go up to the person and say hello. Let's say good morning or maybe good afternoon or.

Or how do you know your dog, you know, whatever, I suppose it depends where you're from. Or part of the country. But in this particular job center.

It's stuff and they just say hello. Just basic, basic. And they say, so who are you here to see? So I don't know who I'm here to see.

So if you've got an appointment, I said, yes, I do have an appointment. Well, who are you here to see then? I don't know. Have you got the letter? Yes, I've got the letter.

Who are you here to see then? And I said, I don't know. I said, well, can I have a look at the letter then, please? And I showed them a letter and they say, oh, you're here to see Susan. I said, oh, I still don't care really about the name of the person.

And they'd say, that's a bit rude. I said, I didn't mean it to be rude. I didn't think you'd hear me.

I thought it was under my breath. And I thought there was a big enough distance. But I think what happened is the security guard had his side to me.

And what I whispered actually must have gone into one of his ears and echoed through his empty head and just came out the other side. So you could hear it. And they said, that's even ruder.

I said, yeah, sorry about that. And they said, well, if you go upstairs and go to the left, sit down. And somebody will call your name out.

So that's what I did. There was actually the stairs. They had a lift on the left-hand side.

But that was more for people, I think, that needed to use the lift. I didn't come into that category. So I just, there was also another place, there were some desks downstairs as well, where you could go in and you could get help with forms.

And they'd photocopy forms. And they'd send forms off for you to the various departments connected with the job center. So they were quite good.

And there was this bloke that worked there, and he was bald. And he was really nice. He was bald, but he was really nice.

I'm not saying that him being bald wouldn't, automatically means that he's not a nice person, because that's not what I was saying. I'm sure there's a lot, again, that sounds bad. I'm sure there's lots of very nice, bald people.

That's not what I'm saying either. It's just, it wasn't that I only remember him because of his lack of hair. It isn't the only reason.

The reason I remember him, because he was really friendly and helpful. And he was bald. I remember him being bald.

If he had big, bushy eyebrows, I probably would have remembered that. But he didn't, because he was bald. I'm not saying that people with big, bushy eyebrows can't be bald, because being bald doesn't mean that all of your hair goes, unless, you know, it's certain degrees of alopecia, and baldness can mean that, I know.

But I know someone had alopecia. I've known two people that have had alopecia. And it's not taken, not that it's taken, it's not a disease, but it's not taken all of their hair.

There was one person, a comedian that I knew, and he had like tram lines. I think he used to make jokes about it, but I think it used to be, we did it behind his back, I'm not sure. But he, I don't know if you've seen those crop circles.

It was a bit like that. A little miniature UFO had come down, landed on his head during the night or something. And that was a comedian, I said, he was a comedian in London that I knew for years and years.

And I think he used to tell jokes about, there was laughter concerning his hair from some places. I think it was more for, he was a comedian, so he told jokes about it. And we laughed anyway, I think, regardless of if he did jokes or not.

But no, he didn't, we wouldn't. And he, I've never had that, and you can get it through stress. Stress can really cause hair loss.

And, but I think it's got to be a very, I'm not an expert on this, clearly. And I'm not really an expert on anything, thankfully. I don't, no, I'm not really, I just, I don't know if I'd want to be, I kind of wanted to be an expert on chronic pain.

I see, the things I really wanted to be an expert on, when I was, as I've grown up, I was very into witchcraft. Sounds like, sounds like a bit of a weird thing to kind of admit. But I think we're at an age where I'm not gonna get burnt at the stake.

But I was, I was very young, you know, I was 13, probably at the time. And the reason for me getting interested in witchcraft was because I, I was at school. And I didn't like any of my lessons.

I wasn't interested in any of my lessons. I mean, not any, nothing, zero. Until my RE teacher, that's religious education, well, our religious teacher, took an interest in me for some reason.

And she was the second religious teacher that took an interest in me. The man before her also seemed to like me. So I don't know why that is.

And I feel I only had three teachers seem to show me any kind of kindness or respect. And a dinner lady as well. When I was at school, there was the maths, a maths teacher I had, Mr. Johnson.

And he was a beautiful man, absolutely beautiful man. Lovely. Seriously, he's, he's kind of the, I don't know, I just, I feel loved when I think of him.

It's weird. I just, because he was kind to me. And he was the first teacher to be kind to me.

Not based on my, not based on my achievement, my, you know, because I guess, really didn't care about maths or any other subjects. But he, he at least gave me a chance, you know. And then, because I went into the first year of high school back in 2000, no, 2000, in 1981.

September. So I go to this school. I'm absolutely tiny compared to everybody else.

And so I'm in the school. I even remember, I remember, I remember the actual classroom where the maths took place. The mathematics.

Because I think you, don't you call it, in America, you call it math, not maths. We call it maths, which is short for mathematics, not mathematic. So math doesn't, there's an s at the end, because, yeah.

Anyway, the, he had this big bushy beard and long black hair. I think he had long hair, but he had, he had a big beard. And I remember him sitting, sitting down and actually making an effort with me, trying to show me how something worked.

And giving me, I don't know, just showing some respect, I suppose. Well, anyway, he, he left after a short time because he got ill and he didn't see him again. And then we had, you know, replacement teachers.

And then it became a competition to see how naughty we could all be. And I was pretty good at that. Because I was an expert at being naughty back then.

So what happened is, well, I don't know if that's the only reason, but I got put into a different class. The, like a remedial class, or they called it a dunces class back then. So, so after that, nothing really, didn't really get on with any of the teachers.

And I think work got around about me and most of the teachers just left me alone. To just do what I wanted to do for the next five years. And, but I had one RE teacher.

He was a man. And he lent me a tape to take home with me. And it was the, what was it called? Joseph in a Technicolor raincoat or cardigan or whatever.

And I don't know how we got around him lending it to me. I think he must have played it during the class. And I said, Oh, I love that.

You know, I did. I still do. And that's long before it became, well, no, it was obviously, it was popular.

But it had like a resurgence in the late 80s with Andrew Lloyd Webber and Jason Donovan and various celebrities taking over the role. Well, I listened to the original, the album, you know, the original album. And I just loved it.

Absolutely loved it. And I did go through a phase where I thought I was Jesus. I'll be honest with you.

So it's true. Not so much Jesus, but I thought I was some kind of a spiritual being. And what happened is we had the Gideons Society come around the school.

And they were a Christian society. And they, I think they're worldwide. And they basically give out Bibles for people to read for free.

Now, I like free things. And I loved books, always loved books. So a free book was like, wow.

And that's before I was really into girls. So a free book, I took that, I was going to say with both hands, but it's a pretty small Bible, it didn't need both hands. It's like really, it was red.

I think you can get some of them in blue, but this one was in red. And I've actually got, I've got a copy, not the original, but I've got another version of that in my bedroom, actually. The writing's way too small to read really now.

It's very thin paper. It's, yeah, but I remember reading it, pretty much like read the whole thing. And I could really relate to, I don't know, sort of some of the suffering that Jesus went through and all that stuff.

And I don't want to go into religion, but I just, you know, I just went through that period when I just, I changed for a little while from being rough and ready to putting up with people's rubbish, putting up with people's crap for a little while and letting people walk over me. It didn't last long, but I think part of the reason was because I got the Bible, I got this Bible at the same time my dad went into hospital to have a major operation and the two kind of coincided at the same time, which is really what coincided means, isn't it?

And plus, I think it got me back into that because I lived with Catholic nuns for about two years, maybe longer. In a children's home, so we had a church in the garden and we used to go to church every single day.

And so I was brought up in a very, very, for that period of time, very strict religious environment. And the school we went to was Catholic as well, of course. But you're not going to go to any other school if you live with Catholics.

So it was very Catholic, very strict. So I suppose having moved away from that, but then reading the Bible, it kind of eased me back into something that I was quite able to do easily, quite able to get into that kind of religiously kind of frame of mind a bit. Anyway, it didn't last long, so I got back to my old ways of chucking desks at people and being naughty.

So that was all right. Lending money. I was a money lender.

Can you believe it? The age of 14, 15, I used to lend people money, charge interest, admin and collectors. It's about as silly, very silly. So I borrowed this tape of the Joseph in the Technicolor Elephant, and I really, really loved listening to it.

I think I copied the tape. And I just did a copy of it and kept that, and I used to listen to it nearly every day. And something resonated within me.

I don't know what or why. I'm still not really sure, but something really had a deep effect on me. And with religious studies at that time, we did start to kind of look at other religions, but not much.

It's really more about Christianity. That was pretty much the topic for the first couple of years of high school. And but I think I took RE as a subject.

And like I chose to do RE in the last three years or two years, three years or whatever as well, because I had to choose something. And you had this new lady, and she was kind of Indian. I think she was from India.

But she was talking about other religions. So you can hear there's a cow outside. It's been really windy, and now it's raining.

I bet that coffee, that, that coffee? What's a coffee? I bet that cat looks fluffy. And then he said, I bet that fat looks fluffy. But yeah, it's, I got really interested in, I'll tell you how I got interested in religion.

Other than, you know, because when I was living with a Catholic nun, I was not interested in it. It was forced upon me. I didn't have any choice.

It's, you know, it's the same with most kids that are brought up in a religious situation. They're not, they don't choose it. It's just what's fed to them.

And pretty much, it's when you bring, you could bring a child up to believe absolutely anything. With the right circumstances and environment or wrong depending how you look at it. You could bring someone up, raise them to believe absolutely anything.

Which has been obviously proved many times. And this RE teacher, she started talking about, she was talking about, she started talking about Hindus. So I think she came from a Hindu background.

So she was talking about Hinduism. Hinduism, Muslimism, Jewishism, Christianityism, what other ones? Buddhism, Sikhism. So various different ones.

And she started, what she did was really clever. She used the analogy of the force from Star Wars to explain the, I can't remember, it's a long time ago. But to explain some of the religions and the belief systems.

Which is a good analogy because Star Wars is also made up, made by, produced and created by men. So it's controversial. So it's, I found it very interesting.

But then she went further and she started talking about beliefs. And this is something that I've been interested in ever since. Beliefs, very interesting beliefs.

Very interested, something happened today. Again, referring to people's beliefs and how limited we are by them, or we can be by our beliefs. How blinkered.

And she started talking about beliefs, but talking about things like paranormal stuff. You know, tarot cards, UFOs, just things that people believe in that can't necessarily be proved. And astrology, you know, and from that came vampires, werewolves, which I'd already knew about from the films.

And plus, it turns out that my maths teacher was actually a woman and she was a werewolf. That's why she had the big beard. But, you know, I just kind of, I got interested in it.

And I can honestly say, apart from the only two times I ever got interested in anything at school, at high school. Okay, bearing in mind, I was there for five years, five long years. The very first year in English, we did a, you know, there was a bloke there and he had curly hair.

He was the English teacher, Mr. Wright, I think his name was. And I think he had glasses and he had curly hair. And there was a lady that was in the classroom next door that used to walk past.

And all the boys used to just stare at her and drool as she walked through, she used to walk through our classroom to get out. And she was, might sound sexist, but actually what it was is she looked like a burger and everyone was really hungry. So we were drooling because we just needed to eat because it was near, you know, we still had an hour to lunch.

There's like a little burger with legs, cheeseburger walking down. Got me out of that one. With massive boobs, with a lovely, lovely pineapple.

I don't know what I'm talking about. So he, this teacher, the man, he said to me, he didn't say just to me, he said to all of us, we were reading out of a book. I do know the book, but I can't remember the name of it now.

And I don't care enough to think about it, but it's about a monster. It's like a really, it's like a medieval poem, really old, very, very, very old. And the Grendel, is it Grendel or something? And, and it's, it was like, okay, this is quite interesting.

It's been a film made of it. But it's like very old English, very ye and thy and thou and yonder, and, you know, that kind of sort of language. And so I was, we read a bit, I think we all had to sort of take turns and read in a paragraph.

You know, did that. And then he said, your homework for tonight is, and I do believe, of course, this may be very distorted. All our memories are distorted, you know, to actually remember every single thing that happened is, well, I suppose some people can, can't they? They have all those digital memories or something.

But camcorder memories. But they, I've, he said to us, this is what's happened so far, which we didn't need to be told because we, we were there, we read it, we know what, you know, he said, write down what you think's going to happen next. That was it.

That was the story. That was the homework. Now, I wanted to impress him.

I wanted to do the best bit of work ever. I wanted to write the best story and be the most creative, you know, just, I wanted to do really well. And it's the only time ever at school that I wanted to do well at my homework, ever.

It was the one and only time. And this is what happened. I spent, I reckon I must have spent at least two hours, if not more, doing that homework.

And I sat down and I had this desk that used to pull down. It's basically, it wasn't a desk, but it turned into a desk. You know, it's like a cupboard with a thing that fell down or got pulled down.

And, you know, you could write on it. It didn't write on it, but you know, with paper. So that's what I did.

And I had a chair because I always find it's the best way to, it's easier than trying to balance, you know, crouching down. And the knees just give way too quickly. So I discovered a chair and that was nice.

So I used one of them. And I was just, I was really pleased with it. I thought, I didn't, I'll be honest, I didn't expect it to be on the evening news.

I didn't, you know, I didn't expect anything like that. No, I wasn't expecting any kind of awards, maybe a bit of cake, you know, but nothing too, you know, but I thought it was a good bit of work. I was 11 years old.

Just, just turned 11. I was 11 at the end of August. And this was happening in September.

So I just turned 11. I was very little, very little 11 year old. So I wrote this story about what happens next to, is it Grindel, Grendel, you know, the monster is, it's a story anyway.

I forget. Anyway, I wrote what I thought was going to happen next. Bearing in mind, I had no idea what was going to happen next.

I hadn't read the book, only the bits that we read during the class. There was still quite a lot of the book left to go. Never seen it on telly, never seen the film.

Still haven't actually. I still, I can't watch it because of, just don't want to, don't want to spoil it. I think my version is probably the best version there ever could be.

That's what I thought at the time. So I had a really big ego, very, very arrogant when I was 11, clearly. So I put, I gave the homework in the next day.

And I got the, the, the work back with a very, very, very low mark, very low mark. And I think it was even to the point where like, it was this, like, this is ridiculous. It was, it was, apart from the, the spelling, okay, spelling mistakes, fair enough.

Because I know part of English is learning how to, you know, spell correctly when you write stuff down. And so that's, that's fair enough. I don't, I'll get picked up on that.

And I did, you know, always try to improve a little bit with that stuff. But the teacher, he started to pick me up on the storyline. Bearing in mind, it's my storyline.

And he said, put down what you think's going to happen. So whatever I write, how can it be wrong? It can't be wrong, can it? It's like, just, whatever I write is what I write. And that's what I think is going to happen next.

So he put messages, I think, I can't remember if I actually spoke to him, or not. I kind of recall going up to him and saying, look, well, I probably didn't say look, because I wasn't quite that, that confident. But please, Mr. Teacher, can you, why have I got a, a Z? Well, if you're in America, it's a Z, but it's not, it's a Z. It's supposed to be Z, not Z. Where did you get Z from? It's Z. Can you imagine going to an English class and saying, yeah, why did you give me a Z? You'd get mocked down straight away.

Can you imagine, in England, saying, excuse me, why did you give me a Z? A what? A Z? Do you mean a Zed? What's that, singer? Something Zed? I forget, but I've never been corrected. Don't you mean Z? No, Zed. But it's okay, we can let it go.

I think we should, we should all get on with each other. He invented the language. So, what I was going to do is, I went up to him, and I said, Oi, teacher, what are you going on about? What are you doing? What are you giving me a low score for? What's that all about? You having a laugh, are you, eh? And he said, right, I didn't know what you mean.

Oh, how dare you speak to me in such a manner. How dare you address me in such a poor, illegitimate way. What do you mean illegitimate? What are you saying about my dad? I didn't say anything about your dad.

Or your father, should I say, not dad. Oh, how common. I'm not common.

Okay, I am, I'm a bit common. So, he said, well, what would you like to know, young man? I said, well, I did this thing, I did exactly what you said to do. You said, write down what you think's going to happen.

You know, further on, after this point that we've read up to, you said, yeah. I said, well, that's what I did. And you've marked me down and you've given me some really, lots of critical comments.

I don't understand it. You said, yeah, such as? Such as what? What kind of comments have I left? Don't you remember? No, I don't remember. I was, I do lots of marking of many, many, many different people's work.

Okay, well, first of all, you said, there were no buses at this time. Buses weren't invented at the time of this story. You said there was no television.

You said that the monster was not able to cook lasagna. You said that there's no way the streetlights could ever dance. Yes.

Well, it just seems a bit rude because it's my story. And in all fairness, the story is about a big, scary monster, which doesn't exist. So if we're in a world of things that doesn't exist, can't I, therefore, have things that also doesn't exist, like dancing lampposts, and maybe some things that do exist, like buses.

And he just didn't seem to get it. He didn't seem to understand that, actually, I put a lot of work into this. A lot of work.

And I don't know if it was, I don't know if, because he was my form teacher as well, I think. I think, I can't remember. But he just didn't, he just didn't seem to like me very much.

And I did say to him, do you like me? He said, no. I said, oh, okay, that's why I know that he didn't like me. I said, why? Why don't you like me? He said, just, I don't know, you're just not my kind of person.

I said, yeah, but I'm a kid, I'm just... He said, yeah, sometimes you click with people, you know, sometimes you don't, and you're someone that I don't really care much for. I said, that's just rude, I'm a child, I'm a student in a school. It should, you know, it should be some kind of caring.

He said, yeah, but you can't force it, can you? I said, well, it's just, it's very true. It's actually very true. I don't know if it was the academic aspect of me that he didn't enjoy, or the fact that I kept chucking tables at people.

So I think that might have been, because I did, I did, yeah, in my first parents' evening, when they came home, they said, we've got to do something about you, keep your... Teachers have to keep physically removing you from other pupils. I was like, yeah, but they're being rude. Because don't forget, I was brought up to be, to not be rude, to not swear, to all that stuff.

So I swear now, God, I swear every opportunity, I've ruined many barbecues with my potty mouth. And I remember I ruined a party. There was this friend of mine, and there was a bunch of people that we all knew, all together.

And she says, someone said to this one, this female, who I knew as well, I didn't know her that well, but there was a few of us there. And she said, are you, she said to her, oh, you look really, you look really happy. And she said, yeah, yeah, it's got some good news, but I don't want to tell anyone yet, because I haven't, I haven't told, I haven't told my boyfriend.

And I shouted out, are you pregnant? I didn't realise it was so loud. Everybody in all the different rooms of the house heard me shout that out. And I possibly shouted her name out at the end of it as well.

And she said, yes, I am. I wanted my boyfriend to know before anybody else. And I said, well, I won't say anything.

Besides, I can guarantee I'll have forgotten about it by the end of the evening. I rarely remember anything that's unimportant. And that scene didn't seem to go down very well.

Like, what have I said? What have I done now? What have I done? You're urinating into the fireplace, Jason. It's not the place to urinate. Oh, I didn't know.

Where's the sign? You know, my dad, talking about urinating in a fireplace, my dad, he was getting angry. And he said, because he's got, he's got quite a nice, he's got a nice garden. Not quite a nice, it's a nice garden.

It's, it's okay. It's, it's a lovely, it's a lovely garden. It's a wonder, it's the best.

You'll never see a nicer garden ever. It's, it's like heaven. It's, it's amazing.

Sometimes if I visit, I don't want to leave just because of the garden. I mean, there's been a few, few plane crashes due to that garden because the pilots just transfixed, goes past like, oh my goodness. That's beautiful.

I was like, Captain, should you be looking ahead? What are you looking at? Oh my, oh, Captain, you're right. Wow. So yeah, it's a, it's a nice garden.

And he was saying, oh, I'll put some, put some bird seed out onto the, the bird. And I think it's like a bird house, or it was like a bird table, but it was attached to the tree. Not, it wasn't the tree, it wasn't like an anomaly of the tree, you know, tree didn't grow it out of itself randomly.

It, you know, it was, it was attached, probably not, probably like with wire or something like that, I do believe. Anyway, this bird table thing, my dad was putting seeds out or nuts or, you know, whatever. And he said, he was like, getting upset.

And I said, what's, what's wrong, Daddy? And I patted him, patted him on the head and, do you need to be breastfed? Are you okay, baby? And he said, no. So do you want your bottle, your little blanket, your blankie, cuddle up to feel safe and secure? He said, no, stop that. I said, okay, sorry.

He said, what are you, what's going on? He said, the wrong birds are eating the seeds that I'm putting out. I'm putting the seeds out for the, I think it was like the Robin Red Breasts or something. I'm putting them out.

I giggled because he said Robin. And I had a friend, well, not a friend, it was a, what is it when you, it's not a colleague and it's all an associate, someone that's at school with you. But there was someone at school called Robin.

I've never ever known anybody called Robin other than, you know, Batman's boyfriend. That's, that's it. I've never known anybody called Robin apart from that Batman's life partner and Robin, this, this boy that was at school with me.

He was quite tall. I think he had blonde hair. That's all I remember.

So I said to my dad, well, what you, so you're, you're putting the bird feed onto the table where the birds feed and the wrong bird is feeding and eating the food that you put out for the birds. He said, yes. I said, what do you mean? He said, well, it's simple, really.

He sat me down, got a big piece of paper out. He's going to draw me a graph, you know, describe it in detail. And I was worried he's going to get a PowerPoint this, you know, out and do some kind of display for me, but he didn't, which was good.

It's bad enough when I had the, the facts of life described to me by him. This might, you know what he said? Some people get sat down and told the facts of life, you know, about the birds and the bees and about protection and being careful and perhaps waiting until you love someone and all that stuff. What my dad said to me was, I remember it, it was a Sunday and he said, son, make sure you keep it clean.

Otherwise you won't be able to practice. He let a little giggle, giggled and then he just carried on eating his dinner. I thought, what? That's it.

So that was my only kind of sex advice I ever got. Pretty good advice, actually, all in all. It is good to keep clean.

But so my dad said, yeah, I've got the birds outside. And the wrong birds are taking the food. So I'm putting the food out for the robbing.

I said, do you remember when you gave me that sex advice at the dinner table? He said, yeah, but that's not really relevant, is it? I said, no. He said, why do you keep mentioning it? Every opportunity you mentioned that. I said, I don't mention it every opportunity.

He said, you just did. Yeah. Every funeral, every wedding.

Every, I'm just glad that I just, you couldn't think of what to say then, could you? He said, no, I couldn't. I was flabbergasted. And it just shows you how flabbergasted I was, because no one's used the word flabbergasted since 1983.

Okay, fair enough. So tell me about the birds. Well, the wrong birds.

I'm putting the food out for the robbing. Red breasts. Robbing.

Yet the seagulls are taking the food. The seagulls are eating the food that's for the robbings. And I ain't happy about it at all.

So I offered him some advice. Because I thought, you know what? I'm going to offer him some advice. I want to help him out.

I said, so basically, let me see if I have got this straight. Now, first of all, you put some food out into the garden for the birds. Yes, said my dad.

Secondly, and let's see, and the wrong birds taking your food. So you want the robbing breast bread. Breast bread, bread, breast, breast.

Breast bread. Robbing. You want the robbing to eat the food, but the seagulls eat the food instead.

Is that what you're saying? Is that what you're telling me? Yes, son, that is what I am telling you. Well, here's my idea. Why don't you just put a sign up? This food is for the robins only.

And he said to me, that is ridiculous. I said, not as ridiculous as getting upset because the wrong birds take the food that you put out there. How are they supposed to know that? A bird's a bird's a bird.

You put food outside for the birds. You can't be selective over which birds take the particular food unless you were to put it inside a bird house, which only had the correct size hole for that particular species of bird to be able to enter. Because therefore, if it was a small bird, a small hole, the seagull would not be able to gain access to the food that's inside that hole.

He didn't say anything because he was never there to start with. It's a make-believe conversation. But I did say that to him about wanting to stick a sign out, which didn't seem to impress him.

I don't think it's necessarily our jobs to impress anybody. I don't really want to impress anybody. I don't really feel the need.

I don't feel the need to impress nobody. Nobody at all. No.

So I've got no idea. Is anybody actually watching me? Is anybody watching me at all? I don't know. I'm just going to go on to Facebook because there might actually be.

Oh, now I've got to put the password in. Blimey. Whoops.

Okay, the next bit. I've made my password so complicated that it doesn't seem to work all the time. It's about 50 characters.

Seriously. Oh, I see now. Ever since I got... Someone broke into my... Or they hacked my email account.

I have been very vigilant. Vigilante. I've been very vigilante.

Oh, wow. Okay. Every time I go on to Facebook, I just kind of wish I hadn't.

I just see stuff on there. It's like, oh. Okay, how many more people can we blame for what happens in our lives? It should be called Blamebook, shouldn't it? Facebook.

I actually put a thing. Okay, right. I'm back.

Good. Got a picture of little Andre there. Live now.

All right. I don't think anyone's joined me. That's all right.

It doesn't matter. The... Oh, you never know though. If I go on to Spreaker.

I had... I put a message on Facebook today. And all it was was, hope everyone's having a lovely weekend on Trump book. Or posting comments on Trump book.

That was just the message. Because it's... It's pretty much non-stop... Political rantings and, you know, stuff like that on Facebook these days, I've noticed. Which isn't really my thing.

And one of my... Oh, come on, really? One of my followers... Or listeners or whatever you want to call the person. Posted a comment saying... And... What did he say? Said something about... If you... If I follow this person... If I'm a Trump supporter then... Just... It was just a bunch of unpleasant words really towards me. And... I never said I was anyone's supporter.

I was just... Joking around. So, hey... What can you do, eh? What can you do? Tried to explain it to him that he was perhaps being a bit of a silly billy. But he didn't seem to... Episodes audio file.

So... Okay, let's have a look if I can go into there. Paste. Okay.

All right. Oh, so no one's left a message or anything. So it's okay.

It doesn't really matter because whether I do this live or do it not live. It's still being done live, isn't it? And I never edit. Ever.

Not when it comes to these. Even if there's a sound. I don't bother.

I don't know. If the thing that they sent to Mars landed in the garden. I think I might maybe edit out that sound.

But you know what? If a spacecraft lands in the garden. You're probably not going to have my full attention. If I'm honest.

I will be otherwise distracted. I guess. That's what I'm figuring.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. We're on Earth. We're on Earth.

Earth, Earth, Earth. What on Earth's going on? All right. I can't remember.

I'm trying to figure where the. Oh, there it is. Oh.

How weird. I don't know what the stats are for this. I was thinking.

I was thinking. And again, I don't know if I will. I don't know if I won't.

Obviously, it goes both ways, doesn't it? But I'm thinking, thinking of. Possibly doing a regular live broadcast. But not making a big deal of it.

Just telling you what time it's going to be on. And that those of you that want to come and listen to it later. Can.

And maybe do a live broadcast from midnight until two. Something like that. It's two o'clock now.

So maybe midnight till two is a nice kind of slot. And maybe I can reach a wider audience around the world. Possibly.

But I realise 12 o'clock is quite late. But for those that are really, really, really in need of being bored to sleep. May benefit from having this on live at night, possibly.

I don't know. We'll see. So I might be on here tomorrow at 12.

It might be worth checking it out. Seeing if I'm live. And if I am live.

Let me just check. I reckon. I reckon.

It might even be on my website as we speak. Oh, no, it won't be, will it? Oh, no. But.

There is a way around that. Oh, why is that not working? Oh, dear. I'll have to sort that out.

So HTTP, HTTP forward slash jasonnewland.com is not working. But www.http forward slash forward slash www.jasonnewland.com is working. Or www.jasonnewland.com. So if you do like what I do.

Oh, I can read the comment here. Here's the comment I was going to read. Here we go.

I'll read this and I'll go away. This is from Bob. It's on my website, jasonnewland.com. If you go to the page and go to the bottom of the page and just click on the little pen sign.

And then you can have a look at the comments and you can write your own comment. At the bottom where it says enter your comment. You don't have to be signed in or anything.

So you can do it anonymously. So it says Bob has written, I've been streaming Bore Me on Spotify for several weeks now and find your voice and random topics soothing and relaxing. I'm in my 50s and been listening to talk radio programs at night since I was about 10.

Radio has become loud and obnoxious with commercials and bumper music. I listened to Art Bell for more than a decade. His soothing voice and non-political topics put me to sleep.

Sadly, he retired and passed away and I turned to internet radio looking for something else as I prefer background talk to silence even when sleeping in a tent in the woods. I don't like the television on at night although I fall asleep with it sometimes. Anyway, it's what I like to sleep to like some people like a fan blowing in the room.

I suppose that'd be kind of like white. Is it white noise? White sound? White noise? He says I enjoy your stories about your life past and present and hearing about Andre. There are so many things that make me smile with my eyes closed but I'll mention a few.

So, yelly neighbours, the way you pronounce helicopters, farts in church and poo a shaped suitcase, lifetime bags, boxes of cornflakes and my favourite was when you were thinking about pizza and then your mind went completely blank. That happens to me too. I think you provide a great service to humanity and I appreciate your company.

Bob in California. So, Bob, you're listening to this so I want to thank you very much for your comment. It's very lovely and I will continue to make these recordings.

The deep sleep whisper sessions are still the most popular sessions I do. However, the let me bore you to sleep recordings are growing. The audience is growing and they are fast becoming the most popular sessions that I do.

Maybe it's because I'm stuck at them and I'm now on 100 and I think today's 105. I think this one 104, 105. And I can see a time when perhaps I'll do nothing else but just these.

And maybe for longer, maybe live every night. I quite like the idea of doing something like that where I'm kind of mixing everything together, if you know what I mean. There's the positive suggestions.

There's the, I mean, from what you said, I don't, you know, I don't really talk about politics. I don't get into heavy subjects because, well, the title is let me bore you to sleep. But if I just, you know, that's, it would be the opposite, wouldn't it? If I started getting into that kind of stuff.

But also, I don't really, I like listening to debates. And I like to listen to both sides of the story, both sides of the opinion. And I find that very interesting.

I think it's very, for me, it's good for my brain. It's very good for maybe critical thinking and, you know, stuff like that and stimulating. But I'm not really big on holding opinions for myself.

I very much am a sitting on the fence kind of person. Because I just, I see constantly the, I don't know how angry people can get when they stick to, when they can't budge and someone disagrees with what they believe in and how important it is to people. And I don't really believe in anything that's that important.

There are some things, of course. But, you know, I don't walk around with a big bag of them with me. It's like walking around with a big button saying, press if you want a reaction.

I don't do that. And so that's, but anyway, Bob, I really appreciate what you said. That's lovely.

And you know what, if I can, I don't know about this Art Bell. So I might have to Google. And Art Bell, I'm going to Google him.

Okay, I'll take it as a man. And he said his soothing voice and non-political topics put me to sleep. So yeah, I will.

I'm going to Google him. And if I could do this, I'd be quite happy to do this for a living. You know, just to chat for a few hours every day.

But without it being interactive necessarily. I don't mind a little bit of interaction. It's quite nice.

But not forced interaction. Not where I have to, because I did a live broadcast the other day. And I felt forced because the comments were coming quite quickly.

And I was trying to read them out and respond to them. And that was a positive thing because it meant that those that were listening or viewing it were partaking. You know, showing an interest.

But it's not enjoyable for me. I like things to be very slow. That's what I'm about.

Very, very slow person. I like to just things to be calm. And I've kind of worked my whole life towards this.

And I know from when I was a child, I liked to be calm. I liked the space on my own to read, maybe to watch television. Maybe just to... Even when I was a kid, I used to sit, just lay down on my bed.

Not sleep, but just lay there and just let my mind just wander. Just calm down. And I've been doing that as an adult as well, all my life.

I spend the time just sitting, laying down on the bed or sitting back in a chair. And just turn the television off. No music, nothing.

It could be during the day, after a meal, whenever. And just lay back for maybe half an hour. And just, it's kind of like a meditation, I suppose.

So I'm going to bring this to an end. Because, oh yeah, and if you go to my website, jasonnewland.com. So look, if you put www.jasonnewland.com, because there seems to be a problem with the HTTPP thing. There's not a lot on the website now.

I got rid of the other thing, the other website. Because I'm not going to be selling anything. So there's nothing to buy, it's just me.

So I've listed right at the top of the page, all of the podcasts I've got. The right hand side of the page, you've got the Spreaker podcast link with a logo, my YouTube channel, a logo, SoundCloud podcast with a logo that you can click, Facebook and Twitter, which you can click on. And then there's basically a playlist.

Free hypnosis MPs, MP3s and videos since 2006. And there's a list of the last 100 and however many. I should say that actually.

No, 202 episodes out of about nearly a thousand. So there's 123 hours and 34 minutes on that podcast that you can play to the episodes or download the episodes. You can download or play any of them.

And if you want to see all the other podcasts, click on the Spreaker podcasts banner to the right of the page and that will take you to all the different podcasts or just go up to the top of the page and you click on the one you want. So there's 28 days stop smoking hypnosis course, 30 day relaxation plan hypnosis course. There's a seven day cure insomnia hypnosis course.

There's the chronic pain relief hypnosis, chronic pain Tuesday, daily hypnosis 2018 onwards in brackets, deep sleep whisper hypnosis, which is the most popular one out of all of them, fall asleep counting sheep, fall asleep with Jason, hypnosis for sleeping deeply, hypnotic buffet, hypnotic pain relief, in bed with Jason, Jason Newlands free hypnosis. Did I say Newlands? Newlands free hypnosis. Let me bore you to sleep.

Let me bore your pain away. Live relaxation streams, natural pain relief podcast. Reduce your chronic pain.

Relaxation course. Relaxation hypnosis. Relaxation hypnosis.

Hypnosis for stress and anxiety and panic attacks. Self-help and self-development hypnosis. Short anxiety reduction.

Short pain relief hypnosis course. Short relaxation hypnosis course. Sleep hypnosis weekly.

That's another really popular one. Sleep hypnosis with music. Stop smoking hypnosis podcast.

So let me bore you to sleep is popular. The hypnosis for sleeping deeply is also really popular. So there's a lot of, but they're all, they're all okay.

But that's, there's some of the more popular ones. The most also the relaxation hypnosis for stress, anxiety, and panic attacks is a course I did in 34 days. And I put a lot of work into that as well.

So it's worth a look. So thank you. And the deep sleep whisper.

I've now done 59 of those deep sleep whisper hypnosis recordings. 59. So tomorrow will be the 60th or later today.

So you take care. Thank you for listening. And I'll speak to you next time.

Bye.