#32 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (4th July 2018)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep, number 31 I think, and only listen to this or watch this video when you can safely close your eyes because, believe me, you're going to get very bored during this recording. And that's the whole point really. It's a superpower that I discovered I had, or that I have.

I really came to the conclusion a while back that whenever I was talking to people, when I was listening to them talk, they were attentive. But when I spoke about my life and about what I was up to and my interests and things like that, I noticed that their eyes would glaze over a little bit and more often than not they would yawn and I could just see the boredom on their faces. And I suppose to begin with it was, I didn't think of it as a special power, or perhaps more as a disability.

But now, as I got older, I've realised that maybe I should embrace those things that I am good at or excel at. And boring the pants off of people, boring people completely, is what I am really, really good at. So I realised that maybe I'd prefer to be really good at heart surgery or finding the cures for diseases and something like that.

But my speciality is being tedious. So it's not as it's not like you listen to me and your brain cells start to die. It's not that.

It's just that your attention starts to decrease. Your ability to just focus on anything whilst I'm talking reduces to just my voice. And then drifting off into real, real boredom is the natural way to go.

You kind of end up in a One Direction and by that I don't mean the band. By the way, those that are listening to this in 2060, there was a band called One Direction. It was a really big, big, big band.

Massive. At the time, well not now because they've split up, but at the time they were, I think the biggest band in the world or the biggest boy group of all time, apparently. Although I do recall New Kids on the Block being pretty, pretty big back in the late 80s.

Pretty, pretty huge in fact. Worldwide, especially in America, they were absolutely big, very, very big and very popular. Then of course there's that, I'm not sure if you remember, you might not have heard of them, but The Beatles, they were quite popular back in their day.

Rolling Stones. So you know, One Direction might not be the most successful boy group or band of all time, but they were hugely, hugely popular. They were and when they split up, I don't mean they split physically, when they divided or moved away from each other professionally, they've all had success.

All of them, as far as I know. I would name the ones that have had success, but I can't remember their names. One of them's called Zayn.

Another one's called Bobby and Horace. And Horatio, no, I don't know. Steve, maybe.

I sometimes wonder why more parents don't call their children Jason. Just seems like a really nice name. I mean, I've had it for quite a few years and I feel quite comfortable telling people my name.

It just feels like quite a cool name. Not sure why. But yeah, I do think that perhaps more people should call their children Jason.

And regardless of whether it's a boy or a girl, just Jason. You know, we're moving into a society where more and more people don't wish to be categorized by the genitals that they were born with. So, you know, Jason's a good name for everyone.

I don't mean everyone should be called Jason because that would be, that'd be complicated, wouldn't it? I suppose. Maybe call some Jay, some Jace, Jacey, Jasony. I thought for a girl, maybe Jasony would be quite a nice name.

And of course the middle name needs to be Newland. You know, just so everyone knows what, you know, child's named after me, you know, it's important because, you know, just give it a go. They can always change it by deed poll if they want when they're older.

Anyway, that wasn't really what I was going to talk about. I can't remember what I was talking about. One direction.

Oh yeah. It's hard to believe that I'm boring because I know that sometimes I've come across as being really exciting and but mixed in with that pretense of excitement is an underlying boringness that may not be obvious at first, but you'll find that what's strange is you find that parts of your body start to get bored and maybe drift off asleep. Not in a way, the same way that you might wake up and your arms tingly because you've been laying on it or your leg or maybe, you know, I used to do this, you know, when you sit on the toilet for far too long and then you get up and your legs are all pins and needles and it's a really strange feeling.

And so I don't mean and we saw something to say, oh, my legs falling asleep. I don't mean that way. I mean, just literally it's as if your fingers just get bored and just drift off and your hands and your wrists get bored and drift off and your arms and your shoulders just get bored.

They just just because you listen to my voice and even though there's not really any content, which is the magic, that's my superpower. Being able to talk for an hour or longer even without any content at all. Unfortunately, there's no jobs out there for someone like me to just talk about nothing.

Nobody, nobody wants to pay me to do this. It's a shame, isn't it? Because I'd say I'm among the best in the world at doing this. I'm just talking about absolutely nothing for no logical reason.

Just pointlessly dribbling on and on and on. Going back to sitting on the toilet, you may think, why would anyone sit on the toilet for ages? Well, there's a couple of reasons. One is, well, I don't really want to go into details, but sometimes it's just good to let everything kind of dry so you can just crumble it off, especially if you've only got, haven't got enough toilet paper, but forgetting that.

If you're reading, I used to read books. I used to read magazines. I mean, maybe, okay, forget the magazines, but newspapers I'd read while I was on the toilet.

I don't know why it just seemed like the right thing to do. Sometimes you just, if you find an injured bird or we find a little bird that's fallen out of the nest, let's say it's not injured, but you pick it up and you put it back in the nest. You see, maybe you get a ladder and maybe it's in your garden.

So you got a ladder handy, or maybe you borrow the neighbor's ladder. Or maybe you have it on a chair, but you need to be careful with chairs because they just can be wobbly sometimes. But you put the bird, well, I suppose you could buy a ladder for future times as well, but you put the little tiny little bird, birdling, I don't know, little chick, you put it back into the nest because it just feels right.

That's what it used to be like for me reading on the toilet, just felt like the right thing to do. There was no real thought went into it, just felt comfortable. It's a bit like, you know, you got an itch and you scratch it.

I know that that's not always, when you're in public, some people don't like to see people scratching, but I was like, I haven't got fleas anymore. You know, unless you class the eggs that are still there as fleas, I don't know. So the whole point is we've all got our own little things that we like to do.

But you know, nowadays I don't sit on the toilet. Well, I do sit on the toilet because, you know, for obvious reasons, but I don't use it as leisure time anymore. Going to the toilet is no longer a social activity.

You know, I don't, it's not something I plan. I don't have it in my diary. 7.30, have a read on the toilet.

No, I don't do that. I don't. I think it's one, it's a strange thing though because I've noticed with age, as I've got older, cause I'm 47 now, I'll be 48 in August next month, in fact.

And I know I don't look, I don't look that old. I know. But thanks.

Thanks for saying that. The thing is my tummy's just grumbling. It doesn't really feel like it's grumbling.

It's more liquid is being squeezed through pipes or dripping, not drooping as in dripping on bread, like goose fat or anything like that. But I mean, just like a tap. Why do, why do you call taps faucets in other countries? We call them taps faucet.

So is it because you force the water out? Let's force it out. The water's forced out. What do you call this thing that we use to force it out? The water.

Force it out. Why would we force it? Oh, I don't know why we call them taps. Maybe we used to tap on them.

Maybe that was some kind of ritual thing. Maybe, maybe in old days you didn't turn a knob to turn the water on. Maybe it was, ah, you know, some of the old, the old taps, the old, they used to, used to push on them to make the water come out.

So maybe that's why they were called taps. I like making up possibilities. It's a bit like going on Wikipedia, but chances are what I'm saying might be true.

So it's quite good. You know, some people say, well, Google it. If you want to know something, Google.

I actually heard these young girls, well not young, they were younger than me anyway. They were on the bus and they were talking about a friend saying, oh, she's always asking us questions. She's always asking us stuff.

Why doesn't she go on Google? Why doesn't she go on Google? I wasn't sure why she said it twice like that. And I started thinking about it because I like to think about important things. You know, the important questions of life.

And by the way, that's not my back, that's the chair. I started to think, you know what, if we all went onto Google and Googled all the questions that we have, then doesn't that limit the conversations that we can have with other people? You know, you meet someone from, let's say, Portugal or Bulgaria. If I meet someone from Bulgaria and I can't understand how I'm getting on so well with the ladies there, you know, with maybe why, I mean, maybe I'm in Bulgaria and I'm thinking, why I keep asking ladies if they'd like to come out with me for a date and they're all nodding yes and I'm doing really well here.

So I might Google why the ladies in Bulgaria are always so friendly and always saying yes to me, arranging dates. But when I turn up at a restaurant, they're not there. They never actually show.

I can't understand it. I could Google it and I find out that actually in Bulgaria, yes is no and no is yes. So the way we nod yes in, I think most of the world, Bulgaria, that means no.

And no, you know, when you nod head side to heart side, that means yes. I've no idea how that came about, but it was confusing. Very, very confusing for me because I actually was in Bulgaria and I met this lady.

She was working in the hotel that I was staying in. I think I said to her, would you like a drink? And she nodded no. So I stole her shoes and ran off.

No, I didn't. I didn't. I didn't run off.

I just crept away quietly. No, I didn't. I didn't steal her shoes.

What am I going to do with shoes? I do wear shoes, but I'm a size 10 and I've yet to meet a lady that has a size 10 foot. I'm sure there are many out there. I just have many.

Although saying that, how often do I actually ask somebody what size feet they are? It's not the first thing that comes up in a conversation. It's a bit, I don't know if it's a personal thing, but it seems a little bit of an unusual question really. What size shoe are you? Why do you want to know what size shoe I am? I'm just wondering what size shoe you are.

I'm size five. That's good. So can you please give me my chips that I paid for? Can I have my burger? It's perhaps not the right thing to ask people random questions.

I used to have a friend years ago that used to actually say to people, he'd say, can I ask you four questions, please? And he'd just roll off the four questions and he's really pleased with himself. And it was very funny to watch. And they would all be genuine questions as well, you know, that he wanted answers to, but he couldn't wait.

He didn't want to do one answer and get caught up in the conversation. He wanted, you know, he's very specific about the questions that he required answers for. So yeah, I quite like that idea in some ways of just getting to the point.

I've known people that don't seem to have the ability to get to the point ever. And I know that I'm probably one of those, you know, when it comes to these recordings that I do, because there is no point. There is no a outcome.

There is no, I'm not building a castle out of Lego. There's no flag at the end of it to stick on top. You know, it's, it's, it's just, it's not the circle of food, you know, you eat it, and then you let it out.

And you eat some more, and you let that out. Maybe you ever read a newspaper while you let it out. It depends, you know.

Maybe you read the newspaper while you eat. Very likely you'll be eating and letting it out at different times and in different rooms, hopefully. And sometimes I've found that I've had conversations that have lasted for maybe two hours.

And it turned out to be the vaguest conversation ever, where nothing was actually sorted. And the conversation, the meeting with that person was to come to a conclusion, to a decision about something that was quite important to me. That affected me and affected that person.

I'm being quite vague here as well, I know, but to come out of it not knowing any more than I knew when I came in. It's, it's a little bit like having a tapas, you know, going to a Spanish restaurant and have a tapas, tapas bar or something. You have so many different foods.

That's my, that's my, did you hear that? That was my big toe cracking. I don't worry about that because it's been happening for years and years and years ever since I was a kid. Cause I used to actually do karate when I was a kid.

I'm coming back to the tapas, don't worry. I might not. Yeah, I might not come back to it.

The point about a tapas was, and I love tapas. I do. I hope I've got the right word, the right name, tapas.

But when I lived in London, I don't think I've, I might've been to one since I moved out of London. But when I was living in London, I used to go to a Spanish restaurant with my cousin and we used to have tapas and there'd be so many different, it's like a, the meal was a combination of sides, side dishes. It was yummy.

It was really nice. But remembering what I'd had to eat, because there's so much, it's like I hadn't had a meal yet. I was, I had a full tum tum, you know? So I used to do karate back in, when I was about, I think I started that when I was 14, 13, 14, something like that.

I did it for a couple of years until I was 16, two or three years. Anyway, I went to the doctor because my toes were hurting and the doctor said, hello. I said, hello.

He said, you all right? I said, no, why would I come here if I was all right? You're a doctor. It's not a social visit. I didn't come here to invite you to my birthday party.

Well, you know, of course I'm not okay. And he said, well, you don't have to be rude, really, do you? You're still a teenager. I said, exactly, I'm a teenager.

That's what teenagers do. He said, yeah, but that's not all teenagers do, is it? I said, what do you mean? He said, well, some teenagers do wonderful things. You know, they learn, they, you know, study, they help people, they do charity work, they look after their parents or grandparents.

Some teenagers write books. You know, teenagers do lots of different things. I said, well, okay.

So what he's saying is teenagers are basically human beings. And he said, yeah, he gave me a lollipop. And I thought, wow, if only I'd known that getting questions right would result in me getting a lollipop, I probably would have made more of an effort to answer questions, especially to the doctor.

I found out later on that actually it's a good idea to tell the doctor everything they need to know, because it's easy for them to actually diagnose. So I had my toes and I said, oh, he said, what are you saying oh for? I said, I'm being dramatic. I'm trying to sort of show you, but in an emotional way, you know, that my big toe, or both of them actually, are painful.

He said, yeah, but you could have just said they're painful. What was with the sound effects? I said, it's not the doctor. It's not really sound effects, is it? You know, I didn't, there was no drum sounds.

There was no, you know, synthetic, you know, musical instruments. And he said, they're true. You know, I said, well, there's no samples.

He said, well, what do you mean samples? He said, do you mean like urine samples or blood samples? I said, no. He said, well, what samples? I said, well, you know, music samples. It wasn't, you know, it wasn't, I didn't give you a music sample.

He said, what's that? I said, it's something that bands would use. They'd mix it and they'd put it in to use it as a part of a song. He said, really? I said, yeah.

He said, oh, I didn't know that. I said, oh, yeah. I mean, it's not really why I came here.

However, you know, I'm glad you gave me a lollipop, so I'm happy to, to give you something in return. And he said, well, could I choose a different gift? Excuse me? Well, he said, well, you know, I appreciate, you know, that you gave me that information about a sample in return for the lollipop that I gave you. I was wondering if I could change my gift.

I could return it and ask for something else. Choose something that is a bit more useful to me. Something, you know, because I didn't, didn't realize that this was going to occur.

I said, well, I suppose so. I mean, I've already told you about the sample stuff, you know, music, and it's kind of the gift is used, isn't it, really? It's, you know, you can't return tampons or condoms, you know. He said, well, it's not really the same thing, though, is it, Jason? I said, okay, fair enough.

It's not really, is it? No. He said, I mean, he said to me, if you'd have given me tampons, well, firstly, I wouldn't need to use them because I'm male. And I said, yeah, but to be honest, I don't know what they're for.

I'm 15 years old and I don't really understand much about tampons. All I know is that they're supposed to be funny and you can make them wet and chuck them up against the ceiling in the boys' toilets and they stick. Other than that, I don't really know what they're for.

My legs are sticking to the chair. I feel a bit like an octopus, but, well, but with legs and just human shape. So I suppose the back of my legs being kind of like tentacles sticking to stuff.

And he said, why are you talking about octopuses? I said, sorry, I was just, it was an aside. So I said, well, doctor, what would you like? He said, first of all, stop calling me doctor. I said, okay.

He said, my name's Horace. Call me Horace. I said, are you sure? He said, of course, I'm sure what my name is.

I said, don't, I mean, now, I mean, are you sure? Don't worry. And so what, what would you like then? Instead of the, me telling you about the sample. And he said, I quite like a car, like a Jaguar or something like that.

I said, you what? That, I'm 15 years old. Where am I going to get a Jaguar from? I mean, I could, I've got no money. I find it easier to get you a Jaguar from the zoo than to get you an actual, you know, car version of that particular name.

And he said, well, okay then. And I thought, well, I said to him, what, you seem upset. Did you really believe that I was going to be able to come up with 60, 70,000 pounds, whatever it would cost to get you a Jaguar? And he said, come on, it wouldn't cost that much.

It doesn't have to be a new one. I said, that's not really the point. It's, you know, I've got a paper round and I get paid like two pounds or three pounds a week.

And he said, okay. I said, you know what though, Dr. Horace? He said, what's that? While we're here, I'll let you look at my toes. He said, yeah, okay then.

So took my socks off, put the rest of my clothes back on. And I just said, he said, can you stand on your toes? And I said, I can do lots of things. He said, no, but specifically the toes.

I said, well, yeah. But just as then my toes clicked, he said, does it hurt when you stand on your toes? I said, yeah. And he said, well, maybe you shouldn't do it then.

I said, that's that's an old joke. And that was, that was, uh, Ronnie Barker did that in Porridge. And he said, well, no, he didn't do exactly like that.

He, he said, uh, that's more an elbow thing, wasn't it? My elbow hurts. I can't do this with it. And then he moved the elbow that was hurting in a way that he was trying to explain that he couldn't move it.

I said, okay, so back to my toes. And the doctor said, uh, you know what you got there? And he was laughing. Well, he wasn't like laughing out loud, not hysterically.

Cause that would have been, I suppose it would have been slightly disturbing really, especially after we'd had such a normal conversation. And he said, uh, what you have there, Jason is something that we call in the medical society, we call it ballerina toes. I said, what, what do you mean? I've got ballerina toes.

He said, yeah, you got ballerinas toes. I said, firstly, I don't do ballet. So how can I have ballerina toes? He says, well, it's the same problem that ballerinas have is when you use your toes a lot with karate, you're jumping up and down, using your feet, uh, standing on your tip toes, pulling your toes back when you're kicking all that stuff.

Well, that causes strain on the ligaments and the joints of your toes, which then causes the discomfort that you've been experiencing. I said, you know what Dr. Horace, he said, what's that patient, Jason? I said, that actually makes sense. It really does make sense because we do spend a lot of time jumping up and down on my toes.

And more so than I did before. Uh, I was jumping up and down on my toes before I didn't do that. I didn't have any problems with my toes, but now that I do jump up and down on them, they kind of creak like a, like a rusty spine.

You know, it's very, very creaky. It's another one just gone. It's only the big toes that do it.

The toes never really, I say recovered, but because I've done other martial arts, you know, over the years plus boxing and things. So there's always been periods of activity where I've been using my feet and kicking and jumping around on my toes. And I thought that would have loosened the joints and ligaments and stretched everything, but it's not so bad.

Just letting you know, there might be background sounds. That's what I heard. Someone in the distance that may knock on my door, but I won't answer it because I can't, because I'm doing this.

Oh, squeaky, squeaky. Because I'm only 43 minutes in, I can't let it down and stop before the hour because it's good to talk about nothing for as long as possible, which is what I'm doing. And sometimes I will talk about things that maybe have happened and other times I may just make everything up just for the sake of it.

And other times I might actually focus completely on the different parts of your body that feel now much more relaxed than they did before. Press the play button on this audio or video. So whether you're listening on SoundCloud or iTunes, Spreaker, Anchor, Podchaser.

It's a weird name, isn't it? Podchaser. Like chasing a podcast. Or if you're watching on YouTube, my YouTube channel.

What's my YouTube channel name? I think it's Jason Newland's Free Hypnosis Service, I think. I think that's what it's called. I've been uploading the old archived videos from the past.

Of course, archived means, I think, doesn't it, from the past or... I think there's about... I'm bored of myself. I think there's about 383 videos now uploaded on the YouTube channel. And I've been also making new sessions a bit more regularly as well.

Always doing the Hypnotic Buffet on Mondays and maybe doing a couple of Let Me Boy Into Sleep sessions a week. And also this morning or this afternoon, I did a Deep Sleep Whisper Hypnosis ASMR number four. And that was about 24 minutes of me whispering.

So, you know, I'm going to be uploading the sleep or the relaxation course I did for stress, anxiety, and panic attacks. It's 34 videos. Most of them are fairly long.

So I'll be uploading those. I uploaded one today, but I think it was like 3.4 gigabytes. So it's quite a lot of space to take up, but it's on YouTube, so it's fine.

So I'm going to be uploading the other 33. Well, over the next couple of days, I'll upload... I'll try and upload maybe 10 or 15 overnight. More, you know, when I'm asleep, I think.

So that's good. I'm still working on the website. That's another place you might decide to find what I do on jasonnewland.com. All my stuff's on there.

I'm still in the process of categorizing the different things that I've got available, but it's coming together quite nicely. I'm fairly pleased. And every day I'm moving closer to making more of my stuff available free for you to watch, to download, or to stream.

So you can download the MP3, you can stream the audio, or you can watch the video. So yeah, it's all coming together piece by piece. I like the word piece.

I'm feeling quite peaceful tonight. I'm also feeling a bit hungry, so I might be having something to eat. I will be when I finish this.

I'm going to... I might cook myself a pizza. Yeah, something that I might do. It's just the... it's the time it takes.

I mean, it doesn't take a long time to actually cook the pizza, because it's cooked and frozen, and it takes about 13 minutes. But it's heating the oven up. And until recently, I was always following the instructions and having the oven on it at like maybe 180 degrees.

I kind of sussed out and remembered that the ovens in pizza places, pizza parlours, or pizza shops like Domino's or wherever, their ovens are really, really, really high. So I decided to start doing that. And I put my oven on the highest it can be.

And I put the pizza in for about 13 minutes. And it comes out pretty much perfect. Crunchy, not burnt, but you know, everything fairly how it should be, or how I like it to be.

Probably could get it out at 12 minutes, maybe 12 and a half. It's a judgment, you know. I think the main thing is that it's edible.

Because I've made pizzas in the past, or I've cooked pizzas in the past, that I just couldn't eat. They were just burnt or too, you know, too chewy. Or, you know, you could use them as a discus, or a frisbee, a weird frisbee.

But because they're circular, they're flat. Or as a, I suppose, a spaceship. But you couldn't use it as a spaceship because there's no engine inside.

So that wouldn't really be practical. But imagine if you were tiny, and you had the ability to build a spaceship with the outside of it looking like a pizza. Then I suppose that could work.

But I don't know how. To be honest, it's not something I've really given much thought to. I wonder how your mind is.

As your mind just seems to close down, enjoying the quiet, and just allowing yourself to feel peaceful. I'm struggling not to just fall asleep myself. The more sleepy that I get, the more I just want to close my eyes and let go, and enjoy the freedom of feeling relaxed.

Not just in your body, also in your mind. That's a nice feeling to not have to do anything. That's a really lovely feeling to just enjoy being you now.

And as my chair squeaks a little bit more, and I pick up my glasses, and I put them on my face, and I realize that I don't need to wear my glasses. Eyes are closed, but I can't be bothered to take them off again. Besides, nothing really matters when you feel completely peaceful.

Even cars in the background, no difference to how comfortable and relaxed your whole body feel so completely. And we're coming to the end of this recording. Honestly, can't be bothered to push the stop button, because that will involve lifting my hand, and even Andre sneezing, and then running over behind my chair, and doing what he's just done, which will involve me possibly needing to open a window, because I gave him some chocolate milk earlier today, and I shouldn't have done that.

I'm gonna go now, speak to you next time. Bye.