#28 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (21st June 2018)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. This is number 28 of the... what is it? Let me bore you to sleep. Number 28. Let me creak you to sleep or let me bore you to creak.

Andre's decided to jump up on me straight away. Normally he waits a little while but he's... Why are you sniffing there? Stop it. So basically the whole idea behind these sessions, these recordings, is I just talk about pretty much anything that I feel like and none of it is going to be very exciting.

It gives you the opportunity to just relax, let go and drift away while my boring voice is connected to the boring words, making up boring sentences, contributing towards boring stories which allows you to just get even more bored. And that's the whole point of these let me bore you to sleep recordings. I think the old saying is uh you get what it says on the tin which I suppose is the same with anything you buy that's got... it's in a tin isn't it? I mean most things in tins have...

well I imagine they all have what's inside and how would you sell something if you didn't tell the customer what the contents were? It'd just be an empty tin or a tin with stuff in but some kind of surprise.

I don't know if it'd work but I only listen to my voice or watch the videos if you're watching on YouTube if you can safely close your eyes because my boring voice and my boring stories may bore you. So this let me bore you to sleep might bore you to sleep is kind of what I'm trying to say. For some reason Andre's decided to come and cuddle me and he's wrapped all around me he's just looks like he's going to sleep.

So you know one of the good things about him... not good things about him but one of the things I quite like is he's got his hands and he's got his feet and there's something about when I touch his his feet he wraps his little toes around my finger and there's something really cute about it because he's got such little feet this it's like it's an automatic thing and I just I don't know why I just love it one of my favorite things in the world. Yeah give daddy kisses daddy kisses. Oh okay blimey he ran off he's decided to oh I think kissing my face made him feel hungry now it's gone time to eat unless he's just trying to take the taste away.

So whenever I make a recording in a series this is kind of like a series but not a series in the sense of there's going to be a week it's a seven sessions and then it's done this is more serious where it's just open-ended goes on for forever and ever and ever.

I might be still doing these when I'm 60 and I'll be saying okay so now it's time for let me bore you to sleep 2003 as far you know how many rather than the year it wouldn't be the year would it because it's now 2018 you know episode 2013 or 2003 or 942 you know you get what I'm saying it doesn't have to be a specific number and it's not really relevant is it because it could be any number because you know we're looking into the future I could have said 405 or 3009 but then

I guess it would depend on if I did a session every day which I'm probably not going to then they would last that would mean I'll do 365 of these a year so for 10 I'm now 47 I'll be 48 soon a couple of months so you're looking at 12 years if I'm still doing this at 60 still doing making these sessions at 60 years old that's 10 years so it's 3650 plus a couple of years worth as well 360 600 so it'd be 4100 or something so over 4000 episodes can you imagine that but

then who knows you know in when I'm 60 I might be talking about completely different things I might be who knows I might be married I might I might have a children or stepchildren or grandchildren who knows I might have a pony in the garden you know I might have a might have a swimming pool I don't mean owning a leisure center you know not an Olympic size pool but I might have a paddling pool or something like that or I may live in on a mountain somewhere perhaps gone down you know the spiritual route

and decided to live in a cave and meditate all day for years and years but the thing is if I suppose if I did do that then I either I wouldn't be able to make sessions anymore or there'd be a lot a lot more echoey if I was in a cave wouldn't they I mean at the moment I can make a session and I can I can pretty much fart and get away with it without you hearing it but if I was in a in a cave it'd be very hard to hide farts in a

cave maybe that should be my title of my life story the book of my life it's very hard to hide farts in a cave that could be uh the title but it's okay I mean I don't I don't set out to talk about farting by the way just in case you think every conversation leads back to farts it doesn't but in a way isn't really that the birth of humanity in a sense farts it's like the it's just one of the first things I imagine it's one of the first things we do as a baby's

fart and as we get older we also fart you know and we fart throughout I think the only difference is is once you realize what farts are we can laugh at them but then you know when we're babies we don't realize we're fine and I think maybe in all the older age we might not hear it you know because maybe our hearing isn't as good as it used to be and maybe we can't smell as well as we used to and that's just natural to you know my eyesight oh not that you know I can't

really see my my farts I'm not talking about farts anymore but you know my eyesight is definitely reduced somewhat so if I'm watching television and sometimes I just I can't see the subtitles very well and I'll just have to ask Andre to to read it to me I say Andre except read it because sometimes not all it's not like I'm going to be watching a film a foreign film with subtitles because I can't really do the whole two hours of reading off a television because it's a bit too much so but some films do have

subtitles don't they in there you know I just find it easier to watch a film that's in my own language although saying that some of the best films I've seen have been or the most meaningful films that I've seen have been films that made with French, Spanish, German, all different languages and there's something about um it seems to be more more thought gone into it it's not just all about action all about it's about the verbal about the the conversations but real conversations not not um not like Tarantino conversations that are not realistic you know

because no one really talks the way well I've never met anyone that talked the way that the Tarantino films talk it's uh it's kind of made up kind of made up dialogue and but then that's probably what they call it a script don't they it is made up isn't it but there was this one film it was a French film I think pretty sure it was and it was 1990 what year would this be 1994 pretty sure it was 1994 so I had a girlfriend at the time yep I did actually have a girlfriend and

I can't remember what I was wearing but she was wearing a white dressing gown I have no idea why I remember that but she she'd had a bath and she was wearing a white dressing gown and we were just sitting on a settee so maybe I still had my jeans on because I didn't live there so she lived there so she had access to a dressing gown but I didn't have a dressing gown because I was just visiting I'm not even sure I'm not even sure if I had a dressing gown at my own home

at that time because I was living in London and I was visiting this place this little town which is about 100 miles away from where I lived to be with my girlfriend and I'd go and see her at weekends and stuff like that sometimes but I didn't have a dressing gown and I'm not even sure if I had one but I suppose I mean she had a nice house and it was you know it's much more comfortable than my little room that I was renting so it's more she had a so here I kind of

made up for it but I've got two dressing gowns but they're not white they're blue they're both kind of the same not the same color they are the same color pretty much identical but I quite like to get a I think they're a little bit tight for me it's not that I'm big and muscular I mean of course I am but it's not just that it's it's um I feel a little bit restricted with them I'd like to have have something nice and loose something sits a bit looser around the shoulders so maybe I need

to get a bigger size just so that I can relax a little bit more because it's I quite like wearing a dressing gown in the evening you know regardless of the weather I mean it shouldn't really make any difference what the weather's like because I'm indoors I don't it's not like I'm sitting here on my chair with my feet around and dangling out the windows it's you know I don't do that anymore neighbors complained so I just had this kind of I used to you know years ago I say years ago but it was years

so it's relevant but you know you know when someone says years ago do some what goes through your mind do you think five years or 10 years or 20 years or always two years acceptable or do you feel that maybe if it's two years the person should say two years ago and not use the term years ago I don't know what do you reckon anyway back in so I moved into my home in April three years ago and I got very very lucky to have this place I've got my own flat it's council it's a

home for life really providing I pay the rent and you know keep up my end of the the deal and I'm very very lucky and I don't always I don't always appreciate it I'll be honest and because I'm a human being and I don't always I don't always walk around full of gratitude and I'd like to have more of that to have more of a sense of gratitude for what I do have instead of moaning or instead of complaining you know so I am I am very fortunate so I moved in here it was kind

of I think it was the April I think it I think it was just after Easter that I moved in here and I had a new carpet put down there was no carpet when I moved in here it was just a bare floor concrete concrete floor and there was paint everywhere and I remember the first time I actually came in here because before I lived in here before I moved into this this flat I had lived in I think I must have moved about 45 times since I left school I think it might be more

than that but I've tried to every now and then I try and count them but I've also had many many many many jobs probably over 40 40 or 50 full-time jobs as well so I've not you know it's been a interesting well not interesting but a challenging possibly kind of lifestyle that I've had at times and not very secure and very stable at times so but anyway I moved out of this place I had this little room it's very damp and I managed to get this place moved in here and it was pretty much just

a shell that it was I don't mean literally a shell I didn't say oh there you go there's a shell I found on the beach would you like to live there you know that's just being silly it was this is actually it's a it's a flat it's a or you might call it an apartment I don't it depends and I've got a friend Sebastian who lives in Germany he's I don't know if they call them apartments or but he's like social house social housing they call this although we call them council flats it is still

social housing and as far as I'm aware social housing is it's pretty in most countries isn't it social housing I might be wrong let me know if I'm wrong as if you're still listening and so I moved I came and had a look and I went online and did a google search google maps to see where this flat was and it was a little it's quite a long way away from where I used to live quite a long way away from I think it's about 10 miles something like that from the town so it's it's

not easy to to walk to town is probably about three hours two and a half hours three hours walk so it's a long long long walk and I wasn't sure whether it was a good idea to to live so far out in you know away from everything but at the same time because I waited so long and because I was really nervous you know I was really concerned about whether if I turned the flat down would I get a chance you know would I get offered another one so I kind of felt that I needed

to take it anyway I was seeing the flat on the Tuesday it was a bank holiday on the Monday so I saw the flat on the Tuesday I came here on the Saturday and the Sunday so I came here in fact I think it was now I came here the Friday Friday evening and I came back on Saturday that's it just to look at the place I just wanted to come and check out the area see what it was like seeing come in the evening as well to see if it if it was quiet a

quiet area so I came into the flat so I knocked on a couple of doors just to try and speak to the neighbours to ask them if it was an okay place if it was a nice place to live but no one answered the doors so I didn't and I did it again on the Saturday came back at least by this time I ended up having to walk home on the Friday because there was no buses so I found out that the buses kind of stopped fairly early in the evening which isn't isn't the best

and then a Saturday afternoon I came back again and it was light and I again knocked on the doors but I got to see what it was like during the day and again there was no answer from anybody's doors so I got more of a sense of what it was like and also I had I made sure that I knew where it was so that come the morning because a Tuesday appointment was early in the morning it was about five past nine or something in the morning so it gave me the opportunity to make sure

that I knew where it was make sure that I wasn't late I think I still was late but by a couple of minutes I think I was waiting outside and I thought yeah I didn't know whether they were going to come down or anything like that anyway so I came I went upstairs I went into the building and the first thing I noticed is when I when the person there's a lady and she showed showed me in so she she turned the key and opened the door and there was it was quite dark and in

the hallway but because there was no curtains on any of the windows there was light coming in so it's there was you know there was enough light and also that so I could kind of see around but I didn't realize how big it was inside it was so I opened the door opened the front door I followed her because she came in first and the first thing she did was show me the um like a storage room and the storage room itself was nearly as big as the room that I was living in before moving

here it was it was the wrong shape I don't mean that in a prejudiced way it just it it was more like a an L an L you know sort of turn a turny kind of shape not turnip turny kind of you know it's like like a corner and then turn right and then you carry on walking so it's that kind of shape but I was surprised that the I couldn't see greatly in there because there was no light in in there I discovered there was no electricity at all in available in you know it

was cut off there was no electricity in the um flat at all but I was surprised at how big it was how big the that room was considering it wasn't even one of the rooms and then we walked down and there was no I noticed there was no there was no carpet so it's quite echoey in the hallway and the wall seemed okay there wasn't really much in a way of there wasn't really any marks as much you know it was fairly clean and I could see the kitchen ahead of me it was at the

end of the hallway so but as I walked in on the left there was the bedroom and it was a nice size and I think rooms look bigger when there's nothing in them as well so it's kind of hard to well for me I found that I didn't find it I found it a bit trying to visualize my bed in that room what it would look like how much space it would take you know but outside of the bed I didn't really have much in the way of furniture really I had a this tabley thing

I don't know what I think I got rid of it actually a chair basically so when I moved in here I had a chair I had a bed and a small television that that's it that's pretty much was my entire you know apart from some books a few books and some clothes that's kind of pretty much all I had and a little laptop which was okay it was working okay for the first year or so and then so I was trying to visualize what the flat would look like with these things in it and so

it was kind of weird but you know I didn't when I first moved in I then realized that I wanted to have a double bed because having a single bed is was is all I could ever have had in the room before a double bed wouldn't have if I'd have had a double bed in my other room that I was renting before moving here I would have had to sleep sideways so I would have had to strut myself in and you know put basically sleep against the wall if that makes sense sideways because it wasn't

enough room on the floor to fit a double bed it was I could touch either side I could touch either side of the walls when I was in bed so just gives you an idea how and I haven't got I haven't got basketball arms I don't know how long they're just general size you know they're not I wouldn't win any awards with the length of or any part of my body but not my arms I wouldn't win win any awards I wouldn't be able to start some kind of career with my with my length of

my arms so I remember looking and seeing the bedroom and thinking like oh and even did the paint I mean the floorboards the floorboards the the concrete on the floor there was there was paint on there from where well who knows how many years worth of paintings been done over the years you know this this flat's been here probably it's probably a flat's probably older than me it's probably been here for longer than I have which is cool and it will be with me for the rest of my life I'll try and keep it and

look after it it would be nice if I lived near a beach I quite like to I'd like to live somewhere nice but when I think of living somewhere nice I don't think of living in a nicer home because I'm happy you know as far as it goes this suits me there's everything I need in this place it would just be nice to live somewhere I'll give you an idea what it's like I was just walking up to the bus with my friend we were just going to go to the shops and we saw a

woman walking walking down the road and we were both surprised so it gives you an idea the kind of area that I live in is to see a female adult walking past it just doesn't rarely see people it's just not a very um public place you get some people you know that live here of course but it's not it's not somewhere that you walk through isn't you know don't have any kebab shops or hairdressers if I wanted to buy Maltesers I'd need to go to the garage that's the closest place and they're just expensive they're

not you know you can't get cheap Maltesers you can't get a box for a pound like you know in the pound shop or in Iceland that's a shop by the way that's uh in case you didn't know I do talk about Iceland a little bit sometimes and just to let you know in case you don't realize because I'm very aware that I've got people from all over the world listening to me so Iceland is a it's a shop it's a store that sells frozen food not just frozen food but that's what it's basically predominantly frozen

food so you go in there and there's loads of freezers and they pretty much sell anything you can think of really pizzas and potatoes vegetables and what other things do they sell I was trying to think before going to the Iceland in my local shop my local Iceland store I first go in on the left-hand side there's some bread I always seem to have bread in this don't get I'm not I'm not complaining but I'm just I think if you've got it whether you've got a basket or if you're you know using a trolley bread

is pretty much the last item you want to be put in in your trolley or your basket not the first item because it's it's squashy isn't it it's squashy and it can get squashed but that's always seems to be at the door as if go and put it in first and I think there's some eggs there as well again eggs they need to go on top so I've got some bread and put some eggs underneath and put some tins of beans on top no I didn't really I so as you go in there's a bread

on the left on the right hand side trying to think what's on the right hand side um not sardines but I think there are sardines but this because you've got freezers right from the start so is it the first aisle as you walk down this freezes both sides but above the freezers there's shelves and on those shelves there are items of food that you can buy so some of the stuff could be let's say tomato ketchup and I do like Heinz tomato ketchup although I don't eat it as much as once I did just yeah

I don't not that worried about it anymore not that it was ever like a major deal it wasn't a case of you know I refused to eat my food unless I had tomato ketchup smothered all over it it wasn't that much of a an issue but I did like it I still do like it especially on you know something like a barbecue not that I really have barbecues very often but I do like to have it but I just haven't had any for a couple of weeks really I like salad cream as well but mayonnaise

that's a no-no that's mayonnaise that's that's to me it's like it's like swapping underpants with someone that's just run a marathon you know I just don't want to do it I don't want I don't want to have mayonnaise I don't just don't like it very much it feels feels uncomfortable just not interested in it don't don't really not not in love with mayonnaise at all but the components of mayonnaise I like when they're separate like eggs cheese spinach and beef fish radishes I don't know what I'll do I can't remember what what's put what makes

mayonnaise but I like the the individual the individual components but when it's mixed together I'm not I'm not so into it oh I've got an itchy back Andre is in the kitchen doing his uh I don't know I'm thinking of writing a novel about him some kind of romantic novel you know how the how he met my slipper how he wooed my slipper and maybe wrote poetry sonnets and declared his love to my slipper maybe you know talking about the first date and yeah their adventures of love and happiness or I might just carry on

talking about mayonnaise but salad cream is nice there's something about salad cream that I really really like it's and I don't have it hardly ever really the only time I really ever have salad cream is if I'm in a pub I'm having some food like maybe chips or chips and another item of food which is also served on the same plate but it could you know whatever it might be and depending on the situation of course and what I've ordered and what that particular establishment serves you know depends on what's on the menu but if

there's sachets of salad cream that's what I get I get salad cream I get tomato ketchup I get vinegar and I probably don't bother with salt that's one thing I've not never really been that worried about salt I think we we've got salt in so much of our foods anyway I've never really been an additional salt adder it's not really been part of my complex behavior salt is just doesn't not something I really think about if I've got a bowl of chips or plate of chips I say that because some people some places will serve

chips in a bowl some will serve them on a plate some places and I don't I can't understand why some places will serve them on a piece of wood like a flat piece of wood it would need to be flat wouldn't it really if it was all jagged and you know lopsided things would fall off and it wouldn't really work I suppose but I've never really done why it's like it's like a little bread a bread slicer thing you know that you put the bread on and what do they call it oh yeah bread board

so I think bread boards are fine for bread and I don't I don't want to be prejudiced against you know other types of things that maybe can be sliced or prepared you know I do understand that not everything is bread there are other things apparently so maybe you know I focus too much on the on the the bread aspect of of the slicing and the board which is called a bread board but I just I don't don't feel that that's necessarily the right thing to serve food upon and I don't I don't mean to disrupt

anyone's lifestyle at all you know I'm I'm pretty easy going with most things and and I understand this it's all it's all down to personal preference isn't it and when I got into the bit further up I left the bedroom went into the the living room as I got in there I thought to myself I wonder whether I should have finished that conversation about bread boards and salad cream as like abruptly as I did maybe I should have like wound it down a little bit before just going back to talking about the flat and the

living room but it's just I don't know I felt a bit like a bit like planning a wedding I kind of got so involved in it that I wasn't sure how to escape so yeah I just um had to sort of move on to something more interesting and get back to reality and enjoyment so I'm back yeah so I'm in the flat looking around the living room the living room's bigger it's bigger than the the bedroom what struck me but didn't strike me but what what I noticed really two things I noticed there might have

been more than two things but two things that I um well kind of two things I'm noticing now as I'm looking at them but two of the things I noticed first of all is how big the windows were and how much light was coming in so the the windows are pretty big there wasn't any curtains or anything like that in them or on them another thing I noticed was the size of the radiators because the size of the radiators were the length of the window in both the living room and the the lounge and the

bedroom never really know what the difference is between a living room and a lounge something about the living room so it's roomy living the lounge is that roomy lounge about in well this is probably a bit of both I do do a bit of lounging I'm kind of lounging about here but you could say this is my recording room because that's where I do my recording where I talk it's my talking room it's my watching television room it's my eating room that's where I eat it's where I work on the internet it's room so it's

it's kind of everything the only thing I really do in my bedroom is sleep which is a kind of sad admission to be fair but you know but it's it's a sleeping room I don't I don't spend any time in there doing anything else apart from sometimes I'll I'll play with Andre and we'll jump on the bed and you know we'll play hide and seek and stuff like that and he'll destroy some of my clothing but he does that anyway it's not really relevant to the bedroom there's not really much in there there's a wardrobe

and there's a set of drawers which has you know I think three or four drawers and that's where I keep you know some clothes and stuff like that there's not much really happens in there I do wonder if I ever in the future manage to get myself a lovely lady that thinks that I'm just superb thinks that I'm just like very very very lovely and maybe I think that she's rather nice as well and perhaps eventually we decided to um I don't know what the right word is but you know live together in in the

same space share the same oxygen you know the same live in the same accommodation and I suppose the bedroom would then be used a bit more you know for getting ready and maybe I need to redecorate it and put some nice bedroom furniture in there but I do have a double bed it's nice I like my double bed but I don't think I wouldn't wouldn't want to go back to having a single bed again I like being able to just spread just you know spread my arms out and my legs out and to do that

without hitting a wall it's nice it's nice to do that without hitting a wall or falling out onto the floor it's nice you know and then I went into the kitchen well actually I went into the bathroom first and the bathroom's not big but it's probably bigger than the other bathroom that I had before but that was a shower so it was quite a big room but it just had a shower in it but if it had a bath then it would have been it would have made the room a lot smaller so this you

know I've got a bath and a toilet and a sink and there's quite a bit covered in there which used to be the airing cupboard I do believe so there's a bunch of shelves and you know quite a lot of room in there to put stuff in there so that was that was okay it was a nice enough bed you know bathroom and the kitchen went in there so there was no there was no um what's it something you cook on cooking cooker there was no cooker and there was no you know I didn't really

have much in there there was a boiler because that comes with a flat and there was windows and there was kitchen cabinets so what was that one two one two two on the wall and then one two three underneath but really just one that I used underneath the other two a bit yeah one's under the sink so that's not really a proper cupboard can't really don't feel like I'm putting anything under there although I do so I suppose that's but nothing I don't go in there regularly and the other one to the left I don't

again I keep a few bits under there but not much and then there was a gap where the cooker needed to be and there was a gap underneath the the kitchen not table but you know the top of the kitchen where you can prepare food and stuff like that there was a gap where the fridge could be the thing is I didn't want what I was going to when I first before you know I got in there I decided to take the flat admittedly the the lady said that I could choose now or I can

choose I can let her know at 1 30 in the afternoon that was the two choices I had and then she had a phone call and she said that that's the person outside was waiting to see the flat so someone else there's a bunch of people were going to also come and see the flat so I just said um I'll take it and I did I took it so I got myself um what did I get I bought a cooker a fridge and a washing machine all in one go which pays quite a lot of

money and I had the more delivered and I got the washing machine connected but I didn't um my dad connected the cooker and the fridge was just the closer just plugging it in but the fridge was too small which I wasn't really it's it's like going back to what I already had I already had a tiny little fridge with a tiny little um compartment for the freezer so what I thought is I need another one I need something a bit bigger but luckily my dad had a freezer for me to offer me so he he

brought a freezer around so I put the freezer underneath and the fridge on top of the cabinet on top of the you know the the kitchen table bit so I had basically a fridge freezer but they were broken up into two different things and then probably about a year ago I got myself another freezer as well separate because it's it just gives me a lot more space to put frozen stuff in and that's it really that's when I first moved in there was no um there's no electricity there's no gas so I had to get

the electricity changed over because there was a debt to the person that lived here before so I had to have someone come in and fix that the same with the gas same with the water I had to do all this stuff so I didn't have any electrical gas for a week so I couldn't start really I could do stuff painting and that during the day but it's you know come the evening that I couldn't see anything it was dark you know but eventually it all came together and probably a couple of weeks after I moved

in two or three weeks I got the carpet so that was nice had the carpet in the whole place it looked really good with the carpet so that was probably in June May May time probably I got the carpet and then in September I got Andre and he absolutely ruined the carpet also a neighbor gave me a settee and Andre absolutely ruined the settee as well ruined it absolutely completely he loved that settee I should have kept it really just for him to play in because he loved it so much anyway that's the end of

that story it's not the end it's kind of the beginning in some ways but as I was talking about the dressing gown I always remember sitting here on an evening at probably November time watching television and Andre who was I'd had him for maybe a month or two and he'd been he was hard work you know he wasn't very affectionate to me or anything for quite a while I was constantly picking him up and he was trying to get away from me and he'd play with me and stuff but he just wasn't very affectionate and

then on this occasion he's tiny still and he climbed up my leg and he climbed up the sleeve of my dressing gown and just went to sleep and he was asleep there for hours and I was carrying him around going and sort of trying to go to the toilet going into the kitchen still trying to keep him in the sleeve because I was so happy that it decided to just cuddle up with me and from then onwards he's he did it every day after that doesn't do it anymore now but he's way too big to

fit up the sleeves but he was tiny and that was a it felt for me quite a bonding experience showed that he trusted me enough for him to just fall asleep you know in a situation like that just inside my dressing gown sleeve I'm already I already fell in love with him long before that but that I just I fell even more in love with him I think I thought I think I love him more every day it's kind of weird anyway that's me I'm gonna go hope that I bored you completely and I will

speak to you next time my name is Jason Newland my website is jasonnewland.com blah blah blah blah blah I do have a hypnotic buffet android app so check that out in the description if you want to download that I might get an android app for these let me bore you to sleep which might make it a bit easier for people to just listen because there'll be an app and it'll automatically be there but I'll just have to see because it's cost me a hundred dollars to do it anyway thank you for listening and I shall speak to you next time lots of love bye