#55 Let Me Bore You To Sleep - LIVE - Jason Newland (17th November 2018)

Hello and welcome to Jason Newland dot com. My name is Jason Newland and this is a let me bore you to sleep number 55. These sessions are even older than me by six years.

Well, not six years, but you know. Anyway, if you just join me, this is right at the beginning. I've literally just started and here's Andre saying hello.

My little boy. So if you're listening to this on SoundCloud or Spreaker or iTunes or Spotify or iHeartRadio, wherever you're listening, if you're listening to the podcast on my website. If you want to see Andre, just check out the video on YouTube.

I'm holding him in my arms right now, right at the beginning of the session and I think he actually believes that I've got him a new ferret and I've stuck it to my chin. So he keeps rubbing himself against my chin like I'm another ferret. And so I've got a couple of people saying hello just as I start.

Hi Andrea. Cassie saying it's the middle of the day for her, which I understand. It's about 1230 in the morning here, but I realized that it's not always going to be something you're going to want to listen to live if you're not wanting to go to sleep.

Because the whole point of these is for me to just be as, it's not so much be as boring as I can be, just be in my natural self really. And luckily that's incredibly boring. So that's a good thing.

I only listen to this when, or watch this session when you can safely close your eyes, because this sleep session may cause drowsiness. Drowsiness. And now I'm covered in his hairs.

Andre's, he's shedding his hair at the moment, his coat. I'm not quite sure why. I suppose there's a new coat growing in for winter.

So he's suddenly getting rid of the old summer coat. So he's gone a lot whiter. His, his, his hair is a lot whiter along his back than it was.

But he's, he's being quite good, but he's, he's been a bit naughty this evening by going into the kitchen cupboard and knocking all the tins of, just tins. I don't know what I've got in there. There's a tin of soup, because I know quite a few months ago I bought some tins of soup, but they weren't just tomato soup.

I think I bought maybe two tomato soup, two chicken soup. They weren't for the soul. They were just regular soups.

Two, possibly cocktail soups. A true story. I actually, when I was, when I was younger, when I was a kid, I genuinely believed that cocktail soup was exactly as it sounded.

And so I didn't used to drink, eat it or drink it, but there you go. So I'm just going to talk boringly about whatever. So I'm hoping Andrei will calm down a little bit, but I think he's, he's wide awake at the moment for some reason.

It might be because I got a floodlight shining in the room. I don't think anything could sleep in here. It'd be like, it's kind of like trying to sunbathe, not with the sun but literally on the surface of the sun.

It's just too bright. So I think what other tins have I got in my soup? I'm trying to, not in my soup, in my cupboard. I'm trying to visualize it.

And there's, I think there's a tin of peaches. But the problem with that tin of peaches is that I need to use a tin opener to open it. And I'm a fan of the ring pull tins that you can open them just by pulling the, you know, pulling the ring.

And I like rings. I like to put my finger inside the ring and just pull and it just comes off easier. But the tin opener, I find it's a little just, especially the tin opener I've got is just not, doesn't do it for me.

Doesn't quite do it for me. Yeah, I've had some, I was gonna say I've had some bad experiences with tin openers, but that's a bit dramatic really. But I have had experiences with tin openers that are just, you know, where the tin opener slips.

And I used to work in catering. And it's not a town, it's actually in catering as in food. And catering is a town where in England, but catering, although they might say, they might call it catering where they live, I don't know quite what the accent is in that particular region.

But one of the good things about working in catering is the tin openers are really good. And they might have, if you live, if you work somewhere fancy now, they might be electric tin openers, but I never worked anywhere that had that. What we had was, it'd be on the side of the counter and quite often the tins would be really big, big tins.

They're not just small tins of beans, they'd be proper commercial size tins, really big, big, big tins. But there'd be this tin opener and you'd clamp it and you'd turn the massive handle. It reminds me a little bit about, I don't know if you remember the film Conan, and Arnold Schwarzenegger was pushing this big thing around and around this big handle.

And that's how he got all muscly. It's a little bit like that, but in a form of a tin opener. And it didn't make me muscly at all.

So it's pretty, yeah, but it turned, that's the point, it turned round. I'm trying to think what else turns round. I suppose it's a little bit like a car jack thing, when you try and undo a nut from the wheel of a car and you turn the big wheel around and the big handle.

And I suppose the longer the handle is, the easier it is and the less pressure it puts, the less strength is needed from the participant involved in the activity of turning that handle that we're discussing, depending on what it is. Because it amazes me, you know, I look at some of these technical documentaries on technology or engineering and it's amazing how something so heavy can be lifted by a pulley system and where it ends up where there's just one person can just turn a handle with one hand and the whole thing works, you know, just with a pulley system.

So it's the way it's balanced, balancing weights and taking the pressure off the person and how things can change, you know, just it's so easily you can make that maneuver and move something to a place that you don't need it anymore, but it's not needed.

So in this instance, it'd be perhaps a barrel of oil or a barrel of beer or a piano lifting something into a warehouse because pianos are big. So maybe carrying it from outside the building all the way up with a pulley system and I think of pianos, I think of that situation and I remember the old Lauren Hardy film where they're pushing that piano up all the steps into a mansion and they just keep struggling to get the piano up there and have lots of mishaps along the way. Yeah, that's one of my favorite scenes from Lauren Hardy, although I quite like quite like a lot of Lauren Hardy films because they're just really funny and clever.

I just really enjoyed watching them. I got this from a friend today. It's a Barrett dip and dab.

Basically it's got a little lollipop stick inside and sherbet. It says sherbet dip with a tasty, strawberry flavor lolly. And then it says at the bottom, no artificial colors and flavors.

So I haven't had this since I was at school probably. And I don't remember being worried about artificial colors and flavors back then. Maybe kids are nowadays.

Maybe it's... And then at the back, it's really going into it saying no artificial colors and flavors. Suitable for vegetarians, not suitable suitable for children under 36 months. And when I was at school, I don't think vegetarians really existed.

I'm sure they did, but I've never heard of them. Never heard of a vegetarian. It wasn't really a popular lifestyle choice back then.

I'm sure during the 60s and it probably really was. But lots of Buddhists would not eat meat and various religious kind of things. But I don't ever remember vegetarianism when I was a child.

I don't remember waiting in the canteen and the canteen staff saying, who's got the veggie meal? That was my impression of Doris that worked in the canteen at my school. Who's got the veggie meal? She used to talk like that. Very friendly.

I remember I used to say, hi Doris. And she'd look back at me with a twinkle in her eye and she'd say, who's got the veggie meal? Because that's all she said. She didn't say anything else.

But as they say, a broken clock is right five times a day. And she often got it right because actually it didn't happen, did it? I'm just remembering I'm saying that it didn't happen. Yeah.

No, she didn't ever say that. I made that bit up. That's a problem.

The thing is with telling lies, it's apart from being fun, it's a really great way to get things. No, I'm joking. I don't bother with telling lies.

It's not because of any kind of moral thing, really. I just don't see the point outside of this situation. Of course, I lie all day long, tell silly stories and just make stuff up as well as telling the truth.

But I'll actually correct myself sometimes. I'll talk to someone and say, oh yeah, it's freezing outside. And I think, oh, I'm exaggerating.

It's probably 98 degrees or no, what would it be? Three degrees or two, whatever the degree is below zero or above zero, depending. Because it's all changed. It's all changed since I was a kid.

When I was a youngster at school, even in the 90s, when I was in my 20s, when it was hot, the temperature would be in the 90s. You know, it's 88 degrees. It's 92 degrees outside.

It's really hot. It's 94 degrees. That kind of stuff, like hottest day ever since yesterday or since time began.

Let's have a cup of tea. No, it's too hot for a cup of tea. But Jason, don't you realize that tea, a hot drink, is a great thing to drink when you're hot because it cools you down.

I've tried it. It doesn't. It's a lie.

Another lie. How would drinking a hot drink? I've got another one. I have a big hot bath.

That'll cool me down. No, it won't. It makes you sweat even more.

What if I put more clothes on? That'll cool me. No, it won't. It'll be hotter.

What if I run around in the garden covered in plastic, you know, cellophane? No, you'll just sweat and be very uncomfortable. Make sure you tie your legs separate, otherwise you can't walk. No.

What if I just run, jump up and down for five hours? No, that won't cool you down. It won't. But I thought sweating cools us down.

Yeah, but when it sweats naturally, causing yourself to sweat. What if I go into a sauna? That'll make me sweat. That'll cool me down then, won't it? No, it won't cool you down going into a sauna.

What about if I jump into some icy water after being in the sauna? That'll cool me down. Yeah, that would probably shock your entire system as well, but yeah, temporarily. But yeah, that'll cool you down.

But actually, you won't feel it as being cold because you'll go from hot to freezing and it'll feel just like lukewarm when you do it. Oh, what can I do to cool down then? Glass of cold water, maybe? Maybe take off some of the layers. The layers? What layers? You know, your clothes.

Why don't you just call them clothes then? Why be fancy and call them layers? I don't think calling clothes layers is fancy at all. So when you say layers, are you talking like an onion? Like we've got many, many, many layers, and if you take one layer off, there's another layer that you can see. No, I'm talking about clothes.

Just taking your clothes off. Nothing about onions. Onions are not involved.

But you were talking about food earlier. You were talking about tin openers. Yeah, I know, but I wasn't going to mention onions.

But you can see the connection though, can't you? Onions, tin owner, both in a kitchen. I said a tin opener doesn't necessarily have to be in a kitchen. Well, where else would it be? What, in the toilet? I said, well, no, you can have a tin opener and a bottle opener all within the same instrument.

So you could be in your living room and pop off the top of your beer. Ah, I didn't think about that. You'd have to be in the kitchen.

You don't think about everything, do you? Well, I think about quite a few things. Like what? Well, right now I'm thinking about the Smurfs. What are you thinking about the Smurfs? Well, I just remember playing the Smurfs game when I visited my uncle.

And I remember that trip because I was probably about 14 at the time. And I was about to, it was, yeah, it was the, just before the summer holidays. And we had this two week period at school where we could do all these really fun things.

And we just chose what we wanted to do. And I chose cake decorating because I was already doing baking anyway as a subject. So I chose to do cake decorating.

And I was going to be doing it with my friend and loads of other kids. And I was quite looking forward to it because it was a completely different situation. No maths, no geography.

And hopefully, you know, I thought it'd be fun. And there was a girl that I quite liked and she was going to be doing it as well. So I was, you know, really looking forward to it.

And then I went home. So I think I started on the Monday or something happened. But anyway, I came home.

So I think I started on the Monday. I came home and my step mum said that we were going to visit my uncle for a week or whatever. So I kind of missed out on that cake decorating course.

Well, it wasn't a course, but it was just a, I think it might have been for a week, but it was something that I was looking forward to doing. I thought it'd be quite artistic and fun. You know, I haven't got much memories of doing anything particularly fun at school.

And I think that would have been one of them. But it was fun going to visit my uncle. He lives in a big house.

He was really lovely. And he had a wife, my aunt, I suppose. And he had a little daughter who was younger than my brother.

So at that time, my brother would have been about six. So she was probably four or five. There wasn't a lot of difference.

But she was absolutely obsessed with the Jungle Book movie. You know, the animated original Jungle Book, the Disney one. She absolutely loved that film and had to watch it over and over and over and over again.

Please remember to like if you like this video and subscribe and all that stuff. Over and over and over again. So she used to, and luckily, because he lived in this big house, she'd hog the living room.

And after probably the third time I watched the Jungle Book, I worried for her safety because I couldn't handle it anymore. It was just a bit too much. So I went into a different room.

And my uncle had all these videos that I could watch. He had a television, big television there. But he had an Atari system, which I didn't have at home.

And there's a few games, I suppose, what was it? Space, different space war games. Space Invaders probably. Tetris, I don't know.

I forget the different names of the Pac-Man. But he had one I really liked called Smurfs. So it was really just a standard, what do they, I don't forget what they call it.

Levels, layers, you know, a level game or layers game. Layers, you're going about layers again, I'm not. Levels, different levels.

And like Donkey Kong and that kind of thing. But with this, you'd jump over various things and climb up trees and jump on toadstools, toadstools? Toadstools? Mushrooms. And avoid other things.

And as it played, there was a tune, the Smurf tune. And it went on and on and on and on. Sometimes I had to take a break from that and go and watch the Jungle Book, just to take a break from the Smurf theme tune.

Other times, I'd have to turn the volume down because it was a bit, a little bit too much, I felt, for the safety of the television. I just, it was getting angry. So I really liked that game.

What I liked about it was the joystick of the Atari system. Because if I remember, there was a joystick and it was like a black box and you could fit it into the palm of your hand and there was a joystick and there was a red, I think there's a couple of red buttons either side and there might've been a red button on top as well. I forget.

It's a long time ago. It's 1984, roughly. So that's, it's over 12 years.

I used to have a friend that used to correct me. I'd say that, oh, it's over 12 years. I went, actually, it's 34 years.

I said, exactly. So I was right then, weren't I? It's over 12 years. No, but it's 34 years.

Yeah, 34 years is over 12 years. Sometimes steam used to come out of his ears and he'd jump up and down. I don't know why.

I'm trying to think what else happened on that trip. I had some pasties and I see my uncle was really, really generous. He always bought me and my brothers toys, but like really good toys.

And I think once he bought me a keyboard, like an Atari keyboard. That's not really got anything to do with pasties, but where we lived, they sold the best pasties ever. Best pasties I've ever eaten any time ever in my life.

We're at this, I guess, I don't know if it was a pasty shop, but it was a place that sold pasties, which is, I guess, quite a good place to buy pasties from. It might just have been a normal bakery. I can honestly say that I don't know.

It might, might have been, it might not have been that. It could have been something else. I mean, I don't, I kind of don't like the idea of it being a supermarket.

Now I've got nothing against supermarkets, but I always felt that these pasties were something special, that there was somehow magical and not magical as in I'd eat them and suddenly I could fly, walk through walls or, I don't know, make my toenails grow. Whatever magic powers you might wish for yourself. It just felt magically tasty.

Much, much, much more delicious than any pasty I'd ever had before. And even to this day, I was going to say even to this day, I can still taste them, but I can't. And how could I taste something that I had 34 years ago? I'd just be lying, wouldn't it? I mean, I could say I remember, I remember what the tuna fish tasted like that I had, you know, if I first had something, let's say when I was 19, and I can remember that tuna fish taste.

But that's because I had tuna fish a couple of days ago and, you know, it was still, it's quite a, it's quite a pungent smell. So I could still smell it after I'd eaten it, as if it was following me around. But I don't necessarily remember the actual original smell of that tuna fish from 30 or 20, 29 years ago.

Because that would be 30 years ago, 29 years ago. When I was 19, what would that make me? 19, so I was 19 in 1989. By turn 20, the end of August, 1990.

So 1990, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000. So that's 10 years to 2000. 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010.

So that's 20 years. 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018. So that's 38 years since I was 19.

Wow, 28 years. Did I say 28 or 38? 28, because if it was 38, that would have made me 10, 10, 9, 28. So I left school in 1986.

So what is it now? It's 2018. So I left school when I was 15. So I was 15 in the end of August 1985 and then 1986 I left school in about April time.

So I'm just thinking it's now November 2018 so how many months since April so April so May 2018, June 2018, July 2018, August 2018, September 2018, October 2018, November 2018 so that's seven months plus however many years it's been. So just trying to think so April so 1986, 1987, 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996 so that's ten years, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006 so that's 20 years, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 so that's 30 years, 2017, 2018 so that's 32 years and seven months since I left school.

Sometimes trying to I had these dreams sometimes where I revisit the school I went to and I try to remember the the outlay at the school.

So I remember when I first went there I was tiny and I was what would I have been it was 1981 so that'd be probably yes September 1981 so I turned 11 years old in 1981 so I was literally probably a few weeks after my 11th birthday and and some people that were in the same year as me they turned 12 in September so I had some people were nearly a year older and a year bigger and as far as I am aware I was the youngest person in my year however here's an interesting fact

when I was about seven I lived in the house before my nan and granddad lived there we me and my my dad my stepmom my oldest brother my other brother that was older but not the oldest but younger than the one that was older than him and then my little brother came along and we lived there before my nan and granddad moved in and then we went and lived in a different place a different house but my best friend at that time was called Ian and he had exactly the same date of birth as me

same age same day of birth we were born in different parts of the country so we weren't twins but we were the same age exactly apart from I don't I don't know some people know what time they were born but I don't know I think I think my my mum said that I was born during the adverts whatever that means so I don't remember what I'm not gonna remember in like the exact day but when I was at school because I moved to a different house from where I was before my nan and granddad moved

in there and we lived around the corner from my friend Ian who had the same exact date of birth as I did and we were best friends but we were going to the same school together it was a junior school and when we moved I moved to a different junior school which meant I still kept in contact with him for a while but then as time goes by we move on he had kids you know then we both went to different high schools and so I don't know if it's true or not but I reckon

and I imagined that he was also the youngest person in his year that's what I think because I was the youngest in my year and I had the same day of birth as him so because he has he also had the same day of birth as me I imagine that he also was the youngest in his year because when he started high school it was also in September 1981 and he I imagine again I have to just this is a guessing game really that he was surrounded by people his that were a lot older than

him some of which or maybe nearly a year old in him and had their 12th birthday in September so they were a year older and a year bigger in some cases I don't remember ever discussing this with him you know when it came to going to high school because I didn't have really much contact with him really after I left the house that I used to live in before my nan and grandad moved there but we used to discuss having the same date of birth on numerous occasions because it was because it was so interesting

and it's it's kind of quite unusual to have a friend who has exactly the same date of birth but we weren't we weren't twins we had different parents plus he had blonde hair I don't know what time he was born he might have told me I got this idea that maybe he did know but maybe he didn't want to embarrass me by telling me because he knew that I didn't know and during the adverts is a bit of a vague you know time zone as it were I think if I knew what program my mum

was watching that make more sense I think she was talking about the birth not the conception anyway so 1981 I'm not sure how long ago that is now but I started school so 1981 so 1982 1983 1984 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 so that's 10 years 1992 1993 1994 1995 1996 1997 1998 1999 2000 2001 so that's 20 years 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010 2011 so that takes us to 30 years 2012 2013 and 18 so that's 37 years so how many months plus so if it was September 1981 October 1981 November 1981

that's quite a few years since I was that little boy wearing a tie and a shirt a little shirt that I probably struggled to fit on top of my head it was so little not that I'd walk around in a 11 year old boy's shirt that would be strange on my head but I was really small back then very very short very tiny really compared to everybody else I want to say everybody else I mean the entire world I mean there were babies smaller than me there were nine-year-olds smaller than me and somewhere they probably

were eleven-year-olds smaller than me just not in my school which was was pretty much being the focus of this particular topic you know and I think about the the layout of the school and which entrances that there were so facing the school there was quite a big building and there was a wall in front of it probably about five foot high maybe five foot three inches maybe even six foot I'm not sure but there is a gap where people would walk in the front where the teachers would park their cars and there was a front

entrance for teachers to to go in there and I imagine also for you know parents to go in there as well and but not for the pupils pupils would go in either side so there was a side entrance on either side of the school sometimes I'd go in on the left side and sometimes it going on the right side I think it would depend on where my class was if I had my main classroom that I had to go to every morning for register if that was closer to the left entrance then that might have

been the classroom that I went to but if the the classroom was closer to the right entrance I might go in that way but there was also other entrances as well there was an entrance through the car park which would lead to a different section of the school the assembly room would be there and there was also a room for drama a special room for drama and dancing and things like that the big assembly room was also used for drama the performances because there was a big stage we used to go in there break times

and there'd be a tuck shop and you could you know because sometimes it was raining not not in the hall but outside and it's not always nice to go outside when it's raining especially you know you stuck in the same clothes all day long it's not like being at work you can't just take your underpants off during your break time and put them on the radiator to dry out can't do that at school so I used to try and keep dry if at all possible although sometimes I'd get a bit wet on the way to

work to work to school and that's the thing about sometimes I'd walk to school sometimes I'd cycle on my bicycle to school and although cycling technically you know it's a much quicker journey to get to school I still seem to get wetter because in a sense you're collecting more you're collecting the water quicker maybe and also there's the backsplash from the other cars and there's the water and the puddles and you know maybe riding into you know closer to the curb so that the cars could overtake but then riding through the puddles and getting wet

feet whereas if I'd have walked on a pavement and just walked you know instead of cycling I might have ended up being less wet but it's hard to do a comparison on the same day you know I couldn't there wasn't enough time to cycle into school cycle home again and then walk into school maybe get some changed clothes and and then just compare the two sets of clothes once I arrived at school again to see which set was the most wettest there wasn't time for things like that I mean usually first thing in the morning

when I was actually sitting in the classroom waiting for the teacher to come in and call out our names to check that we were there I'd be doing my homework for the next lesson but I didn't do the previous evening and I found that when I was at school as long as I handed in homework and just made something up it seemed to be the rule seemed to be it's better to hand in a bit of toilet paper than to hand in nothing and of course I'm I don't mean literally handing toilet paper because detention

may follow that action but just a hand in stuff made up so if the question was tell us about something amazing that's happened you know interview interview your granddad interview your granddad over the weekend and you know write it down and then present it on Monday morning and what I would do is just come in on Monday morning and just write down a bunch of makeup stuff not makeup as in eyeliner and you know blusher and lipstick because that wouldn't have really suited talking about my granddad in that way because he really wasn't that much

into makeup but he missed out on all the YouTube tutorials that are about maybe he would have enjoyed them I don't know I doubt it though wasn't really his thing but I just make stuff up besides I only really had two conversations with my granddad and one was about boxing and the other was something about cleaning the toilet after I'd finished with it okay something like that but I didn't he wasn't very talkative to me anyway he's a very he's one of those silent you know strong silent men women you know people types whatever you

wanna how you describe it and him and my grand my nan actually moved into the house that we used to live in when I was younger I lived there for about a year year and a half maybe and and yeah they moved in as well not at the same time I think it was we moved out the same weekend that they moved in so we probably I'm reckoning we probably moved out on the Saturday make sure that everything was left from that house by the end of the Saturday and then on the Sunday my nan

and granddad moved their belongings that's why I imagine happened but I can't be sure because I was too busy thinking about watching the bionic man and Mork and Mindy and monkey that was a TV show I really liked monkey if you don't know what monkey is Google it you may think I know what monkey is I've seen documentaries on monkeys I've been to the zoo no this was actually a television program and it was special it was absolutely brilliant at the time sometimes I'd leave out of the left side of the school other times out

of the right side but the outlay of the school was very much I'll give you an example so you'd go in go in the left side left gate well it was open there wasn't a gate it was just a well it wasn't anything there it was a wall that stopped so I guess that's just a gap isn't it was a gap so walk in the gap and where does a gap start and where does a gap stop when there's space so this is space and a gap it seems quite a similar thing so go in

the left side on the left-hand side of the wall there'd be a big bike rack where you could park your bikes not you but whoever was at the school and you could carry on walking and it's quite a long walk but there's all these classrooms on the right-hand side as you was outside the building looking in and you could walk down and then eventually you end up on the grass and you could walk across the field and there's a big playing field really big and but you could also turn right and there is an entrance

and in the middle of that bit you could walk through the entrance and then you could walk out of the entrance again and walk all the way around the other side or you could walk in that entrance and turn right and walk down through into the school or you could turn left and there was this it's kind of like a lecture room you know with chairs seats that kind of went up in as they went along so if you was at the top you were looking down and not that I really went in there that

often but I did watch a what's his name Harrison Ford's film Raiders of the Lost Ark I watched that there and some other weird stuff there's an okay school really yeah I probably talk more about schools in the future maybe talk about my experiences and that but that's probably enough for one day it's enough excitement for one session so thank you for listening thank you for watching I'll speak to you later or see you later and the session of let me boy to sleep will be number 56 I think I think I think I think

stay relaxed be calm be happy see you next time lots of love bye