(ASMR) (music) (5 hours) Whisper Friday | LMBYTS #1338 | 25th April 2025

Good morning, hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com, my name is Jason Newland, this is...whisper, Let Me Bore You To Sleep. It is Friday the 25th of April 2025, so my name is Jason Newland, please, please, please, please, please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. This is not a replacement for professional therapy or professional anything.

I'm not very professional really, am I? This is just a middle-aged man talking or whispering rather on this particular occasion. Who knows what's going to come out of my mouth. So, I do have a Facebook group called Jason Newland's Boring Group, and YouTube channel is at Jason Newland.

My YouTube channel is now also a podcast, so you can go on there and you can listen to all my latest recordings, all six versions of the different ones, you know, one without music, five and ten hours without music, and then the one with music and five and ten hours with music. You should have a little look at the newspapers. I couldn't help it.

Yeah, I had to read this one. This is the Daily Star. £1.10 it costs.

They're proud to love animals. Yep, they are. So, the headline is, the headline is Poo P-O-O-R, yeah, and it's basically football bosses are investigating after a lower league match had to be abandoned because a ref found a turd in one of his shoes.

I thought they were going to say on the pitch, on one of his shoes, in one of his shoes. Wow. Wow.

I think it's really weird, even though the headline was there, I just didn't, is it a picture of a train or a shoe? I just thought that maybe the dog had got on the pitch and, you know, they had to kind of clean up the pitch. Someone did a poo in the referee's shoe. Wow.

Okay. It does remind me a little bit of when I was working in the early 90s. Don't worry, it's not going anywhere weird.

It doesn't involve shoes anyway. There was this place where, just where the toilets were, but they were quite, quite a large area. They had to cut the showers to two or three cubicles for the toilets and because it was like an industrial warehouse place, so people, there's all these changing rooms and lockers and stuff.

So, I remember going down there one day and there were signs all over the place on doors, on the walls, like, you know, typed out signs saying, please do not defecate in the showers. It's like, wow. And people were laughing.

I mean, I didn't laugh to start with and then someone explained what the word meant. Oh, look. Oh, no.

What is he holding in his hand? That's weird. Okay. So, a fossilized 130 million year old ant is the oldest ever discovered.

They're remarkably well preserved. They call it a hell ant for some reason. It was found in limestone in Brazil.

Scientists say it is a member of the Hedo Mycelium Nereinae and I might not have said that right. It's possible. It's an extinct group.

I imagine you would be extinct after that amount of time, wouldn't you? I think after 130 million years, I think it's an official, isn't it? Like, you're no longer here. Yeah. Time to wait.

The looks of it, they're very big ants. But then everything's big, isn't it, when you magnify it? Trust me, I know about magnifying things. It's a bit annoying though, you keep magnifying it and it's still small.

Anyway, comedy legend Jimmy Darbuck said he tried to swipe one of King Charles's stylish overcoats during an event at Windsor Castle. The 85 year old scouser says he loves demonic stress sense. He said I've met him once or twice and he likes a joke.

I think he's a snappy dresser. As I was leaving the castle last time, he said, Jimmy, just one thing. I said, yeah, your majesty.

He said, can I have my overcoat back? He said, oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said I could borrow it. Blimey.

Oh, here's Bruce Scrooges. Four in ten people in the UK don't offer builders a cup of tea. Almost half of Brits don't offer parched tradespeople a cuppa.

How do they know? So here's a weird one. And this is the second time this has happened. I had a text from a neighbor.

Hey, this is a wow. One thirty six this morning. Hey, I don't feel good at all.

Please try wake me up in the morning. If I don't answer at all, please call an ambulance. It's not the first time I've had a similar message to that.

So I've just got up at night, so I've seen that message, called her up and she's spoken. She's answered and she said she's OK. She just didn't feel well.

It's a difficult one. Because if a door's locked, they can't get in. Yes.

I mean, I care, but I just don't. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. She needs to.

She needs to call an ambulance herself. Or do something while, you know, I don't know. Who knows? I don't know what the correct or the right thing is.

Anyway, she sounds OK. She's all right. She has answered.

So she's OK. The other one over the fence is shouting. Bear! Bear! So that's five in the morning, shouting out loudly.

Oh, pure bliss. Another stage in Pad Tale, a musical about Paddington Bear, is to debut in the West End. Paddington musical launches at the Savoy Theatre on November 1st.

OK, this is a British paper and now they're getting lazy. It's just set at the Savoy Theatre on November 1st. No, no, no, no.

We don't do Come to the Cinemas October 4th. No, 4th. October the 4th or 4th of October.

We don't do April 6th. No, April the 6th. Th at the end.

It might seem a little pedantic, but it's like we're trying to merge countries, you know, like, no, let's just have the way we talk. After all, we did invent the language. Yeah, I didn't invent anything.

Oh, look, it will feature music from a McFly singer, Tom Fletcher. The 39-year-old said, it's an honour to be interested to bring the story of Paddington to life on stage. It's beyond exciting and an absolute dream come true.

So the show has been adapted from books by Michael Bond and award-winning films. The cast will be revealed at a later date. Gwyneth Paltrow has returned to eating carbohydrates after being on a strict paleo diet for years.

The Oscar winner, who's also a health guru, 52, says she has become a bit sick of the caveman diet, which includes fruit, veg, lean meats and fish. She said, I'm getting back into eating sourdough bread and some cheese. There, I said it, a little pasta after being strict with it for a while, a long while.

But again, I think it's a good template, right? Eating foods that are whole and fresh as possible. I don't think there's a doctor that would refute that. I've never been less interested in an article in my life.

Why do I care what she's eating, what she's putting in her tum-tum? Oh dear. Linda Evangelista wraps up in a vivid blue coat for a photo shoot. But in a candid interview, the legendary model admits she now finds it hard to look at herself in the mirror after being permanently botched.

Okay, she had some botched plastic surgery. The 59-year-old told Harper's Bazaar magazine, I have to go through therapy to like what I see when I look in the mirror. Well, they've done, she looks the same to me.

Maybe that's what the problem is. You know, she went into this plastic surgeon's office and they said, she said, I want to complain. Oh, you want to complain? Why is it Mrs. Evangelista stuff? I want to complain because you've botched up the surgery.

But Mrs. Mr. Evangelista, you said you wanted to look how you did when you was in your 30s, when you was a model, when you was famous, you wanted to look the same. Yeah, well, we did it. That's not how I used to look.

No, it really is. That's how you used to look. But I don't look like the other models.

You never did look like the other models. That's why you were unique, because you had a different look. But why am I now shorter? Age, my dear, age, you've shrunk.

Why, why, why? It's just age, things shrink when you get older. But what kind of things we want to shrink should not shrink? What do you mean? Well, my skin's not shrinking, that seems to be getting longer. What? Oh, never mind.

What about? Oh, never mind. Let's not talk about things that are getting shrinking. Jason won't like it.

Shush yourself. Don't heckle me just because you were vain, Mrs. Evangelista. Oh, look, a woman expelled from the magic circle after pretending to be a man has finally been allowed back.

Sophie Lloyd was kicked out 30 years ago after conning her way past a no-woman rule by auditioning as an 18-year-old boy. The group. I was going to say she still looks like an 18-year-old boy, but that's just a joke.

She probably looks about 22 now. The group banned female members, deeming they could not be trusted to keep secrets. Wow.

Wow. Sophie, then in her late 20s, fooled everyone by donning a floppy head, a Hugh Grant wig, glasses, pathetics, and a custom-made bodice. Wow, that's a lot of work to go into it.

So she wore a floppy head, a Hugh Grant wig. Okay, fair enough. Glasses.

Okay. Prosthetics. I mean, come on.

A custom-made bodysuit. I wouldn't even know where to get a custom-made bodysuit. Would you? Mind you, no.

I remember someone gave it to me. I did get one once when I was about early 30s. Well, yeah, about 30.

Yeah, I got a prosthetic like this bodysuit thing because I was really, really thin and I wanted to look bigger. I wanted to look overweight. So I wore this for a Halloween party.

So I've got this like bodysuit thing on, a big belly and big bum. I'm just wondering though, you know, you know, you get the, it's a long time ago and I just, it might seem weird but I don't remember if I took it off. So I'm gonna have a little look.

Oh dear, do not. Okay, there's a few things I have to miss out here. Colosseum, Colossus, gladiators ready for some fight tactics.

Evidence shows that Roman gladiators really did fight bloodthirsty beasts as the Daily Star revealed yesterday. However, that is not the only fascinating fact about these fearless fighters. Here, Tom Stitchbury slips on some spandex, oops, wrong gladiators to visit one of the most brutal chapters in ancient history.

I don't know. Grave danger, historians reckon the first gladiator fights dated back to 264 BCE began as a bonkers ritual. Oh what, Florence Pugh turned heads in a black dress during a photoshoot for Marvel blockbuster Thunderbolts.

Hey, she looks different. The pre-actress 29 plays Yelena Belova in the movie about an undercover team of anti-heroes which is out in cinemas next week. She was spotted with fellow stars Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Hannah John-Carmen and Geraldine Viswanathan during a photo call but didn't pose with rumoured boyfriend Finn Cole.

I'm being pedantic again. She's got a very distinctive look, facially. I really, I think I love her.

Seagulls are sharing a popular seaside resort in Pooh which reeks of rotten fish. Or they eat fish, don't they? You are what you eat, apparently. I don't know.

Residents claim they are blighted by droppings. You live at a seaside. The seagulls live at the seaside.

There's not a lot you can do about it. If you don't want seagulls pooing everywhere, you move away from the seaside. It's simple as that.

It's like living in the seaside, living near the beach. Oh, I'm so fed up. There's always sea.

I keep hearing the sea. Or moving next to a railway track. You keep hearing the train go past.

I wish something could be done about it. Yeah, move. Move somewhere where there's not a train.

But there's seagulls. I mean, why would there be seagulls? I mean, literally, it's in their name. Seagulls.

They're gulls. Don't know what gulls means. That's what they do.

Okay, let's train them, shall we? Let's train the seagulls. Let's put a little toilet out for them so they can all fly down and go. Yeah, shall we do that? Because let's face it, if we could poo on the go, we would, wouldn't we? Let's face it.

If we were flying and you could just drop one whenever you want. I mean, technically we can, but we choose not to, don't we? Most of us. A spring heatwave is on the way.

Ah, a spring heatwave. Preds are set to enjoy a sizzling surprise next week, which could see the hottest day of the year. There's lots of hottest days of the year, aren't they? As you start the year.

Because as you move into the year, each day becomes hottest. As you get near the end of the year, each day seems to become the coldest. Forecasters say temperatures could break the 24 centigrade recorded earlier this month.

As the nation basks, basks in a mini heatwave. As next week though, BBC weather presenter Darren Bett. Darren Bett.

Oh, he's my favourite weather presenter. Oh, sometimes I don't care what the weather is when I hear Darren Bett tell me what the weather is. I just feel good.

It doesn't matter what it is. Oh, there's a hurricane coming. Oh, Darren Bett said there's a hurricane coming.

Oh, I'm sure everything will be fine. Oh, a tsunami. Oh, Darren Bett.

Oh, it's okay then. Darren Bett said it. Oh, it's fine.

It'll all be alright. Yeah. I don't really get caught up in the weather, to be honest.

Unless it's raining, then I'd sometimes get caught up in the rain. So, look, in a deck of cards, this is fact of the day, in a deck of cards, the king of hearts is the only king without a moustache. I didn't know that.

And I didn't want to know that. And now I do know it. What use is that to me? What possible use? Why have you told me that? Oh, no, no, no, no.

I've got to get rid of it. Is it me? Or is grey hair starting to come back into fashion? And you might be thinking, what are you talking about? What are you talking about, Jason? I've noticed that I've seen females allowing grey to come through. And there was a time that it was rare to see anyone with grey hair under the age of like 70.

Do you think it's because of some of the younger people colouring their hair grey on purpose? Not realising what an insult that is to people that have no choice. You could dye your hair though, Jack, couldn't you? You could dye your hair, make it nice and black. Jet black hair.

No one would notice. No one would know that it was dyed. They'd just think that you naturally had jet black hair and gingerish eyebrows.

No one would notice. I've known two people like that. There was a comedian I used to know.

I never knew how old he was. He was a lot older than me. I didn't know it.

But he was so energetic. He's like, you wouldn't know. And he had jet black hair.

I actually believe that was his colour hair. Maybe it was, to start with. I think when he got to about 50, or 55 or whatever, he decided to just let it be natural.

And I remember seeing him come up, because it was a snowy day the first time I saw him. And he didn't dye his hair. And it was snowing, and I couldn't see his head.

It was like pure white. It looked like he just had a snowball on his head. I'm trying to figure out whether or not that makes any sense at all.

Does it really? Does it matter at all? Two for one from £70 with singles? Why did I have an optician's advert with, you know, really big writing? Two for one from £70 and then the rest is tiny writing. And I can't even see what it says. And it's a big advert, so they had room for longer, larger writing.

Let me guess, it's because they want people to struggle to read that. I think, oh yeah, I need to get some glasses. Damn them people, playing with my emotions.

Or dogs kick up a stink. What's this about? Having to carry poo bags is a thing that dog owners wish they had known more about before getting their pet. A whopping 68% described the first few months of ownership as a crash course in canine chaos.

A pooch developed selective hearing and shedding a massive amount of fur. Also high up on the list of surprises. Yeah, that selective hearing is very, it's very funny, but it's true.

Carrying poo bags is, it's just one of those things that, because I used to get poo bags for for Luke, for, um, what's his name? Loki. And when I got Vinnie, I'd start buying them for myself, not for him rather. And the one thing I learned very early on is don't just grab a, grab a lot of, you know, just put them in your pocket.

And then when your dog does a poo, try and open them up outside. I don't do that. Most people seem to do that.

It's hard work. I prepare them. So I open the bag, put them inside out and try and take, have in my pocket, maybe four bags.

And then when I need one, rather than struggling to open up in the wind, it just means that sometimes, because they can be very fussy, I'm walking around like the world's worth. Do a poo, will you do a poo please Vinnie? Cat lovers, apparently 29% revealed that no matter how many scratching posts they bought, furniture was still fair game. Yep, I think cats care if they're gonna scratch, they're gonna scratch.

Every pet comes with their own quirks and they can take a bit of getting used to. Yeah, Vinnie is, um, when we were in the park, Vinnie's got, he's got three friends. Like three really like close friends that he likes to play around, play with.

There's Archie, Noodles and Charlie. So he doesn't see Charlie very often, doesn't see Noodles very often, sees Archie probably more than any of the others. But he loves them.

Noodles is a poodle, Archie is a tiny little dog, Charlie is a little bit bigger, but still little. Probably slightly bigger than Vinnie, but Vinnie's tiny isn't he? And they like to dance and cuddle and he does that with all of them. But with Charlie, he actually dances.

They go on all fours and put their arms over each other's shoulders and dance together. And there's a real love there. It's just, yeah, I've seen him, I saw Charlie yesterday, saw him last week as well.

So he's actually seen him a little bit more often now that the weather's a bit, well now that it's lighter in the evenings. And so they've both got leads on because he can't trust Charlie to come back. And I know I can't trust Vinnie to come back.

And he's chasing a fly, which is not really what I want him to be doing at five in the morning. Oh, it's now six. I thought he was asleep.

I can't see the fly. I feel like I can hear the fly. I can hear the fly buzzing, but I can't see it, which is very strange.

I don't quite know what's going on, but he's chasing it. Oh, he's gone back to bed now. He has literally just jumped on the bed.

He's gone into the bedroom, had him jump on the bed and he's gone back to sleep. He's had enough. I think he's going to break.

Oh look, a countryside pad is being built to encourage lynx to breed. The Wildwood Trust is creating an enclosure for the big cats to live in. Uh, yeah, I don't know if I would like to see anything like that in the wild.

You know, if I was climbing up some mountain in the UK or, okay, me climbing up a mountain is probably not going to happen, but just imagine coming face to face with this thing. Huge cat. No, no thanks.

Shoplift. Okay, shoplifting has hit a record high with cops recording half a million offences for the first time. 516,971 shoplifting offences were logged by forces in England and Wales last year.

Excellent. So 35 years of sky eye. So that would be the telescope in space.

The butterfly nebula spreads its wings in a jaw-dropping photo marking the 35th anniversary of the Hubble Space Telescope. Telescope. Another image shows the mighty Messier 100 spiral galaxy in all its glory.

Sean Domogal, gold man of NASA, said Hubble opened a new window to the universe. It's stunning imagery in star inspired people. Have anything more up to date though? I'm just guessing that the telescopes now would be more powerful than the ones 35 years ago.

Unless they just upgrade it, which would make sense. This is a weird story. I saw this last night.

China sent three astronauts to its own space station in its bid to build a nuclear power station on the moon. Okay. Yeah, I'm not quite sure what's going on there.

They got a hero's send off yesterday before boarding the Shenzhou 20 spacecraft on a Long March 2F rocket. China's 280 mile high Tiangong heavenly palace station is a third of the size of the international space station and 30 miles higher. China said the launch was a complete success and the crew who will conduct experiments are in good condition.

Its space program is focused on building a lunar nuclear plant to power a research station. It is planning with Russia. Space chief Wu Yiren and Russia had a natural advantage when it comes to nuclear power plants, especially sending them into space.

He said it leads the world. It is ahead of the us, adding that he hopes Russia and China can send a nuclear reactor to the moon. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know about that. I don't know enough about it.

I just, there's a part of me thinking just leave the moon alone. What's the moon done to you? But then another thinking like, well, we've been able to, we traveled to the moon and we didn't seem to really want to go back very often. There wasn't a lot there, but we need the moon.

Moon affects the oceans. So what happens if the moon, I don't know, decides to move away? Do we lose all our oceans? I don't know really. So criminals could be caught red green handed by new tech that can spot if they've fired a gun.

The technique developed by Dutch boffins converts lead particles led by a gunshot into visible green light. Amsterdam police, Bent Van Kralingen said these, I'm sorry, these find, I'm just no, this is the Daily Star. They do everything they can to find a name that might have different meanings in the UK.

These findings provide valuable pieces of the puzzle when reconstructing a shooting. I think anything that catches people is a good thing, but ideally we need prevention baby. It's a, oh look at this, a rusty world war one gun was discovered by workers digging up a drive.

The revolver believed to be a Webley MKV 138 and was found with live rounds. Stunned landscapers unearthed it at a house in Ramsgate, Kent. I wonder how many other people would have stuff like that over the years.

Just think about it. It's a good place to hide stuff, isn't it? The driveway, the concrete, just stuck it, just stick stuff in there. As long as you live there and stay living there, no one's going to dig up the driveway.

That is interesting, just showing the picture, how many of them there are in the country around driveways with some weird stuff in. I'm pretty sure when my dad, in our family home, I know he put like bricks and that kind of stuff underneath the concrete, like as a foundation. I think, that's my memory of it, I might have it wrong.

Okay, I don't know, I'm just thinking of the past. Pothole's dad came for a laugh. A dad fed up with the state of the roads decided to protest by creating a 1980s style simplistic video game.

Gary Fenton, hi Gary, Gary Fenton, invented Hertfordshire potholes, which is inspired by early computer consoles and challenges, drivers to avoid the holes as well as oncoming traffic. The 52 year old, well well hearts of Wellwyn Hearts said he decided to act after reading the chat on a Facebook group. He said, I'm fed up with hitting the potholes because you can't accumulate damage all the time or having to swerve around them.

To highlight these dangers I created a parody game which may exaggerate the situation but make a very clear point of how neglected our roads are. Potholes have noticeably gotten more numerous and larger in recent years. As a driver of 34 years I've never seen it so bad.

Whoa Gemma Collins says she is helping the NHS to save cash by losing weight with a trendy melon jar a jab. The dairy star began using a diabetics medication this year. She said I've lost so much weight you wouldn't believe it.

It's the only thing I've managed to lose weight on without putting myself on a stressful diet. It is revolutionary, life-changing to help people who are overweight. I feel so much happier in myself I feel a million dollars.

She added I think I'm actually safe in the NHS. I won't be going to the NHS with an obesity related illness so I won't be putting any strain on it. Sorry I'm just thinking about her car.

Her car wheels are going to last longer as well and the suspension. I'm loving life honey she says but Gemma said this it's a shame. Shame I had to wait till I was 44 but this is life-changing and she said I feel so much better and free but in Essex because I'm in Essex you know I feel free as a person to concentrate on other stuff because I'm in Essex.

I'm not constantly thinking about food in Essex. No in Essex that's weird I live in Essex and I hear people talk about yeah when you're in Essex we do it this way like in Essex we like to eat yeah we everyone likes to eat in Essex at Easter we we celebrate Easter eggs to people yeah everyone does that well in the UK anyway I don't know about other countries apparently Easter is a really a big thing in other places but the I mean the Easter egg giving I mean not Easter itself.

Oh what there's more about that poo in the shoe story okay let's have a look security at the festival is in need of education what is this Glastonbury stereophonics have raised doubts over security at the summer's huge gigs the band whose third LP is called just enough education to perform kick off a European tour this weekend culminating in an Isle of Wight festival Kelly Jones said it's like huge crowds of people you know it's it's very hard to manage that you know especially these days you know when people are just

taking security jobs you know and stewarding jobs you know just kids you know they just don't really give a poo they just got a tag around the neck and and they're not trained to do anything for real really you know so Kelly saw it firsthand what can go wrong when he stood next to Noel Gallagher during an infamous on-stage attack at a Toronto festival in 2008 Noel Gallagher was knocked over by a man and ended up I don't know Britain's this if there's anything in here Jessie's living her best life

back to her unfiltered best Jessie is unleashing a two-pronged pop attack come back rather the Essex warbler warbler has dropped neo soul ballad no secrets today her first release in four yards but she intends to follow it up quickly with proper single living my best life on may 16th produced by ryan deader no secrets is an open invitation into the highs and lows of jessie j's life over the past few years cool it's all about the money money money it's all about the money calm it with a cuppa prits still

sip tea to relax just like they keep calm and carry on wartime spirit six in ten of us make a brood to calm down says a report releasing ahead of the 80th anniversary uh okay what's up cottage cheese on top i'm just gonna see is let's get a weird oh okay right have a look see what my star signs say so virgin you were expecting problems i will be a relief that nothing too frustrating happens you could find yourself feeling puzzled and even a little taken back by the mixed signals

you get from someone who isn't very close to you i don't even see people that are close to me so i'm not going to see anyone that's not close to me very strange and that's it i'm gonna go i'm gonna go have my breakfast gonna go toilet so that's it thanks for listening remember to be kind to yourself because you do deserve to be happy be gentle with yourself you deserve to feel safe lots of love and Q&A Friday is coming up later bye