#39 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (27th July 2018)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Coffee Croaky Voice Jason Newland in my big black squeaky chair, sipping on a cold can of cocoa cola. I'm timing myself with my iPhone so that I know roughly how long I've been talking for and this is going to be a let me bore you to sleep recording. Please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes and when you are able to happily be bored.

So with these with these sessions they're different each one's different they've all got commonalities and it's still my voice and you know sometimes I'll talk about something about my life sometimes I will focus on you know relaxing or some kind of sleep you know thingy. A few suggestions maybe here and there and other times I will just make up stuff as I go along. This is going to be one of those such times and I'm probably going to tell a story.

I'm just going to make up a story and tell it and that's it really. So the idea behind this is that you listen to me you listen to the boring story you start to zone out background sounds you start to zone out feelings that you may have had you start to zone out from thoughts that were in your mind before you decided to listen to my boring story and then you're focusing solely on the story on my voice and because the story is so boring then you find yourself very likely just drifting off to sleep.

So I will say goodbye at the end of the session but I won't I don't know I won't start shouting or anything to wake you up because that would just be that'd be this silly really I think you know I'll start banging a big bell at the end.

God it reminds me and it's not really that relevant but I went to a Buddhist retreat I've been on a few Buddhist retreat centers retreats over the years not for quite a while and and I actually there was one where we were in all in dormitories sometimes little rooms with maybe four people basically prison cells really I suppose and early in the morning like six o'clock someone would come in and put their hand open the door put their hand through and ring a bell I mean a proper you know as a hand bells that you

um is it hunchback and Notre Dame kind of bell I don't know not a church bell well I kind of like a church bell but without the ropes or the church so yeah that was uh I didn't find that to be the most pleasant way to start the day so I thought I'd do a story so once upon a time it's uh there was this man and he lived in a small room in London so he lived in London in a small room and he was just moving in so he hadn't actually moved in yet

but he was officially he was living there but he didn't you know he paid the deposit on the room and he hadn't actually moved in yet so he was already living there but he didn't move in until the you know the Tuesday or it might be in the Wednesday well actually maybe he paid the deposit on the Wednesday but he moved in on the Saturday or the Sunday you know that's something like that and I wish I'd started talking about mermaids mermaids would have been a better story anyway I'll stick to this and moving in

you know moved all these things in he had he didn't have much most of his stuff was in black bin liners you know like refuge bags and they weren't actually they hadn't been used as refuge bags he didn't empty a bin empty all the rubbish onto the kitchen floor all the eggshells and bits of rotten meat and stuff and then start putting his clothes and his you know books and stuff in there that that didn't happen they were clean black bags he might have had to double them up because not all black bags are particularly

strong or thick and he didn't really have you know a huge amount to invest in this new adventure of his so moving to London from a small town elsewhere out outside of London still in the southeast of the country but not not in the north not in the west not in the east not really kind of the south but more southeast not in the north west not in the north east is there a north south I don't think there can be a north south because it's either north or south but there can be a north

east and a north west I suppose it can't be a north north and he didn't live in the west or the west north or the west yeah the west doesn't seem to have any other thing so you've got the northeast you've got the southeast the northwest and the southwest you haven't got a north south and there isn't a south north and the east doesn't seem to have an east north or an east west or an east south so south north east west west east yeah so he lived in roughly the area the kind of area

that London was but not in London itself because there's a quite a difference between living in a town a small town outside of London than actually living in London yeah very much difference so I think the town that he lived in previously to moving to London possibly held about 50 50 000 people maybe a little bit more about 50 000 I suppose compared to London that has maybe 12 000 12 million sorry 12 million people 12 000 people imagine if London had 12 000 people there'd actually be the right amount of space people actually have

the right amount of space that they needed and everything most people would probably still be a housing shortage anyway this isn't about politics or social economics so where are we so he moved into this place from a small town into London and he moved to the east end of London so London has a bit like the like a compass so you've got north London you've got south London there's east London and there is west London then I suppose you've got northeast London northwest London but no north south and no north north so south London you've

got south London I suppose maybe southeast London southwest London no south north London and no south south London east London there's doesn't seem to be an east south London or an east west London or an east north London and no east east London and I forget what the other one is east south north west west east west south west west north west north so yeah anyway London's broken up into areas just like everywhere is really isn't I mean I suppose even if you if you poured a yogurt onto a plate you know some kind of

flat surface it's technically it's got areas it would sort of move around and it'd be you could say well that's the bottom part that's the top part of the yogurt that's the left side so that's south north west east you know so it's I'm not saying that London's like a yogurt that's being poured onto a savory dish or an ashtray I don't even know if you can even buy ashtrays anymore if you can you wouldn't be able to get one with yogurt in it maybe that's a marketing tool that's not being used to its full

potential because with the smoking bans and less people indulging in that particular sport there must be a lot of ashtrays in storage that were built and created in I don't know an ashtray company made by an ashtray machine I don't know I get I don't know why I've got the idea of um like Santa's little helpers just making ashtrays banging out the metal and just I suppose ashtrays aren't that christmassy are they if they were made colourful and maybe a little bit of mistletoe although mistletoe isn't necessarily christmas is it but it is but I

do like mistletoe well I don't like mistletoe I mean I'm not I don't really I don't have strong feelings about mistletoe really but maybe those ashtrays that were being in storage that perhaps are not being sold anymore perhaps they could be sold as yogurt dishes yogurt trays instead of ashtrays yogurt trays and the little bits where the cigarettes used to be in you know the little dents in the side where cigarettes used to be able to be left you can have that for spoons for the yogurt or maybe you could have a really big ashtray

or yogurt tray and have four spoons and it could be shared in a restaurant so they could be perhaps even more than just yogurt perhaps ice cream or chocolate eclairs or blancmange or prune pudding you know delicacies lard bread and lard one man always used to say to me he said uh when I was young we used to have bread and lard I said yeah and for me that's a conversation stopper what was I supposed to I couldn't add anything to it I mean once I thought maybe I should do a little dance and do

a little tap dance or something um as a response because verbally I had nothing to offer about lard and bread and dripping dripping why is it called dripping because it dripped okay so dripping yeah dripping sandwiches because the dripping is called dripping because it dripped so why is marmalade called marmalade was it not called just lays there doesn't do anything doesn't drip mind you marmalade it doesn't so much drip it falls down doesn't it in a lumps it's it's like a you can imagine a cow that's been left out in the sun for too long

and milking a cow and it's the milk's all gone off and it's just squirting out in lumps of you know like an old milk that's been left in the fridge too long maybe it'll be left out of the fridge for too long and you've got the the udders of the cow and it's just bits of I was gonna say porridge but you know I suppose it would look a little bit like porridge I imagine that though imagine if you a magic cow that produced porridge you could get a cow reproduce it and you could sell

them to every old age pensioner's home you know like a residential home where um elderly people live and you could just basically yeah it could be good couldn't you could just have the cow standing on a table and they could all be sitting around the table while the cow's on and they can all just help themselves to an udder each which wasn't what I was expecting to say so the man who moved to London East London was calling Thomas and uh when he moved in there he introduced himself to the landlady and she said oh

by the way what what's is your name's Tom he said no my name's Thomas and she said to him don't most people call you Tom and he said no people call me Thomas and do you know why that is and she said no I don't know what why that is because she had a kept changing her accent and he said it's because that's what my name is and then he walked up the stairs and then he turned around he came down the stairs and he said I'm sorry she said that's okay so you're okay for

me to call you Tom he said no my name's Thomas so why are you apologizing for them he said well I just farted and uh I didn't realize how bad it was until I got upstairs and I could just feel that it was yeah it was it was a bad one and if he if he hasn't reached you yet it will and when it does you'll hopefully you'll accept my apology before you know and don't phone an ambulance nothing like that it's it's fine it's just a standard natural reaction to being called Tom and she

said you you really every time someone calls you Tom you you let out a little bit of uh you know gas and he said yeah I do it's uh it's just one of those things really she said well out of interest how off oh oh and she just she just ran and she just jumped through the window and she kept running it's like she's just like oh the smell the smell and she just ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and he didn't know what to do luckily they were on the ground floor

so there's no no physical you know everything was fine but just he was a bit astonished because well she had a walking stick and she was very elderly it seemed but it's like there was a it's like the smell brought her back to life gave her that extra energy that gave her the opportunity and just it and he thought you know what my fart my fart is just turned back the hands of time for her physically and she's running like a teenage girl she's running like someone at school full of energy and she was jumping

over horses and that's amazing she was jumping over horses and he couldn't believe it and where did the horses come from this is london what why are there horses walking around the streets but then he remembered that wasn't really part of the story so he could just move on to the next bit without really focusing on the horses part but he struggled a bit you know the horses bit doesn't make sense i mean it's kind of i suppose a bit humorous that a 97 year old lady from where i don't know wherever she was from

um baltimore newcastle or somewhere like that i don't know and she jumped over a horse after jumping out of the window and he could see her in a distance because luckily he had a always carried a telescope around with him so he set it up and he could see her and and he could see her in the distance climbing a mountain but she didn't have any safety equipment on she was just climbing up there in fact it wasn't so much climbing she was running up the mountain and she was running so fast that when she

got to the top of the mountain she just kept going in the air it's a bit like jack and the beanstalk but without the beanstalk or the golden goose or the giants or jack you know what it wasn't apart from that it was very much like jack and the beanstalk in a sense of you know going up into the sky and he thought to himself you know this would be really interesting if there was clouds there because then it seemed like there was maybe a big magical castle in the clouds but there wasn't because it

was a really really clear day and you could just see this 97 year old lady just running in the air up continuously no broomstick i mean um not that she was a witch i'm just saying there's no broomstick she's just and he thought to himself two things really well three things well probably a few things i mean we're all able to have more than one thought he thought if that's what one of my farts and he had to be honest with himself it wasn't one of his best ones it wasn't his best work you know

if it were the painting he probably wouldn't have even put his signature on it yeah he didn't have that kind of pride towards that particular underpant adventure you know didn't really wasn't particularly pleased with it but he was pleased with the reaction and the response which is the same as a reaction i suppose and he thought wow if one of my average farts and i see you know he's average what he really meant is it's like a frozen pie you know from the supermarket wasn't the top end wasn't like a really good brand but it

wasn't like right at the bottom you know so it was it was edible but it wasn't yummy wasn't one of his most delicious farts that's basically what what he thought anyway as he tried not to go back thinking about the cow on the table squirting out porridge he thought if i could help that lady who's fairly elderly at 97 i think it's fair to say that's uh you know it's uh well you're not going to see puberty again are you at that age i suppose you could see childhood again in a sense but he thought

maybe there's some kind of marketing opportunity here maybe i've discovered something special and he could as if he could smell success you know it's um and he thought you know with the london olympics coming up in 2012 because this this is back before that time but not long before he thought with the olympics coming up in london if i could find a way to transfer my energy given power from inside me into athletes that are already fit super fit and imagine the results that could be had so he got really excited at this point so

he jumped up and down a little bit he made sounds like that it's like as if there was a ferret in a cage running around doing the poo and he thought you know i need to test this because he went he went to the he went to the bank and he made an appointment with the business a business advisor in his local bank and he said hello the bank he said hello the bank manager said hi is that tom and he just sat there he just completely ignored the bank advisor and he was the only

one in the waiting room he said excuse me are you tom and again he just completely ignored didn't respond at all and the bank advisor walked over and sat on his lap and tom said what are you doing he said i'm sorry i didn't realize there's anyone here because i called out names and no one answered so i figured this might this chair must be empty i thought i'd come and have a sit down tom said what that's a really weird thing to say the bank bank man said there's probably weirder things have been said

already so far in this story and tom said yeah but that's not really not really your business because you're you're not a major part of this story i'll just uh put it this way if i was gonna wash my hands you'd be maybe a tiny little bit of soap it wouldn't be all the soap that i'd use it'd be a little bit of soap you'd maybe be enough to wash my little finger and the bank the bank man said that's a very very strange thing to say thomas said i agree and the bank man said

well who are you then and thomas stood up he twirled around he took off his sombrero and he said i'm thomas and the bank man said oh nice to meet you tom thomas put down his telescope that proved that he was not very happy he hardly ever put it down you could tell by all the food stains on it that he didn't like to put it down hardly ever amount of porridge stains that were on there and he said please call me thomas i put in a ferret just to you and a ferret ran along

and did a poo and ran off again he said please call me please call me thomas and the bank man said why is that and thomas says because that's just my preferred my preferred name you know is my father's name was thomas my grandfather he started coughing and and the bank man the bank man said are you okay he said yeah sometimes i cough he said oh the bank man the bank manager man business bloke said well that's interesting because we've got a good thing on at the moment we're really looking for new businesses that

are interested in offering some kind of bodily functions you know in order to make money there's a big market out there and thomas said oh it looks like you've got to cough as well and he said yeah oh that is a cough you've got and thomas said yeah it's uh it's been happening now and then anyway should we get down to business and the bank man said well it's hot in here isn't it i think i'll just have a drink of coke and thomas said that's quite a loud loud way to drink isn't it and

the bank man said yes i know it's one of the things i'm most proud about i'm very pleased with that my new wife was very impressed that's why she wanted to marry me oh okay said thomas right should we go into your office and discuss my business uh idea now that we've both stopped stopped coughing and the bank man said fine thomas said what's your name then because you know my name and he said oh yeah i'm mr bank man he said really he said yeah i know work in a bank named mr bank man

it's just one of those things it's uh one of those coincidences he said really that's amazing he said yeah it's uh there's not really any backstory to it really that would make it interesting he said well what did your dad do i said he was a bank worked in a bank all right yeah i don't know why he's he's don't know why we have the name bank man it seems weird so what did your granddad do oh he was uh he worked in a bank so what i mean how far back do you you know

if you do you know about your family and he said all right i'll go back hundreds and hundreds of years they were all bank well you know all worked in a bank apart from one uncle and his name was jack what did he do i said i don't know i think he's he sold knives uh he used to be he used to carry a big bag of knives around london never understood how he could sell them so late at night but yeah thomas said oh would you like an orange and mr bank man said oh

that's very kind of you and thomas said uh also you're gonna say no so i don't actually have any and the bank man mr bank man said why why did you offer me one then if you didn't have any and thomas said well i thought it'd be a really nice thing to do now you ever get one of those days where you just just want to do nice things you know i'd like to offer you a car but i don't have a car to give you so and that seemed like quite an unrealistic gift so

i thought if i offer you an orange it'd be a bit more realistic and maybe you wouldn't want it if i offered you a car then you'd probably want it that'd be embarrassing offerings you something that i don't have to actually give you and mr bank man said yeah but you kind of just did he said okay fair enough so then they sat down and mr bank man said so thomas what's your business idea what's your business proposal and thomas said well here it is what i'm gonna do is i'm going to give my farts

i need the high level ones no the the best ones to the british team for the 2012 london olympic games so they can basically win more stuff and the good thing about this it's totally legal mr bank man he stood up he twirled around about four times and started bouncing around just on his left leg and he says you know what that's a great idea and thomas said well thank you why did you spin around and start bouncing on your left why are you still bouncing on your left leg mr bank man said well i

was told recently that i don't show excitement and some people can't read me they don't they don't know you know they they don't feel that i'm excited about their business ideas so i decided to you know test some some ways of showing people my genuine feelings of excitement towards the the amazing ideas that i hear such as yours and thomas he just he said wow that's that's brilliant i'm really pleased you shared that with me now i need to cough cough and mr bankman said oh bless you thomas said you don't why you say bless

you you don't say bless you when someone coughs it's when someone sneezes do you say that he said yeah i know but someone coughed the other day and they were coughing and i didn't apparently i didn't give the correct response i didn't give any kind of response and my manager told me off i had a cough i said what what happened well the customers cough in and they just give me a business idea of theirs and they were coughing and apparently according to my manager i didn't respond in the correct way i said what was

the correct way what well first of all the manager said i should have called an ambulance when they stopped breathing i said oh okay that's that's probably a good idea anyway back to the uh idea the thing is thomas we need to find a way to test this because you're telling me that the farts you know i need proof you know i know that this works you i need to what on earth is that smell thomas said we needed proof there you are and i've got the smell but oh that's awful what how could oh

how's that gonna help me i'm not an athlete he said oh it's okay i brought some barbells with me always carry around barbells and dumbbells a full gym really in a little backpack that i've got so there you go and just see how easy you can do some curls dumbbell curls and some bench presses and mr bank man said wow it's so easy i wasn't able to do this one and a half minutes ago your thoughts really are magic you know thomas and mr bank man both looked at each other at the same time smiled

and joyfully shouted out magic farts that's the brand magic farts and they had to kiss each other it was a more platonic but it was just it was the right thing to do and i was so happy it was like a moment i imagine it's the same as that that feeling when pyramids were finally completed you know that feeling of accomplishment so mr bank man said well we need to find a way to test this on the actual athletes and mr and he said well what's the best way to do this and he thought about

this he thought well but the best way to do it is to get a bunch of athletes in a room a small room together maybe the hockey team the british hockey team or the british boxing team or something like that and you could have a tube so you could have a you know the kind of thing you put over someone's mouth to help them breathe you could have something like that to put it over your bum and then have maybe eight or twelve tubes coming out of that and then that could be over someone's mouth

over their their nostrils so when you let out a fart a magic fart everybody can have it at the same time and then they can go and test it really instantly go out on the hockey field or get in the boxing gym or weight weight lifting and just see how their level of strength and stamina and speed increases and mr bank man said wow thomas that is incredible and he said oh brilliant he said this is really great and everything and you can have as much money as you want but can i ask you something

thomas said yeah what anything what so why do you carry around a telescope he said do you want the real answer and mr bankman said yeah that'd be nice he said well wherever i go i have to travel around you know be traveling around trying to do uh sell this idea of farts and i've had to move away from where i used to live and i miss my cow so i like to just check up on my cow every now and then i just look for the telescope and i see her make sure that she's

being treated nicely she's producing enough porridge for everybody and mr bankman said you know what that makes perfect sense to me it really does it's it's amazing and it's it's wonderful to actually meet somebody that that really knows their stuff you know i mean you came in there with an idea but it wasn't just an idea it was more than an idea and you could you know some people they can't demonstrate a thought but you had everything there you had the idea you knew what you wanted to do and you could provide the proof instantly

and he said i'm gonna have another drink of coke just to treat my my tonsils and tom said what what do you mean treat your tonsils mr bankman coughed and he said i think it's the dry weather but i just coughed a little bit and probably need to drink water but it's the other side of the room i can't be bothered to get up and why is that mr thomas or thomas not mr thomas it's thomas isn't it he said uh why is that mr bankman he said i don't you haven't got to be formal

here don't need to call me mr bankman call you by my first name okay what's your first name credit card and they giggled they giggled together thomas really appreciated that he thought mr bankman's got a good sense of humor his surname's mr bankman and then his first name's credit card and they went out for coffee they held hands because it felt like the right thing to do sometimes after a business deal is finalized human contact seems relevant sometimes not but in this case cuddling was the right thing for both of them it just felt right

and they shared a burger had a great evening together and thomas made sure that his telescope was by his side the whole time because that is what this is about that's the that's the main philosophy behind you know the main meaning behind this story because if you have a telescope with you at all times it means that you can see further in the distance than you would be able to if you didn't have that telescope i think you'll agree that that is a a worthwhile piece of advice information and it's a bit like the squirrel

chasing the elephant and the elephant's running and running the squirrel's running after the elephant and the elephant keeps running and the squirrel keeps running and they get to a cliff's edge and the elephant's looking down he looks over to the squirrel he says why are you chasing me why are you chasing me like this i'm scared i'm at the cliff's edge why have you been chasing me for miles and miles and miles and the squirrel said and i have your autograph the elephant said what why you what why do you want my autograph and squirrel

said i don't really want your autograph the elephant got a little bit nervous now he said why what what's going on and the squirrel said i've been watching you from afar for quite some time now that i've actually caught up with you i've been embarrassed to really admit really kind of why i've been chasing you and the elephant said it's okay you can admit it what's going on and he said well to be honest with you i thought you was another squirrel didn't realize you were an elephant the elephant said yeah but look how much

bigger i am than you yeah i know i thought you were really really close and they kissed that's the end of this story good night