#97 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (15th February 2019)

Hello and welcome to Jason Newland dot com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. And the idea of this is that I bore you to sleep.

That is it. That is the whole idea from start to finish. So only, please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes or if you're watching on YouTube, please only watch the video when you can safely close your eyes and please subscribe.

The reason I do the introduction is because me purposely trying to bore you to fall asleep through boredom may cause tiredness. Yeah. So what I thought I might do today, it's actually, it's the day after Valentine's Day.

So what I was thinking is tell you about some of the dates that I've had in the past. And when I lay back on my bed, oh, I got this new thing that I've been doing. So I sit on the side of my bed and you know the crease where your leg is? Not the, I'm talking about the groin or the ankle, but the underneath the knee, that crease.

So I've got that crease is against the end of the mattress sideways and my feet aren't actually on the floor but I've leant back and my head is probably five inches away from the wall. And the reason I'm doing this is it's not just so that I can tell you about it. It's so that I can try and stretch my lower back because it's got a little bit of a back issue that I've had sort of coming on over the last 20 years really.

And I had to stop doing Taekwondo because of it. It's ironic because I go to the doctors and the doctor says, I just need to do more exercise. So I had to stop doing exercise because of my back.

So I don't think my doctor liked me. I think she said something. I had one doctor that really, really didn't.

She literally said to me, well, I'm not going to give you a prostate exam. What? Oh, wait a minute. That wasn't a doctor.

Oh, it's a receptionist. But I'm just saying that some people don't like to be professional, do they? They don't like to be professional. So talking about prostate exams, let's get back to my dates.

I never actually had a prostate exam. Although I did, when I had my appendix out, you know, I had, uh, I had examinations, which I didn't really appreciate or see the point of either. And I'm not going to go into details, but the doctor came in.

So I was in my bed for an appendectomy, whatever they call it, to have my appendix out in the hospital. And the doctor examined me internally and I didn't even know he was going to do it. I think his words were, this might feel a little bit uncomfortable, which was an understatement.

It's, uh, like someone just rubbing stinging nettles across your legs and saying, this probably isn't the best Christmas present you've ever had. You know, it was just, and I think, I remember saying to him, cause it was, it was actually uncomfortable, more than uncomfortable. And I said, I thought you were going to be taking my appendix out through my stomach.

I thought you were cutting me open. I said, yeah, but we are. He thought it was funny.

He thought I was joking. I really, I felt like he was trying to rip them out from inside. Anyway, let's not talk about surgical procedures.

It's not always the best way to relax. I can imagine a discovery is like actually the best way to feel tired is to, you know, for me to read surgical procedures out of your medical books. Nah, so, so relaxing.

Wow. So back to my dating life. What was my first ever date? I've discussed my first ever date.

So I'm not going to go through that again because I went into detail on that. I don't remember what session it was, but it was, I don't want to, um, I kind of don't want to connect that to the rest because I was only little and it was probably my best date I ever had possibly. So, uh, I was about eight at the time.

Um, she was 15. It was brilliant. No, she was probably about seven or eight herself, same age as me.

Um, so I didn't really do much in the way of dating when I was at school. Um, I'm trying to think I must've, I kind of had girlfriends, but I'll be honest. There wasn't a huge amount of romance involved.

And the first, the only two times I recall feeling romantic towards any females was there was one that I asked out just before half term. So we had like a week off and we were, I think she was in my drama class and I just kind of was having a really good time with her. We were laughing around and I asked her out and she said, I'll let you know after half term.

And that was the only holiday, the only school holiday that I was hoping would hurry up. It was the only time ever that I was looking forward to going back to school. So that I could find out if she wanted to, you know, be my girlfriend.

As it turned out, she had a boyfriend. So that didn't kind of work. So there you go.

Um, at school, I fell in love with a girl called Sarah and I used to write poetry about her or to her for her. And I completely lost it. I lost the plot.

I'm going to sit up. Oh dear. It's sometimes quite hard to talk when I'm lying down.

Well, it's not hard to talk, but it's not, it feels a bit weird. I like to be sitting up when I'm talking. That was among the most boring sentences I think I've ever said.

So, um, there was this girl called Sarah. Basically what happened was my neighbor that lived across the road from me was at school and she was a few years younger. So she was probably 13 when I was 15, something like that.

Well, anyway, she had a friend who was not like any 13 year old I've ever seen. She was like a full, but she was much more physically mature than I was at 15. And, um, my friend asked her out.

Well, there and then, do you want to go out on a date? Would you want to be my girlfriend? And I think she said, yes. And then she changed her mind. And then I asked her out and she said, no.

And I thought maybe she'll change her mind, but she didn't ever. Even today, even when was that? 1984 or something like that. And 35 years.

So 35 years, 25, 84, 94, 2004, 2014, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 35 years. Wow. She still hasn't come around.

So if you ever, if it ever went to court, I'd say, look, 35 years, this clearly is love. I haven't seen her for, what, what was weird is she, my dad got married in 92, something like that. And she was doing a catering.

She was part of the catering. I couldn't believe it. So this Sarah who I hadn't seen since 84, 85, suddenly she was an, well, she wasn't suddenly an adult.

She was an adult when I met her really, but she wasn't, she was a kid, but so was I. And, but she was, I don't know how old she would have been then, probably 18, 19, 20. And I said, you all right? She said, yeah, you all right? And that was it. That was the entirety of the conversation I had with her.

And yeah, that was, that was quite weird because I'd put all that energy or I'd focused all that energy towards her for probably a good six months, if not longer. I was completely besotted with her. I didn't know her.

I didn't know anything about her personality. It was basically purely on how she looked, which is very weird. It's very, well, my voice is not as weird as my voice just went there, but it must've been based just on, solely on her, on her looks or her appearance.

Cause if you don't know him, if you don't know the person, you don't get to know them and the restraining order sort of that. No, I don't think we had restraining orders back then. But I, you know, I was a kid.

I was, and I used to write poetry and songs and stuff. I won't sing the song because I've done it in the past quite a few times or read the lyrics of the songs. And they're probably in one of the previous recordings I've done.

So I won't do that again. But they're the only two that I can remember. I used to date a couple of girls at school on and off for years, but used to see them outside of school, but just for like messing around and stuff.

I don't, I don't feel I ever actually went on a date anywhere to a, to a, like a, an event or anything like that. I don't even recall ever going to the cinema with a girl whilst I was at school. I used to go with my brother, but sometimes, but it's not the same, you know, very, very wet kisser.

I mean, no, I'm joking. It's not the same, you know, it's, it's just not the same. It's, I went and saw Superman with my brother.

The, I think it was Superman 2. I don't know about the first one, but I definitely went and saw Superman 2 with my oldest brother. I remember, I remember it very, very well. That was my favourite out of the three Superman films, the original ones.

So I think my very first date, like, yeah, I'm pretty, pretty sure, unless you class walking down to the prom, to the, to the beach and waiting till there's no one else around and spending some quality time together. That's not really a date, is it? So yeah, probably the first kind of girlfriend I had, I can't remember her name, but she had a hat. She wore a hat for some reason.

And I met her when I was working in a chip shop. And she was, I think she was friends with one of the girls that worked there. And I think I made her laugh.

I think I said something that amused her. Either that or I fell over and hurt myself and she laughed and, you know, we got on well after that, maybe, I don't know. And I always, I realised that when I got older, if all else fails, if you can't break the ice with someone, with, if there's a, there's a female I liked when I was in my 20s, if I couldn't break the ice any other way, I'd fall over or, you know, I'd accidentally trip over and injure myself.

And they'd find it so hilariously funny. And it wasn't so great for me, you know, being in hospital, but at least I got a smile. So what's, oh yeah, this girl, she had a hat.

It's the only really thing I remember, well it's not the only thing I remember about her, but it's physically, she had dark hair, I think. She had a hat and I'd never met anyone with a hat before. No, I've met someone with only one arm when I was a kid, lived next door to someone with just one arm.

That was the only person that I ever met. I don't think I've still ever met anyone. It's the only person in my whole life I've ever met that just had one arm.

Born, born that way. And I'm not saying having a hat is the same as having a missing limb, but it was still like a different, you know, difference. It was different from else, elsewhere.

People had hats technically in the winter, you know, like woolly hats to keep the cold away, you know, to keep our hand, not our hands, unless you put your hands in the hat. Usually people wear gloves for that, but it keeps your head nice and warm. And I used to like to push it over my ears because they were kind of, not so bad, but like quite floppy, floppy, flappy ears.

I'm flicking them now, they're quite flappy. They're not, they're not stuck to the side of my head, but they are stuck to the side of my head. I mean, they're not coming to keep falling off, but the actual flappy bit are, you know, the top bit is quite flappy-ish.

Very, yeah, flappy. So what I used to do, and I still do it now, I noticed that recently, is because I had a hat, I still do have a hat. It's not the same hat as I had when I was a kid, or at that period of time when I met the girl with a hat.

But then I didn't need a hat because it wasn't winter. It was sort of, I'm not sure if it was summer, but it was probably sort of, you know, somewhere in between. So maybe autumn or spring.

By the way, we, autumn, for those that you don't realise what it is, it's the correct term. Some people call it fall, but it's actually autumn. That's the correct term for it.

Just a little bit of education. It goes a long way. And where is it? You don't change the name of a season just so it rhymes.

Just so you can do a rhyme about it. Push forward, fall back. No, no, no.

Not changing the name of a season, just so you can remember it in a rhyme. Otherwise, where would we be if we did that with everything? Aluminium? No, it's aluminium. Sorry, I'm going to stop.

So I've got this hat. It's a woolly hat, but it's not probably wool. It's probably more acrylic-y.

I probably wouldn't trust a naked flame to be anywhere near it, if I'm honest. It's sort of like proper cheap. And yeah, I'm not sure about the safety of it.

But I'm outside, so if anything did happen, I'll just stick my head in a puddle or something. And so I've got this hat. And what I do now is I pull it down over my ears.

But the little flappy bits at the bottom, it doesn't go down far enough to cover them. So when it's really cold, like proper coldy cold, I notice it in the little flappy bits. Are they called the vulvas? I don't know.

But the little bits at the bottom of the ear, the flappy bits there, not the flappy bits at the top that have got kind of bony material in, but the flappy ones at the bottom where the vulva, yeah, I think it's the vulva and it's where the people like traditionally, well, traditionally had them pierced. You go traditional piercings, you go back thousands of years and piercings were everywhere thousands of years ago. And it even sounded like I knew what I was talking about then.

I haven't got the first, it's not that I don't know anything about piercings, is I don't care enough to lie about them. I don't care enough to even make stuff up. I'm not, just pierce, I don't see the point in what, haven't we got enough holes in our body? That's just me.

I've got enough holes and I have enough, it takes enough effort just regulating those holes without having to add new ones. So this girl had a hat. I didn't have a hat at the time, but I might have had a hat from the winter that was at home.

You know, I don't chuck out my hats every time of the season changes because I live in a country, and I don't know if anyone realizes this, that don't live in England. So I live in England, we don't have like normal seasons. We do have like general periods when it's similar weather.

So for example, we'll have maybe a couple of months in the summer where it can be pretty nice, you know, regularly quite nice for a few weeks in a row sometimes. And the winter when it's like quite cold for a few weeks in a row. And the autumn when it's maybe windy, you know, the trees get winded, get winded? Yeah, the trees get winded by the wind, and the leaves fall off and cause it very slippery for the people that slip over on leaves.

And because the thing is, the leaves, I remember I said to this tree once, I said, why do you keep dropping the leaves on that pavement? You know, the people fall over. And the tree said to me, yeah, but man, don't you realize? I said, well, why are you talking like that? He said, well, what do I realize? Well, you know, it's supposed to be just ground, like normal ground there. I'm dropping the leaves so that I can reproduce.

This is me shedding my seed. This is me reproducing. This is me making love.

I said, so dropping your leaves is you making love? Yeah, man, I'm making love. But it's just concrete. I can't have no children if it lands on concrete.

It needs to be on dirt and mud and, you know, there needs to be, that's how it needs to be. And that's why you're slipping all over. You're slipping on my babies, man.

You're slipping on my babies. And I thought, I need to stop drinking when I take Andre out for a walk. I need to go out sober.

Because weird things are happening. And so she had a hat. She had a hat.

And it wasn't a trilby. Oh, I once had a hat. Previous to her.

It might not be previous to her having a hat because I don't honestly know how long she had had a hat for. But previous to meeting her, I had a hat. Because my brother had a trilby, my oldest brother.

And I wanted to be like him in some ways. I wanted to, because he was an Elvis fan, and I was an Elvis fan. But I'm not sure how much of my Elvis fanship came from copying him.

But, you know, I love Elvis Presley, always have done since I was a kid. And he was a much, he was fanatical, fanatical about Elvis. And he got a trilby in 1985, I think it was.

I met this girl in 1986, I think. So, yeah, definitely weren't the same person. And besides, she kissed a lot different.

Oh, see, I went back there again. I'm kidding. She, so I got this hat, a trilby hat.

And it was from, I think it was a shop called Coes. Or it might have just been a shop, just a hat shop. I don't know.

But I went and bought one. The thing is, if you're going to buy a trilby, it kind of goes together with certain clothes. Didn't really fit together with, well, my school uniform to start with.

But it didn't fit together with just like normal clothes. It needed, I don't know, kind of like a long overcoat or like a suit or, you know, something a bit more, the words not spectacular, possibly boring, somewhere in the middle, kind of more conservative, old fashioned, maybe wearing braces. I don't know if I ever told you my braces story.

I was in, this is totally true, totally true. I was in a second hand shop. It's like a charity shop.

And I was looking at the books, you know, seeing what books they had. And, you know, they're usually cheap. And I haven't bought any for ages.

But, you know, at that time, I was buying them trying to replenish the books that I had lost. And this man came into the shop and he started looking at some stuff. I couldn't see what he was looking at because I was looking at the books.

There was no mirror on the shelf. So I couldn't watch him whilst pretending to look at the books. So I don't know really what he was doing, but I could kind of hear movement.

But I was more focused on looking at the book titles, uh, if I'm honest. But there was no one else in the shop other than me and him as customers, and two members of staff. One was on the till, she wasn't on the till, she was sitting on a chair, I think, or standing up behind the till area where the till was.

And there was another one that was, I think she was in the stock room coming in and putting stuff up and, you know, working in the back. Well, this man, he had, yeah, he had kind of like a, because I looked at him afterwards, I didn't see what he was wearing to start with, but I looked at him after they started talking. But he was wearing like a suit, quite traditional, old, not old-fashioned, but quite, you know, he was, he was in his probably 60s or maybe a little bit older, 70s maybe.

And he said to the lady who was working there, do you sell braces? I buy braces, and I assume he didn't mean for his teeth, because that would be a weird place to buy stuff like that, wouldn't it? You got any braces? And I need a fill-in as well. Root canal? So it's, so he meant braces, and basically, they're, if you don't know what they are, they are, they're things that hold your trousers up. And you put them all the way across your shoulders, and they hold your trousers up at the bottom, and then they clip onto the front, and they clip onto the back, and you have them both sides.

And they're very traditional, and they've been around for, you know, a long, long time. And they're, they're quite trendy in some ways. They have been quite trendy in the, about 1922.

So he said, have you got any braces? Because there's a lot of clothes, and secondhand clothes. And the lady said to him, no we don't, but if you go around the corner, I think they sell them in the joke shop. I think they sell them in the joke shop.

And she was serious to him. Like he, he wasn't like coming and saying, I want to get myself some funny shoes, big pointy shoes. And he said, well try, have you tried the joke shop? You know, it's like, I want to get myself some items of clothing to keep my trousers from falling down.

Have you tried the joke shop? And I started laughing, because I didn't expect that. I just didn't expect it. I didn't see it coming.

And that, they're the things that sometimes are, sometimes the most funniest, when you don't, you don't know it's coming. And I did not, I could not have predicted what was gonna, what the words were. To be fair, I couldn't have predicted the words that were going to come out of his mouth.

I mean, I didn't, I didn't know that he was going to ask for braces. And I definitely didn't know that she was going to direct him to a joke shop to get them. So we don't have any of those, but you should be able to find your clothing item in the joke shop, because what you wear is a joke.

So yeah, so that's that story. So this girl, she had a hat, and it's more like a flat cap. I don't know the best way to describe that, but it's, it's just a hat that's flat.

So it's not a trollbee, it's not, not the, because I had to get rid of my trollbee, because it kept blowing off my head. Honestly, I was running down the road, I was running down the street after it. I was like, no, this is just ridiculous.

Because no matter how cool and sophisticated I looked, I imagine that coolness reduced somewhat when I was running down the street shouting, someone stop it, help. I probably didn't look quite as cool and sophisticated then. So this girl, she had this hat and she, I asked her out and she said yes.

I think I asked her out, or she asked me out, I'm not sure. She said yes, or I said yes. And we actually went out on a date, like proper, proper date.

We went to a restaurant, Indian restaurant, and, or it was Chinese restaurant, I forget. I think it might be in a Chinese restaurant. Yeah, I think it probably was.

I didn't, I think I ate Indian food back then. And I was very, I didn't, yeah, I didn't, I wasn't very experimental with food. Never have really been that experimental, but I do like tapas.

Is it tapas? There's, the Spanish restaurants where they got lots of different bits of food and lots to try. I like that. I really, really, really like that a lot.

That's probably my favorite because you're not just got a plate full of stuff. You've got lots of different things to choose from. And yeah, it's beautiful.

I like it. I really do. That's what I suppose, that's what I like with, sometimes with Indian restaurants as well, we've got lots of different things to choose from.

Yeah. And you can add that more when you've got a group of people, because you, you know, you can like have each other's bits and bobs, can't you? But we sat there, and I think she, well, she was sitting in front of me. And I don't recall actually hardly having a conversation with her.

She hardly said a word. And I don't remember, but I might have been a bit of a bit of a chatterbox back then. I wasn't quite as reserved as I am now.

So I think I might have just been like a bit nonstop chatting to her or at her. And she didn't, I don't think she really spoke to me. She just looked at me like a bit confused, I think.

And I think we might have gone to a, to the cinema. I'm not sure. But that was my first ever real date as an adult, although I wasn't really an adult.

I was, yeah, I was still 15 probably at the time. I might have been 16. And yeah, I liked her.

But she just didn't. And I don't think she liked me, to be fair, because she kept saying that she didn't like me. And she, I don't think she was ready for, or I don't know, maybe I wasn't ready for a relationship.

But I liked her. I liked her hat. I don't really remember much more about her.

Then, oh, there was this other girl that I worked with called Wendy. Okay, this is ridiculous. This will get you.

I liked her. And I got to know her. And I liked her personality.

She was annoying, but you know, everyone's annoying. So I've really liked her. And I fancied her.

And she tolerated me. And so, you know, we had a laugh and stuff. I asked her out and she kept saying no.

And eventually she said yes. And she agreed to come to the cinema with me. And I think it was, what's the thing with Hogan? Crocodile Dundee 2, I think it was.

Or maybe it was Crocodile Dundee, the first one. So I arranged to meet her at seven o'clock or whatever time. So I'm waiting.

The Crocodile Dundee was a huge, massively popular film. And this was even, I don't think it was even like weekend. It might be midweek.

So it's big queue. I've been waiting in a queue. And I said, I'll wait in a queue for you and I'll see you.

I think she was working. So she was going to come and see me after work and we'll go to the cinema. I saw her come in and I hid.

I hid from her. And I was going to jump out and sort of like, you know, make her scream or laugh or, you know, just basically just make a jump. So I hid, but I hid too long.

I must have hid too long because she didn't pass. So I looked out and I couldn't see her. And I waited and I literally waited and I watched every single person going to the cinema.

But then she wasn't there. I thought she might've just joined the queue at the back or got chatting to someone, nothing. And I think I ended up going in the cinema on my own.

But I don't think I watched the whole film. I think I left because I wasn't, you know, wasn't hugely impressed with myself. I couldn't believe it.

I really liked her, but I actually hid from her on the date. And then she must've got there. And apparently she got, she just said she got there.

I wasn't there. So she went on and that was, I never got another opportunity with her. So yeah, what else? There was another, I went out with another girl, again, about the same kind of time.

I went to the cinema with her and I thought she liked me. And I can honestly say, I don't know. I don't remember who she was.

I don't remember where I met her or from what situation, but I must've asked her if she wanted to go to the cinema. And she said, yes. Went to the cinema.

I put my hand on her knee. That's it. I didn't, you know, literally on the stubby bit, you know, the hard bony bit.

There's nothing. It's the, for me, it's probably the least erotic part of the body would be the knee. It's a stubbly bony bit.

That'd be, that'd be like, you know, kissing a wardrobe. It's, it's, it's not, uh, it's not erotic or sensual for me, you know, but it was more like, uh, a precursor. It was kind of, I suppose in a way I was knocking on the door, like a little knock, ring the doorbell, you know, not, I was going to say, ask your friend to gain entry.

Not, not that way, but just, so maybe I could hold her hand or put my arm around her. You know, it was very awkward. I was only again, 16.

So I didn't know what I was doing. She removed my hand. She picked my hand up by the wrist and moved it over and let it drop on my own leg.

What was supposed to happen from then on was my question. That, that was the end of the day. That, that was what, I think I just said, see ya and left because you can't sit next to someone after they've done that and just carry on like normal.

Just carry on watching a movie thinking she might really like me really, if she's not, you know, just, I was just too full on too soon. I touched her knee. I was, it was, yeah.

So I think I left. I kind of got the idea that maybe she wasn't going to be an important part of my life. Just had a little bit of an idea and I don't know if I've ever touched another knee since apart from my own.

I'm touching my knee now and there's, there's zero eroticism about it. It's, it's, it's like an elbow. It's just, it literally is equivalent to an elbow, isn't it? It's, there's, there's nothing there.

There's no, like, I'm touching it. I don't want to tell you about I'm touching myself. It's just my knee.

There's nothing there like, oh, no. Why'd you above the knee? Like the sides of it, you know, when you move away from the bone, it's quite tender and it feels quite relaxing when I massage it. But I didn't do that with her.

It literally was the bone. It was the, unless I was too, maybe, no, I was going to say maybe I just was a bit too heavy handed. Maybe I, I put, I thought I would just put my hand on it, but maybe I kind of, I dropped my hand on a knee and maybe it made it jump.

I don't think so though. Or maybe it just took too long. Maybe I was just like trying to crawl my hand along.

You know, like when those, well, it's a hand, isn't it? Like a hand. And just, the knee wasn't, it wasn't really the final destination. But it was, it was in that situation.

So I, I left. I made my excuses and left. I still don't remember who she was or how I met her.

Never saw her again, I don't think. It's, so that was when I was 16. So what, what other ones? I asked a girl out who worked in a travel agents.

And basically me and my friend, he had a car and we went for a period when he was just driving around at night with me in the car with him, listening to She's Like the Wind, the theme tune, basically the theme track from Dirty Dancing. And we stopped to help this lady because she was, I think she had a puncture or something. And yeah, so we helped her out and she just got talking to her and she said where she worked and everything.

So I just passed the, I said, I'll pop in and say hi to you or something, which I did. Again, I was 16 at this time. And, or maybe I was 17.

No, I was really 16, 17-ish, probably 16. I went into, no, no, no, I wasn't. I was, I was 18.

Yeah, I was 18 at this time. And yeah, yeah. So I was 18 and I bought her some flowers.

And I walked past the shop that she worked in. I walked past it about 150 times trying to walk in to give her the flowers. In the end, I just went home and I gave them to one of the people I live with.

So you can have them, which caused problems with her and her boyfriend, which wasn't my intention. It was just like, just have them, either that or I'm going to chuck them out. There was no romantic intentions from my side.

But then I did manage to go in. And when I did speak to her, I asked her out. Did you like to go out? And she said, yes.

And I did something that I've never done since. And I don't even know how I did it. But my only advice is if you ever ask someone out and they say, yes, leave, leave there and then say, okay, I'll see you then.

Bye. I basically outstayed my welcome and undid whatever good work I'd done to the point where she didn't want to go out with me. She changed her mind in front of me.

It was like, I've changed my mind. She said it. I'll tell you, I don't want to go out either.

I basically put her off by spending time with her, which I guess would have happened anyway on the date, but at least I'd have had a date with her and it would have been another date because I had to wait till I was 19 before I did the deed, flip the flop, whatever you want to call it, you know, before I, you know, what's it did. I'm glad that when I did finally do the, you know, do it, finally, it was with someone that I really, really liked. I loved this girl called Michelle.

Well, she was a woman. She was what, 25. I was 19.

So she's a bit older than me and I did love her and she took me old, the virgin part, the virgin oil. She took that and we, I don't think we ever went out anywhere. So that was, yeah, that wasn't really much of a date.

Didn't go out anywhere with her, but did spend time with her. So yeah, really, until I got to, I moved to London. So my first proper girlfriend, really, although I don't class the girl, Michelle as being my girlfriend really, cause she is like the chaotic lifestyle and wasn't, I don't think I was the only one in her life really.

But I started dating someone in 1991 and it was like my first proper girlfriend as an adult or as anything really, my first proper, like, I love you, I love you back kind of relationship. So I was 20, 20, 1990, 20. Yeah, I was 20 years old before I had my first actual relationship, romantic, proper going out and dating relationship.

I've had a few since then and I thought I was going to get a chance to talk about all of them, but the time has gone so quickly. Damn. I guess I'll just have to talk about the others another time, I suppose.

Is there being an important relationship? I suppose they're all important, aren't they, in their own way? But yeah, I don't know. I seem to have been in these weird situations where, I don't know, it's like, it's always been something that's got in the way of smooth riding, smooth running, you know, maybe an ex-husband or ex-boyfriend and that's, you know, it's just, there's always something or maybe where they live, maybe they live in a different country or, it's been absolutely ages since I had a girlfriend. I can't even remember what it feels like.

Yeah, I think it was snowing the last time. It was cold. My last girlfriend, yes, my last girlfriend was from Romania and we dated and went out and, yeah, I really liked her.

But because of where she was from, she kept going home for a period of time and I didn't see her and, you know, I think quite early on we perhaps didn't spend enough time with each other to cement the relationship. It's all about timing sometimes, I think. I know when I stopped being a DJ and I moved away from London and one of the waitresses she'd already sort of told me she liked me in a way that I can't really tell you.

It was very explicit, obvious way and she told me again that very, I had a party, like a goodbye party, celebration that I was going away and she told me again and basically made herself available and I really liked her but I didn't know what to do because I'd always liked her from the very start when I first met her but it was difficult to have a relationship with someone I worked with, especially in that kind of nightclub environment because of the attention I was getting from females and I didn't really want to be necessarily settling down at that point with just one person but it was something about her liking me that I struggled with and I've had that in the past.

I seem to prefer it when I like someone that doesn't like me and then just from a distance like drool and be in love with them even though I don't even know the person really very well, very weird. When someone actually says to me, oh I really like you, I don't know what to do, it's like oh, it's like my brain does not comprehend.

How can you like me? What's wrong with you? So yeah, isn't this strange? Why am I opening up? I'm being way too honest. Some of it, oh yeah, I do lie a lot so some of this could be lies, I do, and also hopefully you're not listening to this anyway because you're falling asleep and it's just a bunch of words anyway ultimately. Just a bunch of words blah blah blah.

Right, I'm gonna go. Today may be the first day of my book. I'm gonna be writing a book and I'm gonna, I think, and it's partly because I've been given encouragement from a friend but also because I want to, I've wanted to do this since I was a teenager really.

I wanted to write a book for a long long time, more than, I wanted to write lots of books. I just never knew what kind of stuff I wanted to write and when I got into my early 20s I got very interested in beat, the beat generation books and a lot of books that were written in the first person and then Charles Bukowski, Celine, I think, yeah, and other people that wrote from the first person, like it was their journal really, like they would talk it.

And I kept a journal for 25 years and I destroyed all the books about eight years ago, all the pads that I had and I kept a journal for so long since the age of 19 or 18 and I think maybe I'm going to give it a go.

I did, I asked my friend, I said, I said, friend would you, do you think that I could write or do you think, if I wrote the way that I speak, do you think that it would be readable? And she said no. She said only if you didn't drift off, like go on a tangent maybe and stuff. Although, thinking about it, I think a tangent's quite a nice thing in a book.

Depending, I suppose, I suppose it can be, I don't know, I'm thinking of maybe just writing a book, like a book version of these. Let me bore you to sleep and you read a book and you read it and you read it until you can't read it no more and you go to sleep. That's what I think I'm doing as a start because it's something that, I don't think it's a new thing.

I think it has been done before but not the way I do it. I mean, I don't think anyone's ever done nearly a hundred recordings like this and everything that I do will be, everything that we all do is different from other people. We're all unique, aren't we? But I know what I need right now and that's the heating to be on because it's chilly but I don't turn it on while I'm doing this because the radiators click, click, click, click all the way through.

It's annoying. So I'll speak to you next time. Bye.