#29 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (23rd June 2018)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. I think, I think it's number 29 and usually these recordings last for about an hour. So only listen to this or watch this video if you're watching it on YouTube when you can safely close your eyes because it's going to be really, really boring.

And that's it really. I'm just going to talk about, I think I'll talk about my day. It's just every day is, seems to become more boring each day as I go, as I get older.

Perhaps I should tell you in depth every single thing that I've done and thought or, or, you know the, um, I'll be working on the descriptions of my sessions because I've got 35 podcasts which is quite a lot and I'm trying to organize everything and make it more accessible, more, uh, findable on Google and I guess other search engines. But does, does anybody use other search engines? Let me know because the only search engine that I ever use really is Google but there are other search engines. Bing, um, I don't use Bing but that's what comes up if I use Internet Explorer.

So if I'm searching for something and it tries to put me through to, it sort of recommends stuff on Bing. Uh, what else? So I use Google Chrome generally. Uh, I've played around with Firefox in the past and that was partly, is it Firefox? It's partly because I used to watch that program Firefox which was about the, was about a plane, wasn't it? Was it a plane or a helicopter? I forget.

Either way I liked it. Not enough to remember what particular vehicle starred in that television show that I watched for years but, uh, I did like it. I think, I think it was a plane because if I remember correctly, um, Clint Eastwood was in the film as a pilot and then not as the pilot of the TV show but as a pilot, like a literal pilot.

Piloting, you know, plane, driving the plane, planing the pilot, you know, steering. That's all it is, is really steering, isn't it? I mean you can't, well, you can't do much, can you? I suppose once you're in the air, have a cup of tea, cross your fingers, hope for the best. I think, uh, pretty sure that Clint Eastwood was in the film and then they made, or they, whoever they are, the television people, those people in television, they produced a television show called Firefox.

I'm pretty sure, I might, I might be wrong. I'm pretty sure it's true. I don't care enough for it to be right.

I don't really that, I'm not that bothered but I'm pretty sure it's, it's true. And I'm a bit hungry at the moment. Perhaps I should have had something to eat before starting this incredibly boring and tedious recording.

However, I've started and I will continue and then when I've finished, I will proceed to make myself a sandwich of some kind. I'm not sure what but I know that within that sandwich there will be some tomato, probably a whole tomato but sliced. I'm going to slice it into slices.

Probably one, two. What I normally do is I hold the tomato so it's upright, you know, with the little belly button. Facing up.

So the tomato's belly button facing the top and then I slice down the right hand side twice. So you've got the little cap and then you've got a whole slice of tomato. Then I turn it around and I do the same on the other side and then sometimes I'll just continue on the side I'm already on because it doesn't really need to be turned around again but sometimes I will.

Depends if I'm feeling fruity and adventurous and I might turn over and do it again. There's lots of whistling outside. It's a bit loud.

That's the loudest whistle I've heard in ages. A proper whistle whistle and yeah it's about 10 past 12 in the evening so it's a little bit late to be whistling at such a volume but I'm sure there was a reason behind it. Or maybe that person just enjoys whistling and they've lost track of time.

You know, we all kind of live our own lives, don't we? And some people perhaps like to whistle at night. I don't know. I don't know what the answer is to that.

Unless maybe one of the neighbours, their dog was outside doing a wee and they whistled for the dog to come in and perhaps yeah maybe you know normally they call the dog in like verbally. Hey Paul come in or whatever the name of the dog is but perhaps they thought oh why not try a whistle give it a go. I mean the person might not have even realised whether they were able to whistle.

Maybe it's been a lifelong ambition but they're always a little bit they're not sure a little bit uncertain as to whether the the whistle that they produced would be satisfactory to them. So they thought they'd maybe test it out tonight not realising that they actually have a really really strong and sturdy whistle. So it was a good volume very yeah for a very energetic whistle.

It's very you know very muscular whistle you could say. Not that it's distracted me at all of course. So back to the tomatoes.

So I normally get what one two. I don't know would you class the a small bit of tomato as a slice even though it's not really a full slice it's just more of a like a little lid. You know I imagine if you had trying to think you know if you had a some kind of jewellery box made out of vegetables you can imagine the tomato bit just being like the little lid that goes on the top or maybe a jack-in-the-box.

Remember the jack-in-the-boxes? But then the tomato piece is not very strong. I don't think you would be able to hold in a jack-in-the-box you know with the spring and I'm not sure I mean the tomato piece would just go flying. Couldn't really reuse it and I don't know how long it would last as well because tomatoes do have a tendency of you know wearing out going rusty or off or whatever you want to call it you know it's it's fresh food isn't it doesn't last forever.

So for the sake of it I think I'll probably just class it as a slice so one two three four. I imagine I can get another two slices so that would be six slices of tomato which is pretty good going really. Six slices of tomato and you know I've got a tendency of just having one sandwich like two slices of bread and a filling.

Sometimes I will have four slices of bread and a filling you know in each one. Other times I'll have one you know two slices of bread with a filling and then I'll have one slice of bread maybe with some jam on top just it's like a little sweet treat.

Yeah I quite like jam and if you don't know what jam is it's uh I think it's called different things in different places but it's uh fruit and not refuge that's rubbish isn't it ref ref refuse rather it's not it's um it's I don't know it's not so much pickle but it's fruit and with sugar and it's put inside a jar and it's left for weeks and months and you know for long periods of time and then it's yummy depending of course on the type of jam and you know I don't know if it's was

it called fruit spread or fruit condom not condoms condiment fruit cordial no that's a drink isn't it fruit something it's it's got different names I think in America I think it's got a different title in England we call it jam and I quite like lemon turd not turd curd lemon curd I don't know if you have it where you are it's it's lemon and it's quite thick and sticky it's really really tasty I haven't had any for a long time it's kind of got the same texture as it's quite thick honey yeah I would say

maybe a bit thicker than honey not not runny honey it's runny honey is it's not very thick at all is it it's runny I do like honey I do like runny honey thing is what I find with honey is it's it's very sticky it was ever so sticky and it just seems to get everywhere you know I mean there's been times when I've you know I've put my socks on and my feet are sticky like how did well how did that how did honey get inside my socks you know how did how why would there

be sticky stuff in my socks it's just weird but yeah it doesn't happen that often and um oh wait a minute yeah oh I didn't think about that never mind moving on so I might have a sandwich later but I've been thinking about these recordings I do and the point of them and the point of them is just for me to just talk and for you to just relax and there's a benefit in relaxing even you know regardless whether it leads to you just drifting off out of boredom into a comfortable sense of relaxation and

sleep now it doesn't really matter about the results as such because Andre's decided to go to the toilet in the corner of the room and as usual he always seems to want to become active whenever I make a recording even though he's been asleep for the last few hours you can hear him in the background I know he's gone gone off somewhere maybe he's gone to find his my slipper his little girlfriend or maybe he's gonna be naughty there's no way of knowing really what he does he just does whatever he wants to do but

he's gone back into his bag so he's he's gone back to sleep he does like to sleep you know Andre's never more than probably 30 seconds from being fast asleep sometimes I can just hold him and he'll be awake and I just look into his eyes his whole body starts to just fall down one side and his eyes close and he just falls into a deep sleep so easily he does that as well when I'm talking to him sometimes I just like to hold him and just talk to him just say Andre I love you

and you're so wonderful and I love you more today than I did yesterday by that I don't mean I didn't love you yesterday because I did but I just love you more every day and sometimes he'll he'll stop stop licking himself and look up at me as if to say oh daddy I love you too but I'm gonna continue to lick myself because that's what I do and I'll say well yeah but you can continue to do that if you want but there's more to you than that I say to him Andre there's so much

more to you than just those natural impulses and he says to me yeah but dad I just want to lick myself and I said I know you do I know and that's fine I'm just saying that you have more options you know there's more there's so many opportunities for you more than there was ever for me when I was your age and he said well wait a second dad how can you compare me and you you're a human being you you know you could do all kinds of things when you were my age and I

said yeah but Andre you're not even three years old yet you know you get to go out you get to have the run of the place you know you don't have a bedtime you can pretty much do what you want I had to be in bed by like five o'clock in the evening afternoon time you know I was still having my nappy changed I couldn't I didn't feed myself although I might have done it's really it's hard to remember isn't it I really don't remember as far back as three when you think what am I

now I'm nearly I'm 47 now so three years old that would mean 44 yeah 44 years ago I don't remember the ins and outs of my daily feeding routine back then I've no doubt I possibly had some kind of routine but it wasn't a routine that I planned for myself you know I didn't didn't have a diary I didn't have appointments that I was organizing for myself and also I didn't have a receptionist or PA either I'm not saying that Andre has a PA because he doesn't although sometimes I feel that I am his personal

assistant constantly he just clearing up after him and he said to me he says to me sometimes daddy I said yes Andre he said why do you talk so much rubbish and I said what do you mean he said well sometimes it seems as if you just talk for the sake of talking I said that's a little bit rude really mate you know he said why are you calling me mate I mean I'm your son Andre's fine or son but not mate I'm not your mate I said okay Andre sorry didn't mean to upset you

he said well you don't upset me but I do find you know it does jar me a little bit so what do you mean jar he said we jar you know as in like jar of jam I said oh wow that gets us back to the uh gets us back to talking about jam again and Andre said no I don't want to hear any more about jam and I said I said to Andre why why why you know what have you got against jam and Andre he climbed onto the table he took off his gloves

took off his hat and he said he leaned on his walking stick and he said daddy I don't have any problem with jam I have no problem with honey whether it's stick whether it's runny I said you mean runny honey he said yes and I know it rhymes I know that you you're pleased with yourself when you say something that rhymes I said I'm not always pleased with myself and Andre said well when are you gonna sort that chair out it's really squeaky it even squeaks when you breathe and sigh and I said look I'm

thinking about maybe using some polish you know furniture polish because that might help because it can be quite good with squeaky doors the hinges on doors so maybe it will work with the chair and he said that's that's a good idea that's uh that's uh that's a really really good idea dad I said to him you know what Andre he said what's that I said you know what I just noticed no what have you noticed I said sometimes you call me dad and sometimes you call me daddy and Andre said yeah and I said well

nothing I just just noticed it so why why mention it then I said because I'm doing a boring recording where I'm just talking about nothing and it kind of fits in with this imaginary conversation I'm having with a ferret that can't talk and he said what are you talking about can't talk I'm talking now I said yeah but you're not real are you he said yeah I am real I definitely know if you think I'm not real go and have a look in the corner of the room see what I've just done on the paper

that's real and I thought yeah I know you're real you know Andre the ferret exists you know you live with me you're my boy I know that but this conversation isn't real is it and he said well if it's not real well why are we having it I said I don't know I'm confused now and Andre said well that's the thing daddy daddykins is do you think maybe you're thinking too much into it I said well thinking it's too much into what he said well he said it's a made-up story okay he said that you

know you accept that clearly I exist because I am a ferret and my name is Andre and you know sometimes I will crawl all over you when you're making a recording I like to disturb you when you're trying to concentrate and I said yeah I didn't say that but you just added it he said yeah I know I know I was here when I said it I heard myself and I said okay you're being a little bit rude now aren't you he said no I've not even started I said what do you mean you haven't

started I said you know what's going to happen if you continue doing this and he said what daddy what are you going to do if I can continue being rude you can put me back send me back to the naughty step and I just didn't know what to say I was I was kind of surprised but at the same time I was envious a little bit envious of how quick he is sometimes with his comebacks considering he can't actually talk so it's not only jam and lemon curd and honey that I like what else oh

I'll tell you I wouldn't bother or something not bother or marmite is something that I don't eat and peanut butter is something that I don't really I don't mind the smell of peanut butter but it's I don't know just whenever I've got just it just looks wrong I think food is supposed to look different when it goes into your body than how it looks when it leaves your body and I think it should look the same both both ways which peanut butter does a bit so yeah I'm not yeah I've never tried it with banana

never tried the whole you know peanut butter and banana toasted sandwiches I've got a friend who loves them I say loves I mean he likes them I don't think he's he's ever written poetry about them but he does like peanut butter and banana toasted sandwiches but when he has it I don't think he puts butter or margarine on the toast so I think what he does is he he grills the toast first or toasts the toast then he puts the peanut butter on one slice then he puts the I think he has the banana sliced

long ways as opposed to little little slices sort of similar to what I would do with maybe a tomato but of course with a banana you get a lot more slices wouldn't you because they're quite long although that would depend I suppose upon the thickness of the individual slices of that banana but yeah I used I think he'd have it long ways and then he'd put the two slices of toast together and I'm pretty sure he used to then cut the toast into four pieces and from corner to corner so it's like three or like

four triangles and I think he'd have a cup of tea as well but it would be an earl grey earl grey tea with honey so no sugar but earl grey tea with honey but I think he used to like to leave the tea bag in the water for probably four four minutes sometimes maybe four and a half minutes and then and only after he's taken the tea bag out and pressed the tea bag with a little spoon to make sure that you know the tea was as much of the tea was extracted from the tea

bag as possible then he would add some honey but the honey that he had he never used to I think the kind of honey he liked was the liquid honey you know he didn't didn't go for the thick honey because it looked like some kind of oil disaster so he didn't didn't do that um so he'd have a nice wet liquid honey not too much but enough to mix nicely with the earl tea or earl grey tea I never really understood why it's called earl grey because the tea's not really grey I don't feel maybe

it is it's more like yellowy rather than grey I suppose earl yellow maybe it's not quite as uh catchy I tried earl grey tea because I thought it was going to be healthy I thought it's a nice healthy tea and it was a little bit too flowery for me now I don't drink tea hardly ever now but when I did I used to like it quite strong a couple of sugars some milk but not enough milk to dampen the strength of the tea just enough to make it sweeter and a bit cooler you know so

it's a nice light brown sort of color is light brown the right reddish isn't it really tea light brown I don't mind cocoa as well although I haven't had any cocoa for absolutely years and years a long time in fact I think the last time I had cocoa was out of a machine that sold you know various different drinks yeah so I think the last time I had cocoa because I've used coffee machines over the years the last time was probably about 2000 maybe 12 2013 but since that time I haven't really used a coffee

machine not even for a coffee coffee yeah I don't recall it doesn't mean it hasn't happened but ah maybe I have because I did visit a friend in hospital and this was beginning of last year I think I got a cup of coffee or tea from the machine and part of that reason is because well I find that when I go and visit someone it's okay for the first maybe three or four minutes but then you know what what is there to do you can't can't take a kite to fly you know you can't can't

take a wheelbarrow with you you know certain things you can't take into the ward can't take a television or mobile disco you know it's just very they're quite limited places I suppose this limited room and if you see if everyone if everyone took a pony with them on visiting hours that the place would probably get quite quite busy I imagine I don't think it should stop people maybe a couple of people taking ponies along I suppose if they have rules don't they I think it's in the visiting rules nowhere did it say no ponies allowed

nowhere did it say please don't leave your bicycle near the operating theatre there's no you know they tell you after the event but it's no there's no rules it's good to know that stuff beforehand you know but um another thing that there's no there's no rules but they say please don't empty you know a big bag of marbles onto the floor because it might cause people to slip nowhere does it say that it's really hard to know what the rules are and this chair this chair is squeaking I'll have to get my eyes tested because

I haven't got my glasses on and I don't know where they are now I'm joking they they are they're black hands I actually see them and but seeing them is not enough because seeing them doesn't give me any pleasure you know stop but then why why why do we get so caught up in pleasure it's just a feeling isn't it just a just a sensation is pleasure really that important what about just being able to live and have some you know awareness and to enjoy a ferret sneezing in the background just those little moments of

you know happiness yeah it's a bit like you know oh bless you Andre a bit like running out of toilet paper actually it's nothing like running out of toilet paper I don't know why why I mentioned that there's no comparison at all really is there I'll tell you about a weird experience I had I had um this is when I used to do the I assume that you're asleep now anyway so you won't be listening to this I went I used to have this offer this free service where I would do pain relief free so

it was in the local town that I lived at at that time and it built up and it got to the point I was working full time as well so every every Saturday morning I would I rented a room in a therapy center and I would see clients for free and they would come see me and I'd do some uh you know hypnosis to help them to reduce their pain and I just wish I was still doing it really anyway one Saturday morning I just had a McDonald's breakfast on the way to the therapy center

and I've had a few drinks the night before and my stomach decided to um not sure how to put this it you know it kind of decided to take take control over my life for the next 15 minutes so I just you know I went along with it went got into the center therapy center went upstairs went to the toilet and you know just did everything I needed to do and I was thinking about this because I was thinking about you know running out of toilet paper but I didn't run out of toilet paper but

I noticed there's no spray there's no um air freshener and on this occasion the room really needed an air freshener and I thought oh I couldn't open the window because the window wouldn't open so I thought okay so I just you know cleaned up I washed my hands and everything and I opened the door and there was someone waiting to go in there and it was my next client it was the person I was gonna be seeing and she hadn't met me yet and I was embarrassed because it's just when I opened the door just

the expression on her face was um I mean she you know I know she was coming to see me because she was in pain but she really really looked like she was in pain you know but it was a different kind of pain that she was experiencing it was really there was the smell it was really you know it was pretty pretty pretty terrible but there's nothing I could do and I just I didn't realize that she was my next client and I just shuffled along and went into the therapy room and just hid there

for 10 minutes and then I came downstairs to collect my client and it was that same lady and I don't know there's something about therapy even hypnosis for helping with things like chronic you know physical issues and stuff even though it's personal I just I don't think that any any person meeting a therapist should it's good to get to know your therapist and stuff like that it's good to be open with the clients and patients but I don't think necessarily either a client or a patient needs to have smelled the insides you know the therapist's

the inside of the therapist's body before you know hypnosis has taken place it's you know it's a little bit personal and I always remember that I don't know it was just one of those embarrassing moments another one is I was in this it's in a clothes shop and there was no one around absolutely nobody around and I let off like a really really big fart I thought it was safe I thought the the coast was clear there was you know there's no point holding it in and I turn I turn a corner and there's someone

just looking at me I don't think it was so much the smell but it was the sound the very echoey vibratory kind of sound it was it definitely it shook the windows a little bit you know and her glasses then there was another time and I was waiting in a this cafe it's a very small cafe and for those of you that maybe don't know what a cafe is it's like a not a dirty spoon what do they call it a sticky spoon um a greasy spoon so a place where you can buy fried breakfasts

and all I was doing is I was going to get I think I was working and I was on my lunch break and this place was around the corner so I just went to buy a fried egg sandwich and I was just queuing up there was two people ahead of me and this is a very small very small cafe or cafe and there's probably maybe five tables in there and it was full people were you know eating and I let off a silent one because you know I was able to control the the volume and

it was absolutely silent and I thought I got away with that and you know because I didn't want to disturb people when they're eating you know but you know that a few seconds afterwards it was like a stink bomb it was it was really it was it was so bad you couldn't actually see each other you know it's like the remember the movie the fog or the mist it was like that it was really really really awful and uh I started laughing and I was trying to stop myself from laughing because I didn't want to

admit and let anyone know it's me but I couldn't stop and the more I tried to stop myself from laughing the harder it was and the more I laughed the other people in the queue looking at me and I couldn't help it I was just it was it's just funny it was it was awful and funny at the same time it was um you know it's like seeing a a small child fall off a trampoline you know it's it's funny but at the same time he's all well make sure the child's okay but we're seeing

someone sitting at a table eating and the chair just collapses underneath them I saw that I had a friend who did that and it was just hilarious but at the same time are you okay um you know and sorry for sawing through the legs of your chair you know that kind of thing just making sure these are all right but creaky I need to saw this chair out maybe I need to get a new chair I've been doing some weights I've been um I got this little routine with these dumbbells and I don't like the

routine anymore so I started doing a different routine just sticking to one exercise at a time but doing it until it hurts you know until the proper burns so whether it's curled whether it's um lifting above my shoulders whatever and it's quite it's actually working it's quite good it feels much better than what I was doing before so it's just concentrating on one one muscle group at a time so it's quite groovy really quite like it I think I shall continue because it's like a little bit easier I know I figured something out the other

day I think the reason why a lot of young people say like when they're talking is because they watch videos on the internet and news bulletins things like that and there's no gaps anymore in talking you know every single word comes next you know after a fraction of a second and there's no gaps like no natural gaps like there is with me there's too many gaps but that's what I do I talk slowly you know just go on and on and that's a lot of to put people under to to feel that maybe they need

to talk like that in real life not realizing that actually most of those things that they're watching have been edited to knock out the gaps you know to cut it down to a smaller file and a shorter video or audio or if it's an advert they make sure that there's hardly any gaps because the advertisers have to pay a lot of money so the shorter the advert the more they can get in in a shorter time the the more it's worth to the advertiser so maybe that's why the younger generation are using the word like

because they're filling in that gap because they feel they have to fill the gap in and feel like maybe they're not allowed to have a gap so I think we need to as a society and to start embracing the gap start welcoming the gap it's all right to have a pause you don't have to talk really really fast all the time lucky for me because I don't and I don't ever intend to and I know that the way that I talk not just in these boring monologue thingies I do but just generally in any of

my sessions that I record I talk quite slowly and that is how I talk generally and I don't feel any pressure to fill in gaps at all so maybe it's time that we took the pressure off the younger generation let them enjoy themselves more by embracing those pauses and those gaps and just taking things taking things a bit slower that's just a suggestion just an idea as if you know there's anybody still listening so I'm gonna go I'm gonna have a sandwich and I will upload this I have to edit it get the volume so

it's a bit louder then upload it to SoundCloud, Spreaker, Anchor I'll put it onto my website embed it into jasonnewland.com and then upload it and share it on Facebook and Twitter and various different places so while I'm processing it because that normally takes about 20 minutes for it to process before I could do anything I shall get myself something to eat I'll leave you with Andre doing it I don't know what he's doing he's just running around sniffing something on the paper I don't know what he's doing it seems to be full of energy for some reason anyway I'm gonna go thank you for listening if you're still awake why are you still awake why

haven't I bored you completely into a deep healing sleep so please let me know what you think of these things I do I will be making more recordings and just to remind you you can download my free app for my it's an android app for my hypnotic buffets and the link is in the description it's also on my website so take care of yourselves speak to you probably tomorrow lots of love and Andre is climbing all over me now bye hello Andre hello you come to see daddy hey you all right mate oh you daddy

kisses oh I love you yes I do yes I do yes I do okay you don't want to talk about jam all right I'm gonna be rude hello hello you're the cutest ferret in the whole wide world yes you are yes you are don't yawn I'm not that boring I've stopped being boring now I'm now I've gone back to being my normal exciting self what do you mean you can't tell the difference Andre stop being so rude want some runny honey I'm gonna get something to eat anyway are we still recording oh bye again bye