#8 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (5th April 2018)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. This, this thing here that we're now doing is called let me bore you to sleep. Only listen or watch this session if you can safely close your eyes. And I use the word watch as well as listen there as you may have noticed.

You may be thinking how can I watch a voice? You know, I'm supposed to be able to see the radio waves in the air. No, no. I also upload these sessions as videos on YouTube.

That's why, that's what I meant. That was a really interesting explanation. So, the point behind these seemingly regular sessions, recordings, talks, whatever you wish to call them, it's just me talking.

And what you'll notice is it's, when you listen to me every day, something starts to happen. And maybe you've already noticed that it happens to you. Experience a sense of tiredness when you hear my voice.

It's as if the feeling that you last had, the sensation of, let's use the word boredom, that you had the last time you listened to me. Maybe it was yesterday the last time you heard my voice, the last time you heard a let me bore you to sleep session. And now it's as if this session is following on, connected to that session.

And in a way for that to happen, it allows you to enjoy the background sounds of what sounds like Bigfoot opening and closing the garden gate. And maybe I'm wrong, but I imagine that in my mind, I imagine Bigfoot or the abdominal snowman or the Easter bunny, whatever you call him, E.T., crocodile Dundee, Gandhi, whatever you call. It's just, I imagine that Bigfoot would be rather clumsy when walking around the garden.

Standing on plant pots. I don't know, just have that in my mind. We actually, one of my neighbors contacted the council and complained that people were walking through from the other part of the estate, the housing estate, through our bit, through our garden.

So the council put up a fence and a gate and the neighbor was in the garden and bragging. I think he felt very proud. I think, I mean, the way he's talking, I think it might have been one of his main accomplishments.

He seemed very pleased. Anyway, he said, oh, that'll, that'll now stop the, all those young men walking through our shared garden. I'm not sure if he, if he did the laugh like that.

But I do recall he looked up into the sky. I was waiting for him to say something else, but nothing else happened. He just looked in the sky and I thought maybe, maybe he can see things that I can't see.

He's got some kind of special powers. It turned out he had a, spoke to his wife and a few months later, because, you know, I like to keep talking about the event because it was such a, such an amazing afternoon. It was very sunny.

Apparently he had a, had an issue with his neck. He was trying to stretch it. Anyway, he said, you, you, you can stop the speaking.

I'm getting a dry mouth impersonating him. I wonder if he has a dry mouth. I wonder if he dribbles when he impersonates me and farts.

Anyway, he said, oh, that fence, that gate, that'll stop, that'll stop people from walking through now. I said, yeah, it will, unless, and he looked at me with a slight degree of confusion. I said, yeah, we'll stop those walking through our garden.

Unless, unless they know how to use a gate handle. If they know how to press down on the handle of the fence gate, they'll be able to open the gate. And he looked at me a little bit like, a little bit like you, someone would look at you if you were in a, a nuclear bunker.

It'd just been a nuclear war and you're down there with all your stocks and you know, you're all prepared. Someone looks at you and says, what do you mean? You didn't pack a tin opener. What are we going to do? Not that someone would be that inclined to do a funny voice, I suppose, when, what would someone do? Someone, if you're on a mountain, if you, if you was in a boat, you were in a dinghy, you know, a life raft and you had enough food to last you for, for as long as you needed.

But unfortunately it was tinned food, all in tins and it was sinking the dinghy. I mean, of course it'd be not ideal if you had no tin opener. But what if you did have a tin opener and you decided, okay, what do you do? Do you chuck the tin overboard or do you open the tin and eat the contents and then chuck in the empty tin overboard? If you forget the environmental guilt that you're supposed to feel when you think of knocking, putting down tins and stuff into the sea, of course we're talking about an emergency situation, not, not a hobby, you know, not just rowing out to the middle of the ocean and just chucking tins, empty tins and into the ocean laughing like a Bond villain.

None of that stuff. So would you eat the contents of the tin knowing that on one side you've eaten, which is what you need to do. But on the other side, the weight of that content, apart from the, the empty tin is now inside you.

That was an example of some of the boring stories that I will be telling over time. You know, whenever I hear the words over time, I start thinking of that Stevie Wonder song, Overjoyed. It was over time I've been building my castle of love just for you.

So you never knew you were my reason. I've gone much too far for you now to say. I forget the rest of it.

I've gone much too far for you now to say. I guess it doesn't really matter. I don't know how much of this you're listening to or how much you just, you know, sometimes wonder, especially for the sleep sessions.

If it wasn't for my intention just to talk and talk and talk and talk. Boring conversation after boring sentence. Then for someone listening to this in a, I don't know, maybe an interested perspective, thinking it was going to be educational.

Imagine how disappointed they'd be. Thinking it was going to be a really invigorating, dramatic audio play. Then that person hears me talking on and on and on and on.

And there are benefits to being as boring as me. Other than it's funny when people just start to glaze over when I'm talking. And because I can talk and talk and talk on and on and on and on.

Because this is my superpower. And I can do this for hours and hours and hours. And there's only four things, five things that could get in the way of this, maybe six.

And let me take you through all six in detail. First of all, if this recording, because I am using a digital pocket studio from Tascam. And I've just realized as I started preparing this recording, it's been 25 minutes ago, wherever, not wherever, whenever.

Wherever was here in my bed. But it was about 25 minutes ago and I realized Andre's been rubbing himself over the surface of the recording studio. I won't go into details, but I think he's been cheating on his girlfriend with my Porter studio.

But with the studio, if it runs out of space, then I wouldn't be able to record going on and on and on. I think there's probably enough space for, I'd say about 90 minutes. I'm not sure.

I've never attempted to go much over an hour. The other thing that could get in the way of me doing a session that just was endless is eating. I suppose I could eat at the same time as recording this, but it would sound like I was eating.

And not everybody enjoys the sound of me eating. For example, I once had a lady on YouTube and I was recording a session and I was a little bit unwell. I had a cough and I was drinking water just to keep my throat lovely and sexy and clear.

Unlike now where it's all rough and it's a bit like an overgrown hedge. I was going to say an unshaven penis, but that doesn't sound right. An overgrown hedge, a chicken with tonsillitis, you know, whatever.

I had a bit of a rough throat, so I was drinking water and this lady, she wrote a comment saying, I really don't like the sound of people drinking water. I assume that's what she sounds like when she talks, but I can't guarantee it. And I thought, well, I made a video and it was a long video.

I think it was about an hour, maybe an hour and a half even. And she was moaning about me drinking water, which even on a good day when my throat feels like an angel's back, smooth. And I would still probably need to have a drink of water if I was talking for that long.

Anyway, she didn't like hearing the water being drunk in her presence. Well, technically on video. So I could understand if maybe, I don't know, I had a really bad cold and I was drinking water, but struggling to breathe at the same time.

And lots of green snot and bogeys were like a big snot bubble was coming out of my nose while I was trying to drink the water. I could understand maybe if it was a little bit to watch, but no such things were caught on camera that day. And it was just me drinking water.

But another thing other than running out of space on the recording studio thing, maybe needing to drink, but also needing to eat. It's not a case of just saying, well, I'm going to sit up in my bed for the next six hours and I'm going to drink whatever water I've got beside me and then I'll maybe eat a sandwich that I prepared earlier and it would be very uncomfortable. Unwrapping the sandwiches, the food would be just a little bit plastic baggy, a bit, just not really what I want for our relationship.

So here we go. And I really could just drift off into a really, really deep sleep. This is the point where I feel so tired and I wonder how you're feeling now.

I'm feeling a real sense of calmness. Calmness, a real, real sense of calm. And I do believe that this, let me bore you to sleep session is coming to an end.

Speak to you. Or should I say, I will speak at you next time. Bye.